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Author Topic:   in a relationship, would you....
praecipua
Knowflake

Posts: 216
From: england
Registered: Aug 2007

posted January 21, 2008 09:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for praecipua     Edit/Delete Message
would you be able to accept an open relationship to satisfy your other half's emotional and sexual fulfilment if he needed it, while remaining in a relationship that brings you a spiritual fulfilment?

personnally i'm not sure i could handle it. the idea of it is unbearable.

what about you?

are you in a conventional relationship or in a more unusual one? and if the latter, how do you handle it? do you still love each other like at the begining or did it change something? what are the consequences on your feelings for him or her?

i'm really interested to know, please share your views but mention if you ARE CURRENTLY in this situation or if you think about how you would POTENTIALLY react to it....

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augentier
Knowflake

Posts: 288
From: KS
Registered: Nov 2007

posted January 21, 2008 09:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for augentier     Edit/Delete Message
I fell for a guy who was in a relationship like this..making me the "other woman" .. even though I grew somewhat emotionally attached, for some reason I had no problem with him having a girlfriend and knowing that he was actually the most emotionally attached to HER..they have been together for years in a very easy going relationship. Apparently his girlfriend did not mind because she knew he was out all the time hanging with me, and I have been at their house when she is there, and we get along too. It was weird at first and now it's just normal.

On the flip side..I'm not sure I could be in an open relationship like that. Maybe I could. I am very flexible in my values in relationships and I think that if I met a guy who I can fully trust and respect and we BOTH wanted to experiment sexually outside of our relationship, I could do it..but if it was JUST HIM wanting it, I would probably be confused as to why I'm not enough for him..I wouldn't be able to understand because I wouldn't feel the same way.

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Capricorn sun / Scorpio rising / Sagittarius moon

No man is free who is not master of himself.

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praecipua
Knowflake

Posts: 216
From: england
Registered: Aug 2007

posted January 22, 2008 12:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for praecipua     Edit/Delete Message
i see, so there would be a need of reciprocity ?
but then i guess i'm more scare of my own reactions to this situations...would i not grow to free from him? meaning...would i still be satisfied by this relationship if we both wanted to experiment outside of the relationship?
thanks for the insight augentier
ps: your username is beautiful!!!! i which i could change mine

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augentier
Knowflake

Posts: 288
From: KS
Registered: Nov 2007

posted January 22, 2008 01:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for augentier     Edit/Delete Message
It totally depends on you as a person..I can't speak for anyone but myself. I definitely am a jealous person so my take on that situation if I were part of the couple involved is just a guess..if I was already jealous & possessive over him there is no way in hell I'd let that fly LOL The relationship would be over at that point...

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Capricorn sun / Scorpio rising / Sagittarius moon

No man is free who is not master of himself.

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LEXX
Knowflake

Posts: 137
From: Still out looking for Schrödinger's cat.
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 22, 2008 01:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message
These threads are along the same lines.
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/002258.html
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/003032.html

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LadyNeptune
Knowflake

Posts: 71
From:
Registered: Dec 2007

posted January 22, 2008 07:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LadyNeptune     Edit/Delete Message
No, I couldn't do that. It would bother me if my partner wanted to be sexual with others.

I'm not a prude, but I don't think it's natural to be involved in group sex situations or to condone my parner's sexual needs that aren't solely with me. I don't judge those that do, but I feel it is dysfunctional. Maybe that's just because it would be dysfunctional for ME...maybe I AM a prude...

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LEXX
Knowflake

Posts: 137
From: Still out looking for Schrödinger's cat.
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 22, 2008 11:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message
Nah....
You are NOT a prude!
It is just not your thing!
It would be dysfunctional for you if you did
engage in such an arrangement.
It would not be "natural" to "you" personally.
To others it is "natural"
Like for straight people, having an intimate relationship with the same sex "feels" unnatural to them.
And having a relationship with the opposite sex "feels" unnatural for Gay and Lesbian folks.
Nothing wrong with any of the arrangements as long as there is love, honesty, and trust.
Add commitment too.
I hope that made sense.

