posted March 28, 2009 07:12 AM         

The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to.

Phase one: Attraction phase
An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.
An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.
Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.
Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.
The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Phase two: Anxious phase
This phase is considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. The relation can be severed here, resulting in a depressing time for the controlling party. If not severed by this time, psychological help will be required. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include. :

Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.
An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person.
The need to constantly be in contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.
Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.
The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.
Feeling the other partner doesn't and shouldn't need to contact, meet, bond and/or speak with others.
Violent reactions (verbal and physical) directed to the loved one and/or to oneself if the controlled person starts denying the obsessive demands.

Phase three: Obsessive phase
This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.
Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.
Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.
"Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where "he or she is supposed to be."
Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

Phase four: Destructive phase
This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:

Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).
A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.
Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises to "change".
The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love

The word, "obsess" (or "to be obsessed") is defined by Concise Oxford Dictionary as "preoccupy continually or to a troubling extent". Obsession can be for a person or thing or act. It is a psychological condition that in its extreme form needs medical attention. The person affected by an obsession desires the object of his obsession with enormous passion, ferocity and even madness. When the object of obsession is a person of opposite sex, there is a tendency to confuse the obsession with love. However, there is a fundamental difference between love and obsession.

Love is focused and centered on the needs of the beloved. Obsession, in contrast, is self-centered. The obsessed is always focused on his (or her) own desires and the object of obsession is incidental. Love treats the beloved as a human being and in extreme cases lovers treat love and beloved as divine. For the obsessed the centre of his attention is an object with no desires, no life independent of the intense desire that the obsessed has for the object. He (or she) is almost like a child who is mad for a toy and will take the toy with him (or her) to bed, to garden, and even to the toilet. But if one day the toy hurts the child, there is immediate rejection. The child is now looking for a new toy while the old one is thrown mercilessly into the dustbin.

Obsession is, unlike love, not just passionate; it is ferocious and cruel. The pathos of cruelty that an obsessed displays can be seen in an innocent form in the craving that a child has for a favorite toy. Take the favorite toy away and the child will cry for days and may even stop eating food. The child can be cruel to himself in such a situation. The same cruelty may turn outwards to the toy when the toy is no longer the favorite one. An adult, who expresses obsession in terms of erotic love, is even more dangerous. He (or she) may go to any extent to get the object of his (or her) desire and may even turn violent if the object is taken away. Intensity of such passion is destructive in case of any denial; the obsessed one either destroys oneself or destroys the object of obsession. Newspapers are full of stories of some young boy or girl committing suicide after being turned down. One also hears stories of some boy killing or throwing acid on the face of his girl friend after knowing that she is getting married to someone else.

Violence at denial is only one facet of obsession. The other facet of violence manifests when the obsessed gets hold of and becomes the owner of the object of his desire. No, they do not live happily thereafter. The relationship of the obsessed one with the object of obsession is not a relationship of caring. It is a relationship of power, a display of brutishness, a game of ego. The ownership has to be absolute, to the exclusion of everyone else, and the obsessed needs to demonstrate it every moment to get any pleasure from it. One is not concerned if this stifles or even hurts the object of obsession. Too bad, if it does. The case is typical of a child who sees a beautiful singing bird in the garden, gets hold of it and puts it in a glass jar besides his table, without any concern for the life of the bird. By the end of the day the bird is dead and the child is back in the garden looking for a fresh bird.

posted March 29, 2009 12:33 AM         

quote:

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Obsession is, unlike love, not just passionate; it is ferocious and cruel.

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It is "ferocious and cruel" for me, it's simply hell for me. But if I'm not obsessed, I know I'm not in love.

posted March 29, 2009 01:17 AM         

i guess people have natural inclination to be obssessive but sometimes environment and ones history can lead to this behavior too.

and many times when unhealthy patterns set in, and one person feels dissatisfied, many factors may blur the line between helathy concern and obssession. This OLW can be a nice checklist for every one to see if bad patterns are setting in

posted March 29, 2009 05:59 PM         

Obsession is extreme fixation and desire, and never does the waking world need to see it. Although it may take some practice, and perhaps a broken heart, what's felt inside and what is shown on the surface can be kept entirely seperate.

