posted March 21, 2017 01:34 PM            

I got married in October of 2015. It was really hard, at first, to swallow that I was marrying someone other than this soulmate of mine. During the months leading up to the wedding I was excited and in love, but there was always a nagging guilty feeling. The same guilty feeling I'd had when he found out I was engaged or that I felt when he witnessed any physical affection between us. Even a simple kiss would have him leaving the room and me wanting to chase after him apologizing.

I'll never forget the look on his face the day he found out I was engaged. It was so full of anguish. He would hardly look at me. He congratulated my then fiance and left immediately.

Do keep in mind he was in his own relationship. And this was our game, never single at the same time, but completely possessive of each other and loyal to nobody above the other. Even our significant others had to deal with this. So why continue the game and not just be together? That is the million dollar question presented by every mutual friend we have. But still the game continued.

I changed that by getting married. I closed the possibility of my relationship ending, which he had hinted a few times that he was waiting for me to do. And in less than 2 months he had purchased a ring and asked his girlfriend to marry him.

I saw him twice after that. Once while he was at my brother's, who happens to be his bestfriend and was his best man, where I congratulated him on his engagement. His response was to stare at me like I'd just spoken Latin to him and then a very quiet thank you. This was before my divorce.

The second time was a few months later. After I had left my husband and he had moved back home. My soulmate was working the gates for the beer garden for a weekly local event of music and vendors. I was in line with friends waiting to gain entry when I heard his voice up ahead. My heart was immediately pounding and I felt frozen. Apparently I was visibly distraught because one of my friends (my male bestie of 20+ years) asked what my problem was. And then he heard my soulmate, too. I hate being pitied and I saw it all over his face. It was all I needed to walk right up there and hold my composure in front of this beautiful man. Or so I thought As soon as we locked eyes I was done for. I even still tried to hold out my ID like he needed to check it lol instead, he asked what he always asked, "Where's your husband?" I replied I didn't have one of those anymore. He was giving everyone bracelets for the beer garden and after I said that, he took my hand in both of his and ran his thumb back and forth across the back of my hand and down my ring finger before dropping it like I'd burned him. I had to remind him I needed a bracelet.

That was last August. He got married in September. After that encounter he had gone to my brother and told him that I needed to stay away until after he was married. My brother asked if he really wanted to marry who he was marrying if I made him feel like this. He replied that he had to. The day of his wedding, my brother brought it up again. Asked why he was doing it if we had something so strong. Again, he said he had to. Keep in mind, these conversations with my brother were unbeknownst to me until very recently.

Fast foward again to Mid February. A friend wanted to go out, she took me to the bar he works at, not knowing who he was or that there was a chance he'd be there. When I saw him I felt my heart explode. A million emotions, ideas, memories all flooded all at once. I was rooted where I stood. My friend started to ask if there was something wrong when she noticed him staring at me like he'd seen a ghost. I almost turned and fled. But we stayed. And he sent me for a loop. Again. "Where's your husband?" I reminded him once again that I no longer have one, which he grinned ear to ear at. *swoon* that smile, though. He proceeded to set my soul on fire the rest of the evening. Flirting relentlessly like he only does with me. No matter what he was doing, always standing so he could keep me in his peripherals, if not full on watching me. After a few drinks I told him I thought he only got married because I was. He never denied it, only said it wasn't a nice thing to say. The night ended with a hug I never wanted to end and a couple kisses on my face.

Come March. The night before my birthday. Almost exactly a month since the night my friend and I had gone in. I went alone this time. To assess how he acted. He looked tired and stressed out. But when he saw me walk in, once again that smile took over. His whole demeanor changed instantly. We talked and laughed and were just... us. Him not resisting his urge to touch me (this is something we both have a VERY hard time with) and me, well, I have never been able to resist this man in almost 18 years of knowing him. He walked me out when I left and when he gave me a hug he took a deep breath in and sighed into my neck. I said his name. I know I did because he heard it and pulled away so he could look at me. And this time, instead of telling him what I thought, I asked him why he got married.

