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Author Topic:   How do you heal from betrayal?
ikja
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From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 01, 2014 07:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've come to realise that I really struggle with betrayal, especially when it involves abandonment and feeling "unwanted". Throughout my life, I have had a number of people (including siblings) treat me badly and turn their back on me, although the issues that they had were not because of anything I did directly, but because of what I represented to them and because of their own demons.

I'm old enough to know now that people make mistakes and people get hurt. Things change and people have to make choices. However, what continues to hurt me is that as a result of their issues... I am paying the consequences.

For example, I had to be an adult person quicker than most. I was surrounded by arguments more than most. I had to grow up without having stable suitable relationships and therefore, in a way, I feel very robbed.

Too many years have gone for me to fix the past. However, how do you forgive such betrayal? How do you get over feeling abandoned; how do you express that you're the only person fighting for yourself everyday?

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

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Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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Faith
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posted November 01, 2014 10:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
^ Cool signature.

Not sure if I have healed from betrayal so much as moved past it.

I try and distance myself from my own baggage on a day-to-day basis. I don't really talk to the people who pull me down...even if they are my own family members...but I make it a point to think of them kindly and with a forgiving attitude. It keeps my heart softer that way, and it literally feels more comfortable in my chest.

Early in my life I made some drastic moves to cut myself off from things/people/expectations that I thought would encumber my future. It was a lot of trouble and stress to work up to the "escape velocity" it took to get out of those circumstances, but that's what desperation can do to a person.

I have peace now because of what I did then. But it also left its own scars. The best we can do sometimes is make a wild guess and fling ourselves forward, almost blindly.

Good luck with everything

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PixieJane
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From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted November 01, 2014 11:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've been there. Well, I never felt fully alone (as I found networks, but then I had to sacrifice those more than once) but I have felt abandoned and vulnerable from family and felt part of me die inside at times, especially as a teen.

I forgave by coming to understand how they became the people they were, both through astrology and learning more of their life experiences that shaped them. By forgiveness I mean understanding which brought understanding and grudging sympathy, doesn't mean wipe the slate clean so they can screw me again (which they would if they could). I also looked to what I gained as opposed to what I lost. And most importantly, I didn't forgive to be spiritual or any BS like that, I forgave so that I wasn't harming myself with pointless anger and regret. That said, over the years I have developed some love for those who hurt me, but at the same time it's not a self-sacrificing love, I keep them at a distance and only interact with them cautiously. And them not having power over me is the biggest liberator.

It's possible all my Libra (compelling me to see things from another's PoV as best I can, even if only for a moment) and Sag (easy to not worry about spilled milk) energy helps me with this whereas your Scorpio ASC might make it much harder for you. So with that in mind I thought I'd share this with you:
http://scorpioland.org/phoenix-complex-surviving-scorpios-death-instinct/

Good luck on your transformation.

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ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 225
From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 02, 2014 06:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@FAITH:

Thank you for your insightful words. I have had a tendency to move past people who have triggered these feelings within me - but I am not sure how effective my method has been.

I say this because, I recently realised that a recent abandonment issue triggered the reopening of wounds from other past incidents of betrayal/abandonment that I experienced as a teen; and it really made me question the way I had handled my healing from the past incidents.

I think I used to operate on the premise of 'out of sight, out of mind', but I never made any meaningful links to say really explore these feelings in depth. I just kept moving forward, eventually feeling the same thing again somewhere down the road.

Ultimately, I think am angry at the betrayal/abandonment because I feel like a lot of these things were out of my control and I was punished for them. How do you stop being angry about the fact that you lost key connections? Though a part of you understands and appreciates that everyone is fighting a battle?

I guess talking about it helps.
- Thank you for reading x

@PIXIEJANE:

I have 150% felt the feeling of dying inside. I can identify with the feeling, to me, it feels like something breaks and I feel different - lighter somehow.

Once I have been betrayed, I don't think it is even possible for me to even feel as deeply for the person anymore because that something inside me is broken. So, when wiping the slate clean, there are no emotions. It's more of an act on a 'to-do' list.

I wonder if I capable of feeling love for the people who have betrayed/abandoned me; but maybe I am thinking too far ahead. I have to take it a day at a time.

I definitely think the Scorpio in me is the thing that holds onto hurt for a long time. In as much as I am able to see something from someone else's point of view, it's very difficult to move past how something made me feel. I remember pain easily and how I felt at a particular point in time.

I really appreciate the link you have shared. Time for some self love.

Thank you for sharing with me x

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

 ❤

Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 225
From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 02, 2014 09:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Funnily enough, I just read somewhere that I may reconcile with one of my siblings this month.

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

 ❤

Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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teasel
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posted November 02, 2014 12:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't know. I'm still trying.

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seekinglight
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Registered: Mar 2014

posted November 02, 2014 06:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for seekinglight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Time.

At some point, you may isolate yourself.
At some point, you may be wary of those you let come close to you. If you even allow them to.
At some point, you may gradually open up to new people and experiences.

