posted April 14, 2017 04:32 PM            

I must admit I'm curious how you challenge each other online. I know it can happen, but will it still happen offline? People can have very different chemistry online than they do offline, interesting enough.

It's also worth noting that your glowing praise of him seems based entirely from online interaction, something to be wary of. And a player or pick up artist would say many of the same things (it doesn't mean he is playing you, but just because he knows what to say to you doesn't mean he's presenting himself and his intentions honestly).

IF he is being authentic with you, and your praise of him is justified...and that's a big "if"...then perhaps it's time for a change for you all (and hope the chase and longing isn't much more exciting than the actual having).

Change happens to all of us, and that includes both love and life arrangements. People can fall out of love as much as fall into it, and there isn't always a clear reason why it happens, and may be as seemingly random as falling in love. Sometimes 2 people can fall out of love with each other yet still love each other in a different way.

You have romantic views of marriage, so I think it's worth pointing out that marriage varies a lot more in actual practice than many realize, and the idea that marriage is about One True Love is a relatively recent notion. It is based on property rights and paternity, and has been used to seal deals and treaties as well as create alliances and mergers for thousands of years (a woman rarely got to choose who her husband was, though some cultures did allow a woman to declare divorce if it suited her, but her family would be a strong factor in whether she did or not), and had to take many things into account (from race, class, religion, and many other things). Of course, marriages could have more than 2 spouses (that is each other), and in some cultures a woman can have multiple husbands just as a man can have multiple wives, and some places today even have etiquette about lovers (for the wife as well as the husband) outside of marriage (it's expected, within boundaries).

And until recently marriage was seen as different from love, and sometimes even sex (especially at the higher levels where marriages were purely political, typically foisted upon the man as much as the woman, and beyond offspring they were both assumed to have genuine lovers outside the marriage--sometimes a husband even financially supported his wife's lover, just as he did his own mistresses--and often his mistress's children). I know plenty of spouses tolerate sexual partners outside the marriage even now, though of course most would rather hide such things given the legal vulnerabilities it usually creates, not to mention the social stigma. That's because the institution of marriage changes over the centuries as much as anything else, though human nature tends to stay about the same.

If you both feel marriage is primarily based on feelings of love then by all means this man should drop his wife whom he no longer loves (at least in that way, but sounds like there is no respect there either) and get with you. He has likely changed over the years, but at least he should have a much better idea on what he wants, and will want in the years ahead...perhaps you will even marry him, and should his marriage to you end then maybe it would be you who realizes you want something else. Feelings are mutable things, after all, and people grow and change (which can change how they feel about a person, even a spouse), and it happens quite a bit even as they reach mid-life and beyond.

Speaking of which, there are women who prefer being the "other woman" as a mistress is generally treated with more appreciation and consideration than a wife. A wife has her own advantages, but it's mostly in terms of legal issues in society (assumed inheritance, insurance, tax purposes, medical and other visitation rights, etc) whereas a mistress (or a male counterpart) will get a lot more heated passion, and probably a lot more gifts (and fewer obligations) than a spouse gets. It's just something to keep in mind as once he actually has you then his behavior toward you may start to change.

posted April 15, 2017 01:11 AM            

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Originally posted by Sibyl:
He asked me what I wrote and I showed him and he told me I said nothing about why I want to be with him and only expressed doubt so people are just going to tell me that if I have all these doubts why don't I just dump him. I said people here don't give shallow answers, it's why I like it so much. I don't feel people come to these forums if they are not ready to search their souls or try to seriously understand and honestly help each other. It is why I keep circling back here.

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posted April 15, 2017 09:03 AM            

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Originally posted by Sibyl:
Hi SG,

To answer your question.

He says he was attracted to her but that it was a superficial attraction. Even today he still tells me he finds his wife beautiful. They have had also had a good physical relationship.

He says the problem is he does not respect her as a person the way he respects me. I said that he must have respected her at one point, and he says he respected her integrity but he feels that this is something she has lost over the years, or perhaps that they have lost it together from lack of honesty in their marriage. He says he feels I have integrity, and that there are also a number of other things that he respects about me that directly impacts him that he does not have in his marriage. He said firstly that I challenge him to be a better person, and secondly that I take his wishes and needs into consideration.

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posted April 15, 2017 08:38 PM            

So just a thought that I had while reading through this thread, everyone has made valid points, but nobody has brought up the fact that this man also has children and lives in a different country. Is he going to uproot his entire life to come be with you? You said they were discussing custody and living arrangements and the like for the kids. What about for the two of you?

If he goes through with his divorce and says that he wants to be with you, are you going to go to him? Or is he going to leave his ex-wife and children? And even a third option, move all of them to where you are so that he can have all of you around?

While that last one sounds like it might be crazy, it actually sounds like the most legitimate way to solve the location issues. But then how hard would his wife fight to stay where she is if he is divorcing her? How uneasy would it make you if this was what he chose?

I'm just saying, there is a lot to think about besides just your feelings of connection and intimacy with this man. I love that you say you encourage each other to be better and that there is a deep trust between you two. I've always thought that sometimes, meeting online might be better, because it means that you can get to know each other by communicating rather than being drawn by physical attraction. The only problem is that sometimes people who communicate through written words well don't do it as well when it's verbal. Just be careful of this and know that just because someone is one thing online, doesn't mean they are the same in person.

I've met a few people that I've known from the internet and while a small majority were exactly who they seemed to be online, a few were not. Not in a bad way just that their online personality and their in-person personality were not the same. Being more timid in life than online made it hard for them to communicate the same way. It made the meetings kind of awkward. So, as long as he is showing you who he truly is, and not just a persona, you should be able to connect just fine

My advice to you here would be to be careful. Has he shown you proof that he is getting a divorce? And what was his wife's reaction to him telling her about you? If he has been consistent in his dealings with you, I'd take this as a sign of him being honest. Especially since you don't feel that he's lying to you about anything. I doubt that he is. But what I want you to be careful of are the issues that will be presented when the time comes for you to be together, if and when it comes.

posted April 18, 2017 02:23 PM            

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Originally posted by Sibyl:
Yes, I obviously would have liked that too. It is less than ideal.

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