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Author Topic:   Dating the divorcee
Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014

posted September 23, 2014 05:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, ladies and gents, here I am. I can scratch that off my dating list. As you all probably know (some from experience, others as anecdotal info), and as I am finding out for myself, dating someone who's been married before is no walk in the park. Especially if the divorce was brutal and fairly recent. Especially if there are kids involved. Especially if you've never been married (but want to and have high ideals of it) and don't have kids of your own.

Uh oh.

A little overwhelming, is it not?

Dating articles across the Internet do claim that there are perks to dating a divorcee, just as there are those who advise you to run for the hills. I have to say, those last ones do make some hell of a good point. This is some heavy baggage and, perks or no perks, should not be treated lightly (I guess I won't be getting engaged after 4 days this time! ). Realistic expectations seem to be key here.

So, lovely people of LL and SPITR, especially those of you who know first hand what I am talking about, what do you have to say about it? What advice would you give to someone dating.. you? What are the important things to ask, not ask (nevermind, there's no such thing, just perhaps bad timing), be mindful of? IS there a (happy) life after divorce or am I just kidding myself?

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Abc333
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posted September 23, 2014 06:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Abc333     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
There's a happy life after divorce, it just depends on the person. They have to find and create their own happy life first before they can include anyone new in it.

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Jo B
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posted September 23, 2014 08:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jo B     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think dating someone who is divorced with kids (or separated, if they were never actually married) can be a strain if you have no children yourself. I had a 3 year relationship with a man 11 years old than me (he 41, me 30) who had a six year-old daughter. His daughter would spend a week with him then a week with his ex, that was the routine. However, what with his elderly, very needy mother, his melodramatic ex still causing issues, and his young daughter obviously coming first in his life (who actually I got on well with), I felt like I was 4th in the pecking order. In the end I didn't think I was getting a good deal (actually because his ex was still very much involved in his life), so left him. Ironically I missed his daughter more than I did him.

I think if both of you have kids then it's easier.

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 23, 2014 09:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Abc333:
There's a happy life after divorce, it just depends on the person. They have to find and create their own happy life first before they can include anyone new in it.

I agree very much with that! Everyone should fix their sh*t before getting into a new relationship, not just the divorced bunch. But, well, them especially.

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 23, 2014 09:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Jo B,

Thank you for your input and sharing your story!

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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I'm so cappy
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From: Mordor
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posted September 23, 2014 10:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for I'm so cappy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ouch. I would never give a single father a chance. I don't want to deal with baby mama drama, jealous and possibly bratty children and not being his top priority. I hope it works out for you though.

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I'm sooo happy! I mean, cappy.

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PixieJane
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posted September 23, 2014 11:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
The ex-wife is not so present but very money hungry (and they still haven't divided the goods.. that's going to be fun for all of us)

Are you sure they're divorced? Because if they're still dividing it up and it's going to court then I don't think they are.

I speak as a child of divorce. The Final Decree of Divorce includes how everything is split up, child support and custody, etc. In some states he could really be screwing himself by dating before the final decree.

Furthermore, until his kids are all 18 then he's almost certainly going to be obligated to provide support for them. I don't know how "greedy" the ex actually is but if she's as bad as you imply then he needs to talk to his lawyer about any debts she might rack up and then pass off onto him in the divorce.

I can't imagine why he'd be in a serious relationship at all right now. My dad did get a woman even before the final decree (and it hurt him in court) but she wasn't someone he was serious about.

Given his needs and yours I think this relationship is a bad idea for both of you, at least based on what you've shared here.

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 23, 2014 11:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
Ouch. I would never give a single father a chance. I don't want to deal with baby mama drama, jealous and possibly bratty children and not being his top priority. I hope it works out for you though.


And over the sudden Capricorns aren't so irresistible, you see?

Thing is, Cappy, once you've reached a certain age in the dating world, you come to agree with the saying that compares men to toilets: the good ones are taken, the available ones are full of sh.. So if a good one becomes open, what should a girl do?

I was actually thinking though, that with divorce rates going up, divorcees are going to be quite a big part of the pool candidates, especially as we get older.

Dating is pretty brutal. I can't wait to be over with it!

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 23, 2014 11:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
PJ,

Thank you for your answer! I edited the personal stuff because I don't feel good about it hanging around on the Internet.

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 23, 2014 12:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

*edited*

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Yin
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posted September 23, 2014 02:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Everything is always complicated. Young kids should always a priority. What if you were the one with the kids and you were expected to give your b/f a 100% of your time and attention?

Give the guy a chance, would be my advice.

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Aries Eagle
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From: Λ Άρης Λ
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posted September 23, 2014 04:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aries Eagle     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have zero experience in this field, but i wish you the best in everything my Aries national counterpart friend especially for the coming exams.

