posted April 12, 2013 03:53 PM            

I am new here and am reaching out for clarity and support as I am pretty hurt and confused.

This situation is very complex between my Cancer and I, a Pisces. I will try to make this as short as possible and simplify it as much as I can, so thank you in advance for reading to the bottom.

We met 8 years ago - friends first, roommates, then in a deeply committed serious relationship 5 years ago. It was wrong timing for both of us for several reasons. We weren't as ready as we thought for a serious relationship, had major outside stress that would shake up any relationship, and we both had personal baggage of demons that reared it's ugly head. He was raised in a cult and sexually abused. Our baggage got between us causing us to act and react in ways that broke the trust and caused pain. Deeply in love, our relationship was intensely beautiful yet painful at times. We were deeply connected and had never felt as close to anyone as we had with one another. It was very in tuned, intimate, nurturing, affectionate, sharing, open, communicative, playful, and we were compatible on almost all levels. I was also very close to his family, especially his mom. Sadly, it was also chaotic and destructive due to the reasons above. Regardless of staying, we both felt we needed to heal separately and always felt we would come back together. However, something bigger then both of us from his end pulled him away.

Since our split 5 years ago, the following has happened: We have been living 4 1/2 hrs away from each other. A year of no contact, back and forth, push/pull situation up until now, anywhere from sporadic contact from him to 2-7 month phases of consistent contact. During no communication, calling me privately not speaking then hanging up and facebook stalking, He always contacts me on my Birthday and Valentines' Day until this year. At one point made a suggestion of wanting to drive 2 hours to see me, then stated he was feeling fear since he wears his heart on his sleeve with me and felt too vulnerable. He always comes back either way and even if we are not on speaking terms, I could sense his energy and he's with me every day. The love has always been there, made sure I know all the time and I've strongly felt it. At one point emails me asking if I'm with another man since he had been "preserving" me in his heart until a future date where he's stable enough to give to me. Then backtracks and says he only said that out of desperation as he felt I was slipping away.

During the 7 month period, it was as though we were in a long distance relationship - intimate, supportive, open, sharing fears goals and hopes, talking for hours almost daily as well as constant communication via emails and facebook, very protective of me and displaying jealousy in regards to other men. Then he says we are only friends and when threatened to cut it all off, he begs me to think about it. I thought I could handle it so I went with the flow. He begins to act more boyfriend-ish. Few months pass, I bring up the convo of where we're headed. Says he doesn't know what the future holds and doesn't want a relationship due to everything he's going through. Due to fear, I felt we should end the communication. He breaks down in tears deeply crying from his heart and says he remembers me, us and had hope. I question him no further and end communication.

The pattern starts - disappearing for a bit, acting out and indirectly displaying anger and hurt and trying to hurt me, when confronted on his behavior ignoring me, disappearing 3-5 months at a time, private calling me and not speaking, displaying indirect messages on facebook about his heart break and me being his love and or hints that later progress to emails and calls.

From Dec-May of last year - Constant contact via email from him sharing things he felt would interest me, as well as the improvements he was making. I finally drew a boundary and let him know if a future was in store for us, I would love to continue communicating via phone and eventually meeting in person. That he was welcome into my life if he was interested in getting back together, otherwise the communication and mixed messages needed to stop for good. Says he understood. A few weeks pass and he finds out my male friend and I would be in his town. Cancer is fully aware my friend desires a relationship and felt threatened by him no matter how much reassuring and reconfirming was offered to him of my romantic disinterest in my friend. The private calls start again that weekend while there. Come Monday, I receive an email stating "Lena, I hope You and Matt had a wonderful time here this weekend." The next day a private call with him holding back from crying then hangs up... 20 mins later emails saying all he needed to know was whether or not I was intimate with him. I replied a few days later stating it was of no ones concern, but for the record, we were only friends and nothing beyond that has taken place between us. I stated since he had left me to assume the doors are closed between us for good, I would not be holding back if someone came into my life that I mutually felt the same way for. I said I would always love him and wished him well. Said he understood and apologized for getting carried away with his emotions. A few weeks later emails me telling me he still loves me and will always love me, was sorry we ever hurt one another and he never intended for that. That he keeps his distance to avoid hurting me again and to avoid being hurt. That he's learning, growing and healing and thanked me for being an angel who showed him what love and life was about. I wished him well again. He then starts "liking" my fb statuses and indirectly posting on his facebook how much he misses me until I closed my account for the entire year.