He told me because she had dealt with enough of his bs that she deserved it. I told him that was true, but not an answer to my question. He said she was a good woman and I agreed, which I think kinda shocked him, but once again I told him it wasnt an answer to my question. I asked it again. He finally gave me the real answer "I don't know Katie, maybe because I'm almost 40 and I was tired of not being married. A guy can't wait forever and it's been almost 8 years." To which I responded by pointing at myself. "You were already married! What was I supposed to do?" The look on his face was more than I could bare. Hurt, betrayal, resignation. I don't think I have ever seen him look so hurt since the day he found out I was engaged. I apologized, kissed him, and I left. I don't know if he knows that I was apologizing for getting married.

It has been almost exactly a week since. And during that week I have come to wonder what the heck I am doing. I have been convincing myself for years that I can live without him, and in all honesty, I'm not sure I can. And now, he's married. With kids that aren't his and to a woman he can't even tell me he loves.

If he was happy, I could find peace, because that is truly what I want for him is his happiness. This isn't the picture he paints for me, though. Especially knowing that the first time they split she used his love for her then baby of a daughter to get him back in her life. Multiple times they split and every time she begged him back because that little girl "missed her daddy". During one of these splits he even told me that the only thing he missed was the little one...so what happens when the little is no longer little? Time will tell.

In the meanwhile, I sit here with the realization that if I had ever just been available for him, he would have been mine. But never would he have interfered in my relationship when he thought I was happy.

posted March 22, 2017 12:13 PM            

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Originally posted by Randall:
Thanks for sharing that. I have no advice. Love has everything to do with it.

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Honestly, I think it may be more of a shared lesson than something that needs advice.

The lesson? If you want something, make yourself available for that thing to happen to you. Don't treat it like something that will never happen. Strive and thrive for it. Don't be afraid to end something to follow your heart.

Eta: I'm not sure that love has anything to do with it anymore. He settled for an obligation. Although, I suppose at the time he felt he had no other choice as being alone is not something he wants.

I dreamt that he would try to stop my wedding a few days before it. Obviously, that didn't happen, but I wonder if he had similar feelings near/on his wedding day. According to my brother he was a mess that week and until it was done and the papers were signed my brother wasn't sure if he was going to do it. Even asked if he wanted to see me one more time beforehand and like stated above, asked if he really wanted to do this.. Seeing me one more time, I doubt would have helped matters in the way I wanted. Changing his mind isnt something he does easily and seeing as how he already had it set that he was doing this, it may have done more harm than good. Like, making him resent me

posted March 24, 2017 03:34 PM            

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Originally posted by Randall:
It's sad.

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I'd be lying if I said I was okay right now.

I can't really wrap my head or heart around any of this. Everywhere I go all I have is memories of him and it kills me a little more every time one of them hits me.

I've tried moving on and being happy, it works for a litle while. But "fake it til you make it" doesn't really work in matters of the heart. Every time I think I'm doing okay without him, he turns up and my world is upside down again from a touch or a look, or in this instance, an admission.

posted March 27, 2017 04:16 PM            

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Originally posted by Randall:
Time heals.

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Does it really, though?

I've found that time just gives you other things to deal with, but if you take the time to consider the past hurt, it's still just as painful. Maybe that's my own doing and I just haven't allowed myself to heal from some things.

I'm not sure I can let go and say goodbye to this person. And that probably has to happen to heal. But people always say, if you love something/someone set it free, but Ive already done that and he keeps coming back.

posted March 29, 2017 12:31 PM            

However, if you haven't ever been in a real relationship, maybe what's happening is you feel all of these things with him, and there's never really been a chance for things to get "ruined" - as in, the normal drudgery of day-to-day life never set in and so these feelings are almost preserved as "perfect" even though there is the distance and separation between you and your lifestyles. Think about how great you feel after seeing someone you miss after not seeing them for a while. If you saw that person every single day, and went through the ups and downs of normal life, you might start to take that person for granted.

