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Author
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Topic: cancer guy
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ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 04, 2013 05:01 PM
  
I need help figuring this one out.
Ive been with this cancer guy since jan. It started out amazing with us having soooo much in common andwe laughed a lot. Quickly fell in love. Now ive been married before, but its the first relationship for him. He is totly level headed n accepting of a lot, quiet at times, very loving but not very expressive. I am loud and super expressive n happy. We both admire each other. We began with the idea of marriage n dont plan on having sex till we tie the knot. We were mostly at first base like a coupla giggly teens.
Since april however he slowly started distancing. Now i can honestly say that the love wasnt any lesser, but the physical intimacy diminished. Its upset me a lot n i realised that the more i talk about it, the more he pulled away. Fine, so i dont talk about it, but that dint improve the situation either. The thing is he broke the news about us to his parents and his dad said no to the idea. I know thats not what brought on the distancing, but it did bring up questions in his head. N with getting extremely busy with work, and having to convince his parents about us and a whole lot going on in his head, he is completely getting further and further away. Again i can honestly say i think he does love me, but im beginning to wonder if it was love at all... he seems to be more n more uninterested in calling me n is keeping busy with work and just about anything else. He isnt sure of a marriage anymore, although he wants to. My thinking is that if u want to, then its only a matter of working towards making it happen. But he doesnt see it as simple as that. He seems to have no clarity n keeps saying he needs time. But he doesnt wanna lose me either.Im in a rut n got very depressed often. Finally as of last week i decided im cutting it off and havent spoken to him. After repeated calls he got me on chat n i made the mistake of replying. Now that he got me to respond, he has stopped calling or texting.My question is y is this guy so confuse? Does he really love me at all? Am i to wait till he gets!clarity? Whats in this cancer's head? IP: Logged |
ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 05, 2013 02:42 PM
I really would like some help from someone who knows cancer men... Maybe even got it right with a cancer guy.IP: Logged |
grayblue
Newflake Posts: 16
From: Orlando, FL, USA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted August 05, 2013 04:49 PM
I have a great friend who is a Cancer, and he is very much like that with his girlfriends. Actually, a bit the opposite. He starts relationships saying he doesn't want anything serious and then gets all into it head and soul. But when he catches himself doing that he retracts and breaks up just to suffer later. I don't understand why, I don't think he does either, but it is there. The big thing with Cancer, as far as I know, is home and family. So if he has to fight with his family to have you, he probably won't be with you. He wants to marry because all Cancers want a family of their own. But he can't leave his family for that either, understand?
Also, he likes to know you are there when he changes his mind. That is why he will call and check up on you, but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you right now.
I might be wrong, but unless you can talk his parents into accepting you into the family, you should just move on  Sorry. IP: Logged |
ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 09, 2013 03:16 PM
Thank you so very much. Its been getting on my nerves. But just as i was getting ok with moving away from him for good, which was very hard cos i loved him deeply, i ran into him at an ice cream place. Now i know he goes there too, so i planned it at a time when he absolutely shouldnt have been able to come. Just as i was paying up to leave he entered, stood by me while payingn once iwas done asked if i cud wait with him. Stupid stupid stupid me, against all my better judgement agreed. N even more stupid was that i took a seat where i practically cornerd myself n cudnt get up n leave. Sat there for half hr almost in the most discomfort ive ever felt, n he sat just looking at me n at times at the tv there. Slowly he asked "you are thaaat uncomfortable huh?" n i said yep. Then when he finished i pointed out that we must leave. We went outa the place n i wanted to tell him once more that its over, have a good life n all. He literallyran to his bike not allowing me to say it. I rann caughtup withhim n literally had to hold him while i climbed his bike so he cudnt get on it n drive away. Its verrrry difficult for me n i avoided all contact n seeing him even by chance cos i tend to melt when i see him. Finally got to say wat i wanted ngave him a hug n was aboout to leave n he asks me to wait. He had nothing to say, but just dint want to leave. Got to stand there saying nothing worthwhile for over half hour nfinally i gave him a quick kiss n ran to my car.
Next day he saw me on chat n i again repeated that i agree he likes me a looooootttt n even loves me, but thathe isnt INlove with me. N the sooner he gets that it will b easier, for me atleast. After i explained a whooolllle lot, he just says he needs time to think. I just told him "you do that, im leaving", cos he has said this already a few times before, n it doesnt seem like he is really thinking. But im certainly not hanging around to find out.
