posted February 26, 2018 11:19 PM
I don’t like myself and anyone that reminds me of me. That’s why I have so much hate in my heart but crave love. I don’t have a symmetrical face or body. I am severely bowlegged. I have a severe mental illness that I caused myself because I am stupid too. People notice now, because it’s gotten worst (the stupid). Everyday I tell myself that I want to die. But I’m so nuts..cause I’m tugged between that and feeling that that’s not what the bottom of my heart wants. The bottom of my heart is convinced that I am going to be able to love and to be loved one day. The bottom of my heart knows that it can express itself creatively. I do not want a daughter with the same hair, legs, body and big nose as me. I need to get with someone with good genes to make my children look good. My natural hair is so ugly because I’ve permed it too much eversince I was little. Because I did not think I was pretty enough with that short nappy hair. Everytime I stare in the mirror I don’t feel anything. Like I am looking at nothing. (Transit Neptune Opposing Ascendant) I am rotten at the core. I understand why white people used to think black people were an errror. (NOT THAT WE DESERVED ANY OF THE TREATMENT EVEN HAD WE BEEN AN ERROR). (yeah I am hard on myself, Moon in Cappy square Saturn in 8th) We don’t have good hair, our breasts aren’t healthy. This is just the truth for most of us. But all I want is to express myself creatively, from the bottom of my heart. For things to get better. To be chosen first with reason. To have strength to bear the meaning of my life when I find out what it is. I am scared sometimes that I will look in the mirror during the night and see a demon instead of my reflection. Because that’s what’s impeaching me to speak. Write, think, dance, sing, learn, remember, laugh. I have felt it. It is trying to end me, kill me by making me kill myself (Transiting Pluto Opposing Sun + Transiting Pluto Contra-Parallel Sun & Venus). I am not a good person. I have stolen a lot of things from people (Saturn in Taurus 8th House). I know that I have good aspects in my chart, (ex. Saturn Sextile Mars in Cancer just makes me an extra stubborn coward. I do NOT want to go at war, ever. I’ll die in my bedsheets first) but every good aspect just makes a badly aspected planet better at being bad. I am obsessed, all the time. Not even in love because I am not able to love. I can only hate, envy, crave and be negatively attached. (Transiting Pluto Inconjunct & Contra-Parallel Venus). I know it all starts within my own heart. But what to do when this very heart is possessed? I can’t even pray. I just forget what I’m praying about because of the stupid!! (Remember?)
You’re life isn’t that bad.
Plus it runs in the family. My mother’s been single for 17 years. And she’s not very smart either to me. She’s dedicated to the church like no one I’ve ever seen. Eversince before I was born. But we’re poor and have no one in our lives. Everyone talks **** about us. Guess what happened last year. She met someone and was about to finally get married when he died of a throat cancer.
Long story short all the women in my family are possessed with a spirit of failure that makes men run away or die. and I can’t pray to god because he hasen’t done anything for my mother who I can attest is his most faithful servent.
All I wanted was to express myself. Sorry about all the ugliness on your screen now. All I want is to express something beautiful but I have nothing beautiful in my life. No talent, inspiration or brains. So all I can do is make your timeline ugly too.
Davina
July 10 1998
10:16 AM
Montréal, Canada
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Lindaland
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posted February 26, 2018 11:19 PM