I bring this up because it reminds me a little bit of what my girlfriend went through. She met a man while on a short trip abroad and for those few days she said, like you mentioned, her soul was on fire. She went home feeling like she left her "soulmate" behind and though they didn't maintain communication (she was in a relationship at the time), she still reflected back on their time spent together with fondness, especially when things weren't going well with her partner.

I told her it was probably because she has that memory of him frozen in time as "perfect" because nothing was allowed to ruin it. Who knows what the daily grind would have meant for their relationship if they had a chance to be together.

I'm also a firm believer that soulmates can present themselves in any form and can very well be a male figure that could potentially be confused for a viable romantic partner. I have already met who I believe to be somewhat of a soulmate of my own and we DID give our relationship a chance but it ended up being very platonic. It was a connection I can't quite describe other than to say it was instant, easy, warm, caring...but not romantic. Our "relationship" was more of an intensely caring friendship and so we parted amicably and still remained friends. I eventually stopped communicating with him though out of respect for my other partners, but he was/is never far from my mind.

I hold a special place for him because what we had WAS special and it honestly is hard not to want to compare how he made me feel to the way my current relationships make me feel, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing...it's almost a blessing to have experienced what I thought was love in its purest form, and it just happened to be through this man.

The one thing you have to remember is there is a REASON you are not with this man in a romantic relationship. It's not a question of you or he doing anything wrong or your timing being off or anything of that nature. Those obstacles were put in your way for a reason. I wholeheartedly believe there is a plan for us all and everyone is brought across our path to teach us something.

posted March 30, 2017 06:29 AM            

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Originally posted by margym0o:
So...have you ever actually been together in a real relationship? Sorry if I missed that detail somewhere, and if you parted ways but wish you could reconcile that's a different story...

However, if you haven't ever been in a real relationship, maybe what's happening is you feel all of these things with him, and there's never really been a chance for things to get "ruined" - as in, the normal drudgery of day-to-day life never set in and so these feelings are almost preserved as "perfect" even though there is the distance and separation between you and your lifestyles. Think about how great you feel after seeing someone you miss after not seeing them for a while. If you saw that person every single day, and went through the ups and downs of normal life, you might start to take that person for granted.

I bring this up because it reminds me a little bit of what my girlfriend went through. She met a man while on a short trip abroad and for those few days she said, like you mentioned, her soul was on fire. She went home feeling like she left her "soulmate" behind and though they didn't maintain communication (she was in a relationship at the time), she still reflected back on their time spent together with fondness, especially when things weren't going well with her partner.

I told her it was probably because she has that memory of him frozen in time as "perfect" because nothing was allowed to ruin it. Who knows what the daily grind would have meant for their relationship if they had a chance to be together.

I'm also a firm believer that soulmates can present themselves in any form and can very well be a male figure that could potentially be confused for a viable romantic partner. I have already met who I believe to be somewhat of a soulmate of my own and we DID give our relationship a chance but it ended up being very platonic. It was a connection I can't quite describe other than to say it was instant, easy, warm, caring...but not romantic. Our "relationship" was more of an intensely caring friendship and so we parted amicably and still remained friends. I eventually stopped communicating with him though out of respect for my other partners, but he was/is never far from my mind.

I hold a special place for him because what we had WAS special and it honestly is hard not to want to compare how he made me feel to the way my current relationships make me feel, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing...it's almost a blessing to have experienced what I thought was love in its purest form, and it just happened to be through this man.

The one thing you have to remember is there is a REASON you are not with this man in a romantic relationship. It's not a question of you or he doing anything wrong or your timing being off or anything of that nature. Those obstacles were put in your way for a reason. I wholeheartedly believe there is a plan for us all and everyone is brought across our path to teach us something.

If we can be brought together with another person under extraordinary circumstances (as was the case with my situation) then we can certainly be kept apart from another person as well.

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Yes, we were in a relationship. It definitely wasn't perfect, but it was the most loved and understood I have ever felt. He was, without a doubt, my bestfriend. We could talk about anything or nothing at all and be content.

