posted February 15, 2007 12:16 PM         

Okay, here's the story: Back when I was in eighth grade, I was REALLY good friends with this guy named Jonathan W. The thing is, I had a big crush on him and I didn't know whether or not he had ANY feelings for me whatsoever because after our Spanish teacher, Ms. Baker, embarrassed him in class by telling him to "stop flirting" with me he started acting pretty mean to me. (You know, calling me ugly, trying to get me in trouble, pushing me, kicking me under the table... etc.) But I didn't care 'cause I've been abused before so my self-esteem wasn't really all that high back then (I have a bit of self-esteem now, but not much of an ego... I am a little confident now, though.) so I figured I deserved it. (And now I think I was right without knowing it.) The thing is, one of my "friends," Megan Burrell (The PASTOR'S daughter!) also had a crush on him. Since we had P.E. together 7th period, we were talking about him together and I ACTUALLY HELPED HER TRY TO GET HIM!!! I did their SYNASTRY, even! I compared their sun signs and their moon signs... everything!! This was before I found out you could do birth charts on the CPU, so I was using a book and we weren't sure if she was a Taurus or a Gemini, so I gave her BOTH interpretations!!! And then you know what she did? She basically TOLD him that I liked him! She told him that I had a crush on "Elvis" (Which was my code name for him; he's the one who started my use of code names 'cause this was the first time I'd ever been FRIENDS with the guy I liked; all other times I didn't even talk to the guy I had feelings for); he started asking me who Elvis was and I wouldn't tell him, 'cause I had the FIRM belief that guys had to confess their feelings first.

BTW, my friends, Ashley and Morgan sat with/near him at lunch while this was happening, and one day they asked him what he thought of Elvis, and he said, "He's a gay loser!" or something like that... he DID call him gay, though, so he didn't know it was him which was probably why he acted so mad about it. Then, apparently Megan TOLD him it was him, because about two days later Ash and Morgan asked the same thing and he said, "Elvis is SOOO hot!" (lol, definately that Leo Jupiter...) So he KNEW it was him (or was at least 99% sure) but he STILL didn't tell me!!!

Then, the fateful day that, if I could change ANYTHING in my life, this would have been it, he asked me in Spanish class, and he said he thought he knew who it was, and he wrote three names on the board. Two of them were Patrick or something and I would NEVER like those two, but thirdly he put HIS name. I still wouldn't admit it, though, 'cause he wouldn't tell me WHY he wanted to know!

So that day afterschool he STAYED AFTER, about twenty minutes or even a half hour, his dad was waiting for him outside, btw. He wanted to know and he kept asking "Who's Elvis?" And my response was "Why do you want to know?" And he just said "Because I'm curious!"

I did ALMOST tell him, though, the one time his response was different. He said, "So I can beat him up." THAT MEANT SOMETHING!!! I almost told him, even if I'd done it simply by saying, "What, you'd beat yourself up?" or something... but I STUPIDLY didn't tell him! Eventually he started asking, "just tell me the first letter!" and I still wouldn't 'cause I knew he'd know it was him if I did...

Then, it happened. He had to leave, and we were standing in the staircase of G-wing with the window; I was at the top landing, he was halfway down, and he looked up at me and said, "I won't talk to you again until you tell me."

He didn't.

I was so depressed that he wouldn't talk to me that I did SO much to try to get him to! I would walk by him more often, I would talk about something I thought he'd want to know about when he was in earshot, HECK I EVEN PUT AN ANONYMOUS LOVE NOTE IN HIS LOCKER WITH DISGUISED HANDWRITING! (It hurt my hand to write it, too.) He still didn't talk to me. (A lot happens, like, he dates his friend Amanda, then my friend Hannah, and he's going between the two and I'm actually COMFORTING THEM and I STILL don't confess, even to them, because I don't want THEM to get dumped for me! As if he'd have actually done that, but I didn't want THEM to get hurt, so I didn't even make it a possibility.)

