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Author
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Topic: I need to vent and get some help
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SunChild
Moderator Posts: 4081
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 24, 2008 05:58 AM
 
edited personal info for privacy... you never know lolIP: Logged |
robyn.c
Knowflake Posts: 131
From: england
Registered: Dec 2007
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posted May 24, 2008 06:14 AM
i think you have answered your own question here. he sounds unsuitable. by being with him you are blocking the right person from coming into your life. be good to yourself. take it easy IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 4081
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 24, 2008 06:21 AM
Mmm maybe. I forgot to mention that I was talking to my very intuitive step father of mine before I met this guy. Anyway he wrote a list of attributes my ideal guy should have for us to work out. He titled it "soul mate checklist" Well it turns out this guy does have everything the list reads (as far as I perceive), and I was so shocked because I thought what are the chances of this happening? It must be destiny.Another thing, this guy has given me his fridge, tv, rug, toaster, and heaps of other appliances he is not using because he shares a place, and he leaves his clothes here and heaps of other personal belongings. It's like his half way moved in already, but I never see him or hear from him, only when its convenient. I'm his last priority it seems. Ahhh 
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November Girl
Knowflake Posts: 8
From: N.S.W. Australia
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted May 24, 2008 07:24 AM
Hi SunChild, how r u?
I had to reply cos i recently had a very similar situation to u.
The guy I was seeing, (he was a virgo and i'm a scorpio)I had been platonic friends with for 5 years. At a certain point I began to have feelings for him and we gradually became alot closer. My feelings became alot stronger for him and it seemed like he felt the same and the way he talked to me and things he said, etc. There was a definite shift in his behaviour.. he was popping around alot without ringing to see me and he was being really great with my 3 y.o daughter and being really sweet, etc. On the other hand, in between all that, he was so confusing..we would arrange a night when he was going to come over for drinks and he would just not show up, not call and not answer when i tried to call. I would be completely hurt and wondering what happened and analysing the situation over and over. Then say, 2 weeks after, he'd ring me as if nothing ever happened. In hindsight, I can't believe I let him treat me like that, but when i'd talk to him, it seemed like he hadn't done it on purpose nad hadn't meant to hurt me. And I really loved it when he was around. It took me a while to snap out of it, but after him doing this kind of thing over and over for about a year, I no longer speak to him. He's not nearly good enough for me and I deserve so much more. I deserve someone to feel the exact same way as I do, no less. And give me the same devotion as I give them. The point is, you can analise the situation till your blue in the face and cry yourself to sleep, but it's not going to change the way he is. The very bototm line is, if your're not happy, it's no good. If your're not happy and not feeling loved, he's not the guy for you. Especially when he knows it upsets u but does the same thing. He might not have bad intentions but it doesn't mean u have to make excuses for him and be unhappy for him. Don't settle for something less than u know u deserve, because of lonliness, I know that's a cliche but it's true. U'll meet the right guy soon enough. Just love urself, so ur ready for it when it comes:-)
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SunChild
Moderator Posts: 4081
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 24, 2008 07:31 AM
quote:
but when i'd talk to him, it seemed like he hadn't done it on purpose nad hadn't meant to hurt me.
I know! How weird does that make you feel? I struggle to find ways to respond to that. This can't go on, and I'm not going to ask him to change for me, you are right, if I don't feelhappy then it's not good for me or him. At the moment though, I still would have him around right now and I don't know when or how this is going to change. Hmmmm. I'm still doing my head in thinking about his intentions. IP: Logged |
November Girl
Knowflake Posts: 8
From: N.S.W. Australia
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted May 24, 2008 08:39 AM
Yeah, it's really confusing, but u just have to do what's right by u. U have the strength to take control of the situation if u want to. And every relationship we have teaches us stuff, so u'll always come out better on the other side:-)IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6735
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted May 24, 2008 12:17 PM
Hi SunChild  I have some observations that I hope will not upset you…..
