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Author Topic:   A Message To Anyone Looking To Avoid Meeting A Narcissist In The Future
vansio
Knowflake

Posts: 2880
From: the outskirts of Delphi
Registered: Dec 2017

posted June 24, 2022 04:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for vansio     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A Message To Anyone Looking To Avoid Meeting Narcissists In The Future
written by u/JosephSantosOfficial

(I'm glad so many of you found this post so helpful and truly shocked that these tactics aren't more well-known. I will be reaching out to other platforms as suggested by some of you here.)

I'd like to try and help you a little. I was up late with a lot on my mind because I recently reported a relative for child abuse and the investigation isn't going too smoothly right now since the abuser intimidated his child into staying quiet. While I'm organizing my thoughts, I wanted to contribute to helping people I know need what I have to say because someone's narcissism ruined my life as well.


I'm the son of a former Correctional Officer. I was taught at a young age to be aware of the manipulations that inmates and ex-cons tend to pull on people so I could distance myself from these kinds people at all costs. These tactics also happen to be the same kind of manipulative ones used by abusive narcissists to establish empty relationships with, and abuse women. I know this because dad would tell me about women with prison pen pals trying to sue the state for traumatic symptoms identical to your own. I have insight into how this kind of man thinks which I think you'll all find very useful.


Note that I'm going to be talking about the definitively abusive male so that you can understand how he thinks a little better. These are tactics that are used by lots of men whether they're abusive, a*sholes in general, or just kind of dense and think communicating with women requires some kind of disingenuous approach for whatever reason. If you notice some of these things being used when talking to men it doesn't necessarily mean he's potentially abusive. It may be that he is poorly informed on how to approach women and in need of better learning opportunities. However, some of this is inherently indecent to do to anyone.


On The Narcissist/Codependent Dynamics


Honestly, they just look for any one that will listen. Not just in women, but in everyone in their inner circle. They won't necessarily have a lot of friends that resemble their worst attributes. They will have things in common with their friends regardless of their different personalities but what you'll notice if you see these men with their friends is that they're surrounded by people who will listen and not question.


What this kind of guy doesn't want is anyone who criticizes, questions or otherwise challenges him on anything that he says. The last thing a guy like this wants is to be exposed. He doesn't morally disagree with anything he does to you, but he knows you disagree strongly with anything he does or would do to you. Anyone who he cannot manipulate into subscribing to his falsified stories is just ignored unless he hears something bad about that person. Then he'll say something to the effect of "I get that vibe from him" or "he seems like that kind of guy" to disparage that person. He's immediately disapproving of anyone who challenges his stories or otherwise puts him in a position to be honest. Dad used to tell me about how ex-cons always lie about their stories. If they assaulted someone, they just got with a bad crowd when they really did it for money. They say they stole to feed their wife and kids when they've never been married. They accidentally ran someone over in the middle of the night when it was actually 2pm without a cloud in the sky. As soon as you cast doubt on their stories, they get defensive and play the victim of supposedly unwarranted criticism. Anything to hide their real motives.


I'm bringing this up to highlight to you the importance of being a fact-checker when you interact with people in general. The more you can keep the people around you honest, the better your relationships will be, and you'll be a lot less likely to get yourself involved with people like this who tend to see others as a means to an end and nothing else.


I'm also bringing this up because of the common perception that this guy is looking for the most vulnerable among us to take control of, and I wanted to tackle that. Everyone is susceptible, even to a small degree. This is coming from a person who has always been called strong-minded and who grew up teaching friends how to spot fast-talk so they don't get conned by anyone. I could give a lecture on this, and I could make sense to you every step of the way, and you'll take it with you for a lifetime. I'm still at least mildly susceptible because being human means trusting others. We have nothing good in the world if we cannot trust or be trusted by others. There is nothing wrong with you because you found yourself trusting the wrong person. You are not to blame because someone took advantage of basic human decency. This is blaming the victim which is never the right thing to do.


On Appearances, Arrogance And Sensitive Egos


He firmly believes that women will let him get away with anything when she likes how you look. This isn't uncommon. Lots of men live by this, abusive or not.


It has been my observation that the more success any man has with women - success here meaning a lot of short-term relationships and other kinds of interactions - the more arrogant he tends to become, and loses his ability, or maybe even his desire to hide that arrogance. In the case of the one abusive narcissist I've witnessed, this is definitely true and there is no correcting him. If he gets what he wants, he knew he would get it. If he didn't, then he thinks she was just a difficult person anyway and wasn't worth his attention.