At some point, you encounter more loving and caring people, even if it is just brief encounters. But you certainly appreciate these moments.
At some point, new people or even strangers may open up to you, and you realize you can empathize and be there for another. How can you judge when their pain resounds so similarly to those lingering wound you desperately try to heal?
At some point, you begin to observe close bonds between people and wonder how they can sustain their friendships/relationships in the long term.

At some point, you surprisingly found that there are indeed some trustworthy people who have proved themselves so far in your relatively new circle.
At some point, you begin reciprocating their reliability and willing to stand by them through the good and the rough.
At some point, you eventually learn to open up and be vulnerable with the closer and trusted few. And much to your bewilderment, they accept you with a warm hug.

And you realise that not everyone is the same. Not everyone is fickle. Not everyone is unsympathetic. Not everyone will reject you.
And for those who did, perhaps they didn't mean it, perhaps they didn't know any better, but does it really matter anymore?

For now, you are just glad to be embracing the warmth and love you receive and eager to return the same to others.


That's my bittersweet experience. Looking back, I am grateful that it all happened as I have learned to truly appreciate every people, encounters and moments of my life. The good, the bad and the lessons that push me to grow beyond.

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PixieJane
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From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted November 02, 2014 07:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
^^

Yes, one of the things I've learned from all the bad is gratitude for the good! So many people take the good for granted.

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teasel
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posted November 02, 2014 08:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm big on gratitude. It helps, I'm still not over certain things. I'm trying to keep things to myself, rather than tell my mother when I'm upset over what happened over the past few years, because she has been in bad shape (really bad for a long while), and I just want to fix what was broken, because I don't know how long any of us will have together. I can't think that way all of the time, though, because it terrifies me (the fact that I could lose her, or my Dad.. I can't take any more loss, and I don't know how much more they can take, either).

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Faith
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Posts: 8930
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Registered: Jul 2011

posted November 03, 2014 09:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@ikja

*hug*

I know exactly what you mean. That's why I said, I'm not sure if I've healed. Not sure. Just when I think something is resolved, a new situation might re-open these old wounds...sometimes I find myself crying "about nothing," dredging up old issues in the process.

But it seems you have a good attitude. You are willing to explore your pain and see what it is. Maybe you will never make it go away, but it can be turned into a positive thing, I believe that.

As the song goes...

"Don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart."

And, something like this:

I try and remember the value of my pain, and the lessons in it. It takes the edge off.

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ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 225
From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 03, 2014 06:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by seekinglight:
Time.

At some point, you may isolate yourself.
At some point, you may be wary of those you let come close to you. If you even allow them to.
At some point, you may gradually open up to new people and experiences.

At some point, you encounter more loving and caring people, even if it is just brief encounters. But you certainly appreciate these moments.
At some point, new people or even strangers may open up to you, and you realize you can empathize and be there for another. How can you judge when their pain resounds so similarly to those lingering wound you desperately try to heal?
At some point, you begin to observe close bonds between people and wonder how they can sustain their friendships/relationships in the long term.

At some point, you surprisingly found that there are indeed some trustworthy people who have proved themselves so far in your relatively new circle.
At some point, you begin reciprocating their reliability and willing to stand by them through the good and the rough.
At some point, you eventually learn to open up and be vulnerable with the closer and trusted few. And much to your bewilderment, they accept you with a warm hug.

And you realise that not everyone is the same. Not everyone is fickle. Not everyone is unsympathetic. Not everyone will reject you.
And for those who did, perhaps they didn't mean it, perhaps they didn't know any better, but does it really matter anymore?

For now, you are just glad to be embracing the warmth and love you receive and eager to return the same to others.


That's my bittersweet experience. Looking back, I am grateful that it all happened as I have learned to truly appreciate every people, encounters and moments of my life. The good, the bad and the lessons that push me to grow beyond.


I'm somewhat grateful that I have been abandoned by some people, because I have learned to stand on my own two feet and I know that I am strong enough to overcome some really sad times. Kind of like 'if I can get past losing XYZ, I can do anything'

The funny thing is, I used to think that I was running out of time when it came to making certain decisions and making movements. However, I realise now that time really is a beautiful thing because it forces you to be alone, to think and to take care of the wounds. I think the saddest thing becomes having to show the people you want to get to know the scars from the wounds. It's difficult, embarrassing and you get scared/nervous about how they will react.
Will unveiling your scars be a waste of time? Or will they be seen as beautiful?

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

 ❤

Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 225
From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 03, 2014 06:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by teasel:
I'm big on gratitude. It helps, I'm still not over certain things. I'm trying to keep things to myself, rather than tell my mother when I'm upset over what happened over the past few years, because she has been in bad shape (really bad for a long while), and I just want to fix what was broken, because I don't know how long any of us will have together. I can't think that way all of the time, though, because it terrifies me (the fact that I could lose her, or my Dad.. I can't take any more loss, and I don't know how much more they can take, either).

