posted October 15, 2009 10:13 PM            

So where did humans get the idea that sex must always lead to orgasm? At first I suspected our primitive mammalian mating program, which delivers a reinforcing "Yes!" with each climax. Turns out there's more to the story. Both the Church and the experts who compiled the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) have contributed to the belief that intercourse must be fertilization-driven (or orgasm-driven).

Church father Augustine of Hippo (b. 354 CE) is well known for his prayer, "Grant me chastity and continence...but not yet!" Less well known is his conclusion that because sex is a consequence of the "animal" in man--and animals have no interest in using sex to foster love or unity -- the proper use of sex in marriage is strictly for breeding. Whoa!

Actually, the infamous bonobo chimps, whose males sport supersize testicles to produce lots of competitive sperm, nevertheless engage in "rather casual and relaxed" sexual activity for social bonding, frequently without orgasm. And macaque male monkeys ejaculate in scarcely half of their copulations. That's probably more than the Church fathers would have wanted to know, but the point is that primate sex often serves goals other than fertilization or orgasm.

Augustine's error has been used to fend off some of sex's most uplifting gifts. In the last century, when Belgian and French Catholics discovered that gentle intercourse without orgasm was a "means of achieving a more perfect, more spiritual conjugal love," the pope condemned it. Some Church authorities actually declared "incomplete sexual acts" mortal sins.

When it comes to orgasm, Church authorities are not the only conservatives. Whenever I've asked experts about doing a few weeks of research comparing the stress levels or healing speeds of couples engaging in orgasm-based sex with couples practicing gentle intercourse without the goal of orgasm, I received the same advice: "That wouldn't get past our ethics committee because sex without orgasm is considered a paraphilia, or sexual disorder." (However, this pro-orgasm experiment passed: electrical devices were implanted in women's spines to see if they would produce climaxes via remote control.)

Now I have no doubt that people have sometimes avoided orgasm during sex for pathological reasons. But benefits from the practice of gentle intercourse without orgasm have been reported so often, and in so many cultures, that emotionally healthy people must have made this choice too.

In any event, are our codified convictions serving lovers? They create unnecessary distress and frustration in the less orgasmic or anorgasmic -- and their mates. They also indirectly bolster the assumption that pursuing sexual urges to exhaustion is a neutral, or even beneficial, practice. For instance, a man recently assured me that, "men ejaculate 1-3 times a day." Persuaded as he is that men are veritable semen fountains, he might be startled to learn that when subjects engaged in mere a "10-day depletion experience," ejaculating an average of 2.4 times per day, their sperm output remained below pre-depletion levels for more than five months.

What other not-so-welcome, subtle changes accompany this one, given the powerful influence of our delicate reward circuitry (the brain mechanism behind our drives) on equilibrium and mood?

I suspect that orgasm feels great not because it is an unqualified health or psychological benefit, but because our genes want us to expend our effort on their top priority: propelling them into the next generation.

The neurochemical "Yes!" of climax may not indicate that we're equipped to engage in orgasm-driven sex every time we feel sexual desire. Just as a love of fine chocolate doesn't mean that we'd be wise to eat an entire box. A 20-year old found this out the hard way:

We knew we weren't going to see each other for a while so we had sex 4 times in the night and once in the morning. The next day, I had weird feelings like I was pulling away from her or didn't want her or something, which cannot be because I know I love this girl. I feel very fatigued, light headed or zoned out, and depressed. This is not like me.

As I learn more about the effects of sex on the brain, I realize it makes sense to take into account how recently, or intensely, we have climaxed. It appears that frequent, or especially intense, orgasm can create tolerance (a need for increasing stimulation to achieve future orgasms). It can also lead to satiety and habituation, which may show up as subconscious irritation, out of sync libidos, performance demands and insecurities. And it may promote the use of risky sexual enhancement measures as lovers try to overcome their built-in biological brakes with force. Not to be alarmist, but Viagra, for example, has been associated with sudden, irreversible blindness and has been blamed for many deaths through heart attack and stroke. Perhaps we are pressuring ourselves to reach unrealistic benchmarks.

Meanwhile, gentle, relaxed intercourse without orgasm is "off limits" (for Catholics) and "dysfunctional" (for the rest of us). As a consequence, if couples don't know about, or have fallen out of the habit of, using other daily bonding behaviors to sustain the sparkle in their relationship, they are quite likely to rely only on sex with attempted orgasm(s) to keep their union strong.

What would bonobo life look like if one of the chimps' favorite social-bonding techniques, rubbing genitals, had to result in mutual climax--or produce disappointment and resentment? I think zoologists would see a lot of cranky chimps.

A more relaxed approach to sex may prove especially beneficial for pair-bonders like us. Our nervous system appears to reward us for both close, trusted companionship and the exchange of selfless, affection. In other pair-bonding species, "sexual behavior is neither especially frequent nor especially fervent." Many interactions between mates take the form of resting together, mutual grooming, and "hanging out." (The Myth of Monogamy)

Maybe our limitations exist to urge us toward less driven affection. Perhaps it's time to expand our lovemaking repertoire to include relaxed, non-goal-oriented sexual activity with the primary goals of closer bonds and increased contentment.