Im right, right? Its sooooo difficult, n im soooo depressed over having seen him n having to break off allover again. It just isnt fair.IP: Logged |
ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 09, 2013 03:35 PM
N yes typically cancer like, he is very attached to his family. But thats the thing i dont understand. Right at the start we discussed all these practical difficulties we will likely face. Nhe was strong n determined that it can b handled n he can convince his parents... Sooooo whats up with all that now. Thingis he thought his prents would be easier to handle than mine becos i very honestly put it down that while my parents will not disagree right away, he will be asked a million questions a hundred different ways and a number of times, n that he will have to go through that becos my parents obviously want good for me n nothing like my last marriage. I told him its not all bad considering im probably gonna be asked questions ten times more than him by my own parents. We anyways planned on marriage only in 2015, so i was in noooo hurry to open the topic with my parents. But i felt strongly that he shud tell his parents early cos i was sure they wouldnt be thrilled with their sweet boy getting into somthing with a divorcee, n being his first relationship he will need time convincing them. Funnily, my parents intuitively knew i like him n asked me n i spoke it out atleast as an initial introduction to them, n they apparently like him just fine. Irony!
Anyways i tried telling him that i knew his parents would say no at first,cos they dont know me n cant b sure of what kinda baggage i will carry from my previous marriage. Totally understandable. N i tried explaining that we had to tell them early cos they need time to know me n finally get their consent. N i thought from what he spoke before that we will go through this together, not go againt his parents, but try n convince them instead. I told him i have noooo intention of pulling him away or fighting with his parents who in all fairness will be looking out for their son. He looked like he understood wat i said... But at the end it doesnt matter now with allll his slow pulling away n reluctance at showing any affection.
I cant let myself keep getting hurt by the guy, right? Im doing the right thing right?IP: Logged |
poochycat
Knowflake Posts: 78
From:
Registered: Jun 2013
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posted August 09, 2013 07:14 PM
Hi airiesgirl,If you are indeed an airies, (fire you) and (cancer him water) require a lot of work based on your sun signs. Cancer men are very family oriented especially towards there mothers. You didn't mentioned your ages but cancer men often wait to marry until later in life. But it's that old adage "blood is thicker than water" with these guys so having a good relationship with the family is top priority. IP: Logged |
MetalAphrodite
Moderator Posts: 1236
From:
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 10, 2013 01:26 AM
What sign is his Venus in? This would help a lot to know because it would say a lot about how he handles his relationships. I have a Venus Cancer and though I can be headstrong about love and whatnot, my loved ones' input means a lot to me too. I feel their criticisms deeply, no matter how much I disagree with them. Guys also, I've noticed that they have the tendency to crawl inside their heads and not voice what it is they're thinking; when they do, it's easy to misconstrue and misapply what it is we think they are saying. If you want him to open up, I think it's important to represent yourself as a safe haven he can come to and rest at. He is unlikely to open up and confide in you all the drama he is experiencing when he is in a whirlwind of emotions. Will you be the eye of the storm VS being the calm before the storm? I'm slowly learning this lesson with my current boyfriend. I let my inner anxiety and insecurities question my belief in his love for me. Are you willing to believe in his love for you? Maybe he needs your support more than ever but doesn't know how to ask for it. Just some thoughts. IP: Logged |
ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 10, 2013 02:56 PM
Poochycat, thank you very much for your reply. We both just turned 31. He is the not close to mum, but super close to dad type. N i get that aries n cancer require a LOT of work, n i dont take it mildly. I have mellowed a lot and am not quite so abrupt or impulsive like the typical aries, thanx to a wealth of experiences...
Does it make a diff that i have cancer as moon? Not sure, but the internet says i do.IP: Logged |
ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 10, 2013 03:14 PM
MetalAphrodite, i will have to check his venus. And mine.When u said "let my inner anxiety and insecurities question my belief in his love for me.Are you willing to believe in his love for you? Maybe he needs your support more than ever but doesn't know how to ask for it. Just some thoughts."
That is what i worry about. In the last few months i did feel like i should love him no matter what cos my love is true n i have clarity, n i must wait for him to get that clarity he had back... But im beginning to wonder becos i only see him pull away subtly all the time, n it affects me deeper each time. I can wait remembering that he showed all signs of true love - openedup a lot moreto me than he ever has, made sure i was present at all important ocassions, infact he even invited me to his rowing competition at our city's boat club so that i cud meet his dad in a casual way (before he told his dad), met me evey night and spent hours talking, invited me home to show his living space and cuddled with me... They wre all signs of a very deep love... N he had me hooked.
