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Author Topic:   Punnies ! :)
Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1814
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted March 07, 2013 10:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

------------------
NumeroLexigrams
~I remember,
therefore I am immortal
~Lexxigramer
My Lexigramming Biography/over 1/2 a century to date Lexigramming

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charmainec
Moderator

Posts: 6187
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009

posted March 07, 2013 12:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charmainec     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
There are some good ones.

------------------

quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

Linda Goodman

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mirage29
Knowflake

Posts: 703
From: us
Registered: May 2012

posted March 12, 2013 11:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
LOL!!

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1814
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted March 12, 2013 11:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Not a punny but funny!

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing...and as he paused to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young. .......so we invented them."

"Now, you arrogant little twerp , what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding...

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1814
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted March 12, 2013 11:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
OK;
this one is good but hard to do without the actual swearing;
but I will try and you all figure it out.

The Little Girl Next Door

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less,
adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,
and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take
her ten dollars "pay" to the bank to start a savings account. When the girl
and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real work crew
building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those "#@!%*" at Home Depot ever
deliver the "^%#@!" sheet rock..."

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1814
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted March 12, 2013 11:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillow around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1814
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted March 12, 2013 11:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oil shortage

A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~

Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~


:
BUT
:

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington DC

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Love&Light
Knowflake

Posts: 553
From: India
Registered: Oct 2011

posted March 12, 2013 11:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Love&Light     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@ Grandma joke. ROFL i actually had a belly laugh after a long time.

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1814
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted March 12, 2013 11:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have a condition that causes me to eat when I cannot sleep.
It is called;
Insom nom nom nom nia

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1814
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted March 12, 2013 11:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

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