Flash forward 2 months later, calls me privately. Admits all private calls had been him, that he wanted to hear my voice, gets scared and hangs up, and has a lot of growing up to do. Said he missed me, loves me still, I am one of the most important people in his life, am his family. Kept saying my name silently in awe as a lover would. Asks if I'd like him to call me once a week to "build trust and consistency" (we talk for 5 hours at a time lol). During the following 2 months, he was contending with lots of stress related to family problems, financially taking care of sister and mother, and doing nothing but working 2 jobs every day. Other then wanting to share a poem he had written of a picture he saw of me, something felt off. Due to work, he would forget to call at times and I would have to remind him or call myself. Always made time regardless working when I called. Fear and anxiety came up for me, and testing him, I suggested we end the communication as it wasn't going as planned. He says ok then calls me. Calms me down, reassures me he would have more availability for me once his second job ends soon so that we could built trust and consistency. When asked why we were building trust and such, he said it was to make peace and amends stating he always goes back and tries to do that if he's hurt anyone. When confronted with how he felt for me, said he didn't have feelings for me after beating around the bush. Stated he didn't want to get married and have kids (wanted to marry me and have kids in the past), that we're on different paths, that I wasn't the one, in a sad tone said I should just move on, he was content and at peace, saw himself alone 5-10 years from now. I was in tears. Towards the end of the conversation he breaks down heavily and says he'll always love me. He had to get back to work. We agreed I would call when I was ready to speak. Call him 2 weeks later. He replies with a text saying "We have nothing to talk about. You don't want a friendship. I don't want a relationship."

5 months later I receive a text from him -"Happy New Year, Lena" a minute after midnight. My reply the next day, "Why are you texting me after what you said in your last message 5 months ago." No reply. The private calls start about once a week. Opening and closing his facebook continue which he only has 2 friends on there - his male friend and I. I don't hear from him on my birthday only to come home after dinner and see he's opened his facebook account. 2 days later I get a private call from him which I finally pick up as I had stopped. Doesn't say anything then hangs up. I text him "Why are you doing this? If you are going to call me, speak. Otherwise stop." No reply.

Here is where this situation is right now. I will be in his very small town next week. There has been so much nonsense coming from his end. I still love him deeply and my intentions were to move this stagnant nonsense in a positive flowing direction whether or not we get back together. A lot has happened between us all this time and I feel we need to see each other face to face. We are both very passionate of music. One of our favorite bands that holds a lot of sentiment to both of us and our past will be in concert in his very small town - they haven't toured in 20 years. He had continued sending me their music on Valentines' Day every year - I guess as a reminder? I contacted him a few weeks ago, in a casual upbeat tone inviting him to see the concert with me. He avoids me a few days. I inform him I had bought 2 tickets - if he doesn't want to go I needed to know so I could invite someone else. He replies stating out of respect and not ignoring me he wanted to respond so I would have enough time to invite someone else. Thanked me for the invitation.

Haven't heard from him since other then opening closing facebook stalking and liking and unliking my post. No more private calls as of now.

I feel SO CONFUSED, rejected, and hurt. My intentions were pure. We have both attempted dating others only to have it remind us that the other person isn't him or me. Yet, he says he has no feelings or intentions of being together. I've never experienced this behavior from other men. What is this all about? Is he interested or not?

This is a much shorter version of all that's happened.

If anyone has any insight, please share them with me. Thank you so much!

posted April 14, 2013 01:37 PM            

I'm also a pisces that was in love with a cancer, that I couldn't/haven't gotten out of my life since I met him 6 years ago. Though my experience isn't as intense as what you've destined.

Just 6mo ago I wouldn't have been saying this but (based on my biased opinion) my advice is to let go. For years I knew "letting go" was best for me ...but just couldn't(I have a scorp moon).

So how did I start the process? I got angry with him. I looked at things objectively. I still love/care for him. But the bottom line is that it was so unhealthy for my mental stability. I can't imagine what its doing to you! He has control over you, and is mentally controlling you! Eventually it came down to me not wanting to be on his leash for future possibilites (that will never happen). You're cancer can't even be honest with you about his hopes and expectations between you. So how can you hang on when you don't know what your hanging on to? As a pisces we love selflessly and unconditionally. This pattern is self-distructive. We idolize who we love, and always forgive and believe in peoples good intentions, also self-destructive!

Look at the times with him I'm a objective state of mind. Read what you wrote as if it was youre best friend, and not you! What advice would you give? Take notice of the bad times, don't over look them! If your not happy in a relationship with someone at least 80/90% of the time, then there not right for you, no matter how much love there is between you! In some ways its sounds like an abusive partnership (not suprising given his past). But in abusive (even just emotionally abusive relationships) what we do is cease all co ntact! No facebook, no phone number, no friend connections, and relocate. Start fresh! Is also like to point out to you, you said the two of you were ALMOST compatiable in every way. Almost isn't good enough, lol.

Really! Need some motivation? Google happily married couples..like under "the one" see how the majority describe there relationship. Look at traditional wedding vows (im not even Christian..but) ..start believing that there's something better than that for you. You may look back and think that's the happiest person you've ever been with, but stop
comparing, and something better will come along. Something like what is described in those wedding vows, and from happy married couples. You'll find it once you let go of your past, I truly believe this.