If you're any good at spotting arrogant personalities then this is your best chance at avoiding this type of person. He's loud, condescending, his body language is exaggerated, he walks like people should be moving for him, is difficult to make simple points to. The key to spotting this guy is his ego sensitivity. It will give him away sooner or later. One of the most important things dad taught me specifically about being a man is that male egos are real and very easy to exploit if he is had no consideration for this. You just have to know what sets him off. It's very easy to expose a man that has a sensitive ego, and dad taught me to never to be that guy.

Anyway, what you really want to look out for are signs of stress. Aggressive and unnecessarily competitive men, and men with sensitive egos, and abusive men are often stressed. They don't seem to understand that competing with other men for social dominance or just seeking to award themselves with high praise all the time will make them irritable and give them body language that's kind of easy to read if you know what you're looking at. More than that, they do have their own problems and carry that accumulated stress with them everywhere. A lot of times this happens because these men for whatever reason believe it's OK to embrace that anger. They may even do it without realizing it. Whatever his reasons for thinking as he does, he'll live by that sh*tty attitude that's actually stressing him out when he thinks it's empowering him. With an abusive male, he will never see his anger or ego as something that could be misplaced or that can work against him. He will believe he was exercising his right to be.

Look for signs of high stress when meeting anyone new.

Higher ego sensitivity often makes them very self-critical which will stress him out further. Possibly to the point where he misplaces his anger on people or objects. It's a given that the more sensitive his ego is, the harder it will be to feel satisfied with himself, and the easier he is to irritate because his expectations of himself will not always match reality. Similarly with aggression, your stress hormones can make you anxious, excessively alert and critical, sensitive to criticism, pessimistic, restless, and alter decision-making towards impulsive decisions with less regard to consequences if any. The longer he has lived that way, the harder it is to fight it.

Just like anyone else, they're not always good at hiding what they feel.

Someone like this believes he is entitled to that ego that works against him long-term and has to work hard to mitigate that stress. Anyone disrupting the peace of mind that comes with his grandiosity is wrong to do it. That's why any kind of exposure makes him irritated and he holds a grudge every time. There's a certain kind of reaction you can expect from someone entitled to unwarranted high praise who feels like he's not being perceived appropriately according to how he believes you need to perceive him. It's a reaction that is by no means appropriate to a normally reasonable person. Anyone who has been or has seen someone else who was personally offended knows this reaction. Now imagine that reaction over next to nothing. That's how delicate these egos really are. As much as survivors criticize themselves as vulnerable, I find this guy much more vulnerable, he's just not often if ever a target of attempted manipulation.


Something else you can do to help spot arrogant personalities is to study men online for superficial tones in their voice. Kinda like that guy waiting tables who's really trying to sell himself, or that telemarketer pretending to be nice, you'll notice there's a pitch in his voice that will sound like it's coming from the throat more than the gut. You can get more familiar with this tone by going on YouTube right now and comparing casual conversations among a room full of men, and then compare how men speak to their dates on dating shows. The more you see this the better. It won't take long to remember it once you've actually spotted the difference. Then your'e going to start hearing it a lot more. This is something that a lot of guys do, but this is also how abusive men try to seem approachable. It's what many of you know as superficial charm. So, abusive or just kinda dense, this is something you'll have to learn to spot.


Another thing you can look for in videos is faked smiles smiles. Usually the lower teeth aren't very visible when a smile is genuine. Now watch these guys when they're having fun with friends.


These men are trying to sell you confidence because they believe it's something you'll fall for every time. Let's go with that for one paragraph. To better help you distinguish the arrogant from the appropriately secure, you should understand that confidence is just a sense of security. Now ask yourself "why is he confident?" What is giving him that sense of security? Is he arrogant? Aggressive? Pretentious? Conceited? Low stress? Approachable and modest? Intelligent? Conscientious and openly well-meaning? Unconcerned with judgement from others? These are all things that make a person confident. When you're being approached by or meetings someone, you want to ask yourself what is making them confident and consider that it could be one of a number of things.