This man (Chris) begged me to be his. Literally got on his knees and begged me. There was no need for it, but I will never forget it. He told me he'd been denying his feelings until then, but that he couldn't anymore. The confession wasn't to sleep with me. He could have done that without "the L word" and he knew it. But he didnt just want to sleep with me. He wanted me for his and it wasn't something he was used to wanting. Until me, he was happy being a player. Hence the self denial.

Our relationshop ended because I made a terrible decision. I hurt him deeply. Unintentionally, but that made it no less heartbreaking for him and he, in turn, lashed out. We didn't talk for months. And when I finally saw him again, this woman was in his life.

I met her randomly one night when my brother demanded I come to his house. He wouldn't tell me why, just said that I needed to be there immediately. My brother has always been one of the biggest advocates for this relationship to happen. His sister and his bestfriend who obviously have some out of this world connection? To him it was a perfect match. So much so that when this man brought his new girlfriend to my brother's, my brother called me over to throw a monkey wrench in it. It nearly worked after Chris introduced her to me as his "friend" while I was planted firmly on his lap. Yeah...she hates me It's funny because I really have no ill will toward her or dislike for her except that she manipulated his emotions to get what she wanted.

They have broken up multiple times and every time he comes back to me. Not for sex, but for our connection. For someone who understands him and loves him with no judgement or question. He knows where he belongs as well as I do. But he loves her youngest daughter. He needed redemption for the failed relationship he had with his biological daughter and this little girl could give him this. I don't think anything he has ever said to me has hurt more than when he was talking about their then current break up and told me that the only thing he missed was her daughter and when I didn't respond followed up with, "Why don't you have a baby?" I couldn't give him what he needed. I've never been told by a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I can't have children. Something that was crucial to him.

So yes, I have had him and I have had him at his best and worst and yes, I want him back. With all of my soul I want him back.

posted March 30, 2017 06:46 AM            

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Originally posted by Mystic Melody:
What they have is not a real marriage. It is a service to her that he leave her to find the person who is meant to be her true mate. He is not being honest and true to her. If he had been consistently honest about his feelings for you to the woman she wouldn't have married him. I think you need to continue being open and honest with him about your love.

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I feel like I'm beating a dead horse at this point, but I can't give up. If something were to happen to him and I hadn't done everything I could to make this situation right, I would hate myself.

I agree, if he had been honest, she wouldn't have married him. If I had been honest, my husband never would have married me. I even got advice from people here at LL stating that if I felt this way, I needed to let my husband-to-be go. You may have even been one of them, MM. Hind sight is 20/20 and I can say that I see just how much I was deceiving myself after the fact, but I also thought he was gone to me. I was just trying to survive without him.

posted March 30, 2017 09:43 AM            

It is a heartbreaking story...but, if you both feel so strongly about each other to the point where you both KNOW without a doubt that you should be together, then why can't he leave his wife? I mean, it sounds harsh, but people these days dissolve their marriages for the silliest of reasons...this to me at least seems like a VERY compelling reason to leave someone - if you are undoubtedly in love with another person. Is he not able to see the reasoning behind that? I understand he feels indebted and obligated to make his current marriage work, but it would quite literally be a case of "short term pain for long term gain."

posted April 01, 2017 11:10 PM            

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Originally posted by margym0o:
Oh I see. Then forget everything I said

It is a heartbreaking story...but, if you both feel so strongly about each other to the point where you both KNOW without a doubt that you should be together, then why can't he leave his wife? I mean, it sounds harsh, but people these days dissolve their marriages for the silliest of reasons...this to me at least seems like a VERY compelling reason to leave someone - if you are undoubtedly in love with another person. Is he not able to see the reasoning behind that? I understand he feels indebted and obligated to make his current marriage work, but it would quite literally be a case of "short term pain for long term gain."

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This is what I want to happen, but I am torn morally. How would I feel if I were in her shoes and there was some woman planning the demise of my marriage? However, if I were her I never would have married him in the first place knowing what I know about their relationship.