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Vajra
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posted September 23, 2014 07:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Vajra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
*edit*

I think whether it works out or not with the children pretty much depends on the attitude of the person who hooks up with a divorcee. Common sense as well as human decency dictates that children who were traumatized by their parent's divorce should always be the first consideration in their parents' reckoning. Therefore, most parents will probably put their children's needs before those of the new partner, not because they want to, but because they feel they have to. It doesn't mean they love the new partner any less.

My advice in the circumstances you describe would be not to rush into anything, especially not before your exam is over. Better take your time getting acquainted slowly. If you find he's worth it, and if he's willing to confront his own baggage, all and any problems can probably be worked out between the two of you in a spirit of trust and co-operation. And you could also try to see the child issue that way: Step children can be a chance to gain experience in parenting without really being responsible for the result (and being able to withdraw from the situation from time to time, something a real parent can never do). This can be an enriching experience, especially if you are planning to have children of your own one day.

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Padre35
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From: Asheville, NC, US
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posted September 23, 2014 11:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Padre35     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
And over the sudden Capricorns aren't so irresistible, you see?

Thing is, Cappy, once you've reached a certain age in the dating world, you come to agree with the saying that compares men to toilets: the good ones are taken, the available ones are full of sh.. So if a good one becomes open, what should a girl do?

I was actually thinking though, that with divorce rates going up, divorcees are going to be quite a big part of the pool candidates, especially as we get older.

Dating is pretty brutal. I can't wait to be over with it!


Two way street, it is one of the reasons why I'm still single, why get into a serious relationship and deal with baggage when there are better things to do?

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Ellynlvx
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From: the Point of Light within the Mind of God
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posted September 24, 2014 12:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ellynlvx     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It is nice to be autonomous.

Two mules in a harness don't always go far.

And I'm such a ninny, I always make my Mate the complete focus of my existence.

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 24, 2014 02:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Yin:
Everything is always complicated. Young kids should always a priority. What if you were the one with the kids and you were expected to give your b/f a 100% of your time and attention?

Give the guy a chance, would be my advice.


Thank you, Yin!

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 24, 2014 02:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aries Eagle:
I have zero experience in this field, but i wish you the best in everything my Aries national counterpart friend especially for the coming exams.

Thank you, AE! You're a great friend!

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 24, 2014 03:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Vajra,

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am very happy for you that you found him! There are indeed some great ones out there, rare, but they exist. Just like there are awesome women, too. Like you! And maybe me. Thank you for the practical advice, it means a lot.

*edited*

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 24, 2014 03:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Padre35:
Two way street, it is one of the reasons why I'm still single, why get into a serious relationship and deal with baggage when there are better things to do?

Yes, that saying is true about women, too, Padre. Because people get into relationships too easily, without dealing with the past baggage first. I didn't mean to imply that men are the bad ones, I honestly do not care for this silly gender war. If you're happy with your decision, more power to you. I am not ready to resign my ovaries just yet, still got a fight in them left.

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Dancing Maenad
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From: The Harvest
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posted September 24, 2014 03:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Ellynlvx:
It is nice to be autonomous.

Two mules in a harness don't always go far.

And I'm such a ninny, I always make my Mate the complete focus of my existence.


I do, too, Ellyn, at least in the beginning. Once I'm set into the relationship, it's easier to go do my thing. But in the beginning, I make them a top priority when they're not yet ready to do the same. It didn't seem to work for me.. not sure about other people. A lesson learned for me.

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~the raving one dancing in the nude~

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Vajra
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posted September 24, 2014 07:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Vajra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
There are indeed some great ones out there, rare, but they exist. Just like there are awesome women, too. Like you! And maybe me.

Sure you are an awesome woman! Don't you ever sell yourself short!

I think it’s quite true that in the case of a messy divorce, the divorcee may have a lot of soul-searching and healing to complete before he/she can again be a good partner to anyone. I know a lot of messily divorced people in their 40s, and many of those have become bitter man- or woman-haters Not a good basis for a respectful new partnership…

But let’s face it: At some time in life, nearly everyone will become “damaged goods” in the eyes of others in some form or other, because none of us will be as beautiful, as healthy, or as innocent as we once were. And baggage can come in many forms, from childhood trauma to the inability to care for oneself as in some who are still living with their parents past age 40, to manifold psychological or bodily health issues. Looking for people without any form of baggage may be looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. I’d rather say, look for someone with "compatible" baggage Better yet, let them look for you.

Being single for some time after divorce is probably not a bad thing. Actually, being able to take care of oneself without outside assistance is a very attractive asset in a person, and surprisingly few people can do that, hence the widespread need for a “rebound”. As for me, I was single for years after divorce, and intended to stay so, but my man was very determined to be with me, and he was simply too wonderful to reject, so here I find myself hooked up again against my intentions But the alone time was still important because I set up my home base just as I want it and need it, and am now very certain that I can deal with anything on my own if need be. Under these circumstances, a man is welcome to become an honored guest in my life, but it is still MY life, and will remain so. So I’d say, trust your instinct, because it will tell you very clearly whether the guy is good for your life or not. Make reasonable compromises, but do not compromise on essentials.