Do Not Answer Too Many Questions When First Meeting Him


Something dad taught me about inmates when he was a correctional officer. The inmates were allowed to have pen pals - which dad campaigned against persistently for the following reason. One of the tricks they pull on women when writing letters comes after they get her to admit to anything about themselves like hobbies, favorite films, musical tastes, and so on. This usually happens when she introduces herself. When the inmates write back, they say they have all the same interests and hobbies that she does just to establish an empty relationship. If the writer is a gay male then the inmates will say they're also gay even when it's not true.

Most of the time these men and women have very little in common. Most of the time the inmates are doing this to scam women into sending money to the him that either goes to himself for personal use inside prison, or they give that money to any wives or girlfriends they have that they'll say don't exist. A lot of those ex-cons will keep a list of those pen pals, move in with them, use these women how he sees fit until for some reason he can't do it anymore, and then move on to the next woman on his list.

Outside of prison, this tactic one step out of many they use to make people open up to them. It gets even worse when you open up about any experience with depression or anxiety because now they'll act like they've had their own experiences with these states of mind when they haven't.


They don't lean on this tactic too much. With experience, they learn when to individuate in order to keep people from being suspicious.


When you're talking to men, be aware of when you're answering too many questions about yourself, especially if he's answering questions as well but without saying anything too telling. Catch yourself and don't allow it to continue. The whole point of this strategy is to keep you talking while he looks for something he can use. He may even cut you off as soon as he hears something he can use just to quickly try and appeal to you on some kind of common ground. This exact tactic is why the one abusive narcissist that I know changed his religion with every new marriage. Even his history of religious practice changes. He has never once practiced any religion before his first marriage, or between any marriages.


You can catch someone in this act by making things up about yourself just to see what he says. This happens more than you think. If you find yourself lying about your personality but somehow having a lot in common with a total stranger then he's playing a game. If you played one sport, tell him you played another. Lie about your favorite color, food, movie, anything. Chances are that he's not going to have that much in common with you if you're lying about who you are. Imagine the odds of lying about yourself completely to a total stranger and having everything in common. Those odds are the same as two people coincidentally writing the same exact fictional novel word-for-word. You wouldn't and should not believe it. Keep in mind that he's arrogant and you're disposable to him. He isn't going to be upset if you catch him in a lie at first because he expects women to come and go, even the ones he marries and has kids with. Being so arrogant, he'll speak his mind. If your'e worried about seeming too confrontational, it's very easy to walk away from someone when you catch them lying like that. I've told female friends to do this before while at bars and they were always surprised to see how common this is.

You can also ask him to go into detail about things he says he does and doesn't like. One would expect that someone can give convincing details about anything they claim to have always been invested in. The amount of detail should be consistent with the amount of investment. If he's heavily invested in your interests then you know what kind of detail to expect from his answers. If there's anything you can check in reality then that's even better.

If you catch him doing this, pay close attention to his reactions. As I mentioned above, stress and ego sensitivity are necessarily correlating. He prides himself on pulling this trick off. He will be persistent at first. When he gets exposed, he won't know that you're figuring him out at first. He expects to outsmart you, and will try again. With repeated failures, you'll see some confusion in his face. He will try again and may even try to project the question on you by putting you in his position. He does that because he wants to avoid the question by making you answer for him. He will definitely lose patience with you when he sees that you're not giving in answering the question for him.

Exaggerates Perceived Flaws In Your Loved Ones To Isolate You


When you're sharing personal information with men you first meet, when you get to sharing anything about people in your life who may give you a hard time once in a while, be very mindful of how he responds. Look for any kind of unwarranted commentary even on a subtle level. They may listen to stories about other people you know for anything that can be exaggerated into something worse than than it really is, and make that person seem a lot worse than they actually are. This is done to isolate you from people you know that he disapproves of, which usually means any other men in your life even your relatives. At the same time this serves to protect the illusion that he's a decent person because he has you so focused on what may seem indecent from other people that you'll never stop to criticize a potential abuser. This is a preliminary step towards any potentially abusive relationship whether the abuser uses violence or just psychological abuse. He can't be himself if he has any potential critics or people posing as obstacles for any reason - that's why these men hate fact checkers. This tactic is a key reason why women in abusive relationships so often end up socially isolated with the exception of the abuser and possibly a few other people he approves of.


