posted October 14, 2010 03:22 PM         

Found some interesting info, just wanted to share

Mommy No-Nos that Fuel Sibling Rivalry.

Parents who have more than one child know a bitter truth: while some siblings become best friends, others go at it like cats and dogs, 24/7. And in many cases, parents do things that fuel sibling rivalry, says parenting guru Nancy Samalin, the New York City-based author of "Loving Without Spoiling."

Here are 11 rivalry-boosting blunders that parents should avoid.

Read more: http://www.cbsnews.com/2300-204_162-10005204.html?tag=recommended;galleryLiRecommended#ixzz12MV5Bauf

Mistake: Comparing Your Kids

Comparing kids is risky business. If one child seems to come out ahead in the comparison, that's going to look a lot like favoritism. And nothing fuels sibling rivalry like parental favoritism.

So think twice before pointing out to one child how the other is better. "Jane, why can't you be more like your brother's?" is exactly the wrong kind of thing to say.

Mistake: Asking Who Started It

"Who started it?" is a pretty useless question, says Samalin.

Do you really think one child is going to say, "I did?" It's safer to assume both kids are guilty. After all, your real goal as a parent shouldn't be to find out who started it - but to help them end it.

Neglecting One-on-One Time

Kids need to feel special, and one way to do that is for one or both parents to give each sibling "one on one" time. Feeling special helps keep sibling spats to a minimum.

Mistake: Worrying about "Fairness"

"It's not fair" is the refrain of every sibling. No matter how hard you try to make everything completely fair, you're likely to fail.

So don't get bent out of shape when one child cries foul. Just say something noncommittal, like "Oh," says Samalin.

It's not poetry, but it works.

Mistake: Encouraging Tattling

Unless it's an emergency (broken glass, a swallowed toy, etc.), let your kids know that tattling is not allowed.

Children tattle to get a sibling in trouble. If you listen to a tattletale, you only increase the *** -for-tat behavior in your kids.

Mistake: Not Noticing When They Get Along

It's easy for parents to notice when their kids aren't getting along. But noticing when they do get along helps keep you on an even keel - and helps you avoid making mistakes that can promote sibling rivalry.

So watch for the times when your kids share secrets, laugh together, play well together, etc.

Mistake: Praising One in Front of the Other

The child who isn't praised - but who sees his/her sibling being praised - is likely to say or think "What about me?" And that can lead the child to find ways to even the score.

This doesn't mean you can never say something good about one child in the presence of another, says Samalin. But don't overlook the potential downside.

Mistake: Always Blaming the Older Child

Parents often assume that the older child is to blame for conflict. But it's safer to assume both are "guilty" - and to let them try to work things out for themselves.

Mistake: Being Too Quick to Intervene

If parents jump in every time the kids start to fight, siblings are slow to learn how to defuse conflict on their own. Unless there's physical abuse (blood) or emotional damage (below -the-belt insults like "fat pig"), stay out of it., says Samalin.

If one child complains to you about what the other did, plead the Fifth. "I wasn't there. You guys will have to work it out."

Mistake: Expecting Harmony

Parents often have unrealistic expectations of how well their children should get along. They forget how often they fought with their own siblings when they were younger (or how they still fight as adults).

Truth is, it's normal for siblings to bicker.

posted October 15, 2010 12:34 PM         

for instance every child at my grandson's school believes they are "disciplined" for doing "nothing"...and that everyone else is getting off scott free...which may be the case for any single incident, but not if you look at the bigger picture.

however i recently witnessed a perversion of the "don't ask who started it" situation...child one was pushing, punching and otherwise harrassing child two, who eventually pushed back and being bigger knocked #1 onto the ground. #1 was not punished for starting the fight but #2 was punished for ending it. a week later #2 was assaulted by another smaller child, who i believe had every reason to think he would get away with it since #1 did...