posted April 17, 2019 03:35 AM            

As i posted a end of march my dad passed away. At first i was able to distance myself a little bit from it becasue he passed on his terms, it was what he wanted and i know he was in such extreme pain. But recently my moms sister and brother in law visited- they invited me to go all places with them all week but my sister and i do not get along and my mom is i think full of hate for me.
So i thought even as much as i needed to have something like “family bonding” it would end badly and i didnt want my aunt and uncle to experience any drama. Last time my aunt came few years ago she broke my heart yelling at me calling me so many bad things. I figured i did not want my prescence to affect her either.

But they left today and all day i have been so much in pain. Crying non stop. I not only am sad that i missed out on memories made and perhaps bonding time, but also have been dreaming of my dad and now keep going over everything i could have done differently.
But, the thing is he hurt me as a child/teen and onwards and he never changed. It took all of my strength to be around him sometimes as i was his prey for so long and still i think he thought of me like that with his eyes and how he talked. I could never for instance hug or kiss him, not because i wouldnt have done so, but because every moment i felt what he did.
I wonder should i have never admitted to myself what happened- should i have told myself i was crazy he did nothing, etc. and just forever ignored his actions upon my life? Was it selfish of me to carry what he did to me in my physical body as i got older? I wonder if i should have just denied it to myself.

But he was my only dad, and i did love him. I wish i could have forgotten all that he had done to me and had a closer relationship with him at the end but for my own protection of my soul so hurt, i had to distance myself.
I guess i am reaching out to anyone here... i hope he knows that it pained me so much to distance myself and that i loved him so much. I did as much as i could. I wonder if he now acknowledges how he affected me and others. My hope for him was to be able to return in his afterlife in his child form and feel free and be innocent again. Listening to music, laughing, playing, being able to be a child.

I do not know what i believe about the afterlife but i do believe it exists. He was an abused child himself and dealt with much growing up so i always felt for him in that way. Though that did not excuse him from what he then did to me. But this burden it has been so heavy to carry for so long. And people on the outside think i am the worst daughter, because they only see what they perceive. My sister got all these messages from people and so many wonderful messages, and flowers . It hurts more than it seems. Seemingly nothing big but really messages from people, support from people like that it means everything and hurts when i am without becasue it makes me feel even as a worse daughter, like i should not even be here.

posted April 17, 2019 12:16 PM            

First, I am giving you a very
big hug of Love..as tears run
down the cheeks of our soul...

Really bad things happen, and
it's all about our actions
since our first human life..
What you suffered, was also
suffered by your Dad..

Forgive, do not forget, but
grieve and forgive, coming
full serpent circle, ending
that wheel of Karma...

Healing, cleansed in tears...

It's a new day, you've got this!
..and I'm here if you need to
talk. ...

posted April 23, 2019 02:01 AM            

I know those moments when things seem impossible. Do you have anyone around you can see for support? Just even someone to go on a walk with. I know it sounds simple, but we have to do those things. Please try and not to look too far ahead and be patient with yourself. I am struggling with a lot of self judgement everyday like you seem to be and it's not productive. It won't help you. Realize that everything will take time. If you are a person who needs to express then talk to someone, anyone regularly. I write and talk a lot lately, it feels negative because it's painful stuff I'm getting out but it's a necessity I imagine.

A piece of you feels like it is dying too. You will learn to feel whole again, but I've had those same thoughts like you lately.

posted April 27, 2019 05:24 PM            

My grandmother, father, and beloved cat have all died in the last several months, and only by spending a large chunk of my inheritance could I keep my mother from dying as well.

To top it off, I had to face some cruelty over it, from my father's family who didn't want me at the funeral of my father to a supposedly pious man trying to take advantage of my grief to rip me off of what I'd inherited (and screwing my extended family in the process out of business rivalry that his own family is into, and also caused my mom's death as a side effect, but he knows Jesus is obligated to forgive him of all his viciousness) by getting me to sign it away to him (good thing I didn't just sign it, and also had an uncle look it over as well who caught what the jerk was trying to do).

My emotional experiences aren't something I can put into words. There's love, anger, affection, and regret. I forgive, but can't forget, though it's the good memories that make the loss hurt so much. Sometimes I feel almost normal, and then when I'm alone I can break down in tears (even though I felt fine just a few minutes before), but then I always bounce back from that when someone else approaches. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do in the long run and more or less rolling with it as best I can day by day, week by week, month by month (but it does get better, if slowly). And all the while it hurts inside, more than I like to admit to myself and to others, perhaps even more than I realize.

Perhaps my being intensely busy (including with volunteer work) has been a way to avoid dealing with all of this. Perhaps it's good that I intend to make May a much less buy month (at least the last half of it).

My dad and I weren't especially close, and I doubt he loved me. He criminally neglected me (as in he could've been prosecuted for it) as well as make me think he was literally about to kill me more than once. Though at the same time he did stand up for me at times where most other parents would've ignored it at best. I know I've inherited my demented sense of humor from him, but that humor is what gets us through life, and keeps us laughing instead of crying. I know enough about him and his life (and when my mother was on the verge of death she told me a lot more about him) that I can't help but be sympathetic, and forgiving.

I went to his grave and mentally told him that if it mattered then I forgave him for everything and wished him peace, and maybe one day we could reunite (or not). It was a selfless love as I expected nothing in return, just his having peace. And so I suppose there really is such a thing as unconditional love.