I don't know where it is, but I do have a copy of it on my computer. It is somewhat of a long read, but here it is ...
I had this dream.
It was the summer before my senior year of highschool, June or July of 1986, and I was sixteen. Actually, it was more like a vision. I remember dreaming profusely that night, although I do not recall what about, but the dreaming came to an end and there was nothing left before my mind's eye ... except this woman.
She was just standing there, facing me, a golden light behind her. She was close, so that I could see only her upper body and head, and her face and eyes ... the most beautiful face and penetrating eyes I had ever seen. Her hair was long, brown, full and flowing, colored golden by the light, gently blowing back in some astral breeze. She was beautiful, so beautiful, and painfully familiar. What I felt is difficult to explain, like there was some force reaching in and squeezing my insides. Not so difficult to explain is the fact that I wanted to be with this person, this woman, more than I could bear. I felt deeply connected to her, like nothing I had felt before, and I just wanted to be with her as closely as possible.
I felt like I loved her.
As I slowly began to awaken, she began to fade away. I knew I was waking and fought it as hard as I could. I did not want to leave the presence of this woman. I did not want to experience the emptiness I knew I would feel if she vanished. I held onto the last thread of her vision for as long as my mind could keep hold of it. But I could feel her essence pulling away from me, pulling out of me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Then, she was gone. The dream-vision ended.
I lay there for quite some time, trying my best to get back to sleep, to recapture the feeling of this presence, this woman. I visualized her as best I could, desperately trying to recreate the experience. I began to feel very heavy, alone, empty, and I could feel a shadowy sense of depression slowly creeping into my being, filling the void which just moments before had been created.
I finally sat up, contemplating what had just happened. I felt so alone. I felt as if I had been transported to some cruel alternate reality ... hell perhaps. She was the one, the one I had been waiting for. Is this a real person? Is she alive now, or is this from some past life? Is she purely a Being from the astral or spiritual world? My mental world? Who was she? Why did I see her? I could not imagine. It was all rather inexplicable. How could I feel love for, and such a deep sense of connection with, a simple image?
As I thought about these things, I realized that I could not recall her beautiful face ... or her penetrating eyes. I could easily recall feelings, the experience, the longing, but the details of her face were fading very quickly. The image I was eventually left with was only of a darkened face surrounded by the flowing hair, and the golden light behind her. I no longer fought to remember, I didn't resist.
Feeling powerless and defeated, I let her go.
For the rest of that day, and for a few days following, I felt fairly depressed, like I had lost something sentimental, irreplaceable and extraordinarily precious. My darkened emotions finally loosened their grip on about the fourth day.
A week went by, then a month.
During this time I looked for her. Everywhere I went, I looked. I was hyper-aware of every face that passed me by ... I scanned every crowd, searching for that face and those eyes which I could no longer remember. I felt like a man possessed. I was no longer feeling depression, but rather a maddening sense of anticipation mixed with futility. However, as the days and weeks passed by, it grew easier. After another few weeks time she eventually came to rest in my subconscious ... not forgotten, but no longer consciously dwelt upon. Every now and then the dream would enter my thoughts, but I'd given up on the unlikely idea that she may really exist somewhere. It increasingly seemed as if my vision was no more than a cruel fantasy.
Two more months passed by.
It was the first day of school, and I was sitting with some friends on the floor of the main hallway, hanging out, waiting for classes to begin. Little did I know that my life was going to change in just moments ... and in moments my life changed ...
I was just watching people walk by, kind of zoning out, when my entire being did a double-take, like a deep shock to all systems. My mental jaw fell wide open.
Waves of recognition washed over me, chilling. "She is the One," is what I clearly heard. "It is Her!" my inner voice exclaimed, almost accusingly. As soon as I saw her the dream surged into my mind. I looked at her intently as her face, and those eyes, instantly filled the shadowy face of my vision. I felt surprisingly peaceful.
She continued down the hall, out of sight.
Now, my thoughts began to run amok ... anxiety, excitement, relief, confusion, happiness ... I was thinking and feeling everything. Then, reality started to creep in, along with its entire compliment of internal fears and personal hang-ups.
She was walking down the hall with someone I knew well, and this was not good. He was captain of the football team (no kidding!), good looking, big, very intelligent, and on top of that he was a super nice guy. I was in trouble. There was always a bit of competition for the "new girl" in school, and I was no competition. At sixteen, I had never really had a girlfriend, never asked anyone out, and couldn't imagine how. I was an average looking kid with some self confidence issues, I suppose, including a fear of rejection. I was very shy and completely inexperienced when it came to girls.
I could not imagine how this was going to happen ... but it was going to.
As the day went on I tried to catch a glimpse of her wherever I could - between classes, in the halls, at lunch - but it seemed as if she'd vanished. Of course, I knew nothing about her. I didn't even know what grade she was in, so she could have been anywhere on campus. The more I thought about her, the more I became uncertain, the more I became nervous ... how was I going to meet her? What cruel trick had fate played on me? It was looking more and more like I was going to have to find her and somehow initiate contact myself, and that scared me to death. As I said before, relationships with girls were foreign to me, I had no experience whatsoever, and the thought of approaching this girl, out of nowhere, was completely daunting ... almost an impossibility.
My thoughts and my insecurities were torturing me!
After a disappointing lunch, I was off to class - English lit. So, I walked into the classroom and looked around for a seat to take, preferably by a friend. There she was. I could hardly believe it. She was just sitting there, talking to a friend, looking more beautiful than anything I had ever seen. And I felt a deep sense of attraction, a movement of energy that was somehow circular in nature, a free-flowing coming and going of some very deep and mysterious energy that I had never felt before. My nervousness and insecurities melted away as I realized that Fate had not been so cruel after all. Not only was she in this class, but my best friend was sitting right in front of her, and the seat next to him was empty. Fate had played her part, and I knew that Destiny now held the reigns. My insides thrilled with excitement as I nonchalantly, and quite naturally, took the empty seat next to my friend.
From the first moment I took my seat in class, every nuance of every one of my actions was intended to attract her, to get her attention, to put me in her mind, to get her to speak to me! I was too afraid of any possible rejection to initiate conversation, and I wanted to know that this was not all just me, I wanted to know that she showed an interest in me. Eventually, she did begin to talk to me. And eventually, as the opportunity arose, I slid into the seat behind me - and next to her. She talked to me some more. Those few weeks seemed like an eternity, but all the energy and magic I could muster finally paid off.
She passed me a note one day.
"We should go out some time." I cannot describe what I felt when I read those words. They burned into me with lifetimes of intensity, deeply resonating with something within me. It felt as if the ends of a long awaited connection, or a loop in time, had been rejoined. The moment was quite surreal. And the relief! She asked me out! Nothing could have been more perfect.
That was a profound moment in my life.
Four months after the dream, and within a month of physically seeing her for the first time, we had become a couple.