Posts: 930
From: Down the Rabbit Hole
Registered: Jun 2009

posted November 22, 2010 07:59 PM         

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Copyright © 2010

Would that this storm had never woke within
scorching, raging like a wild thing driven
by crackling flame or piece of kindling lit
when hot Desire's fuel is doused on it.

I'd rip such cruel affliction from my chest;
A messy task but one that would be best
For else my love would threaten to submerge
us in such depths from which we'd not emerge.

Time has not condensed these true affections;
as I contemplate on your perfections,
do know that even the approach of Death
won't stop me loving you with my last breath.

My soul's ablaze with such sweet misery--
and all that is enflamed, I offer thee.

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Posts: 3843
From: Still out looking for Schr�dinger's cat.........& LEXIGRAMMING... is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 22, 2010 09:59 PM         

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BEAUTIFUL! Soulfully heart wrenching.

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Posts: 930
From: Down the Rabbit Hole
Registered: Jun 2009

posted November 22, 2010 11:37 PM         

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Thank you LEXX. I'm glad you like it.

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Posts: 987
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 23, 2010 08:07 AM         

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"a wild thing driven" great line

I don't like the word "doused" there... with the word fuel... it is creative but it makes the thought pause. In my mind and I think most people's minds you douse a flame, with water or "douse the lights!" and the deep meaning of it is to extinguish, so that causes turmoil in the reader over what you mean, at least it did me, which would be a great device if used properly but here it just takes the drive out of the wild thing driven... for me. I got caught up in wondering what you meant and lost the rhythm. I would work on that line. Keep the fire starting imagery... I think even "poured" would be a better word but I'm all about the flow and melody and rhythm of the words in poetry. You might not mind tripping up the reader if it suits your message.
The second stanza second line is weak. You started this fire in the chest in the first one and now the image is someone ripping the fire from his/her chest, which is an awesome image but then the next line is "a messy task but one that would be best" which weakens the image but then you could use that too... creating a sense of ambivalence over wanting to rid oneself of the affliction... but then you would want to hint at that with your words further down too, or hint that you'd given up extinguishing it. Which is obvious since it remains until death...
I don't know, this has fun imagery that could be played with. I'm not a full rhyme rhymer in my poetry, I just use it as a device so I don't know if you can get more stanzas out. No matter what, it is an excellent idea and nicely done. I would let it sit and then go back to it later and see what else is raging there. This could be amazing!! Did this come to you all at once or did you get it in bursts of images and ideas?

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Posts: 930
From: Down the Rabbit Hole
Registered: Jun 2009

posted November 23, 2010 10:49 AM         

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Very good suggestions Mel!

It came all at once. Admittedly, I was trying to write this in iambic pentameter (and failed), so didn't pay as careful attention to word choice as I should have. I will go back and make sure I am using continuity of thought, which in the end is more important than rhythm...although I still want the tempo to flow a certain way.

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Posts: 987
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 23, 2010 10:18 PM         

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Well, thank you for considering the suggestions. I thought since you asked me to check it out I should offer more than, "Good Job!" but I also didn't want to offend you. I know my work is like my baby and I bristle at suggestions to change it. lol But a few times... (a very FEW mind you) I have looked back and seen the wisdom in a suggestion and at least used it in later works, if not the original creation that was critiqued. I hope I got your mind working anyway toward infinite possibilities. ♥ I also hope to enjoy more of your work here in the future!

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