You wrote that you were “desperate for male attention” – why?? Your own private Warning Bells are going off: quote:
he is everything I want as far as personality, but everything else is a little off
quote:
I feel like something is a little strange, contrary to what he tells me
quote:
here are some facts and when I think about some of them I feel very tentative about things
This one in particular is not a good sign: quote:
has had 2 brief flings with older women while single, he bailed out once they got too attached to him
I think you may have yourself a commitment-phobe. He’s only too happy to accept your affection and physical favors, but shows up (without even calling!! Oh yeah, he’s a phone-phobe  ) only on HIS schedule.I think he’s inconsiderate and unstable. I find it odd that he’s living with an ex-girlfriend’s mother. The fact that at 25 he doesn’t have his own apartment or even a drivers license says that he has not committed to anything much in the way of responsibility. On the other hand, at 25 it’s fabulous to be out enjoying everything life has to offer, unencumbered by any kind of commitments. But the fact that at 25 years old he hasn't learned the courtesy of calling when plans change is not encouraging in either a friend or a lover. If you’re looking for an equal partner, someone to lean on when you’re not feeling strong, this ain’t the guy. What kind of work does he do?? Is he working towards a dream that he has, about what he wants to be or do?? Is he helping any of his fellow human beings along their paths, or is he just a party-animal, a goodtime buddy?? My perspective?? You’re giving too much of yourself and asking (and getting) very little in return, and deep down you know that this situation isn’t right for you, even if it feels good (when you're together) and you actually like some of his qualities and personality. Do you see a possible pattern here, in that you’ve attracted into your life men who are either emotionally or physically unavailable?? Men you can't count on..... Tahlea is the biggest responsibility of your life. It would be fun at your age to be out on yachts partying, but you’re a mom now – for a long-term partnership, you need someone who is serious about being there for both you AND Tahlea. But if you just want to have flings and have fun before Tahlea gets more aware of the men who are around mummy and what their role is, then now is the time 
Just don’t fall for them….. With love,
Zala PS: Decide what exactly it is that you want from a relationship, then only cultivate those relationships that have a possibility of fulfilling your "checklist". And if you're not willing to boot him out of your life yet, then revise your expectations and your perceptions and consider him *only* a shallow fling -- perhaps then you can avoid the unhappiness you're feeling now from your expectations not being met..... IP: Logged |
hippichick
Knowflake Posts: 2095
From: The Ether
Registered: Jan 2006
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posted May 24, 2008 02:57 PM
Girl, I could write a book on red flags, and you could do the intro, just from what you have written.I have few regrets in life, but not heeding the warning of relationship "red flags" is one.... Blessings T~~~ IP: Logged |
praecipua
Knowflake Posts: 634
From: england
Registered: Aug 2007
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posted May 24, 2008 04:23 PM
robyn and zala said what i wanted to say. perso, i can't handle someone that behaves like that. and early in the relationship... imagine after 20 years of marriage!robyn is right, while with him, u might miss the right one. IP: Logged |
bunnies
Knowflake Posts: 239
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007
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posted May 24, 2008 07:07 PM
Read Novembers post from "And he's not nearly good enough for me"
Says it perfectly.IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 4081
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 12:37 AM
Thanks Zala I don't sense any real commitment from him, he might even be afraid of it. When does it change for someone like him? Will he have to be 35 before he realises it would be nice to settle down? Or will it be Tahlea and I that could make him desire that? He is a plumber, works for his dad. He's been doing this for years, and he will eventually be working for himself.
He makes so much money and prefers to spend on partying rather than securing a life for himself. I'm a very needy person as far as love and security goes, I want someone to share my bed with and have lots of affection. He is also needy but in a social interactive way. He needs people around him all the time, lots of action, laughs, drinking, ect... I don't want flings I just want a real partner. I've been looking for Love for a long time since my past relationship dissolved years ago. I hung on for so long because I was afraid to be out in the world on my own. Thanks for your advice, I really really needed to hear that. I'm new to this and I have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is how to give love but very new at receiving. IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 4081
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 06:28 AM
I think it has happened.
I just called his house and asked for him, the voice on the other end said "just a minute i'll get him"....she comes back about a minute later and says he's not there. What crap. I just stayed silent, she said he's at his mums or something. I only feel the way I do because he wont talk to me. Sorry to vent again, but right now in this moment, I'm so so so hurt.