And yes, I think you're absolutely right that you need to look out for No.1 first and foremost, because it's quite likely no one else will ever really be able and willing to do that for you (or anyone). If only people would consider this simple rule some more! It would mean less co-dependency, less heartbreak, less betrayal in the world... oh well.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, both with your exam and with the new man in your life - no matter whether he’s going to be a lover or a friend in the end!

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Padre35
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posted September 24, 2014 07:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Padre35     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
Yes, that saying is true about women, too, Padre. Because people get into relationships too easily, without dealing with the past baggage first. I didn't mean to imply that men are the bad ones, I honestly do not care for this silly gender war. If you're happy with your decision, more power to you. I am not ready to resign my ovaries just yet, still got a fight in them left.


Which is why I said two way street, really messy breakups leave emotional scars that do not easily heal especially when there are children involved meaning usually they still have to deal with each other.

And it never quite ends, just drags out for years for both. Been in relationships where that is just what happens.

Real problem is, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference, when they speak how much they hate the "fmr" it tells one that there are still feelings there.

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Ellynlvx
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From: the Point of Light within the Mind of God
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posted September 24, 2014 04:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ellynlvx     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
I do, too, Ellyn, at least in the beginning. Once I'm set into the relationship, it's easier to go do my thing. But in the beginning, I make them a top priority when they're not yet ready to do the same. It didn't seem to work for me.. not sure about other people. A lesson learned for me.


I was just responding to Padre last night, Mae.

Your situation is completely different from mine, I'm not sure how to respond to it.

I'm pretty much waiting for my kids to grow up before I consider any real relationship, cause it is so very difficult to navigate.

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FireMoon
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posted September 25, 2014 02:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for FireMoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey DM, I'll come back to write more later when I can but just wanted to say I have a strange perspective on this since my parents are divorced and my dad has been re-married since I was a teenager (it's been almost 10 years now I think)... My step-mom had never been married and never had kids of her own, and my dad and mom never fully resolved there turmoil about custody, money, etc... So I'm sure it was difficult and awkward for her coming into that situation, and there were definitely rough spots for everyone but they've actually had a really solid marriage, it seems to be kind of a 180 for my dad compared to what he had with my mom. And I can honestly say I get along with my step mom extremely well now... Better than with my actual parents lol and I'm grateful to have her in my life

So idk what I can say I would do personally, or what advice to give... But just wanted to say if you can be brutally honest from the start with each other and stick through the challenges I think it is possible to be happy in that situation...

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tgem
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posted September 25, 2014 07:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for tgem     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi DM!
Just thought I would pop in to give my two cents. I am also a soon to be divorcee with a young son - I am not dating yet but eventually will. So I'm going to give my perspective from a 36 yr. old woman point of view. Eventually when I'm ready to date, I'll be very interested in spending as much time as I possibly can with them and I will actively try to work around my custody schedule to do this. I would want my man to know that I do consider him a priority but my child is also incredibly important to me and things/ issues are going to come up. I would want him to understand that from the very beginning. One point is that I DO NOT believe the prospective mate should get involved or even meet the child, unti the time comes that the relationship is serious and possibly considering marriage. From personal experience (my ex brought in the new woman before we were even divorced and now they're on the outs) it is way TOO confusing for a child to understand...especially if the divorce is recent and was not amicable..as in my own case. Even with my son, if I really want to re-marry again or be in a happy relationship, I am going to first and foremost work on the relationship and get to a solid point before involving any kids at all. In this guys case, a custody schedule should be set. As a prospective woman, I would want/expect my guy to spend as much quality time with his son as is given via the custody. HOWEVER, on the "off" days when he doesn't have kids, I would expect as much time to be devoted to working on our relationship. Yes, emergencies and things do come up which can alter the schedule...but it shouldn't happen that often and I personally feel just fine with having the time to spend with him on his "off custody" days. Personally, I would not want a man who didnt make his children a priority when he was responsible for them. However, there is a difference between "things coming up last minute" taking up his off days and him just choosing to spend time with the kids over time with you. To me, that says he is NOT ready to start dating again and put in time into nuturing a new relationship. Although he seems to be a wonderful man and all the qualities you are looking for, he has to be truly ready to give the time and nurture the new relationship... That is WITHIN the perimeters of his custody with his kids. Does that make sense? And IMO if the relationship does move forward, given him and his ex are not really on good terms, I would keep a very low profile until things happen to get really serious between you two. The less drama, the better....especially when there are children involved. ❤

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