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LibraChickety
Knowflake

Posts: 246
From: usa
Registered: Jul 2007

posted January 23, 2008 12:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LibraChickety     Edit/Delete Message
No way, Jose :P

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Sun in Libra
Asc. in Sagittarius
Moon in Virgo
Mercury in Libra
Venus in Scorpio
Mars in Leo
Jupiter in Libra
Saturn in Libra
Uranus in Scorpio
........
I feel so naked ;)

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praecipua
Knowflake

Posts: 216
From: england
Registered: Aug 2007

posted January 23, 2008 12:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for praecipua     Edit/Delete Message
thanks, seeing i'm not the only one thinking that way, i feel less guilty...

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Node
Knowflake

Posts: 1087
From: longitude:-4.757716 latitude:50.667925
Registered: Nov 2005

posted January 23, 2008 01:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Node     Edit/Delete Message
I tried to adopt/adapt to the open relationship a Gemini Sun I fell for wanted. In the end you have to be authentic to yourself. Otherwise unhealthy resentments, jealousies, loss of true center *self* erode the relationship. At least it did for me. I felt lacking in confidence to not stand up for what I needed. [emotional commitment] To learn that is not a bad thing-or selfish. That it is wrong for others--of course not---just wrong for me.
    ps he said to me once that he wanted to have kids that look like me....not that he wanted kids with me.

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Diandra23
Knowflake

Posts: 1404
From: portugal
Registered: Mar 2007

posted January 23, 2008 07:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Diandra23     Edit/Delete Message
So this was the post you wanted to begin in the other day wasnt it?

You werent finding the right words to put the subject? I know what you mean..

In the 1st times of our relationship,JOnnhy asked me a question like that..and i wasnt so surprised cause we regularly have philoso+hical head to heads.

But i was a little surprised by his way of thinking ( well afterall he is an Aqua Moon) but still a cancer asc and libra sun..so im still asking myself why till today...

He asked what would i do if in a love relationship, the other, by having diferent sexual needs/fantasies, opposed as mine,asked me to have other partner to satisfy that same needs..?
The condicions were that me and him loved each other profoundly but the problem was just that: sexual fullfilment.

I answered that obvioulsy if i love the person,and him loves me,then of course i wouldnt accept it cause i would want a exclusive person,who would be just with me.that love itself didnt asked 3rd persons and if the other asked such a thing its cause his Love really isnt Love

He stated that he passed a situation similar to that but while understanding my point of view,he thought like this:

"If you are gonna be with this person the rest of your life,then think if you would hadle not to be sexually fullfield the rest of your life" - i stated " didnt matter cause those diferences can be worked out with patience and love,so its matter of time".
He said: " Wouldnt you see as a higher love proof the fact that you understood your loved one´s needs and instead of keeping him prisioned in a non fullfiment sex life,then accepting and trusting him and his love,freeing him just in body,but aware that his Spirit/SOul is all yours?" And that Love isnt body but its Higher meaning is the one of the Spirit Bonding?

Well, i still sticked to my previous answer - for me having a love realtionship is an exclusive one where the 2 can handle diferences,including the sexual ones.

Taht conversation was before we become intimate..otherwise i would see it as a very doubtfull one and due to my Virgo insecurity might had very well "squezzed off" my everlasting trusting in him hihihi

Somehow i can see why he said that - men can really be from Mars! - but still one thing i would never ever apologize would be my Lover having another woman

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Bear the Leo
Knowflake

Posts: 165
From: In Pidaua's arms
Registered: Jun 2006

posted January 24, 2008 04:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bear the Leo     Edit/Delete Message
No not me not at all. I don't share. I like to be the center of attention anyway. Thats a Leo for you. LOL.

Besides she is mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

Just like the in the www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEjarcR9duw

check out starting at 1:53 or 6:32 minutes into it. Hee hee

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venusdeindia
Knowflake

Posts: 592
From: mumbai,india
Registered: Nov 2006

posted January 26, 2008 10:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for venusdeindia     Edit/Delete Message
to anyone who thinks they r prudes for tying their partner down.....

its not dysfunctional to be in a monogamous situation.
it IS dysfunctional to go bed - hopping when u u love someone and are in a relationship with them.
Pychotherapy .. plain and simple.
the need to be in an open relationship comes from fear of commitment.
freedom and commitment are two extremes , that are both needed for love. a lot of people seem to think they are impossible to harmonise.
THAT is when the need to look outside of a realtionship ,for the occasional dose of freedom arises.

