posted January 07, 2007 01:16 PM         

I went to his house the next night and we talked about it. I tried to be firm and realistic. I told him that all I was at that point was a loose end, and that he should go ahead and do now what he was going to do anyway...cut me loose. He was quiet and seemed to be struggling with it. He said he didn't want me to walk out the door that night and never see me again. He said he didn't want me to go. I asked him what in the world he wanted from me at that point. Then he asked if I still wanted to go to Chicago with him for New Years. I agreed to go, but I felt very uneasy.

New Years was fine, it seemed that we both had a good time, but when we got back he became distant. I saw him last Wednesday night, and that day was the day that he had put in his notice at his job here. He said he was feeling very introspective and had a lot on his mind...hoping that he had made the right decision and knew what he was doing. I asked him if he wanted to be alone since he was so quiet and uninvolved, so I left early.

I didn't hear from him Thursday. Friday night I called him and left a couple of messages. Saturday I called several times and never got a response. Finally, at 12am last night he called me and said that he didn't think we should see eachother anymore. He said he had talked about it with a couple of his friends, and had decided that this would be the best thing...for me. I was cold. I told him that I had given him so many "outs" many times before, and the reasons he was giving me were exactly the things that I had told him. He said that he hadn't wanted to hurt me then because I was in a "vulnerable state." I wanted to throw up. I asked him if he was home and he immediately said that he didn't want to have a "face-to-face" right then. I said I absolutely didn't want to drag this out and I needed to go over there to get the few things that I had left at his place. He agreed and told me to come by.

When I pulled up in his driveway he was standing outside getting wood. I got out of my car and just stood next to it. I asked him if he had my things ready and he said to come around back and go in the house. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to be near him, and I didn't want to be there any longer than I had to. When I went in he immediately got defensive with me and told me not to dare think that this wasn't hard for him too and that he didn't have any feelings. He kept saying that the decision had nothing to do with me or "us" but it was all because of the circumstances of him going to Chicago. He said I was a part of his life now and he still wanted to keep in contact with me and know how I was doing. I laughed at him. I said that it wasn't possible. He kept telling me not to see him in a bad light or think that he was an as*hole because he had done nothing wrong. I asked him why the hell he cared what I thought of him anyway. He said because he cared about me and what I thought. I laughed at him again. I didn't like how he put it on me like I was some fragile little doll. His condescending attitude was infuriating me. I just kept telling him I'd get over it.

When I got my things and headed toward the door he asked me to give him a hug. This was a sickening thought to me. He put his arms around me and I just stood there...I didn't embrace him back. The last thing he said to me was if I ever need anything...call him. I quickly turned my back and ignored the comment and said nothing.

I try so, so, SO hard to be tough. I keep telling myself that the relationship wasn't very long and that's a blessing...3 months up, 3 months down. 12 weeks and I'll be fine...I'll be cured. Focus on other things. But the tears burn in my eyes. I try not to blink and hope that they won't fall, but the burning continues and they come anyway. The bitterness is what kills me. Every single time I've put my heart on the line it's been stomped on...EVERY time. I hadn't felt this way about anyone in 3 years...I was so excited when I first met this guy...I was so happy. I thought that maybe I was finally getting a second chance...and now it's gone. Why??? What have I ever done that my karma is THIS bad? Does God hate me??? Am I truly cursed in love forever? I don't want to go through this again...I REALLY don't. Every time I think about what's ahead of me...weeks of pain and emotional agony, anger, regret, loss...I just don't want to do it. And then, starting over???? I don't want to. I want to give up. It took everything I had just to get out of bed this morning. I even thought about trying to get a hold of some sleeping pills and just take those for a while. Hibernate the whole grieving process away. I've already contemplated calling off of work tomorrow. I know I won't be able to concentrate, and I can't stand to cry or show weakness in front of others...and what if I break down? It also makes me sick when people pity me and I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear, "Oh I'm so sorry...not again! I was so happy for you! I really thought this one would work out." Yeah, not so much. And people wonder why I'm so cynical. I just don't know how I'm going to get through it this time. The last guy I dated broke up with me THE DAY MY DAD DIED. And that was only 6 months ago. It would be one thing if I hadn't had my heart broken many times, but it seems like it just KEEPS happening. I honestly can't take it anymore. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Live in dreams forever.

posted January 07, 2007 02:24 PM         

Please write me (if you feel up to it) -- my e's at my Profile.....

posted January 07, 2007 02:38 PM         

Have you ever seen the movie The Family Man with Nicolas Cage? Just let go with love!!! He might have decided to come back... or might have decided in the future. Quit being such a hard ass. The Universe will keep on giving you this lesson until you GET IT. YOU HAVE TO VULNERABLE CAPRICORN WOMAN.

Love, from my Cappy Moon...

I wrote a poem once that described my Capricorn emotions in love... had a line about "won't someone climb up this imposing tower?"

posted January 07, 2007 10:27 PM         

Believe me, I try to come across as a hard ass, but I'm really not. I'm not like a Cap moon in that way. In fact, one of my cap moon friends is always in awe of me by the way that I just take the plunge when I'm in love. She's deathly afraid of revealing her feelings to anyone...but I'm not. I think with my pisces moon and scorp venus, I've never been afraid of the risk, although I guess I should be. The night that I talked with the pisces about this after Christmas, I told him that I had fallen madly in love with him...I told him that the thought of never listening to him play guitar, or hearing his laugh again just killed me. Apparently, that just made him think I was in a "vulnerable state." That's why I'm confused. It wouldn't make sense for the universe to continue punishing me, when I AM risking it all...and not fearing love. I act hard when I'm hurt because I don't want to let the other person know that they've broken me.

posted January 07, 2007 10:57 PM         

I know all of this is a lot easier said than done.