Here's an example of what this kind of conversation may look like. If you had an argument with your father, a potential abuser will say that your father doesn't actually respect you. At first you won't agree much if at all. You have another argument with dad, he'll say "see? I told you he doesn't respect you. He'll do it again. Watch." Every time you tell him you had an argument, he repeats that dad doesn't respect you and it gets stuck in your head. Eventually, because you're stressed out, you start to remember every argument you've ever had with your dad plus the fact that some a*shole said it's all because dad doesn't really respect you. In other words, your arguments with dad and some a*shole's repeated claims of disrespect become part of the same memory sooner or later. Without realizing it, you've given in and now you really believe your father is lacking respect for you even if that wasn't your opinion just a few weeks ago. You start to grow apart from dad and then eventually you just won't talk to him anymore. Someone who would be able to support you if he found out you were in an abusive relationship is suddenly gone. Abused women often see these former relationships as total failures instead of misunderstandings and that's part of the reason they won't reach out even when they're being beaten - plus the fact that in this case he may have convinced her that she's to blame.


It's not just personal problems with friends and family. It's any little thing, even if it's just minor habits your friends have that may or may not even bother you. Maybe it's just the way they dress, maybe it's the way they talk. Little things that shouldn't matter. He'll pick at those things just to make someone seem worse than they are. Eventually, if you really do get in an argument with friends then he knows that you're going to remember all those little points of criticism because he knows they add up over time. He knows the stress will get to your head and he knows he can make you see what he wants you to see from there. Anything that can come to mind as a point of criticism if you start struggling with your other relationships. He tactically disparages your loved ones until he seems like the only decent person you know.

Even if this potential abuser has some kind of bad habit in common with someone else you know, he'll say he does it for different reasons than the other person, then go on about how the other person is doing the same thing for the wrong reasons. For example, if he smokes or drinks, he just needs to lower stress once in a while but everyone else is a mess with no self-control. Same with anything that can be considered a bad habit.


Again, the point of this strategy is to keep attention away from him so you're not criticizing him at all, even when you first meet. When he's using this tactic, he knows when his word matters more than anyone else's after the first time he manages to convince you of anything disparaging he says about other people in your social circle. He soundly believes that if it works once that it will work again. He'll assume that you'll trust anything he says if he can get this done just once, and then he'll aim to remove anyone else in your social circle he disapproves of, which, again could be all of them. Sometimes other women are an exception if he's attracted to any of them.


This can also be done to aggravate other people in your life without you knowing. You know this as triangulating. It can play out like this: when you're not around, he seperately tells your mom and your sister that each of them said something about the other that wasn't actually true, but seemed very plausible for the other person to say, so it was convincing. After a while, they stop getting along. Then he'll tell his potential victim that she shouldn't talk to her family until they stop fighting when he's the one that started their fight.


Another example of blending truth and lies together so that their lie seems plausible, suppose one borrows money from the other. Maybe he'll say something like she spent that money on something else and will never pay it back. If that's plausible because you have someone in your family that doesn't pay money back, or because they don't spend money wisely then your family is gonna fight. Then from the fight, people are angry and now the money that was going to be repaid suddenly isn't going to be repaid anymore. The fight results in distrust and other consequences as a result of him lying.

If he is confronted about the conversations that started all these problems, he won't dare admit that he said or heard anything and he'll say that situation is not his business anyway to help distance himself from further accusations. Now that your family is fighting because of a seemingly plausible lie, he now has a reason to say you should stay away from them because they're too much trouble. He worked hard for that opportunity and he isn't going to let it slip away.


The only real countermeasure to this approach is to be aware of it and shut down conversation as soon as you catch him making any kind of unwarranted comments about people you care about. If you're already emotionally invested in this person, it's in your best interest to make him explain his perspective. If he doesn't have any valid explanations regarding these points of criticism that came up in conversation, it's only reasonable to assume that he's lacking decency for personal reasons be it that he's arrogant, conceited, snobbish, or anything questionable like that if he's so quick to be so firmly judgemental over little things. If he's possessive then he's isolating you so that he has as much control as possible. Long-term, he wants you to believe that he was right about everyone else and that he's the only good person you know. Remember that this is only possible if he thinks or sees that you will not, or do not criticize or critique him enough. This to him is a giveaway that you are too gullible for your own good.