SEX feels the same physically between any two people, irrespective of sex, age, appearance, race.

a physical orgasm is a physical orgasm.
any difference in sensation is either spiritual / Emotional OR psychological.
PERIOD.

real Love with a soulmate leads to an sexual bond that can beat a thousand one night hook ups.

need for escape from an exclusive relationship can make a fling exciting, that is Psychology, not love .

personally, i would beat my man up, for asking, let alone going ahead.
thats my eighth house Pluto talking

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Aphrodite
Knowflake

Posts: 4975
From:
Registered: Feb 2002

posted January 27, 2008 02:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aphrodite     Edit/Delete Message
What often happens in these types of situations is that the person who is more inclined to have a monogamous relationship ends up finding someone else who will fulfill that need and the original relationship dissolves.

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MoonPixie
Knowflake

Posts: 320
From:
Registered: Oct 2005

posted January 30, 2008 06:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonPixie     Edit/Delete Message
I've been in more open relationships than i'm willing to admit, and the one thing i've come to learn is that when a person wants an open relationship they only want to keep you around because they love the idea of you- the idea that when they do need that sense of comfort they can use as a crutch when they're lonely and insecure abou themselves that you'll be there to fulfill that. and it also has to do alot with their fear of commitment, but there are so many reasons why to be insecure which is why open relationships are such a difficult topic to discuss at times.

as for me, i'll never be in an open relationship ever again. i used to think that waiting for them to come around wasn't going to be hard, but eventually their insecurities rub off on you. You start to think that the reason they wont commit to you is because you're not good enough and you loose a sense of what you deserve and who you should really be in a relationship. You start to feel a very real sense of insufficiency and it's so emotionally and mentally damaging.

anyways, that's my two cents.

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NAM
Knowflake

Posts: 1940
From: Sunny place.
Registered: Jan 2007

posted January 30, 2008 07:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NAM     Edit/Delete Message
No way.
Is not about being possessive, is about having a partner that is in it with the same ideas and desires I have, I would not like to go out and have a sexual encounter with anyone else even if he was ok with it so I wouldn't want him to do it either.

If he wants to do this I understand and wish him all the luck in the world but not with me.

I am open to going to strip bars and having fun as a couple but that is as far as I go.

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Lara
Knowflake

Posts: 152
From: London
Registered: Mar 2006

posted February 01, 2008 08:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lara     Edit/Delete Message
agree Nam

I think trust gets damaged -

It's ok if you are living in separate countries but not otherwise, for me personally

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fieryscales
Knowflake

Posts: 14
From:
Registered: Jan 2008

posted February 01, 2008 01:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for fieryscales     Edit/Delete Message
My relationships have never lasted more than two months so I wouldn't know, but I have thought about it, occassionally.
Most of the gay couples I have met, seem to practise open-relationships, and I often wonder why they do.

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daregodiva
Knowflake

Posts: 11
From: Jacksonville, FL, US
Registered: Feb 2004

posted February 03, 2008 11:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for daregodiva     Edit/Delete Message
I'm a single female who has several close friends who are swingers. It all depends on the individuals. I think it's a beautiful thing if two people can experience it together and grow together. It's not for everyone. It's risky, being intimate with others...you could lose your mate..but that is always the chance even if you are in a traditional relationship. You could try it and see.