I started to let go, get angry at the behavior the cancer I knew was displaying, I stopped hearing from him (agaian for the millionth time, no contact). I was ready to move on, and took action. Three months later, I found a pure, contended (not at all intense, yet desiring/warm) love ...and though I still care/love the cancer that was in my life ...I'd be 99% satisfied to never see him again (outside of an official goodbye that is).

Just open yourself up to new possibilies and great things will happen.

posted April 15, 2013 11:07 AM            

It's been 2 1/2 years and I'm still grieving for Cancer. I have come to accept that I will carry this man in my soul until the day I leave this earth.

Here's a link that talks more about my experience. It hasn't been updated. All you need to know is that it ended with a train wreck. http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/207594.html

posted April 17, 2013 11:51 PM            

I'm going to break it down it quotes as there is a lot mentioned...

"Just 6mo ago I wouldn't have been saying this but (based on my biased opinion) my advice is to let go. For years I knew "letting go" was best for me ...but just couldn't"

I haven't seen him in almost 5 years. During that time, we did not have any sort of contact for a year. Whether or not I cut it off and "start fresh" - it doesn't work. The bond is incredibly strong between us. Whether or not I try to push away thoughts of him, he's in my minf before I drift off to sleep and is there as soon as I awake. He's in my dreams, and is there with me no matter how "busy" I fill my life with. You said you Knew you had to let go. Logically, it doesn't make sense to hold on based on the things we've been through, however on a much more deeper intuitive level, it doesn't feel right at all to let go *for good* and this is contrary to what I've felt in past relationships where I knew I had to let go. The only way letting go would feel right intuitively, is so the pain will be left in the past for a fresh love to blossom between us.

"So how did I start the process? I got angry with him. I looked at things objectively. I still love/care for him. But the bottom line is that it was so unhealthy for my mental stability. I can't imagine what its doing to you! He has control over you, and is mentally controlling you!"

I've been angry with him and that hasn't helped either one of us. I know him well enough to say his intentions are not to control me.

"As a pisces we love selflessly and unconditionally. This pattern is self-destructive. We idolize who we love, and always forgive and believe in peoples good intentions, also self-destructive!"

I would have to disagree with this. There is so much more to the story than what I've written here. It would take pages and pages to fill. I do not idolize him. As far as forgiving him, that would be of my benefit. Life is very short and death can take place any moment. To hold a grudge is useless, yet at the same time I am very cautious of people's intentions and he is aware of that. I am also similar to him in many ways. When we were committed, my baggage from my past exploded and I directed it onto him. He knew the core of who I was and that all of that was just the baggage taking over me. He patiently stood by my side and I had put him through hell at the time. A lot of what he's projected onto me over the years has been a combination of his own demons as well as my actions scaring him away as it would scare any man away during those moments.

"Take notice of the bad times, don't over look them! If your not happy in a relationship with someone at least 80/90% of the time, then there not right for you, no matter how much love there is between you! In some ways its sounds like an abusive partnership (not suprising given his past). But in abusive (even just emotionally abusive relationships) what we do is cease all co ntact!"

I definitely don't overlook the bad times. My view of the relationship has been a clear healthy balance of what has taken place. We loved each other endlessly and everyone saw it. The "unhappiness" came from the immense amount of outside stresses that would make any couple unhappy, as well as our own inner demons we were contending with. It was wrong timing, we always felt this way. It was not an abusive partnership at all. We had our demons. Being the closest and most vulnerable with one another, we took it out on each other. However, we Both had an understanding that we needed to heal separately in order to give each other our best. Another thing I'd like to add is he is extremely sensitive and gentle at heart. If he has hurt me, he will cry deeply from his heart. Then he distances himself to "protect Me from Himself." I know this has been the reason of his distancing at times, however his actions presently don't make any sense.

"Just open yourself up to new possibilities and great things will happen."
I'm glad every thing has worked out for you in the direction you desire. I have opened myself up to different possibilities, unfortunately it backfires and causes extreme longing and pain for my Cancer man. We are connected soul to soul and no other experience compares. At times, I won't even be thinking about him, will be doing something else that demands my full intention. Then, he suddenly and vividly pops up into my mind.

posted April 18, 2013 12:27 AM            

I could see how a Pisces/Cancer relationship can be intense and emotional. I find nothing wrong with that as long as it's healthy. I personally know of 3 Pisces/Cancer marriages and and all make such a happy beautiful out of this world couples. For Cancer and I, the intense emotions came in because we were not only crazy about each other, but our past trauma and wrong timing.

Some people can simply play the field and move on. I am like you in the sense that it is incredibly painful to go out on dates. The pain and longing intensifies. Now, I don't understand why Cancer would hate you if he left you no option but to try to move on with someone new...? Big hug..my heart goes out to you!

