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Author Topic:   Having some issues with my guy.... could use some advice
Lalafortunaea
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posted August 08, 2019 04:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lalafortunaea     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I love my boyfriend more than anything. He's mostly good to me, he cares for me deeply, he's even trying, and making efforts to be sweeter, kinder, more affectionate.

Some backstory about him is that he was raised to be a soldier. His military training started early. While other teens were doing whatever it is they were doing, he was going through rigorous training, and eventually was responsible for the life and safety of others.

So, with that, he's got some... small difficulties showing certain types of love and affection, which I really crave.

His go-to response for a lot of issues is military-esque almost. It's just how he was raised.

Lately I've found myself feeling disappointed, and I've found myself looking to the way some others behave, and how they have qualities I wish my boyfriend had. Sometimes, dare I say, I even think of breaking up, because sometimes I can feel so unloved. But when I am feeling less emotional, I know it isn't true. He does love me.

I know that this is not fair for me to long for him to be a way he is not, and I know it's not fair for me to think of leaving when I get frustrated. I also have my own issues, too, so, there's that. No one is perfect.

I can imagine how I would feel if he thought the things that I thought. I think he can "feel" my... dissatisfaction, my unhappiness, and even though he doesn't totally show it, and just gets stoic, I know it is hurtful to him to feel this coming from me.

It really isn't fair of me. We both are trying our best. I can imagine how inadequate it makes him feel, to sense that I'm unhappy like this.

I do love him, and even if when I am upset, or anxious, I think of going, it's not an actual plan. I want to stay with him, and whatever happens, I want it to include him, but I also know I need to change my approach, and mindset about the whole thing, otherwise I'll just continue being unhappy, dissatisfied.


Does anyone have any advice, or, a perspective change, something that could help my situation?

I appreciate the assistance. <3

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Ayelet
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posted August 08, 2019 08:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ayelet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Maybe you could go to a counselor that can help "teaching" him how to demonstrate his affection and love more openly. He was taught successfully how to be a soldier. Maybe he can study how to show his feelings with you. Since those feelings are there, and since he does want you to be happy, and does try his best, he might be willing to go to counseling and make the effort, for your sake.

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Randall
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posted August 09, 2019 02:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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Randall
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posted August 10, 2019 05:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Good advice.

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Lalafortunaea
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posted August 12, 2019 07:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lalafortunaea     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yes, thank you for the advice... sorry for the late reply. This issue has been kind of depressing me. I hope this works...

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Randall
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posted August 13, 2019 06:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Let us know how it turns out.

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Randall
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posted August 25, 2019 05:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Update?

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Randall
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posted September 12, 2019 01:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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Randall
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posted November 01, 2019 05:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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AriesLilith
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posted January 04, 2020 02:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AriesLilith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi Lalafortunaea, the problem you have is similar to my situation. My husband is unable to be more emotionally expressive and sensitive, which caused a lot of hurt and I've always felt a void.

He has issues that blocks him from acknowledging his emotional side, which makes him unable to deal with emotions. This caused lack of emotional bond which I need.

It's not you being unfair, it's a need and everyone has needs. And yet by feeling guilty we might force ourselves to adapt to them and feel worse.
We hope the other to change but the one who changes is us. In order to repress our needs to make things work.

But this is not healthyas well.

I can tell you that in my case, I also realized that I started a relationship with him because I was used to lack of sensitivitt during childhood, and then all the society expectations of accepting men being insensitive and women should be more understanding that for so long I couldn't see as clear.
After starting therapy I have been more accepting of my own needs. It's not my responsibility to unblock my husband's issue even if I can support him, just as my needs are valid and it's not my responsibility to adapt whileignoring my needs.
He is also on therapy, and only time can tell. But if we grow apart, I think that each of us deserve yto be happy even if separatedly.

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Randall
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posted January 05, 2020 12:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks, Aries.

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Mystic~Melody
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posted January 09, 2020 02:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystic~Melody     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You almost said it in your initial post. He needs a plan of action. Give him the plan. "Honey, I love you deeply and admire your toughness and strength because it is different than my own qualities. As a softer and more emotional person I really need to hear soft sweet words and have more cuddles and hugs. Will you start calling me "sweetie" and "honey" and "my little snuggley wuggley cuddle bear" a few times a week or more when you are feeling your love for me? (lol) because it will make me SOOOOO happy."
Then let him practice that and let him know how happy it makes you every time it happens. When that is a regular occurrence, make your next request. If he doesn't remember to keep doing first one, just make that same request again just as sweetly and warmly. If you love him, have patience and believe he will do his best for you. If he loves you, he will do his best for you.

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