posted December 02, 2003 06:55 AM         

Have spent some time wondering WHY i must experience the suicides of others so close to me (3) -- Mebbe has something to do with Uranus in 8th? I do feel that because this has been brought so close to home with me that it has been to MAKE SURE to teach me that i MUST NOT do the same. OK already, i got the message!!!

posted December 02, 2003 11:28 AM         

Suicide is a heavy, heavy cross to bear. 3 is an ungodly amount. So many questions without answers. I don't suppose your soul will ever forget what it feels like for the ones left behind. A hard lesson though.

I noticed the comment about your father. I think I have a badly aspected Saturn too.
Oppose my Sun, Merc., Venus, Jupiter, Neptune. Square my Pluto. I don't think things will ever work out with my father. I don't think I will ever want it too.

Keep on breathing Niki. There is a rhyme and a reason for everything. And someday we will know.

posted December 02, 2003 12:49 PM         

Since it's all your will...there is no bad and for that I am grateful.

Thank you Lord.

posted December 02, 2003 06:22 PM         

Yeah, ic those father issues you got too. I got that same Sun-Saturn opposition with the Nodes there too, Sun NN in 4th.

Heh -- i'm keeping on keeping on, even if just at half mast -- Now i have health issues worrying me and i not a very good patient. I've been lucky hardly ever even having a cold. Anyway ---

Daf -- I do appreciate the sentiment -- i had much more optimism in my twenties thirties and forties myself. The layers of junk have done some harm to my happy Sun-Jupiter Conjunction. Tho i still on the lookout for that ole girl!!

Truly i do have problem with accepting that i CHOSE this?? LOL -- I sure do have enough water to feel it all tho. Anyway --

And HAHA -- 2003 is a 9 year for me too. So much is gone now. Guess it leaves more room for the good stuff to come in -- (i keep telling myself that as i sit here in solitary confinement).

posted December 03, 2003 12:25 PM         

Thank the Lord it's a way of living...it's a return to the source of everything that I have ever been given. Thanks be and praise to the Almighty for this chance to dance. Thanks and praise to our Creator for mercy, love, compassion and wisdom.

This isn't idealistic, youth-induced nonsense, love. This is the skip-to-muh-lo0 that the Path will do to you too..if you find the Path that can do what it do..to you!

The "world" of ECOnomics, DISRESPECTonomics, GO-TO-HECKonomics, cannot oppress, repress or depress you once you reach this place.

And this seeker is only just hitting second gear, love...so many more to go. Onward and upward.

Abandoned by my mother at age four! Thank you Lord for the perspective to appreciate the love that fills my life today! Horribly abused by her alcoholic parents! Thank you Lord for memories that make each day since then a joy and a wonder! Thank you for the abuse! Thank you for the days that have filled my life since then! Thank you for the orphanage and the string of foster homes! Thanks for instilling an appreciation for my own family bonds, for the people that surround me on the city bus and their smiles!

Drug addicted for 22 years! Thank you Lord for the chance to know the joy of sobriety! Thank you Lord for returning this mind to sanity! Thank you for showing me that I can do anything for as long as I never give up! Not even if it takes 22 years! Thank you for showing me the strength that I never knew was there! Thank you! Oh thank you Lord!!

The house was wiped out by a flood three years ago and we lost everything! Yeehaw Thank you Lord! Thank you for showing me the worthlessness of material pursuits. Thank you for teaching me the nature of DIRT and the nature of LIGHT! Thanks for teaching me what really matters in this life! The car was stolen a few months ago and we can't afford another one! Good riddance to that brick with wheels and another monthly insurance headache! Lost my job...got bills to pay! Thank you God for the time to find you and praise you and know you and love you! Thanks for the tests and the trials and the tribulations! Thank you thank you. Got 4 beautiful kids and 6 mouths to feed and barely enough to feed them! Thank you Lord! Thank you thank you for giving me just enough to keep their bellies full! A wife who is daily growing away from me for lack of money! Thank you Lord for testing the ties that bind this clan together. Thank you Lord for this chance to live and learn and love and grow. Thank you for this chance to be and to glorify your name. To be your eyes and your ears and your instrument of appreciation! Thank you Lord. Thank you so much for everything that you have given me, the loss and the gain, the joy and the pain! Thank you sweet Lord for showing us all, one day at a time, what it means to be ALIVE! I love you..give me another 35 years and I'll love you 35 times more than I do today! No matter what may come or go, no matter the gain or pain! This was never my life to begin with..it was always yours Lord, thanks for lending it to me! All glory to God! Love and light to you niki..there is a way.

posted December 03, 2003 08:26 PM         

I am coming back from he11 once again myself -- knowing that life will probably give me more he11 -- I have always been the "strong" one -- i sure am getting lessons in humility that i didn't even think i needed -- uh, i was wrong. One's perspective DOES change with the years. Didn't even think my faith COULD be shaken, but it has been and it's a miracle that i decided to even try to try -- thaaaat's right. I just can't give up like so many around me have.

The cumulative effect has knocked me in the dirt for some time now -- death, divorce and destitution. He he -- I still have a wealth of brains cells left and am being my own health advocate - lol - doc even thanked me for researching my own problem and asking for specific testing. I have now become much more sympathetic to those with health problems -- i think before i mighta been a little "superior" thinking they were just being "weak." Slap me a couple times on that one.

