posted January 25, 2007 07:48 AM         

So thank you all very very much!

I just feel like I haven't been completely honest, that I'm playing the victim far too much when it comes to my perspective on the situation I write about. I focus too much on my own hurt feelings to consider that sometimes what I do and say to pisces-boy is mean, often moreso than he is to me. I use the excuse that he was mean to me first, or I THOUGHT he was about to be mean to me. And yet he is still in my life.

An example of how incredibly oversensitive I am happened just 3 days ago. My best friend and her husband were working so I babysat for her 2 kids with my 2 there as well, pisces-boy lives right next door to them.
I took all the kids swimming and as we drove home into the driveway, pisces-boy arrived home, driving into his driveway at the same time from the opposite direction. I didn't even look his way, I just walked into the front garden with my head high although my heart was screaming at me to smile or wave or do SOMETHING. How silly!
10 minutes later a young guy I didn't know arrived in the front yard, he told me there was a snake in the backyard next door (pisces-boy's yard), they were going to catch it but it was near the fence so just beware.
I got seriously p#$%ed off pisce-boy didn't come and tell me himself, instead he sent one of his mates who I didn't even know. I felt so hurt and absolutely crushed and thought with absolute certainty that we were definately over, this was his way of taking himself out of my orbit.
Half an hour later I was cooking dinner and my son sung out someone was at the door. Sure enough it was pisces-boy. He came to tell me they'd caught the snake so I shouldn't worry but maybe keep an eye out for more cos that one was only small. I asked him a few things, but didn't really say much mostly I just kept repeating 'I hate snakes' and he kept smiling but not saying much either.
So get this- I think he's rude for not not saying much and decide he's OBVIOUSLY deleted my number from his phone again, otherwise he would've just text me to tell me. Of course, if he had've text to tell me I would've thought he was a jerk for not coming to tell me.

I HATE that I am like this with him sometimes, I feel like I'm 12 years old and it sucks!!! I've never felt I have so much to lose before with anyone. The more deeply I feel the more we get to know one another, the more I am scared to tell him how I feel. I can't decide if I'm more terrified he WILL reciprocate or he WON'T reciprocate.

If I'm honest I can't beleive we know each other as well as we do considering the way we are with other. He's so similar to me in a lot of ways.

My best friend has known him since birth and we kinda talked about the situation the night after the snake incident. I was saying how I'd told my mother xmas eve at the pub that she could get to watch pisces-boy and I ignore one another. My best friend said I should've gone and planted a big kiss on his cheek and said merry xmas. I laughed and said how that was exactly what he'd done to me. She said that was really sweet (something I've NEVER heard her say before about ANYTHING), I was surprised I hadn't told her cos I'd told everyone else, lol! It was very sweet actually, especially since it was a very very public ackowledgment.
She says I should just tell him I like him, that I want to get to know him better and spend more time with him. Even if he doesn't meet my kids for 6 months and we keep it low key. She tried to get me to text him them and there to see what he was doing, get it sorted out. I lied and said I'd deleted his number again cos I wasn't prepared for the final showdown.

How hard is that? And yet it terrifies me! I'm scared of looking like an idiot, that after more than a year he's gonna turn around and say "you've gotta be kidding!". I know he would never be nasty like that, maybe I'm scared of looking pathetic, the older single mum totally in love with the younger man.

I never thought it was possible to care about someone so much, especially after seeing the mean and yuk sides of their personality.

So everybody who's ever listened to me complain about this pisces-boy, know that I'm just as bad and promise if I ever complain again remind me in very harsh terms that this stuff should've been sorted out ages ago and its MY OWN FAULT!

OH! BY THE WAY!!!

Happy australia day everyone! The weather is gorgeous, I love my country, my traditions and yes, even the bl**dy snakes!!! Have a beer or 16 and raise your glasses to my beloved homeland! Maybe I shouldn't've raised quite so many tonight but its helped me be honest here, lol.