N the slow distancing didnt exactly happen cos his dad asked him to think bout it more cos it might not be a good idea to getinvolved with a divorcee...which is a big deal where i live. N i will never blame his dad for that, cos he doesnt know me or about my previous marriage.His reaction in fact to his dad's opinion was the same, that he has to get to know me. He started sorta side stepping even before he told his dad. He just seemed sooooo in love that it overwhelmed him n he didntknow what to do with all that feeling. I, like an idiot, didnt realise that n wondered aloud about wat was happening... N slowly i begin to see i downward spiral of steady distancing interspersed with genuine tenderness n affection when he saw that its hurting me several times. Now THAT is confusing. Is it love or not, should i stay n fite for it or not waste time when he may just come back n say he does not want to get married? Im in a very vulnerable position right now. N when i talk to him bout it he just says he gets what im going through but he needs time to think about it. IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 31064
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted August 10, 2013 03:18 PM
Welcome!IP: Logged |
ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 10, 2013 03:26 PM
Thank you RandallIP: Logged |
Zander916
Knowflake Posts: 115
From:
Registered: Aug 2013
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posted August 12, 2013 02:54 AM
Well... (I'm male, Libra Asc, Leo Sun, Gem Moon)I'm not trying to be a big meanie with anything that you don't like to hear, just to warn you. I'm just giving you my honest opinion from a male point of view in hopes to save you some trouble.
There's two things that came to my mind right away. You've been together since January and are wanting to get married, correct?
That's not a lot of time. I know all the things that you two are feeling as I've been there a few times. LOL
It's a really REALLY big decision. He might just flat out be scared and distancing himself, not knowing what to do with the situation.
There's that funny saying you may have heard, "Women can fake an orgasm but men can fake an entire relationship."
Unfortunately, some of us can! Or at least aspects of it. Some are malicious with their intent, or others make the mistake that I've made when I was younger. Simply agreeing and telling her anything she wants to hear. I'm not AT ALL saying he's not into you or not in love with you. He likely does see you as his lifetime girl. But realizing the seriousness of what he's getting into and not knowing how to back out of it.
Let me put it this way, I'm... well older. 
I've been married, been divorced, been in some relationships and engaged, then split up.
Even now... if I said I'd marry a woman and then decided it was all coming way too fast. I could probably gently get the message across to her without too much damage, now that I've gained some wisdom. But even not that long ago it would be REAL tricky. I mean, how do you tell somebody that you love, that you don't know if you want to get married and just want to continue? In all likelihood, and with good reason, the receiver of that information will feel hurt and fear that the relationship is soon to go up in shambles. Causing flared up emotions, insecurity, etc. when in fact, they may just be trying to say, "Hey I'd just like to wait but I love you and you're the one for me."
It may not make sense, but just trust me on this! LOL
That's one, very real POSSIBILITY. That's one feeling that I get about the situation.
As someone else said, if his family is objecting, that's huge. Not only for being Cancer but just in general. If my family were to object now, it probably wouldn't stop me, but it certainly would weigh on me very very heavily. Another thing that came to mind. You are waiting until marriage to have sex. Very admirable.  But is he a virgin?
If so that is another very fearful thing many times. Maybe he's not this way but I know that personally I put a LOT of weight on my shoulders and VERY high expectations of my performance then. Heck, sometimes even now! But if you've never done that, there's no reference to go from, not even from yourself. It's a nerve racking experience for a guy. Exciting, scary, all kinds of things.
If he's not a virgin, well maybe no issue then. But even if he's just been with one other it still can be a big deal. That's just my perspective on what may be going on. What do you do?
There's been some great advice. I think the key is, don't show desire to have him. Only show desire to be a part of his life. Just be there and be supportive. Don't push things at all. Care, but back the romance off.
Someone who is somewhat of a confidant.  Trust me. Just do that and his love will start bubbling up to the surface again.
Unless something ELSE is at play here aside from just getting spooked.
IP: Logged |
ariesgirl
Newflake Posts: 9
From: chennai, tamilnadu, india
Registered: Jul 2013
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posted August 12, 2013 05:32 PM
I mean, how do you tell somebody that you love, that you don't know if you want to get married and just want to continue? In all likelihood, and with good reason, the receiver of that information will feel hurt and fear that the relationship is soon to go up in shambles. Causing flared up emotions, insecurity, etc. when in fact, they may just be trying to say, "Hey I'd just like to wait but I love you and you're the one for me."
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Hey Zander916, that was a very thoughtful reply you gave me, n i thank you.