My family is gone -- tho i did find i have TWO female friends i never even suspected. Seems THEY are my family now. Amazing how understanding, acceptance and generosity of spirit AND cash came to me when i needed it the most in my entire life. I was always the independent one who never needed any help. Guess there's a lesson there too.

Anyway, i KNOW how u Libra's love to "argue" a point. You couldn't know how sad i felt when u mentioned abandonment by Mother. That's one of the things i DID HAVE -- prolly the relationship that encouraged me the most, when all else was against me.

Mebbe it would surprise you to know that i pray for the whole world, along with the single prayer that the angels will help to locate that "guy" for my lonely friend.

posted December 03, 2003 11:30 PM         

One look at my chart would let you know that not only do I believe that you pray for the entire world, but that I am right beside you, praying with you when you do. I'm a twelfth house child with a Cancer Moon and a Libran Sun.

The pain is subsiding and I just cannot dwell in it and on it anymore. I am grateful for each and every lesson, each and every day. The only pain I feel these days is for those that walk around with their eyes shut to the beauty that is being alive! What a MIRACLE! How foolish are we to waste it being miserable and making each other miserable?! We should be throwing a party! We're ALIVE!!!

Love..is what I got..for you..

posted December 05, 2003 07:18 AM         

I got all the Aries planets that are just READY for confrontation!! Believe me, I have had to fight much more than i ever wanted to. Here i was this sweet lil Pisces girl who just wanted to be friends with everyone -- AND THEN -- well, life came along with test after test. Yeah, i know i not the only one like that. This is one of my biggest sorrows. Other people's pain.

Years ago, i read in Reader's Digest -- "Patience is the greatest prayer." Well, it struck me like lighning!! Since i didn't have much and this is a quality i needed to work on -- I MAY (lol) have developed some, but gosh, i still sure can lose it in a hurry.

What i have noticed astrologically-wise is that we really are born with qualities that we will need during our journey. I needed to fight for my right to party (lmao) and my breathing space, so Aries. I needed to control my outbursts, so Scorp Asc. The base of me with stellium in Pisces in 4th must live!!

Actually, i am mostly happy with the way i am -- much self-acceptance. As the years progress, i am just more and more of a hermit- tho many times even in the past, peeps have worked really hard to get me "out." I didn't ever feel much need for it. I entertain myself really easily - i'm curious about everything, have had much study time (7's abound) -- of course, i study a seed breaking the ground and am in amazement at the wonder of nature and God. Cause THIS is free!! I feed the birds in the winter and just yesterday i'm just standing at the door in delight as i counted 6 different kinds of birds. I have learned to take such joy in "simple" things -- they don't cost a thing and i'm just as happy as if i had good sense -- hehe

Tink -- is your Sun and all that (lol) in Scorpio? ahem

I have been concerned for you as i know the loss of Mother -- well, no words can cure. I have read that a woman does not mature until she has lost Mom -- Since it has been since 1987 for me -- i personally there is some truth to the thought. We always know we have the unconditional backup from her, even if we don't "use" it. But, when it is no longer there (in human form at least), one's attitudes must shift. I found that i became quite "pent up" -- feeling i had no one to talk with that understood me at all. Truly, i am still pent up -- BUT, with the new friendships forming with the 2 women mentioned, finally i don't feel quite so alone. Tho i have always talked with Mom -- I wear some of her clothes still (yep, they were classic and good ones)and feel close to her. I wore a pair of her 50s Rhinestone earrings at my wedding. Too bad she wasn't there, as she surely woulda talked me out of a big mistake. Oh well -- that's all done with now anyhow. I'm thinking i'm really not the marrying kind --

Daf -- in another thread i opened about Scorp Asc Descriptions, i posted a ? to you -- guess u missed it. Would like your take on the interceptions i have -- 12th & 1st Scorp, 6th and 7th Taurus. I also have Leo/Aq axis intercepted in 9 and 3, Pluto in Leo Rx.

I do love to study some astrology!! Been doing it since i was 16, starting off with Linda's Sun Signs. Was hooked!! Used to do charts for others (got rave reviews -- blush, blush) and had a REAL problem charging, so eventually just stopped. My Mother was somewhat pixilated with me, as i wanted to go "down" and she wanted me to charge more!! (capricorn that she was -- lol). I have, tho, done many charts for free since then, but it is often almost impossible to be objective about yaself. BTW Daf --

posted December 07, 2003 08:30 PM         

Yep ~ sun, merc., venus, neptune and jupiter all in Scorpio. It's made for some interesting times. I've always thought that Old Man Saturn opposing everything has contained it though. Put the brakes on so to speak. He's a hard taskmaster sometimes. He won't let me have all that power until I've earned it.

May I applaud your restraint in not pummeling that man with the foolish comment. He will learn too someday. I hope it will not be too painful.

I've gone in and out of hermit phases too. I'm a reader and a natural born loner so I learned early on how to entertain myself. I've found that I'm better for my hermit time once I come out of it. Looking back I see that it prepared me for something that was waiting for me outside my "hermit cave".

"patience is the greatest prayer" Boy, isn't that one worth remembering!

posted December 09, 2003 12:25 AM         

Am curious about your Asc and what degrees and house/s your Scorpio planets, and Moon. LOL -- So what does your chart look like?

posted December 13, 2003 01:34 PM         

Were you one of the folks that requested a chart? Seem that there were two others...and I went completely ADD a week and a half ago.

Seems I remember your chart stats from somewhere.

daf