During the past few years, I have done things that have pushed him away any time he had reappeared; would have pushed any man away. I was incredibly demanding, unreasonable, aggressive and suffocating at times. I did not exactly know any better and it was part of what I had to learn. But it took it's toll and he would run off.

In the midst of his push pull he had given me the following excuses at different times to why we weren't together:

-Distrusts us
-Distrusts me
-Distrusts himself
-Was afraid of getting too close then having it all taken away
-Didn't feel I accepted him at times
-Didn't want to hurt me and felt out of control within himself
-Financial insecurity
-Losing his father
-Fear of being like his father
-Didn't feel he was stable enough for relationship responsibility
-Lack of confidence
-Didn't feel strong enough to be the man he felt I need
-Fear

However, as of last summer he said he had no feelings anymore.

posted April 18, 2013 10:07 PM            

Again, I know I don't have the same connection that you do to your cancer. Though I have to admit though I'm happy in my life and current relationship ..I still probably think of my cancer everyday, often more than once a day (regaurdless I'm just committed to letting go ad best I can. Though I'm understanding this isn't a possibility for you).

And I know from one cancer to the next there will always be differences. But based on the cancer I know, he tends to say one thing and do the next. Or make affirimative statements and then changes them. Based on his mood. It's like they want to concience and force themselves to feel/believe certain things but they're ultimately untrue. In short; I believe he loves you and wants to be with you...but for whatever reason tries to avoid and deny this of himself. Perhaps he blames himself for some of the bad times between you? Or perhaps he carries some self-hate and struggles with feeling worthy of happiness. Perhaps he feels he pushed you to the brink at times and hurt you on so many psychological levels, he is afraid to follow back into that pattern. I don't think they intentionally do this, or intentionally minipulate people ...maybe its just that they can be overbearing or over protective and have a very hard time letting go.

I just wanted to explain myself better. But clearly the two of you will always be in each others life. Perhaps if you do build a tight friendship/relationship again you might consider seeing a family/couples-couselors. You both have suffered hard times together and could benefit work through past issues this way.

Also may want to read about soul mate connections and see how other people have cooed or over came their hard times. If you're still interested it trying to walk away you could specifically look at "cutting souls" ties. Some say these methods can make things worse..but I think if its something you both agree to and perform a ceremony together in this way it might work.

posted April 23, 2013 11:41 PM            

You said that your current Cancer says one thing and does the next; based on his moods. How do you find security in a relationship like that? And how do you know what's true and isn't if it constantly changes?

"Perhaps he blames himself for some of the bad times between you? Or perhaps he carries some self-hate and struggles with feeling worthy of happiness. Perhaps he feels he pushed you to the brink at times and hurt you on so many psychological levels, he is afraid to follow back into that pattern."

For years, he expressed how terrified he was of everything we went through, how much he hated what he brought to the table, how much he hated himself for the way he had hurt me. We were both to blame. I took responsibility for my part, yet did a number on him emotionally by blaming him as well. I know it has caused him deep sorrow to hurt the one he loved (don't know if he still loves me, but he did very deeply). I know it wasn't intentional, but his own issues spilling over the ones he loved the most, however what's taking place and has been taking place is what's hurting the most.

I am currently visiting the same town he lives in. It is a very small town, very romantic one as well. We could run into each other any moment. He politely turned down the invitation to our favorite event. I found out his friends and ex girlfriend had gone. He has refused to see me, yet oddly, I Have Caught Him Stalking Me On Facebook numerous amounts of times while I've been here! Reminder: It is only me and his male friend on his facebook. I catch him opening and closing his facebook. He'll stay on there longer if I've posted something, if not, he closes it right away. Why do this when I am literally 5 mins from him and he could SEE Me? Or perhaps he's checking to see my whereabouts so he could avoid being in the same place as me? Or waiting to hear when I've left so he could come out of hiding if he is.

I'm trying my best to enjoy being here with friends, but this is really driving me crazy!!

Also, I am not sure I could be friends with him. We started out as friends, but reversing to that after the intense love we shared feels impossible. Am I being reasonable by wanting a relationship when we haven't been together, seen each other in years and so much hurt has taken place inbetween? The only way I would be able to be friends with him is if it were to progress into a relationship once again. Yet, a lot of hope has been lost after he said I wasn't the one anymore, and we would never be together again.

posted May 16, 2013 11:00 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Violet Moon:
Dee, thank you so much!!! I will take read those threads.

JoJo, I read the remaining of your story. So heart breaking. Has Cancer contacted you ever since. Give us an update..

---

Thank you for asking. I haven't heard from him but I still feel him at random unexpected times. I'll be doing my own thing and Wham! I'm overwhelmed with gut wrenching pain that makes me want to double over. When the feeling comes from him, it's much different than when the feeling is mine. It hits harder and more suddenly, if that makes sense.