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praecipua
Knowflake Posts: 634
From: england
Registered: Aug 2007
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posted May 25, 2008 08:07 AM
well sorry for you. if this man is such an as*s he surely doesn't desrve to have the power to make you feel bad. i understand your feeling cause i usually fall so much, so deep and so quickly in love (eros in aries) that it's usually unrequited. i already experienced the feeling you are having right now. and it hurts, but what makes sense to me is that you are the person who feels. when you feel unrequited love it gives you an opportunity to feel the depth of YOUR love. even though he doesn't send it back to you, thanks to him, you got to appreciate the depth of your feeling. how much does it hurt? cause the more you hurt the more you can be proud of the depth of your love. be proud!
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Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6735
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 09:48 AM
Hi sweetie This may be the key to solving your relationship issues: quote:
I hung on for so long because I was afraid to be out in the world on my own.
Possibly you have some unconscious expectations that a male partner will take care of you and fulfill your needs for safety and happiness. I believe that right now that's the error in your thinking: that only someone else can make you feel happy, secure, loved. As one who has been there, I can say this is a road to nowhere. This is giving away to someone else the power to transform and build your own life – being dependent upon someone else’s presence and support. Nothing on this plane is Forever -- when you find someone to love, how do you know that they will not succumb to an untimely death, leaving you alone again?? My belief is that learning to be emotionally mature, and growing our own unique individual spirits and finding/following our own individual paths is why we're here at SchoolRoom Earth. It's wonderful when you find someone to walk a lifetime-long parallel path with, but that doesn't happen to everyone. The Universe may have given you this time alone, away from your ex-partner, as an opportunity to find yourself (sounds trite, but it’s true). Yet you may be squandering this time by pursuing men in the hope that you find one who can fulfill your expectations and fill the void of your "neediness." Being “out in the world on your own” is wonderful!! You gain such a fabulous sense of self-confidence and self-esteem. Everything that you accomplish on your own builds pride in your success, and the self-assurance that you can do anything you put your mind to, and that in turn will attract the kind of man you could be happiest with – a man who WILL be an equal partner, a peer, someone that both you and Tahlea can depend on.As for your plumber party-animal, as you do, I also sense that this is over – you want more than he’s willing to give. quote:
When does it change for someone like him? Will he have to be 35 before he realises it would be nice to settle down? Or will it be Tahlea and I that could make him desire that?
Although you are a wonderful person and any man would be lucky to have you in his life, I wouldn’t count on your (and Tahlea’s) power to “make” someone desire change. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen – I’m just saying it doesn’t sound like he’s ready. Do you have his birthdate?? His chart and current transits could give some clues as to his behavior. He may be 35 before he “realizes it would be nice to settle down.” Or he may be 50, or maybe never. Some people don’t EVER desire “settling down” with a partner and a home and children. quote:
He makes so much money and prefers to spend on partying rather than securing a life for himself.
I have friends at work in their late 20’s who do the same thing – when you’re young you think that there is so much of life ahead of you that you’ll have plenty of time to make up for living too lavishly. Saturn Return often brings a revision of this attitude When you have more than enough income to take care of basic needs, it’s immature not to at least put a little away for a rainy day.Hon, you need a more mature man who is ready to commit to you and Tahlea. You need a man who puts you as top priority in his life, not someone who avoids you when you call. In the meantime, before he comes along, this is the time to work on YOU, and building the life YOU want to have. What if you have to wait 5 or 10 years for Mr. Right?? You need to have your OWN gig going – a good income to support you and your little one, something that satisfies you. You have a lot of knowledge and skills in the Healing fields (reiki, nutrition, etc) – surely there would be an outlet for these abilities?? Perhaps there would be more opportunities if you moved to a larger city?? There are so many possibilities for your life right now, I almost wish I was in your place Take care, and let us know how it goes. There’s lots of “cord-cutting” exercises right here on this board, to help remove those emotional and spiritual bonds that have been forged with your elusive paramour. {{{ hugs }}}
Zala IP: Logged |
NosiS
Moderator Posts: 1135
From: )
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 11:22 AM
 "And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not." Peace be with You IP: Logged |
MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3875
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted May 25, 2008 06:04 PM
That wasn't the guy for you anyway. Was he spiritual? Did he want to grow vegetables and live off the grid? Find men as friends. Don't have sex with them (or even kiss them deeply right away, because as adults we know how dangerous a really good kiss can be). If one relationship becomes more special than the others it will be clear. And if you don't have sex, then both of your feelings and what your connection actually IS will be clear enough to you to get you through any times of testing. Sex will also be better later because good sex takes trust. I know you feel alone.