But yes, you are right. It's a better reason than a lot of people use.

quote:

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You obviously can't continue to pine over him the way that you are if there will be no hope of reconciliation, so it seems pretty black and white to me - you have an honest conversation and tell him almost "now or never" since you are finally free to be together (at much cost to him of course), or he commits to the life he has chosen for himself and so do you, and you begin the process of healing and moving forward. To keep you in limbo must be agony and it's not fair.

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I don't know how I am supposed to have this conversation with him as he isn't "allowed" to do anything besides go to work without her. I may have to write him a letter to get my message across. Which isn't really what I want, but if it's the only way, it is what it is. What would be ideal is if he left her without any coercion from me. I highly doubt that will happen due to his attachment to the little girl and his feelings of obligation. Changing his mind about things that he has committed himself to isn't a task for the faint of heart. But yes, this situation is agonizing and I wish for nothing more than it to be resolved.

posted April 02, 2017 04:39 AM            

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Originally posted by Mystic Melody:
It is Venus Rx right now, until April 15thish. Then the shadow period for a while longer. People are re-thinking what they want in love relationships but you aren't supposed to "start" anything, less it get reversed. I guess it is good if he thinks about you now, but not good for your first meeting until mid-April. But that is just a best-guess with little to no information other than what your heart is saying to me. But the heart is the Truth. I believe the true meaning of life is to follow your Heart.

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I'm well aware of the Venus RX, he runs through my mind more than normal during these times. It's usually my first indication that the Venus RX is coming/here as I don't monitor transits closely, although I probably should since I do have an exact birth time. Thoughts of him are my Venus RX barometer

Our meeting in March was during her slowing shadow period, but well before she went RX.. that night was magical. The night before my birthday was about a week into her RX period and it was...different. We were us, but he was much more melancholy, I was nervous. I'm never nervous with him. It wasn't awkward because it can't be. We have both been laid bare before the other in all ways possible so awkwardness is gone, but my nerves were on edge as soon as I saw him. He looked frazzled when I first saw him, he was happy to see me once he noticed me, but I could still see it in him throughout the night when he was dealing with his other patrons. It's not uncommon for his mood to rub off on me. I'm guessing this was the nerves I was feeling.

I already made the decision to not go back for a while. I think it might be best after the confession I dragged out of him to let him think about what he said and if he really means it. Like I told margy, even if I do see him, I might save the request that he leave his wife for a letter. Besides, having it in writing, he can't doubt my sincerity, although I can't imagine he would anyway. The man knows I'm crazy about him.

posted April 02, 2017 08:17 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
Yeah, it really does. It's like a wound that scars. One day, the scar fades somewhat, and though you can still see it, the memory of the pain blurs.

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posted April 02, 2017 10:43 PM            

LionFish, these of your quotes were most poignant to me (italics were added by me and not in your original post):

quote:

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Originally posted by LionFish:
Yes, we were in a relationship.
This man (Chris) begged me to be his. Literally got on his knees and begged me. ... He wanted me for his and it wasn't something he was used to wanting. Until me, he was happy being a player. Hence the self denial.
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... the only thing he missed was her daughter and when I didn't respond followed up with, "Why don't you have a baby?" I couldn't give him what he needed. I've never been told by a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I can't have children. Something that was crucial to him.

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I like what you say about lessons.

Yes, grieve the loss. Ask for forgiveness, receive it and forgive yourself. Trust your instincts and let go of self-hate. Discover that you are already most loved for everything you are. And like you experienced it before, you will again. He may have been a promise (or glimpse) of what is to come – of what is capable of coming into your life, for real. You set him free. Now you BE FREE.

** From Linda Goodman, "Love Signs": Pisces woman/Leo man **

“Both the Lion and the Fish need emotional (not necessarily geographical) freedom – great, fresh scoops of it. The more of this treasured gift they give generously to each other, the closer they’ll come together. But freedom must always be accompanied by both trust and faithfulness – or it becomes merely escape on one and terrible torture on the other. A search ‘round the globe never fails to end where it began, for the world itself is round. LOVE travels in a circle too, if it’s true love … which is, after all, the only kind you really miss when it goes away … and promises to return. “.