With the exception of one instance, when I was 14 years old, where I made my deepest feelings known (the only time I made myself so foolishly vulnerable), I've always bottled up every miserably obsessive desire.

I've had several long-term relationships where my deepest and most disturbing urges never surfaced. I'm happy to say that I'm still friends with these women, well after the relationship had ended.

Obsession hurts only me. ONLY ME!! It doesn't cause me to "project onto them", "hurt them", or "push them away", as others on this thread have claimed obsession to cause.

If it's a battle inside with personal demons, then inside it shall remain.

posted March 29, 2009 06:32 PM         

quote:

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I can't imagine how I would be "too busy waging a war against an internal demon" to notice that she is a human being

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first of all, I was not talking about you (had you taken my posts a bit personal) also, we may be talking about 2 different things here (you say: obsession (love) makes me...so to you obsession=love) if you read my 1st post you will see what exactly I mean by obsession - it is unhealthy jealousy and abusive, controlling behaviour which is often confused with passionate and intense love when it is not!

posted March 29, 2009 06:35 PM         

I think there are two different issues here.

what you are talking about is ones obssession which is never allowed to consciously surface in ones behavior. and the obession that peri is referring to is more manifest, where individual is no able to control his or her behavior and under extreme personal distress and helplessness starts to control the other person.

so i dont think we are talking about the same thing here.

the second issue is your statement that you never let it effect other people. Now the question is a) its your perception that it was under total control b) why it should even hurt you. so we at least agree that obsession hurts at least one party

posted March 29, 2009 07:14 PM         

I know you weren't talking about me personally, I was just using myself as an example of a person whose had very obsessive tendencies and managed to keep them internalized.

The only point I wanted to make was that obsession doesn't need to manifest into controlling, abusive, or generally negative behavior.

I read everything on this thread, but when the core of the issue (and the thread title) is Love OR Obsession, I just wanted to point out that sometimes Love IS Obsession, and there might be very beautiful results generated from very dark urges.

Emma_Duncan:

I am talking about the physical manifestation of obsession, and how it doesn't have to happen the way it's been described: with "controlling and abusive" behavior. Like you said, the psychological dynamics are the same, so I merely wanted to add to the conversation how obsession can exist without making a negative impact. I believe obsession can be a good thing if the energy can be channeled properly, which I've always strived to do.

And yes, obsession hurts me, so one person does feel the pain, but I've never known love without it and I'm happy to accept it as part of the process.

posted March 29, 2009 08:02 PM         

yep point taken. and i agree with you that many a times line is hard to draw. I am also not willing to accept an obsseisive person as a villian. and its not black and white. sometimes we fall into obssessive pattern cause we feel used and abused and wronged so we desperately try to protect ourselves by obsessive patterns.

posted April 02, 2009 08:04 AM         

What I'd love to know is whether the chemistry of the brain is to blame for an obsessive nature, or if it is simply down to thought patterns a person can learn to change.

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"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I realized there's this entire life behind things, and....this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there's no reason to be afraid, ever".

posted April 02, 2009 08:05 AM         

Is being "in love" with someone synonymous with obsession.....in some ways?

As opposed to pure, universal, unconditional love.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html

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"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I realized there's this entire life behind things, and....this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there's no reason to be afraid, ever".

posted April 02, 2009 09:10 AM         

Ok, you get the picture. I knew a thing or two about obsessive and unhealthy love growing up.

The main point is
if you keep it all in, it just poisons you and the relationship
and
usually it comes out somewhere unexpected when you are weak and not maintaining those nerves of steel and that superior control.

But you said something about you channeling properly up there. I'm more talking to my past. You accidentally pushed a button, I suppose. I'm not going to analyze it. I said what I was compelled to say. Have a great day and I hope my words don't upset you and hopefully they do some good for me or you or someone who is compelled to read this.