posted January 06, 2007 05:39 PM         

After reading the "Emotional Vampires" thread I couldn't tell if I needed to point the finger at him or me...

We've known each other since high school. Been off and on since that time with years in between where I would just cut off all contact with him because we would be intimate and have some sort of "friendship" but he never wanted a "relationship."

While he's always been upfront about not being into the "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing he's also convinced me that he wanted to be with me on a deeper level than just a bootycall. If I didn't know him and we didn't have history he wouldn't get that from me at all. But I had feelings for him since we were kids so I try to believe him, then kick myself when I end up in the exact. same. position.

So here we are again. Years later and still going through it. We've both been with other people and have children with those other people. I'm not in a relationship and(according to him) he's NEVER in a relationship. He's very involved with his kids and tells me that his involvement with them is what's keeping him from spending time with him. I'd believe anyone else, but coming from him it just sounds like another excuse.

I know what you're thinking - if this guy is just using you for sex and giving you excuses why are still bothering with him at all?

I ask myself the same thing. The only thing I can come up with is that I have never loved anyone the way that I love this guy. I never enjoyed the time that I spend with someone the way that I enjoy our time. While I have children, I've never looked at someone and actually wanted to have children with them - except with him.

Then, to let you know how messed up *I* am, when we're talking and he's begging me to stay in his life (if as nothing more than a friend) all I can think about is walking away from him. Again. I'm thinking of every horrible thing I could say to hurt him and "get back at him" for never wanting to be with me and only using me and still wanting me as a friend even though I don't know that he cares about me and doesn't show it.

Can any of you tell me if it's something in our charts or if I'm just messed up completely? I have a history of rushing into relationships head first and then walking away and completely cutting off contact when things go south. I go in with the intention of "forever" and give 110% but then when there are problems(major - like drug/physical/mental abuse) I skip out.

I don't know if it's something I need to work through or just walk away.

He seems genuine that he wants me in his life, but then I don't want to be in his life as just a "friend." Is that narcissistic or realistic?

posted January 07, 2007 04:42 PM         

You're right about my moon being in Aries. Right about now I'm wishing it wasn't.

I've been away from him for long periods of time. Years in fact. We end up getting back in contact with each other and things pick back up just the same.

I thought about the possibility of him rushing head on into a "romance" because he thought a woman was "the one" but I've never seen him do that with anyone so I though maybe he just isn't good at that sort of thing.

I do feel the need to just distance myself from him. Maybe for good this time. If we can go years without seeing each other, and when we get back in touch, he's telling me he loves me(which might be a big deal to him as he never says that to anyone) but doesn't show any other changes, maybe I just need to be done with him.

I'm hoping you're right and there will be another Aries guy who will treat me the way I would like to be treated. And luke-warm isn't it.

posted January 08, 2007 12:52 PM         

I read your post and just knew you had an Aries Moon.. I do the exact same thing....
i rush in and am p'od at myself for wanting someone that only wants me on his terms.
I want to be needed when I would do better wanting to be wanted.
Some people will just connect with you in a certain way and they are very hard to release for good. You talk yourself into accepting that what they are not offering you is okay. When deep down you know it isn't. It's easy to walk away.. but not so easy to stay that way.
So you've got a choice.. Keep seeing him in hopes that someday it will change...I think if you dig deep on this you'll know the answer.
Or.. cut him off and let him miss you...
If in all these years its been you to resume contact and not him.. then missing you, disappointing you, and being w/o you "is" okay with him. i would tell him that it's over... don't just walk away. He's got to know that your gone for good. Otherwise he may just think, "Oh She'll be back eventually" If you tell him its over and he lets you go... then you'll have your answer. You won't contact him in the future on a weak whim.. because you will have your pride in tact and eventually you will be open to a new relationship... One that will give the secure environment that will allow your love to bloom. Someone who deserves you...

and btw... We share the same b-day. I'm older though~ 1967. I also have an Aries Moon and Merc and Venus in Virgo....

posted January 08, 2007 03:49 PM         

Some of them have gotten pregnant and had kids with him. He'll still be involved with them but won't call it a "relationship" and won't do what other guys do for a girl they care about - as in take them out, buy them gifts, etc.

He's admitted that he has bought flowers for someone, but only for a birthday or something and made food for his own mother and the other mothers(baby mammas) in his life on Mother's Day. But as for doing things in a "regular" way? No.

His last non-relationship stretched out over the course of a few years. I can't say if he was faithful or not and he claims he did nothing for her and they stopped being intimate because they had 2 kids together and he STILL wouldn't acknowledge any kind of relationship with her or marry her. He said having kids with her was an "accident." By the way, he wants a bunch of kids(like 8) but makes no mention of being in a relationship or getting married.

It's funny. The more I type and read what I typed I can't explain in the world it is that is good in the guy except for our connection. It's mental, physical, chemical, and for me - emotional. I know he feels *something* too because he's quick to walk away from people who don't agree with him and we've NEVER agreed on most things. lol

posted January 08, 2007 04:50 PM         

Wow! We ARE similar! lol

I've gotten caught up in relationships based on being needed. Most of my relationships had to do with me giving as much as I could and them taking. When their intensity of feelings and their actions didn't match up with mine, I would end up disappointed and walk away.

This "relationship" with the Aries *was* somewhat based on that too, but he didn't ACT needy. I just like to give to people I care about and he was happy to take it. He just didn't want to give anything in return.

