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Author
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Topic: Deepest Soul Fear
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lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted June 15, 2011 06:32 PM
  
I have experienced these moments of an inexplicable clarity but emptiness since I was a little girl. I would feel infinitely alone, and like everyone around me was not real, somehow, there was only I, everywhere, except for it did not feel wonderful at all. It was awful. The most awful anything. The thought of discussing this with my parents didn't even cross my mind; there were no words with which to do it.
Now, I do not frequently experience that. i do not know if it is because my mind works around it, or because I have incorporated it into me, or because I do not allow my mind to witness such deep horrors anymore, but I do know that it is still there. I guess I know it is there, but I do not allow the feeling of it to overcome me. Lately, what I find my deepest fear to be(when I find myself contemplating my soul)is discrepancies in the universe. Breaks in symmetry.
And when I stop to think about the universe, I realize that breaks in symmetry are infinitely impossible. Yet I still fear it. And i wonder why I do, when I know the truth. Yet when I live my life with the knowledge of this, I FEEL that there is a clash between this and my everyday life, which makes no sense to me, and brings on fear. I guess, how does this society which makes no sense to me fit in with a universe that wants to make perfect sense?IP: Logged |
Lei_Kuei
Moderator Posts: 425
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 15, 2011 07:33 PM
Indeed, good sci-fi & horror writers often wrestled with such personal thoughts and turned them into a good story  Some Philp K Dick or HP Lovecraft should be of significant interest to you  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_K._Dick
http://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/texts/
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“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”
Philip K. Dick IP: Logged |
abcd efg
Knowflake Posts: 1118
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011
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posted June 16, 2011 12:22 PM
quote:
Originally posted by lalitree:
I have experienced these moments of an inexplicable clarity but emptiness since I was a little girl. I would feel infinitely alone, and like everyone around me was not real, somehow, there was only I, everywhere, except for it did not feel wonderful at all. .........
Can you be more explicit on 'inexplicable clarity' and 'there was only I everywhere' please? IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted June 16, 2011 12:56 PM
Lei--I actually love to find interesting books to read and have heard of Lovecraft and have meant to read some of his stuff for a long time, but for some reason or another have not come across it. which of these books would you recommend me most right now?abc--I am sorry I actually don't think I can be any better at explaining this. Words escape me as it is....I think that if I tried to say any more it would just sound like something else anyway. But I will try to describe imagery that thinking of such a moment conjures up.... let's see...one time, I was probably about four to six years old, walking with my parents in a place that was very crowded (I grew up in Los Angeles)All of a sudden, I just felt it (or didn't feel)this eternal emptiness and when I think of the feeling I think of all colors being in fact nothing but gray, and all the movement of people around me was meaningless. Their movements were not alive--just like--robotic I guess you would say. I didn't know the words for it back then but I guess I can say now that my consciousness was the only 'thing' that truly filled the universe, and my consciousness had found no meaning in even all of these lifeforms. (I am kind of discovering this as I write)It was a deep sense of eternal failure--eternal loneliness and inability to be not alone, even with so many people in existence. I felt at these moments like I had peeked behind a curtain that the deepest part of me had not wanted me to pull back. IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted June 16, 2011 01:06 PM
ok, I thought about your question abc--and I realized that I could say what I mean is it was the most Real experience I have ever had. I was just too afraid to admit that to myself.IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 14741
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 19, 2011 02:32 AM
You should use it and create.  IP: Logged |
abcd efg
Knowflake Posts: 1118
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011
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posted June 19, 2011 07:26 AM
Do you realise lalitree you have experienced a state of consciousness that yogis spend years to reach?  Btw there is an interesting story regarding this - All pervading Consciousness- loneliness which you might know already. It is said that GOD felt all alone and needed someone to interact with. So he created 'prakriti' i.e. duality. He wanted someone to appreciate his creation so he made Man (Human). Now tell me what do you intend to create and play with? I am very glad for you. We need to celebrate this. Chocolates, sweets.  OK. Here's a flying kiss for you.  IP: Logged |
abcd efg
Knowflake Posts: 1118
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011
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posted June 19, 2011 07:43 AM
Perhaps you are feeling awful or lonely (my two cents, i am nobody to tell u this, but since i realised that you were not feeling good about it i am writing it) because you are young and facing it since you were little. Too small to understand and share with ppl who wouldnt relate to or understand. I think you should get in touch with enlightened persons. Try and fill yourself with love. Because what i feel is this state can be reached by other means too (past life) and that could have left you feeling empty and lonely? Could be that devotional path doesnt bring this feeling there. This is again my opinion. Could be incorrect. I want to see what others who have some knowledge on this have to say here.IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted June 23, 2011 08:06 PM
thank you abc. You know, I have felt many kinds of 'Oneness' states, and I am sad to say that this particular sort was the one that went deepest. Because I have also felt the kind where I feel that every movement is meaningful and connected to every other and it is joyful and eternally beautiful. But those feelings of 'loneliness' were just something beyond. Something I never wanted to see, something I am sure to my core that no one would actually Want to get to. But--upon reflection, the possibilities this discovery opens up are endless! If there is only I--then what do I ever have to be ashamed about? I try to keep that attitude open but something else comes in, which is the "duality" mind, which tries to keep me believing that the "other" is real, probably because it is so so infinitely scared of facing that emptiness...I guess it's all in figuring out what makes me "me" as opposed to "you" who is just as much "I". It's all an endless amazing mystery. And to be confined to this society just makes no sense to me/I whatever. Perhaps, (and I think I'm having a breakthrough here)perhaps the horrible empty feeling came along because of the falseness that those crowds of people together constituted. They were all denying their true self, the group mind was killing their true life force? IP: Logged |
abcd efg
Knowflake Posts: 1118
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011
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posted June 24, 2011 10:15 AM
I can understand you and connect to you on this thing, so much. Even in 'normal' day to day life i feel the same at times. When a bunch of ppl (too materialistic, selfish, non-loving) are around. Otherwise I am quite OK by myself. In joy and connected. They bring terrible loneliness,sadness, insecurity and emptiness. Your plane is totally different though.IP: Logged |
maira
Knowflake Posts: 899
From:
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 27, 2011 06:06 AM
Oh my. Hi fellow traveler!