Be Very Suspicious Of Any Language Open To Interpretation


Every abuse survivor has seen this and probably didn't know this was happening when she first met him. Inmates and ex-cons do this to their pen pals as a way of keeping women from knowing too much about themselves while gaining as much information on her as possible while saying as little as possible about themselves. It's meant to be done in such a way that they seem to be saying a lot when they really aren't saying anything at all.


Do not settle for imprecise language from anyone at all. If you go to the bank, you expect the teller to say exactly what you have in your account. You will not tolerate that person telling you what you should or may have in the account. You should expect the same precision from everyone you interact with without exception.


Ex-cons and other abusive men do this to get you to answer for them so they can just go with your answer, and maybe give a different one later if need be. If you tell them they lied, they say that they never gave that answer and that you spun their words. If you insist then they guilt trip you. If the guilt trip works then that's all they need to know. This is a step towards gaining an emotional advantage over someone.


Personally, I just don't talk to anyone male or female who can't commit to anything that they say. I never accept answers like it is what it is; things just didn't work out; just because; things just happen; it just is; or anything like that. People who lean heavily on words like would, could, and should? Same thing. Don't settle for it. If I can't get straight answers out of people when straight answers are expected, unless we're talking about something very personal to them, I won't settle for any language that later allows people to modify what they supposedly meant to say. It's just not language that I trust knowing what dad taught me . No one should trust that kind of wording. If you tolerate a little, they will expect you to tolerate a lot. I know this stance may run counter to what some here may believe about speaking in absolutes, but if you understand my analogy with the bank teller then you understand that some things are only to be stated absolutely.


I'll give another example using lesson from my dad. He taught me as a kid to only say what I mean so that I would keep myself honest and so people can know what to expect from me. He taught me that my word needs to mean something to myself as well as others, and if I thought something didn't need to be said then just be honest and tell people that you don't want to talk about it. I'm also not afraid to be wrong. Being a good person means being a learning person. You have to be able to learn as you go if you're going to be the best person that you can possibly be. Being a good person means knowing that you can be wrong, and that you have to do better from there. I have lived by all of that since childhood. The result is that people I do speak to have high expectations of me which I'm perfectly fine with. I can't understand why any morally guided person would object to the expectations of others when you know what it is that you really stand for. I'm honored to be around people who keep me honest while expecting me to keep them honest as well. My relationships with others are great largely for this reason. Yes, sometimes people have taken advantage of me for being so nice but I don't always care because at least it let's others know I'm a good person.


Now compare that to any sh*t-for-brains you've met who always had something to hide, even if it's the other women he's playing games with. Never wants women to know too much, case-by-case has a story ready in case he does get caught and it's always a lie to some degree. He doesn't like questions, he doesn't like giving straight answers - only receiving them.


A big one to look out for is avoiding questions. This is a bias in psychology called the red herring. It means that you only seem to answer a question by responding with information that a listener should mistakenly believe is relevant. For example, a friend of mine a long time ago got conned by a a guy she worked with. She was invited to party at his place. She asked him if he was still with his girlfriend and he said "come on, we're all adults here." She questioned him some more about whether their relationship had ended and he responded with "it is what it is." My friend took this to mean that he was behaving in an ethical way and would not be so irresponsible as to invite her over when he's still with someone else. Turns out he never broke up with that other woman. My friend called him out for lying and this guy said that he never actually lied, which is technically true. He just used common language that's easy to misinterpret. He said something that seemed like a relevant, sound answer to the real question as a way of avoiding the question.

Again, you know when you want a straight answer. Don't let anyone describe their position if it's not consistent with an expected answer. I.e. don't let him describe what women have done since women were allowed to vote when you're asking him if he believes women should be allowed to vote. You didn't ask him to explain what women have done for the America since being allowed to vote. You asked him the yes/no question should women be allowed to vote. If he's going to answer yes or no followed by an explanation then that's fine. Don't let him hint or imply an answer because chances are he wants you to fill that gaps for him if he has something to hide. If you fill that gap, then he'll just go along with your answer regardless of what he really believes. Don't give him that opportunity. If you do that to an abusive man, he will seem to hold all the same opinions you do even though he never stated flat out so what he believes. In short, he's doing this because he knows he can't get your trust and give an honest answer at the same time. The more important the question he's tactically avoiding, the worse the truth is. Same as when you catch yourself answering too many questions, he'll be persistent and will not expect you to understand what he's trying to do. It's the same solution to two distinct but related approaches used in attempt to con you into exposing some kind of vulnerability.

