posted November 26, 2010 03:14 PM         

some friends suggested I join a dating site and I reluctantly did.

then I met the cancer guy. It was love at first sight. (I NEVER say stuff like that or claim to even believe in it) He was smitten with me and I him. I just didnt show it. I showed it enough but not nearly to the caliber that he was showing it. Stroking my face, hair....staring into my eyes. constantly saying "i cant believe this i cant believe this - i dont want to scare you away. im so sorry" (he was kissing me within the first 20 mins) He noticed that i had a bit of a wall up. I am used to a lot of male attention and 90% of the men who have rejected me were just like that at first. i was suspicious, natch. however, my gut told me this guy was sincere. he talked about only being in long term relationships and not being into one night stands or flings. he claims to never have had one. He asked me if i had been hurt and if that was why i was being a little standoffish. i was vague and told him "not recently". He agreed that it was ok and i was being normal. i was just overwhelmed!! He had our next date planned before we parted that evening. A trip to the museum that Wed followed by him cooking me dinner. (it was Friday) he had a hard time letting me go that night but i needed to walk home alone and regroup. i felt like i had met my soulmate. he told me to feel free to call him before wed since it was so far away. i giggled and told him, maybe, but not to be sad if i didnt. we were still on for Wed.

WOW. i was so excited about this guy but I didnt know if I could date someone who acted so needy. I decided it didnt matter since the attraction was so strong. it was about damn time i liked a guy who liked me too and wasnt someone i had to chase. i deserved it after 12 years of unsuccessful dating! the next morning he sent me a text saying he had a great time and sorry for the kissing so soon. "i dont want to scare you off" (again) I replied. "it was nice " and thats it. later that night i decided to go out of town to visit a friend who was feeling down. i texted him saying i was going out of town and wouldnt be able to get together before Wed but our date was still on. he said "ok cool. im looking forward to it!"

when i got back into down tues morning i texted him saying that i was back and my friends band was playing in our neighborhood that night and would he like to go...
he said" thats sounds great but i have to shoot a music video with my band possibly tonight but not sure. can i get back to you?" he never did. well. he did but after my friends band had already taken the stage. "im so sorry to get back to you so late. i was waiting on all the bandmates to get back to me. looks like were shooting the video tonight and tomorrow as well. this sucks i really want to see you." i was bummed our official museum date was cancelled but i told him i understood and not to worry - and to have a blast shooting the video! i was relieved he wasnt acting so needy anymore but a little part of me was concerned and kinda missed it? lol he didnt call or text all wed or thurs. i decided to text him thurs afternoon asking how the shoot went and if he wanted to get together this weekend. he said he would love to and needed to check his rehearsal schedule. ok. now it was getting weird. very excited and yes to hanging out but ambivalent as hell. i joked to him "haha now i feel like im the one scaring you off!" he said "no no no youre not scaring me at all. i actually want to see you pretty badly. what are u doing sat? - or actually, im also free tonight"

i told him tonight was ok but had some stuff to do so it wouldnt be til pretty late. he had work early the next day but didnt care. he suggested a movie at his place so i could meet his dog (who is like his kid) and also suggested a new bar we check out. i chose his place cause i was not in a bar mood at all. i had internet stalked him enough at this point to know he prob wasnt a serial killler. lol. i went over his place and we had a fun time with his dog who he kept saying "loved me". wine and a movie led to sex. mutual. he didnt come on to me nor vice versa. totally 50/50. i havent had sex in 3 years and i told him this. he also claimed to never have sex with anyone who wasnt his girlfriend. it was kinda out of character for the both of us! it was AMAZING though. he cuddled me like crazy before and after and fell asleep wrapped around me in a fetal position. morning came and he told me i should sleep in til as long as i wanted (i was off) i told him i wanted to take advantage of waking up early to get stuff done. he kissed me all over when we woke up and made me coffee. he was a liiiiiiitle nervous and distant but he was also rushing around getting ready for work. i got dressed and went to leave. i mentioned maybe hanging out saturday and he said he wasnt sure what he was doing and would let me know. i said lightheartedly "will you?" kinda in a we-just-had-sex-were-both-adults-admit-it-if -t his is it kinda tone. : ) he said "of course!" like i was silly for asking. we kissed goodbye and he mentioned the taste of my chapstick being yummy.

i didnt hear from him for 4 days. m friends told me to text him so i did. on our first date he told me that he wouldnt mind if i texted him goodmoring and goodnight everyday and nothing i could do could scare him. so i figured what the hell. i said "good morning!" then i said "We should go see (a movie we both wanted to see)! maybe this weekend? i also then asked where a photo lab in our neighborhood was that he once mentioned.

he didnt answer for 4 hours. he finally did and told me where the place was and his answer to me asking him to the movies was "that sounds cool. i want to see that for sure" i replied with a thanks! for telling me where the photo lab was but i didnt say anything else about the weekend. and neither did he.

im confused. i dont know if hes slowly trying to "fade" or if he is being a typical cancer.

did i "scare him off"? lol i cant see how i did. he was the clingy needy one. i was just going along with it!

posted November 26, 2010 09:00 PM         

The flip side of needy and desperate is rejecting and distant. When someone is all needy/over-the-top that early on, they're ALWAYS projecting their unmet wants and needs, no matter how wonderful you are. It's a red flag. He's probably either messed up, or a nice guy who is rebounding heavily. Or he might have some weird stuff going on that has nothing to do with romance--Cancer guys can get very bogged down by worries about life issues, and it can lead them to be very push-me/pull-you and full of mixed messages.

I think it's also a problem with dating sites--they're all about "I want Someone to fill the gap in my life!" The right guy will meet you while going about his independent life doing what he loves, and have the nerve and grace to determine whether you're available--in person, in real life--and ask you out. But lots of people disagree with me about the dating site thing.

You did not do anything wrong. Your gut told you he was sincere, because at the time he really was.

Honestly? You needed to get back on the horse (or the crab? sorry, ew), and end your sexual hiatus. It was an amazing experience, wonderful sex, romantic. Take it as a gift from the universe. Now you have an "I am back on the horse, sexually awake and alive" beautiful glow that will lure men in your direction. So don't waste any energy obsessing about the crab--the best thing to do at this point is to retreat, only contact him if he contacts you first, wait for him to initiate things, and be open to connecting with people in your everyday life. Their mixed signals often come from very mixed emotions, so only respond to clear signals.

posted November 28, 2010 05:27 PM         

thanks for the reply. i just have been rejected all my life. (never had a real bf) and joining this dating site was almost just for fun to get me out of my "rut" and show me that not every guy will reject me. it was nice to finally meet a guy who was upfront about what he wanted and no games(at first lol). i thought "finally! i deserve this and should cherish it!" we connected intellectually and physically in the most amazing way. i am still in shock. i keep thinking im dreaming. this is awful. i wish i had never met him. i was down before but not nearly as down as im feeling now. i love being alone and single. BUT i hate being alone and single and constantly rejected. theres a difference.