There are so many people here who see your value.
God bless you and your daughter. IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 4081
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 06:34 PM
Thanks for your loving responses, I just opened my quote for the day on myspace and it was this quote:
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others
WOw, it's true. And I'm really scared of treading this new path. Zala, you are brilliant and right. I fool myself for comfort. I also feel that that loneliness is when you are not responding to your environment properly. I hear you and I will try to persue my real dreams I used to have, and I had always imagined myself single for a while doing what i love to do. Now that I'm "here", it's not as easy as I thought it would be. NosiS, *sob* thanks. MysticMelody, no he wasn't spiritual and used to joke about my beliefs, and i knew he just didn't know so I never took offense. I really really want a spiritual partner, it almost seems insane that i would hook up with someone who wasn't.
We got physical very early in the relationship. And I think that's when he didn't take me seriously.
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Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6735
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 06:42 PM
Sending you a big  SunChild quote:
I had always imagined myself single for a while doing what i love to do.
We all go a little bit astray or get distracted from our paths sometimes, hon -- and we can all count ourselves lucky when our friends give us a loving nudge with the ol' elbow to help us remember what we really want and need "Alone" and "loneliness" are two very different things -- I've been raising my boy alone for 11 years, but although it would be wonderful to have a partner again, it's not necessary, and I wouldn't be seeking a partner to assuage my own loneliness because I'm not lonely. Yes, I miss having a special man in my life, to share the ups and downs, the wonder and the poignancy that is our lot in this physical life as human spirits. A partner would not "complete" me: I am already complete  No, the only reason I would invite a partner into my life would be because we enjoy each others' company and want to spend time together for that reason With love,
Zala IP: Logged |
ListensToTrees
Knowflake Posts: 4950
From: Infinity
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted May 25, 2008 06:46 PM
I know what you're going through, I really do. A lot of good advice here. And just in my opinion, this guy doesn't seem right for you. You deserve so much better than the way he has been treating you. Hang in there.
You are not alone. IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 4081
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 06:54 PM
Thankyou!I sent him a final text message: "Hi. I will just tell you what i wanted to say since we haven't talked. My feeling is that I want more than you are willing to give. And that is ok. You have been wonderful in some ways and I will always love that about you. I'm always here if you need a friend. Know that." He helped me a lot when I moved from my mums to this place of my own, he got me fridge, and essentials, he even gave up his warm doona for his bed so I wouldn't be cold at night.
So I want him to know I appreciate all the kindness. I feel so much better now! I spoke to my dad and he said the same things, my confidence is already up a notch! Love you's!!!  IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6735
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 06:57 PM
Wonderful!! 
Perhaps all that remains now is a final message telling him to come get his clothes and personal belongings You are on an exciting new path now!! Z IP: Logged |
MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3875
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted May 25, 2008 07:02 PM
YAY!!!!!!!!! Now you get to decorate 
http://www.thespiritualfengshui.com/feng-shui-design.php
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MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3875
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted May 25, 2008 07:10 PM
You should also find a group for socializing with other single mom's and families. I don't know if Australia has community action agencies, but if they do, call any of them and ask to be referred to anything that might be along those lines and then ask more questions until you find the perfect fit. It will help you in more ways than one... I have made many connections for future employment in my area, for example, and participated in many events with my daughter that helped us both to have a sense of community.
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NosiS
Moderator Posts: 1135
From: )
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 07:29 PM
That's what is so beautiful about Leos. What could be more of a blessing than to be ruled by the brilliant Sun?!?!  IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6735
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted May 25, 2008 07:32 PM
Hey NosiS, that was your eleventy-eleventh post -- cool!! You wouldn't happen to be a Leo now, wouldja?? IP: Logged | |
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