I have experienced this three days ago, and here is someone who is trying to put it into words. I usually write it out, my experiences, but this... it was like I was indeed god, and I was left wondering if god was this lonely. I don't want to ramble since it's so hard to explain, just know that you are not alone.IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted June 27, 2011 02:01 PM
Maira, isn't it all a paradox indeed?"You are not alone" 
IP: Logged |
maira
Knowflake Posts: 899
From:
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 27, 2011 04:33 PM
Yeap, I was thinking this as I was writing yesterday I also went through various stages, I felt the oneness, the joy, then the collective pain and now this. The nothingness. IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted June 28, 2011 11:50 AM
I was thinking this morning, because, how can I say, I've never really felt like I've 'left' those moments, you know? I was thinking, that it is the loneliness that is being felt because not many people accept their nature as God, for some reason...and God is left alone...it doesn't matter if it is one person or a million who are neglecting God when it comes down to it, because we are all one. If one of us isn't there then all of us are not. Something like that...IP: Logged |
maira
Knowflake Posts: 899
From:
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 30, 2011 04:38 PM
I thought a lot of things since it happened. I'm still trying to make sense of it all, found this buddhist theory http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jhana_in_Theravada#Cessation_of_feelings_and_perceptions
and studied Sartre and physics http://www.nothingnesstheory.com/General%20Nothingness%20Theory10%20VII.htm I'm still amazed that I can't put my finger on it, I'm so used to labeling everything, experiences as well as people.
Still, the loneliness I felt was intrinsic - there was nothing that was not me and at the same time "me" was all that existed. There were no people, no feelings, nothing. IP: Logged |
maira
Knowflake Posts: 899
From:
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 30, 2011 04:47 PM
And this from my second link rings a bell: "Absolute nonexistence is defined as the absence of existence, the absence of nothingness, and the absence of absence. It is what is not being referred-to under any circumstances. Its definition is that which cannot be referred-to, named, or defined. It is the non-state to which everything including nothingness is attracted."I searched and remembered that the god of the Hebrew, Yahweh, would prohibit the use of his name.
Still rambling... IP: Logged |
maira
Knowflake Posts: 899
From:
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 30, 2011 04:51 PM
And about what you said, Sartre explained this clash like this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Being_and_Nothingness#Nothingness IP: Logged |
LEXX
Moderator Posts: 9143
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 30, 2011 10:30 PM
quote:
Originally posted by lalitree:
Lei--I actually love to find interesting books to read and have heard of Lovecraft and have meant to read some of his stuff for a long time, but for some reason or another have not come across it. which of these books would you recommend me most right now?
I hope you do not mind my answering. http://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/fiction/
http://www.hplovecraft.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSYhK6nXTcg&feature=share ------------------
~Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you ♥
~The present time is theirs, but the future is mine.~Nikola Tesla
~There is no box.~H♥
~I remember, therefore I am immortal~LEXX
}><}}}(*>~ IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted July 03, 2011 12:07 AM
Oh, Maira  , it is like the Tao says also---The Tao which can be named, is not the eternal Tao. Whenever we try to put our fingers on it and name it something we will just fail...I remember the first time I read the Tao te ching just a few years ago I cried because I just knew that other people understood, no matter how few. It is the most beautiful feeling in the world to know that someone else Knows... IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted July 03, 2011 12:12 AM
thank you LEXX i'll check those outIP: Logged |
abcd efg
Knowflake Posts: 1118
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011
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posted July 03, 2011 01:20 AM
quote:
Originally posted by lalitree:
Oh, Maira , it is like the Tao says also---The Tao which can be named, is not the eternal Tao. Whenever we try to put our fingers on it and name it something we will just fail...I remember the first time I read the Tao te ching just a few years ago I cried because I just knew that other people understood, no matter how few. It is the most beautiful feeling in the world to know that someone else Knows...
YES VERY TRUE. IP: Logged |
lalitree
Knowflake Posts: 204
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted July 09, 2011 05:01 PM
i was watching being john malkovich for the first time in years the other day, and at that part where he goes into the hole himself i understood the horror he felt...it flashed me back somehow to that feeling i had suddenly in a crowdIP: Logged |
maira
Knowflake Posts: 899
From:
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted July 09, 2011 07:55 PM
I have to watch that movie!
You should try Matrix - the first one. I saw it ten years ago and it seemed interesting at the time but now... I just understood. I would only have changed the ending - the final scene would of been a shot of all of them still lying in those caskets. They just had to make a Hollywood happy ending out of that one Thank you so, so much for the book of Tao. It is amazing! IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 14741
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted July 10, 2011 10:09 AM
The Matrix was filled with star signs.IP: Logged |
Lei_Kuei
Moderator Posts: 425
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted July 10, 2011 11:53 AM
maira : Have you seen parts 2 & 3?------------------
“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”
Philip K. Dick IP: Logged |
Lindaland