So it's the last day of school, right? I'm downstairs in a study hall period while Jonathan takes his science exam. I'm hanging out with my friend Dustin and Alex W. and they're acting wierd, like Alex is "posing" with me and Dustin's pretending to take pictures. Alex's elbow bumped into my breasts a few times and he'd look at me when it happened and say "I wish that was my hand." And I'd kinda look at him and either laugh or move away a little. (I wasn't sure if he was joking or not.) Then, because Alex was flirting with/ hitting on me, when the bell rings Dustin walks out yelling "Don't go in the staircase, (the one without windows) Courtney and Alex are making out!" We WEREN'T, of course, but he was all for it, so I stood by the window in the door into the hallway in upstairs G-wing, looking out while Alex was "waiting for me" at the half-landing of the stairs. He did come up to where I was to turn off the lights, though, and Jonathan saw us in there, with the lights off, but DIDN"T DO ANYTHING!!! I knew he was a Scorpio, so I'd tried to make him jealous so he'd DO something, maybe FINALLY admit whether or not he liked me, or at least say good bye, maybe even yell at me and/or Alex with a fit of passion since I thought MAYBE he cared about me... but no, he just walked away. I thought he might come back, but in about half a minute after procrastinating from going to where Alex was, I just left. I walked out leaving Alex there alone and I tried to find Jonathan, but he'd already left. I was SO mad at myself because it hadn't worked and I was afraid I may have hurt Jonathan. I wasn't worried about Alex, 'cause I knew he used girls a lot (my friend Phylisha had dated him that year) and he could deal with being dissed by at least one girl.

But that's basically the story.... it doesn't end there, though.
The first week of school the next school year, we have the same lunch shift and he ACTUALLY TRIED TO TALK TO ME!!! He DID and I ignored HIM because he'd ignored ME! I was paying him back and I wish I hadn't! I wish I had become friends with him again instead of trying to make him pursue me... but I was stupid.

Of course, the second week of school, the first day of Windy Gap, I first made eye contact with a guy I felt an INSTANT connection, and it was strong! I stopped thinking about Jonathan W so much and my feelings for this guy that I didn't even know started growing. When I discovered that his name was ALSO Jonathan I was shocked, 'cause that was the THIRD Jonathan in a row that I'd liked and I hadn't even known it!!! So then our story progressed and I no longer felt so romantically inclined towards Jonathan W. But I still wanted to regain friendship status with him because it had been fun AND ACTIVE (almost NONE of my friends are very active, but we'd actually chased each other and random stuff like that...), but I was too shy that year because the more I liked Jonathan G, the more shy I became because I was struggling with trying to find a way to talk to him. Actually, I was trying to get him to talk to ME more, 'cause I still thought that way... Trust me, I learned my lesson about that the hard way. I still PREFER it if guys make first moves and if they kind of dominate, but that's probably just personal preference; I won't let it end a friendship again.

Anyway, originally I wasn't going to post most of my romantic history, but I did anyway. This is what I was ORIGINALLY going to post, the thing about Jonathan W. (Since it's been bothering me).

Since we stopped being friends he's had two concussions and doesn't even REMEMBER that we WERE friends, so I doubt he remembers that he said he'd talk to me again if I told him who it was, which I did recently (within the past few months) by sending him a message via MySpace. He doesn't really talk to me still, but I was talking to Kayley on Monday (2-12-07) and he actually tried to tell me something, but I didnt' notice 'cause he hasn't talked to me in so long, so when he finally got my attention he wouldn't tell me what it was! Of course, this is the weirdest thing ever:

My name is Courtney, His name is Jonathan.

I am now dating a WONDERFUL man named Jonathan!

He is now dating a girl named Courtney. (And when he didn't date her, he dated another Cancer.)

ISN"T THAT WEIRD!?!?!?! Also, the reason I've been thinking about this lately is that I was reading a lot about soul mates and such, and there was a section about KARMIC BONDS, which... I think there's one between this guy and I. I think the bond that Jonathan G and I have is different; we may be soul mates! Not sure about Twin Souls, 'cause then I'd feel more comfortable around him and etc.... but anyway, I think Jonathan W. and I have a Karmic Bond which means that one of us probably did something to the other in a past life, and now... it's not being resolved because he won't talk to me! I don't care if he has to beat me up, cut off my hair, hurt me emotionally, or whatever, I just want to solve this because I feel something is connected!!! It's so weird... and I'm pretty sure he feels it, too, 'cause when he looks at me he sometimes sighs in an exasperated way or just glares at me. I just wish we'd start talking again so that whatever it is can be resolved....

IT HURTS MY HEART!!! My heart seriously aches when I see him sometimes because I know I caused him pain somehow... and I don't know how to help him since he refuses to talk to me most of the time!!! One day I'm just gonna talk to him and tell him EVERYTHING, even that I believe in reincarnation and I think that we hurt each other somehow... I don't know. All I know is that I CAN'T get over it because it will always bother me!

I don't know what to do... and now I'm kind of babbling, so I'll go now. It just... it bothers me! It truly bothers me! Especially since I feel like I'm betraying Jonathan G. by thinking about Jonathan W, even though I'm not thinking anything romantic, it's just that I KNOW there's some sort of connection. I've only got a year and a few months left to settle this before I graduate, so I guess I'll figure something out.