Last night I did just what you suggested - told him I was done.

I was fuming over everything and texted him saying, "If you ever wanted anything with me it would have happened by now. You don't so goodbye and good luck."

He texted me back 5 hours later saying, "I have what I wanted from you, a good friend. You're the one saying that isn't enough so don't say goodbye to me cuz I'm not going anywhere. I st" It got cut off.

This response might have made SOMEONE ELSE happy, but I was F-ing FURIOUS!!!
It made me want to stay in touch with him just to get revenge. But I don't like to be that way, I just get really, REALLY angry. So I just texted him back.

I said, "As long as YOU have what YOU want, right? Whatever. I've never gotten anything I wanted from you and you're not a good friend to me." I wanted to say much worse things, but I'm not good at it. lol

I also said, "You don't have to go anywhere but you're going to be out of MY LIFE. So - GOODBYE."

I haven't heard from him since last night, but I know he'll probably call me again cuz he cares sooooo much about me and wants to know how I'm doing.

I'm just so hurt and disappointed. After all this time, THIS is what I get. He wants to call me "friend" and use it against me. He's only playing that card because he knows what a loyal, loving, and generous friend **I AM**. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose THAT. But to actually TREAT ME like a FRIEND? No.

I have to ask you Stargazer, does it get any better? How are your relationships now? Have there been any long and positive ones?

I don't know how to do "normal" relationships. I tend to get involved very intensely and then it turns to disgust and I'm out. I don't know how to go slow and just "let things happen." The Aries kept giving me that line, "let time do its thing." But I'm like, after all these years if time hasn't done anything for US I don't see the point in waiting. lol

posted January 08, 2007 05:48 PM         

I know I don't have to be an enemy to cut things off and too much emotions means feelings for him BUT that's how I am.

I don't know where this myth about Virgos being "logical, analytical, cold, unfeeling" etc. started, but that is DEFINITELY NOT ME. I have more intense feelings, go through more turmoil and extremes of emotions than anyone else I know.

When I love someone, it's so intense and I'll put so much into the relationship and the person that if things don't work out it hurts me to the point that I hate them. Not healthy or mature, I know, but I don't know how to just "like" someone that I already have those feelings for. My feelings are of the "all or nothing" variety. For instance: If the Aries guy showed up at my door repeatedly(I wouldn't believe it if it only happened once) and SHOWED ME that he felt the same and wanted something with me, my feelings would be right back to 110% in "LOVE" with him and I would follow him to the ends of the Earth. While right now I hate him. I don't have too many in betweens.

The only in-between feeling I have is indifference where I could care less if that person is alive or dead, on the phone or in a casket. At those times with those people, I feel more for my couch(at least it gives me a comfy place to sit lol). Cold, I know, but honest.

"If time and fate lead you back...
then maybe there is more to learn."

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Please, PLEASE don't say that. I'm so tired of this with him. If I'm going to love ANYONE I just want it to be a positive experience. The kind that I think is "normal" where there's a GIVE *AND* TAKE that is mutual and people perhaps drift apart because their interests change, their feelings change, etc. I've never had that. I wouldn't even mind it coming to an end at some point if we ***BOTH*** shared in the relationship and it was good while it lasted.

posted January 09, 2007 11:48 AM         

What is "normal" anyway? I wouldn't know normal if it sat on me...lol
But I did have to learn to "let it come to me"... not giving so much that I scared the other away or being so much of a giver that i attracted totally self-centered selfish people into my life. I had to stop giving myself away. I have to constantly remind myself to not take things so personally. This is hard when you have the instilled belief that if anything, It ought to start by being personal.
When i slowed down then the right men found me..Ones who will appreciate me and not take advantage of my need to give and also help me to find a balance between my need to give and my need to be independent.
Pretty tall order... But i'm worth it
Believing that i deserve love, am worthy of love has been life changing...

I never dated an Aries... Although i was married to another Aries moon for a long time ~ 2 children. He was a Cancer. I've mostly had relationships with the Water signs. They seem to help me open up the most.
i know this might sound trivial.. But I watched that movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Dianne Lane... If you haven't seen it... do. and if you have, then be open to the lessons learned. "Work on your house" "When still, the ladybugs will come to you" and "Its never too late for good things to come your way."
Sometimes you won't know what to do. That's okay. Trust your intuition more. It won't steer you wrong.

MM GREAT ADVICE!
****"It's always better to just shift your focus and just tell him that you feel it's best for you to cut things off because he can't return the feelings you have for him. Then go on to the good things that are in store for you."*****

posted January 10, 2007 08:19 PM         

Yes, I DO need to learn to slow down and pace myself in my giving and hopefully that will alter who I attract. I have attracted needy people who just **LOVE** taking what I have to offer. If they can't take it, then they freak out and don't trust me and do whatever they can to push me away. Once I'm gone and they realise that I was sincere, they stalk me or attack me more for not being available to them.

The few times I was given *to* I paid for it dearly. One was a Cancer(alcoholic and liar). The other a Scorpio who was just bananas(too long to post what happened there lol).

I need to see that movie. I love being entertained and getting deeper insights at the same time.

Thank you so much for your help Stargazer.

posted January 14, 2007 12:26 PM         

That was one beautiful movie. I'm gonna have to go buy the DVD. I'm not even into "chick flicks" or romance movie but THAT ONE

posted January 15, 2007 02:30 PM         

I loved the ending when the water just pours.