posted January 03, 2008 02:38 PM         

Around the time of her passing I started to become more spiritual. I would also like to say that I am in the process of opening my mind to new things. I was beginning to question all the things I have been told since I was born and began to see things in a whole new light. One of the things I became fascinated with was the spirit world. I wanted so badly to connect with her after she died and even now, I want her to communicate with me somehow.

Not long after she passed I had a dream where I was holding her decomposing body. I was horrified when I awoke. I chalked it up to the fact that I was constantly thinking about her and also thinking about death and in my dream state my subconscious came up with that.

Months later I had a dream where she was sitting in a chair and I vaguely remember my family walking around the room but I was sitting down by her legs and my upper body was sprawled out over her arm (her hands were as silky and wrinkled as I remembered). I was crying hysterically over her. I do remember that in this dream she still suffered from dementia and I was extremely upset that she was still "sick". I woke up the next morning feeling depressed.

About a week or so ago I had a dream about a demon trying to attack me in my sleep. In my dream I was consciously thinking that perhaps I was suffering from sleep paralysis. When the demon started to try and claw at me I then decided that it was in fact not sleep paralysis but an actual demon and so I kept repeating Jesus over and over in my head to protect me and the thing quickly went away. I do feel the need to let you all know that I have been reading about demons and sleep paralysis so I pretty much think that portion of the dream had to do with me reading about that. Also, at the time, I began to doubt my faith in Jesus. I was even more frightened by this dream than my first dream of my grandma. I slept with the cross that was in her coffin (for the wake) on my nightstand so that she and God can protect me while I sleep. I became so horried that I quickly grabbed it and fell asleep clutching it. I then proceeded to dream about her and my grandfather and I knew that like my other dream, that my grandma was still suffering from demenita which extremely bothered me. Her face was also distorted.

I guess I just want to understand why, when I do dream of her, she is still afflicited with the disease and how she is never how I truly remember her (ie - she is either decomposing or her face is distorted). These dreams are irksome to me. So, is it just my subconscious or is something else going on?

I want to thank everyone who read this and to anyone who writes in with their feedback. I truly appreciate it.

posted January 03, 2008 03:05 PM         

First, there is a forum titled "Astral Realms" ~ dedicated to dreams, so you may get more responses there.

Second, what you have experienced is very similar to my experiences after my father's death 17 1/2 years ago.

I think your dreams and experiences are normal, because it is very raw and fresh that the experience happened. I, too, had dreams that my Dad was still sick for a long time, I had dreams of him still alive buried in his coffin, dreams of him visiting, etc. I think it takes us a while to process the death, and one way we do this is through our dreams.

posted January 06, 2008 08:01 PM         

Bunnies, I am going to take your advice and try speaking with her. I just have to find the right moment where I can speak privately. Thank you so much. One day I hope she comes to me in a dream andthis time it will be just as I remember her when she was well.

posted January 12, 2008 12:37 PM         

It is you who is holding on and are deeply troubled over your loss.Mymother died of ALS 10 yrs ago and I have had mixed dreams of her deteriorating and others where we just hang out and her voice, and habits are all the same! They have nothing to do with her but with my grieving her loss or my own personal issues just coming to play in dream world.

Many many years ago I had demon dreams clawing at me and realize that there really is no demon involved! Nearly all dreams are projections of aspects of ourselves. At the time I had these dreams I was going through depression and was angry at myself. Esentially this demon was "me" attacking myself ( realize this sounds strange but our human psychology is really complex.) At the time I was catholic and cried out to God to help me with no luck. I was tortured by this demon on several nights. One night finally (years later) I cried out in prayer for help and a strange peace came over me. I said to myself -imagine the pain that this being must be in for it to attack me in such a horrendous way. I felt total compassion to the core of my being and then I said "I love you" poof it was gone. It was really me!
I now realize that I had a chemical imbalance going on and was in need of antidepressants. I'm not saying this is your issue, but it may be worth talking to a therapist if this is a continuing issue.

I strongly feel you need to honor your grandmother in some way especially in a creative way. Art Heals. Maybe try making a memory board using old photos or photcopies, bring flowers to the cemetary, plant a rose bush, write a letter. sing a song, celebrate her in some way telling her what she meant to you. Then think of how her life enriched your life and how you can now carry on her life by enriching someone elses life or by pursuing something that is important to you. When someone dies we think they leave a little hole in our life but if we look again they really leave a little of their light inside of us filled with memories, teachings, and love. focus on that and heal your own pain and you will find that the bad dreams start to lessen and go away and the good dreams take over