Link

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posted October 15, 2009 10:36 PM            

I think the fluctuation of hormones have some influence. I think I had a lot of hormones in my teenage years and couldn't do anything about it

posted October 16, 2009 03:20 PM            

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Qi (Lifeforce) and Jing (Essence)

The basis of all Taoist thinking is that qi is part of everything that exists. It is related to another energetic substance contained in the human body known as jing, and once all this has been expended, you will die. Jing could be lost from the body in a variety of ways, most notably the bodily fluids. Taoists would use practices to stimulate/increase and conserve their bodily fluids to great extents, and some reportedly recycled and composted their own fecal matter. The fluid that contained the most Jing was male semen. Therefore the Taoists believed that men should decrease the frequency or totally avoid ejaculation in order to conserve their life essence.[2]
[edit] Male control of ejaculation

Many Taoist practitioners link the loss of ejaculatory fluids to the loss of vital life force: where excessive fluid loss results in premature aging, disease, and general fatigue. While some Taoists contend that one should never ejaculate, others provide a specific formula to determine the maximum amount of regular ejaculations in order to maintain health.[3] The general idea is to limit the loss of fluids as much as possible to the level of your desired practice. As these sexual practices were passed down over the centuries, some practitioners have given less importance to the limiting of ejaculation. Nevertheless, the "retention of the semen" is one of the foundational tenets of Taoist sexual practice.[4]

There are different methods to control ejaculation prescribed by the Taoists. In order to avoid ejaculation, the man could do one of two things. He could pull out immediately before orgasm, a method which Joseph Needham termed "coitus conservatus". [5] The second method involved the man applying pressure on an area between the scrotum and the anus, thus retaining the sperm. While, if done incorrectly can cause a retrograde ejaculation, the Taoists believed that the semen traveled up into the head and "nourished the brain."[6] This method is referred to by some Taoist scholars as "The Million Dollar Point" (reference Mantak Chia), regarding it as either a cheap lesson for income or a backup method, believing that it somehow lessened the loss of "jing" from a full ejaculation. Some modern teachers have come to the conclusion that the method should not be used because of potential dangers.[7] Another method involves the Taoist to train himself to separate the impulses of ejaculation and orgasmic contraction (the contraction of the pelvic muscles that "pump" the prostate and the ejaculate). By separating these impulses, at the point of orgasm, the man can halt penetration but remain inside his partner, and forcibly clench his pelvic floor ("stunting" the initial prostate contractions), while simultaneously adopting a meditation like "intention" that these Taoists believe redirect not the physical sperm, but the life energy(jing) it contains up the back and to the center of the brain. This way the man will still have orgasm, but will not ejaculate, and most importantly will not lose his erection. This formula prescribes the man to climb a "ladder" of escalating orgasms in conjunction with the meditation like "intention", in order to cultivate and store massive amounts of "jing". If performed successfully the male should have no stagnating pain in the testes, and should have no semen in his urine, as well as the health benefits expected by practitioners. Those that practice this method believe that it is one of the keys to immortality.

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posted October 16, 2009 03:40 PM            

I have kids jumping over me here so my research on this subject will be limited. In more ways than one - there was a lack of pelvic floor effort way back when.

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This collection of beautiful prints offer provocative insights to illuminate certain facets of Chinese sexuality such as the practise of coitus reservatus, the primacy of the female orgasm, and the custom of female footbinding that was the obsession of the entire race for ten centuries.

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http://www.geocities.com/ototero/n-erotic.html

With warnings to the under 18s and easily offended.

posted October 16, 2009 04:23 PM            

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I don't know that modern medical science jives with ancient taoism. I'm pretty sure that they've found it healthy for males to ejaculate (prostate health and all that).

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Maybe they just wanted to learn how to please their women again and again and again?!

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getting naked and having fun need not be goal-oriented

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Agreed.

Why, oh, why do men feel like they have to perform every time? That puts a lot of tension on the partners too. I personally like to cuddle as much as possible. If anything comes out of it - great! If not - great!

posted October 16, 2009 04:26 PM            

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And I think she's right about the binding aspect, too

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posted October 16, 2009 09:15 PM            

yes they can.

posted October 18, 2009 08:41 AM              

YAY TEAM.

posted October 28, 2009 06:35 AM            

I was thinking about this question today. Yes, it was a boring day in class. I was thinking that if orgasming is the agenda, then it really doesn't matter who the subject it - the sex is impersonalised - and so can be with anyone. Sure, everyone has purely physical desires and that needs an outlet too.

posted October 28, 2009 05:37 PM            

Here's one of my YT favorites about Willow & Tara from BtVS set to a song called This Kiss:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Hag-EqiIKc

posted October 28, 2009 09:45 PM              

"If you cannot face directly your sexuality, you will never discover your true spirituality." - White Tigress Manual

Transmuting Sexual Energy

Now that we have generated sexual energy it is important that we move the sexual energy through the rest of the body. Most people in our culture have no idea what to do with their sexual energy/arousal. We feel horny or filled with lust and so the only thing that we know to do is to have sex and get rid of that feeling. That is one option, but there are others. If you do not have a partner, or if intercourse is not an option for you at this time, you can transmute the energy through breath or by creating something (a painting or piece of music etc.). A great breathing technique that I often use is called the Transmutation Breath. Take a deep breath in drawing the sexual feelings up the spine and into your head, hold the breath and visual the sexual energy dancing in your head, take a sniff of air or swallow and then exhale and allow the energy to spread through the body. Another option for moving sexual energy is to actual enter into sexual activity either with yourself or your partner and then use the transmutation breath as you are approaching orgasm or ejaculation, do this at least three times before going over the edge! The practice of transmuting energy is very good for us. Studies have proven that when people get close to orgasm they produce the hormones that help us to feel happier. If you do this a number of times you are producing more and more feel good hormones in your body.
-Jaiya