It sounds like you're as lonely as me in a way. Have you tried writing your feelings down? Or even talking out loud? As if you're having a conversation with someone else. I've found that when I have been scared over the last 9 months, this has really helped.

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

 ❤

Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 225
From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 03, 2014 07:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Faith:
@ikja

*hug*

I know exactly what you mean. That's why I said, I'm not sure if I've healed. Not sure. Just when I think something is resolved, a new situation might re-open these old wounds...sometimes I find myself crying "about nothing," dredging up old issues in the process.

But it seems you have a good attitude. You are willing to explore your pain and see what it is. Maybe you will never make it go away, but it can be turned into a positive thing, I believe that.

As the song goes...

"Don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart."

And, something like this:

I try and remember the value of my pain, and the lessons in it. It takes the edge off.


I cry about everything these days.
I do think it's positive though, because it allows the emotions to exit the body in a healthy way. Perhaps that's part of the healing process? I want to explore it, and conquer it; but because I was first abandoned majorly when I was about 12, I think it's too engrained. I guess, it's just understanding the pain and recognising it when it resurfaces or is triggered. Then to assess the cause of the trigger objectively. Was I triggered intentionally? Is the person aware of my circumstances? Etc.
I'm going to listen to the song before I sleep - thank you x

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

 ❤

Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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seekinglight
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Posts: 150
From:
Registered: Mar 2014

posted November 04, 2014 07:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for seekinglight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by ikja:
I'm somewhat grateful that I have been abandoned by some people, because I have learned to stand on my own two feet and I know that I am strong enough to overcome some really sad times. Kind of like 'if I can get past losing XYZ, I can do anything'

The funny thing is, I used to think that I was running out of time when it came to making certain decisions and making movements. However, I realise now that time really is a beautiful thing because it forces you to be alone, to think and to take care of the wounds. I think the saddest thing becomes having to show the people you want to get to know the scars from the wounds. It's difficult, embarrassing and you get scared/nervous about how they will react.
Will unveiling your scars be a waste of time? Or will they be seen as beautiful?



Time is an illusion. Have you found yourself living too much in the past that there is little time for the present?

Wounds heal, scars fade and memories will become a distant. Your past is only a part of your story, but not the focal story. Conversations with new people would normally revolve around your present situations, would it be necessary to bring up the past? As relationships grow deeper, it is a choice to open up to the trusted ones, but do realize that their responses, good or bad, would merely be a projection of themselves and nothing to do with you.

Overtime, you would probably have lost the intensity (or negative emotional reactions) attached to the issue. It is kind of an acknowledgement that the event occurred, but no longer prone to dramatizing it to some victimization story that sought sympathy or heroic story of conquering some adversity that yearned of the admiration of others. It just is. Your old wound should not define or restrict who you are now.

The focus is instead on what's happening in your life now. As Mary Oliver asked in her poem, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

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Randall
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From: Saturn next to Charmainec
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posted November 05, 2014 10:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
By seeing the good that came from it.

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ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 225
From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 09, 2014 10:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
By seeing the good that came from it.

I think I am still waiting for the penny to drop here lol

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

 ❤

Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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ikja
Knowflake

Posts: 225
From: London, UK
Registered: Oct 2014

posted November 09, 2014 11:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ikja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by seekinglight:

Time is an illusion. Have you found yourself living too much in the past that there is little time for the present?

Wounds heal, scars fade and memories will become a distant. Your past is only a part of your story, but not the focal story. Conversations with new people would normally revolve around your present situations, would it be necessary to bring up the past? As relationships grow deeper, it is a choice to open up to the trusted ones, but do realize that their responses, good or bad, would merely be a projection of themselves and nothing to do with you.

Overtime, you would probably have lost the intensity (or negative emotional reactions) attached to the issue. It is kind of an acknowledgement that the event occurred, but no longer prone to dramatizing it to some victimization story that sought sympathy or heroic story of conquering some adversity that yearned of the admiration of others. It just is. Your old wound should not define or restrict who you are now.

The focus is instead on what's happening in your life now. As Mary Oliver asked in her poem, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"


You're right. An old wound should not define or restrict who you are in the present. Unfortunately, it really does take me a long time to let go of active feelings. I'd say up to 2 years typically. As much I want to heal things much quicker than that, strangely... it always seems to take much longer.

------------------
When in doubt, ask questions.

 ❤

Sun: ♊, Asc: ♏, Moon: ♈, Mars: ♈, Venus: ♉, Mercury: ♊, Jupiter: ♋

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teasel
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Posts: 6492
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 09, 2014 01:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
By seeing the good that came from it.

Nothing good came from the past few years. I think there are times when you just have to find a way to accept what happened.

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Randall
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From: Saturn next to Charmainec
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posted November 17, 2014 08:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I speak only for myself.

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Randall
Webmaster

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From: Saturn next to Charmainec
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posted November 24, 2014 09:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
If I'm not betrayed, I'm not accomplishing anything.

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