Listen For A Long List Of Liars In His Past

For good reason...

Almost everyone says their ex is crazy. For everyone here, that's a sign that he's the problem, not her. A much better indication that he's hiding his motives is how often he's surrounded by liars.

If you're a good person, the only good reason people lie about you is because you have dirt on them, meaning they need to protect themselves by defaming you. Now ask yourself why a good person always finds himself surrounded by people he has dirt on? Why is a good person always being defamed? If you're a good person then you don't need dirt on others to get along with them. This means the problem is him. If his ex-girlfriends and ex-wives all had habits of lying about him, then he's the problem. Don't just settle for him saying they were crazy. That doesn't tell you anything. This is a lot better than just letting him get away with saying the exes are crazy.

If he does say the ex spread lies about him a lot then get him to talk about those lies in detail with black-and-white answers to your questions. When he gets to talking about those lies, because you have all been through the abuse that you've lived through, you know what to expect from him if he's hiding something. If he's hiding something then what she says is going to be very similar to everything you said to others about your own abusive exes. Since you know what your ex said to others to hide how he treated you, you can use deductive reasoning to determine what he did to those women. He may even contradict something else he said without thinking about it. Just ask him to go into detail about those lies. The more he talks the better.

If he says she was crazy and that the relationship supposedly just ended, then revert back to everything I said about refusing to accept inconclusive and imprecise language. "Just because" or anything to that effect is not an answer you can accept. Just because is a guess, not an explanation. He didn't guess that a relationship ended.


On Gaslighting


Keep in mind this only works when he has some kind of emotional leverage against you.
This is everyone here's biggest concern. Again, have zero tolerance for imprecise language that does not come with a good explanation. If someone doesn't know something then that's fine if that's honest but with all that you have all been through, the last thing you should tolerate is any language open to interpretation. Keep him responsible for his own words, and make sure he says words that he can be held accountable for.


I know someone who did this to every wife he ever had, and he did it to his family. His speech pattern is just like the prayer on the side bar. He's very abusive and completely worthless. He never gave straight answers when you asked him for anything, but always wanted straight answers from others. It worked every single time because he only did it when he knew he had some kind of emotional leverage to his advantage. He did it to his own mom by using the grand kids as emotional leverage. When she did what he wanted, she got short visits. Otherwise, she was denied visits. Eventually she got the hint that she wasn't supposed to ask for anything, just earn it. She asked why he's like this and he said he does what he does because of her - it's not the truth but he stands by his fabricated story. If she didn't accept his story then he denied her any visits. She eventually just gave in and started taking the blame without even dividing it. None of this is possible without some kind of emotional leverage. If not for those grand kids, she wouldn't want anything to do with this guy even though she's his mom (so you know, I reported this guy for child abuse. He's currently under investigation by CPS).


There is no room for gaslighting when there is no emotional leverage against you. The point of this strategy is to take advantage of the instilled confusion and arbitrate an explanation to the confused person. It won't work without an emotional advantage against anyone because without that leverage, there is no incentive to compromise. There is no reason to be afraid of this when first meeting anyone. Nobody is that susceptible.


In Short


Your best defense to all of the above is to be the kind of woman he doesn't want, which is someone who keeps people honest. If you can check his claims in reality and keep him outside of his delusions of grandeur then he doesn't want you, no matter what else you have that he wants. Remember that he can't be himself if you can expose him. This is why I emphasized being a fact checker.

You don't have to be confrontational. All you need to do is be willing to say that he's not making sense to you based on your own understanding. Don't say you're wrong, say I can't agree with that. If you think he's lying, point out when the story stops adding up, and let him explain it. Stand by what you know to be true regardless of what he says, how he says it, or how many times he says it. Don't explain anything for him , not even the ramifications of saying yes or no. If you do then he can modify his story on the spot of he chooses to.


In Closing


This is all I can think of at the moment. If you have questions, I'm by my phone at all times looking for distractions. As said before, I reported someone for child abuse. The investigation isn't over but he wasn't locked up yet, so I'm still welcoming any distraction I can get right now. I could likely come up with more information if anyone asks the right questions. I'm happy to help.


