posted November 20, 2005 02:59 AM         

I want to write my Cancer girl a letter. I want to tell her that I have made many changes and that I am as I once was. I want to tell her I love her, but won't.

I don't trust my Pisces imagination, colouring verything rosy pink in hindsight. Actualy, I have been fairly realistic in truth and I suppose I should follow my heart right?

It may hurt if I get no response, but something in me cries out for release.

She kept the gift I sent her last Valentine's and never told me. I imagine the ornamental ashtrays I bought her (romantic huh?) are still in her bedroom.

I just don't want to leave it until she finds someone else and then I find out she was waiting for contact.

Cancers aren't going to be straightforward now are they, and my instincts are screaming at me to do this.

Am I being a fool?

Swerve

posted November 20, 2005 05:28 AM         

I think you have to tell her.....and if you dont....you may regret it forever.

What is stopping you, maybe just fear, maybe ego....I have a favourite saying "he who hesitates loses" and this has been my experience in the past. Now I tell people how I feel....even tho at times, I fear the outcome...

If your Cancer woman rejects you, at least you have been true to yourself...but I have a feeling she wont...

Your post moved me to pull out a card from my Lovers Oracle deck.....hope this helps, it reads:

"Secret Admirer"

Haha.....

Good luck and love

posted November 20, 2005 10:46 AM         

If you act ready whenever she is she won't be able to make a decision-Cancers are not that great at making big decisions and if you want her tell her you are ready and in a place where you are available and loving.

If she needs more than that than you are jumping through hoops and she's not ready.

Don't let the response hurt your feelings as most likely she will be emotional or sharp at first and then go back and forth. Give it some time, communicate and look for actions that say Love.

At this point with my Cancer I am being careful to stay his friend as he is a wonderful person to know, but to be careful to leave it in his ballpark instead of letting him put it all on me. He has a tendency to want me all for himself with no commitment to me, and make me jump through hoops without leaving the security of his home for any reason.

I can't submit to another person's authority if there is no proven action saying I love you, words are fine but he won't even leave his house to prove it if loving me conflicts with a game.

posted November 20, 2005 10:52 AM         

There's a Pisces guy in my life who is afraid to profess stuff he feels.

And he doesnt know that after 20 years now, that i am DYING for him to profess. if only he knew the gifts in store for him if he did. maybe he's afraid of his rose-colored glasses too.

the way i look at it, its never wrong to be honest. you may get rejected, and yes that hurts, but atleast you were true to YOURSELF.

so, good luck with what you decide. HOpe I havent butted in too much. But hey, we leos are like that, arent we? unsolicited advice is our FAVORITE!! lol!

posted November 20, 2005 02:04 PM         

LeoLys your post is as much appreciated as anyone elses.

I sent the letter. I wrote it twice and then sent it.

I pushed her into confessing her feelings too early and then pressurised the situation. She said I was controlling her, but really I was controlling the world because of cripplingly low self-esteem and being alone too long.

She is young and I didn't give her any leeway for that at all. I was insecure, jealous and changed so rapidly she must have wondered whether I had either tricked her or had more than one personality.

My social skills leave a lot to be desired, even though I am very good in one-on-one sitautions.

I lied more to myself than her and she told me frequently she liked the pace we were at. I said it was cool but wanted something deeper all along. I would have liked to have done casual but had so much baggage there was no way this was possible.

I also resented the fact she seemed to get on with her life and brush it off so quickly.

She said we should start as friends again and see where it went. I was still in shock it had ended at all.

My friends wanted me to hook up with girls and I just wasn't interested. I told her that there were other girls interested and that I needed some sort of closure. I thought I was being reasonable and demonstarting I was ok, and I thought she wouldn't be bothered.

I text her a couple of weeks later saying I am missing her and she lays out what I said in these e-mails and says I can't tell her how to act or feel and there is my closure - get over it! (I said she should stop being cold towards me because she isn't really like that).

She is a fibber though, soft in the middle and I wnet from being someone she could finally open up to to someone she was scared of. Most of it was in her mind, but my actions didn't make it look like she was wrong. I sometimes forget that although I can open pscyhic connections with girls in my life, doesn't mean they can read me at all. So I was assuming she would know my intentions were good.

She's scared of commitment anyway, and I know I made her feel more deeply than she was ready and made it worse by calling her on it. (When you KNOW how someone feels its hard to pretend you don't - she did admit it by the way, I'm not nuts )

The letter said that I was sorry I had upset her and that I had taken on board a lot of what she said and had made steps to change. Only she could have made me do this because only she made me care enough to do so.