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Isolaede
Knowflake

Posts: 360
From: Studio City, CA
Registered: Aug 2005

posted February 04, 2008 01:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Isolaede     Edit/Delete Message
Being in the goth scene for so many years, I’ve known my share of swinger couples, and have had more than one attempt made at “converting” me. But in all truth, that lifestyle just is not for me. For me to feel spiritually connected to someone, I must trust them absolutely, and feel that their loyalty is assured. I think open relationships tear at the very foundation of that trust. When people put themselves in situations where they are sharing physical experiences with others, I think it inevitable that at some point there will also be deeper emotional and spiritual bonds formed with others. This however, goes against the basic rule of open relationships. The foundation of the system says all other contacts should be physical only - not spiritual. So I think it likely one or both parts of an open relationship coupling will betray the trust of their partner at some point. I have seen it happen with almost every swinger relationship I’ve known. Case and point:

1. I knew two married doctors that were swingers. The girl ended up meeting another woman that was kind and gentle (in ways her husband was not). She divorced her husband and ran off with the other woman.
2. Another couple ended up dallying with a friend of mine. The husband of the couple ended up falling in love with my friend and telling his wife about it. Fortunately my friend did not return his feeling, but the betrayal hurt his wife immensely.
3. Later on, the same couple brought a permanent “third” into their relationship. The third became jealous of the married couple and began trying to manipulate them against one another. The woman in the couple was very attached to the girl and almost left her husband for this other woman. They ended up working things out but only after a long period of pain.
4. Another couple had regular swinger parties. The wife always got a great deal more attention then the man, and the husband slowly became jealous and angry at his wife. Then another woman came into his life, and showed him a bit of attention. He immediately latched onto her and ended up leaving his wife for her.

Of all the swinger couples I’ve known #2/#3 are the only ones still together. I truly think the reason for their “success” is they were with one another not necessarily out of some deep attachment, but because they wanted to have children. And at the end, they also chose to put an end to their swinging.

In general I think this type of sharing, tends to look very appealing to some in theory, but rarely works out well in actuality. I’d only suggest it for couples that were more casually involved and not deeply into one another.

But that’s just my take - and I am a Cancer Sun / Taurus moon (IE VERY monogamous), so take everything I’ve said with a grain of salt.

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Isolaede
Knowflake

Posts: 360
From: Studio City, CA
Registered: Aug 2005

posted February 04, 2008 01:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Isolaede     Edit/Delete Message
Being in the goth scene for so many years, I’ve known my share of swinger couples, and have had more than one attempt made at “converting” me. But in all truth, that lifestyle just is not for me. For me to feel spiritually connected to someone, I must trust them absolutely, and feel that their loyalty is assured. I think open relationships tear at the very foundation of that trust. When people put themselves in situations where they are sharing physical experiences with others, I think it inevitable that at some point there will also be deeper emotional and spiritual bonds formed with others. This however, goes against the basic rule of open relationships. The foundation of the system says all other contacts should be physical only - not spiritual. So I think it likely one or both parts of an open relationship coupling will betray the trust of their partner at some point. I have seen it happen with almost every swinger relationship I’ve known. Case and point:

1. I knew two married doctors that were swingers. The girl ended up meeting another woman that was kind and gentle (in ways her husband was not). She divorced her husband and ran off with the other woman.

2. Another couple ended up dallying with a friend of mine. The husband of the couple ended up falling in love with my friend and telling his wife about it. Fortunately my friend did not return his feeling, but the betrayal hurt his wife immensely.

3. Later on, the same couple brought a permanent “third” into their relationship. The third became jealous of the married couple and began trying to manipulate them against one another. The woman in the couple was very attached to the girl and almost left her husband for this other woman. They ended up working things out but only after a long period of pain.

4. Another couple had regular swinger parties. The wife always got a great deal more attention then the man, and the husband slowly became jealous and angry at his wife. Then another woman came into his life, and showed him a bit of attention. He immediately latched onto her and ended up leaving his wife for her.

Of all the swinger couples I’ve known #2/#3 are the only ones still together. I truly think the reason for their “success” is they were with one another not necessarily out of some deep attachment, but because they wanted to have children. And at the end, they also chose to put an end to their swinging.

In general I think this type of sharing, tends to look very appealing to some in theory, but rarely works out well in actuality. I’d only suggest it for couples that were more casually involved and not deeply into one another.

But that’s just my take - and I am a Cancer Sun / Taurus moon, so take everything I’ve said with a grain of salt.

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