Before I go, I want to say that what happened to any of you was inexcusable. There is never a reason to treat anyone the way that any of you were treated. There is no excuse for the results of someone else's lack of ethical standing. This is coming from someone who despite all that he has been through has always been called a strong-minded person. It pains me to see how often survivors of abuse call themselves weak when it just isn't true. Mental strength isn't what most people think it is. It has very little to do with what you feel. It's about how you think and how well you apply what you know. When people ask me what mental strength is, I tell them to think like a single mom, not like the biggest guy in the gym. Single moms hate how they feel every waking moment. They're exhausted, they're hurting, they have little to no opportunity to rest or even enjoy the benefit of sitting down with their own child after all that they've been through, but they wake up every day ready to do it all over again whether they like it or not. That's the sense of priority that most people are lacking. These are merits that held you up this far and something to be truly proud of. Don't listen to anyone who says they're strong all No one is strong all the time. Whatever it is that held you up as long as it did is something more valuable than anything that can be achieved just from being in a good mood, and is truly something for others to learn from. Anyone who says they're always strong is lying or mislead. I truly believe that all of you are strong enough to achieve what it is that you really want in life as long you never forget that you made it this far on whatever amount of strength that held you up for such a long time.

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vansio
Knowflake

Posts: 2880
From: the outskirts of Delphi
Registered: Dec 2017

posted June 24, 2022 05:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for vansio     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Part 2 - Recognizing and Avoiding Dangerous People http://narcissist-sociopath-awareness.com/recognizing-avoiding-dangerous-people/

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teasel
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posted June 25, 2022 03:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This reminds me of my brother-in-law, and someone who used to be here. I mentioned them in another thread.

Okay, edited out personal stuff. I wish I could sleep.

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vansio
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posted June 25, 2022 07:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for vansio     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sadly I also saw some of these telling signs in my last romantic affair, the high stress persona and open language, leading to eventual assault and gaslighting. And sadly, abuse tends to happen by those considered close to us.

I don’t care what modern society condones, from now on, I’m not going to sleep with anyone until three months into dating. Sex isn’t worth the trouble.


As the message states, because of knowing each other intimately, having any history, there was emotional leverage being used.

The link at the beginning of this thread is to the Reddit forum on r/NarcissistAbuse for anyone needing support.

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charlie
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posted June 28, 2022 02:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This was an excellent read!

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teasel
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posted June 28, 2022 04:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I remember you mentioning something about him.

I don't spend much time reading about influencers, but I've been unfollowing big accounts of rich people, who are just posting as though everything is normal and fine.

I saw a lot of people talking about a woman named Amber Lancaster, and that this man she was in love with, was dating at least eleven other women, cheating on her. Just like the sociopath mum was engaged to (he was seeing at least seven other women, behind her back). Since she posted, three more women have contacted her, and told her that he did the same thing to them. Just amazing.

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GalacticCoreExplosionV2
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posted June 30, 2022 10:26 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This seems to be good advice for dealing with men within the NPD spectrum, but somewhat fails with men within the ASPD spectrum.

That whole "high stress" thing, for example doesn't apply to them. Maybe this is mentioned in the 2nd link, but I haven't read that one yet.

I've noticed that women with higher empathy than the average, really have to guard/watch for being attracted to and/or attracting men within the NPD and ASPD spectrum's. Similar applies to men with women, but these are somewhat more rare/uncommon (for males to have higher than average empathy).

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Randall
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posted July 01, 2022 11:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Interesting.

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Randall
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posted July 22, 2022 11:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Great info.

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Randall
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posted September 10, 2022 03:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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Lexxigramer
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posted September 10, 2022 05:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Great information😎❤️
Those types of people prey on people
who care too !much and then
they use and abuse them and
control them in every way
that is possible😭🤬
It is better to be alone
than lonely with a
narcissistic control freak
who who will bleed you dry and
expects you to cater to their every
need and needy is an understatement
for them👽
Your needs mean nothing to them😭🤬
Rant over as I could go on forever
just about on my vast experiences of
caring too much about their needs
of allowing myself to be abused by these types👽

Padon any strange autofills and tyypos
Chemotherapy eyes wonking out at the
mmoment👽🕶️

------------------
Take a look at my
LexIgramming/LexAgramming Biography

Nearly 2/3 of a century to date of
LexAgramming
Lexperience!🔠✍️

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Lexxigramer
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posted September 10, 2022 05:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I posted similar article here but closed the thread👽
If anyone is interest I decided to
reopen it💙
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum27/HTML/002757.html

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