I wanted to reply to your kind offer Ami, (also Randall's kind concern in the other thread) but I do not know what I would say at this point if I did email you. Further, I do not wish to post in this forum (beyond this last reply), I felt attacked, when I was just trying to understand something and do not wish to invoke those people/responses again, nor to I want to have to defend myself.Randall- I don't know if I can say I am feeling "better." I just am. I am very tired and sad a lot. Lost and confused. But I am not saying that to victim/martyr myself like everyone thinks. It is just a fact and how I feel most of the time.
I still do not love myself, nor do I understand how to. Which is all I really wanted to learn in my thread. How to do it. But I guess wanting to understand how to do something I don't know/understand how to makes me a victim/martyr in some people's eyes, and makes them think I am seeking outside love. I am not seeking love from anyone. I will probably never be in a relationship again for everyone's information that told me that I am, nor do I have parents/family to try to seek this love from, but neither do a lot of people too. I am just trying to get by and pick my life back up, a seemingly impossible task to me, but one which I am undertaking nonetheless, and undertaking 100% alone. Who knows if I will succeed? I guess that's beyond the point.
There is a Modest Mouse song that explains how I feel a lot of the time. I feel the need to post some of it with this post.
"Talking Sh*t About a Pretty Sunset."
"...And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where I am
When I finally get it figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking sh*t about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself"
They have so many songs/lyrics that fit me.
But maybe I should post this one by Neil Young instead, its like he wrote it for me and where I got my name for this forum from.
"Lost In Space"
Live with me, live with me
Live with me, live with me
Live with me.
Lost in space
I heard you were lost in space
That's such a lonely place
for you to be.
Out of control
Singin' with too much soul
I heard you got out on parole
Workin' for the queen.
Gardening again
Landscape again
Keepin' all the grounds
around her clean
Workin' for the queen.
Don't take out the magic pen
Don't draw on the infinity board
Your buildings, if they rise again
Would do much better
on the ocean floor
They'll never feel the way
they did before
They did before.
Out on the ocean floor,
out on the ocean floor
What could be stranger
than the unknown danger
That lies on the ocean floor?
Breakers crash on the beach
I count them like lambs in my sleep
They come at me steady
They know I'm not ready
They pound on my mattress door
Have they got a big one in store.
Losing you
I heard I was losing you
That's not the only thing
that I got to lose
I got to lose
The deep sea blues
Look at these blues
The deep sea blues
Live with me, live with me."
Such a beautiful song. OK that's all.
Thanks again for the kind responses and concerns.