I told her I was grateful for helping me find myself again and that I hoped she was happy, preferrably with me, but any happy would do me.

I think I'm in love with her. The anger has subsided for her abandoning me and I can accept whatever mistakes she made, and have released most of the guilt for what I did.

I think this was my closure. I just don't want to go back to 2 months ago and be a nervous wreck waiting for her to contact me. I don't think I will, I am a different person in so many ways in such a short space of time.

I've bought around 15 books and signed on a self-esteem course and consulted psychiatrist because I have become so bitter and twisted against myself and the world through many negative experiences.

But now I am ready to really take a grip on myself and evolve.

I would really like for her to fly with me as I attempt this.

But now I realise that is her choice and I will take that flight anyway.

I said that I hope in time we can start talking again. Whatever pace I don't mind. My life is missing something pure. It was weird how much we clicked, even for a Deep Fish like me. I can handle that (so I thought anyway!), most ppl I know can't or don't want to, which is their decision alone and for the right reasons if its what they feel.

She fell for a me I didn't even know existed until now. I'm actually quite a cool guy really after all. She said that I was in there somewhere under it all. I think I was hoping having her believe in me when I wasn't so good would have helped me change. But now I see that is WAY too much too burden someone else with. She has her own life to handle right?

I wish her happiness and love.

Swerve

posted November 20, 2005 05:43 PM         

My heart goes out to you and I hope that things work out for you in the end, whatever that may mean.

I am touched by your leap of faith in confessing your feelings. It's never an easy thing to do, but I usually feel the best thing to do is be honest and let the chips fall where they will.

It sounds like you have made great bounds in your personal life and I believe these changes will serve you well. You sound strong and hopeful and I wish you only the best.

posted November 20, 2005 05:49 PM         

It's a wonderful feeling-
Maybe Cancers and Pisces were meant to be-
Not to be overly realistic, but when she said under it all, as in you are good under it all, it sounded a bit as if she desired some change, maybe she does have things in her own life she is uhappy with right now?

Cancers do tend to be that way, a mirror to negative feeling in others.

Stay happy and see what happens,

posted November 23, 2005 03:30 AM         

quote:

---

you wont look back n regret..u wont ever look back n say 'at least i shoud've tried'.......but she may look back n say 'i missed my chance'

---

posted November 23, 2005 01:45 PM         

------------------
Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra

posted November 23, 2005 01:46 PM         

I have written such letters to Cancers with no response, so that is a possibility. Not sure what causes that in Cancers.

I'm not saying not to do it. Just maybe don't expect too much.

AG

posted November 23, 2005 03:51 PM         

------------------
Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra

posted November 24, 2005 03:40 AM         

I wish you the best of luck, you know you're in my heart, babe.

posted November 25, 2005 04:33 AM         

She hasn't responded yet. She will. Its baby steps and no expectations that I need.

I really do appreciate your words guys.

And Ghani - big kiss babe. Missed ya.

posted November 28, 2005 12:02 PM         

She is going to leave her job as she is being bullied. I sent her some beautiful flowers and told her no strings attached, and meant it, though obviously I hope.

She thanked me, and is cagey of course.

Just need to be patient. She may even be with someone new by now anyway.

I really hope she isn't.

Swerve

posted November 29, 2005 09:49 AM         

She is going through a lot at the moment and I have to be patient and wait my turn.

She asked me for my number immediately as she had lost it (I know I know, but in fairness I deleted hers too in an attempt to move on). She said that way she could call me when she wanted to.

She got the flowers yesterday and has been very quiet today. I would have been annoyed by this before, but have learnt better now and keep my vulnerability in check quite easily.

Is this a problem or a good thing?

What do you think is going through her mind?

My personal take is that she doesn't want to get into the fallout of the relationship and start just yet while she is being bullied at work and thinking of resigning.

I am just making sure I am in the background supporting her and demanding nothing. I told her I am here when she needs me, she knows that.

Just playing my position, with her best interests at heart.

posted December 01, 2005 04:10 AM         

My instincts are crying out.

I want to put it in a way that if she isn't doesn't sound pushy.

posted December 01, 2005 06:06 AM         

I asked her politely to answer the question an hour and a half later.

Nothing back yet.

This is where we are so different. I am emotional and intense and impulsive (though controlled now). She goes into that shell and hides for a bit. It drives me nuts inside but I know she is testing me for that reaction, so I have to bite my keyboard fingers and be patient.

I wonder if I can do this indefinitely though. Otherwise there is no point to any of this if we are SO different.

You can't appreciate what this does to a Scorpio Moon fella unless you are one.