posted January 08, 2007 12:00 PM         

Sorry, a little pity here, but not in an icky way, just in an empathetic pisces man kinda way:-) Just wanted to pop in and say don't lose hope...it is very easy to lament on why me, and when will love happen...don't do it, don't be a victem......things happen for a reason and as trite as it may sound, if it was meant to be, it would...or it will be, this chapter isn't over yet...
so, find some optimism in the unkown...either great and yummy things will happen with pisces/chicago guy, or great and yummy things will happen with a new guy...
so, kick back, do your hobbies, practice mind over matter, do the things you 've been putting off, do some yoga, watch "what the bleep do we know" and make your destiny.

posted January 08, 2007 09:11 PM         

Love is a warm feeling and some men just don't give much off, it's like they are all wet! If it's any consolation I find Pisces and Cancer men to be better friends than lovers, not the benefits kind.

My pisces friends are always letting me down but not when they are JUST friends, I expect way too much from lovers but that's okay!

Remember you are a Earth Woman, you deserve the best in a lover and many friends. you can't be with everyone, there is only one special you, and we love you.

posted January 09, 2007 06:44 PM         

Turns out though, that I may not have lost such a "winner" after all. Zala can vouch for me on that...she's heard the back story.

This guy's got some MAJOR issues. He's a highly, HIGHLY addictive personality, and I guess it's better that I found out sooner rather than later. It was right there in front of me the whole time but those damn pisces moon, rose colored glasses that I always wear were severely blocking my vision.

I'm still heartbroken of course, but I'll just say that his behavior in the last 4 days, and with a lot of introspection on the whole thing, he's made it a lot easier for me to get over him. Maybe my bounce back time will only take 6 weeks??? Or maybe I just have a habit of attracting poison and I should just stay out of that pool for a while...

posted January 09, 2007 08:24 PM         

Heres hoping for a positive, available, healthy relationship next time!!!!!

posted January 10, 2007 10:47 AM         

I know all to well the glare those rosy glasses can cause...
And faced with someone with an addiction is similiar to a fart in the face! It just stinks!

I admire your strength... and I also think your pool just got a big dose of chlorine. It will be ready (healthy) to swim in soon or at least clear enough to dangle your legs over the edge a while....

posted January 10, 2007 01:33 PM         

Anyway, I've actually had to be in contact with the little sh*t in the last couple of days because of a certain "debt" that he racked up in my name. He finally took care of it this morning, but he hasn't seemed nearly as sincere as I would have liked him to be. Also, last Wednesday, the last night we hung out together, he gave me a pair of Tiffany earrings for my birthday/Christmas. Sure it was nice to get them, but since he pulled this BS immediately afterword, I had packaged them up with a note and dropped them in his mailbox on Sunday. There was NO WAY I was keeping those damn things after the way he treated me...I don't care WHERE they were from. Strangely enough, he hasn't said ONE word about that in the last two days that we've talked about clearing up this debt.

I just don't get him. Is he just a very good liar? Is that what it is??? Just another lying, manipulating piscean man? Are these guys EVER sincere?

posted January 10, 2007 03:35 PM         

To answer your other question, he DEFINITELY took the passive-aggressive way out in the end which PIS*ED me off. I would have been hurt regardless, but much more understanding if he had given me the credit I deserved by sitting me down personally (not on the phone), and saying, "YOU were right (since I was the one all along that told him it might be a good idea to end it or at least talk about it), and that this might be the best thing for US." Instead of pinning it on "me" like I'm some weakling. It also would have been nice if he hadn't let his "friends" make the decision for him. That would be like me saying, "you know sweetie, I've talked it over with my best friend, and I just don't think we should see eachother anymore." I mean, how ridiculous is that!!?? And that's exactly what he said. How the hell do they know what kind of relationship we have??? I mean, they've only met me twice! I think that's what's killing me...that's what's ticking me off. And the fact that he wouldn't have even seen me face-to-face if I hadn't forced it on him.

posted January 13, 2007 01:23 PM         

Basically what he has done is take that time to convince himself that he can live without you and attempt to repress his feelings and make this true.

He completely ****** it up though in my opinion. He clearly didn't succeed but has to follow through. The fact that you were so pragmatic, but hey you're a Cap, will have cut him deeply, even if he feels that you are suffering a little.

By acting independent and matter-of-fact you will torture him. He'll be wondering how you are and his feelings will be running right through him, that Scorpio Moon WILL NOT allow him to rest.

I have a feeling that he will take a far longer time to get over this relationship than you, even though that seems bizarre after the way he is acting.

This ladies is the personification of a confused Pisces and a scared Scorpio Moon man. Watch and learn. If only he could act like a mature human being and demonstrate the emotions boiling inside him he might gain some understanding and sympathy. As it is he's alienating probably more than just yourself right now Cranky.

He mayt look for affection elsewhere to fill the void he is creating for himself - and he is going to need a bigger prescription for a while.

He'll be back if you are clearly moving on.

Hope your heart can sit with this and absorb whatever lesson lies within it.

Don't get bitter if you can help it. We feel the pain of the loss of the dream more than we feel the loss of the person at times like this.

This was a pretty big dream for you, and there may even be another chapter.

That is your choice sweetheart.

posted January 13, 2007 02:34 PM         

I was wondering where you'd been hiding! Thanks for that...your observations helped clarify a little. Too bad you're not right around the corner, I'd ask you to grab a coffee and talk this out with me!

posted January 13, 2007 03:23 PM         

Are you working on that degree in counseling??
Man, you should!! You have a real way with words, and the way you express your thoughts (and your depth) is exquisite!!!
I could write reams until I was blue in the face with blisters on my fingers and not say it as succinctly and empathetically as you.