As for the above, yes its difficult to tell a person that u love him/her but lets not rush on the marriage idea n see where things go. However, my situation is slightly off from that. I do get that 7months can seem quite early. He did propose the idea of marriage real soon n truthfully after my divorce in 2011 i wasnt even ready for a relationship yet. Yes there was an attraction, not physical though, it was more like we were very similar in a lot of wat we thought of life n how we handle things n think. From an outward look we were poles apart n that seemed a good thing too, cos with the core being so similar it seemed perfect that our approach was radically different n we both admired that about each other. N we both listened to each other's point of view on how to go about things, n it was wonderful that we both didnt just blindly agree but put forth our opinions n came to an agreement. Neither of us felt judged or overruled or dominant.
N it just headed in the direction where with each day i was convinced i wanted to marry this guy n have children. N i can admit easily that this is the only relationship that i actually thought through and took a step at a time. I had even decided against having babies up until now, not that i hate te idea, but cos i didnt find anyone worthwhile enough to bring a baby into the world with. He got me even thinking of our unborn babies. After slowly allowing myself to get in deeper n deeper n talking out the pros n cons as may be from all my past experience, it was a blow to see him side stepping n backing off. Im not a living in clouds dreamer, atleast ive grown up from that, n i took the time to talk about everything n decide, including his parents not accepting me. N after discussing everything in every possible way, he goes backing off, n that is difficult to experience.
I am completely alright with not bringing the marriage card into play right away n just love each other as we do n see where it goes. Buttttt, thaaats not what he said. Hefirst said that he isnt sure of marriage. Ok. So i asked him if he loves me enough to marry me at some future date, n told him to keep in mind that its ok if we dont get married at all through our lives. Cos for me marriage really is juust a society approved agreement, he was the one talking about 'have to'. I explained right in the beginning that two people can live each other deeply n meet everyday like we do n still not get married. The cancer boy though insisted on marriage n babies. So noooowww when he says that he isnt sure of marriage nwhether he loves me enough for that, its really a slap on the face, isnt it?
Even yesterday he happened to see me outside a shop and came up and we sat in the car talking for a bit. I told him its not a good idea for me to be constantly feeling rejected n unwanted cos he went bout distancing himself every minute of everyday we met n sounded quite bored n irritated about having to spend time with me. Now im reeeaaaallllyyyy not looking to hold anyone, i would rather let him go if he keeps making it seem like im a pain in his arse. I dont need to be made to feel that way. So i explained in the most composed way that it wasnt right. While i can wait n be with him n support him, backing up on the romance bit, its a little difficult to do even that n be a friend when he reacts constantly like i have him in my clutches n he is frantically trying to get away. N i went through quite an emotional rollercoaster which seemed to dip lower n lower with few upward movements for more than a month now. So i can let him go n its time he lets me go as well. He doesnt agree and says i should make a more calm n not so drastic decision. He keeps asking y things have to be so black n white for me, there is soooo much grey inbetween. I said im ok with grey as far as i know my position in it. Im i my early 30s and while that is young it isnt young enough to still be unsure of a relationshipn where its headed. Like i said i dont mind if marriage is never going to happen n we r going to just remain steadies. But im not willing to invest time n effort in a relationship where i have no ground to stand on. It just seems like a bad imbalance where i will love n be there when he needs, n he can come n go as he pleases. N thats not right or a responsible thing to do even in a basic friendship. He says he doesnt do it wantedly, its just a mess in his head. I tell him i can see te mess in his head but the fact is that a relationship does not involve only him, its two people and as much as i can adjust n support him its difficult if he shows absolutely no care to my feelings as a human being, let alone as a friend or gf. Yesterday he even seemed almost completely unaware n unable to see that he has been pulling away like i have some contagious n irritable rash, he says he didnt mean to. I just told him that i might love him enough to not blame him for that cos i know he would never intentionally hurt me, but being an adult has responsibilities beyond wat u do or dont intend, there r always consequences.As for the physical thing, yes he is virgin, by choice, not that he hasnt had plenty opportunity. He follows a faith that says that u must conserve the sexual urges for a time when u r maaried to a person u love n that u must have sex only with love as the basis n not just physical satisfaction. I understand that n respect it n im not waiting to jump into bed, though he n i do have a good physical attraction to.
As for fear of performance, i dont think that part has even entered his mind yet, since we were planning on marriage only in 2015, n he doesnt masturbate. He doesnt even think that way until it needs to happen. If that works for him im fine with it.
Just as information he was planning on marriage at the end of this year when i told him we need time n should give the getting to know each othr plenty room. Its just waaaaay too much now n i cant help him or just hang around as a friend while he constantly seems like he wabnts to run away. He says sweet loving things n holds me when i get thru to him that he is hurting me, n then again goes back to the pulling away. I just told him today that we should just leave each other n if he has clarity about us anytime in the future he can contact me... Actually i said "dont be chicken look me up n find out if i still love u" IP: Logged | |
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