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yungang_grotto
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posted September 08, 2015 11:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
The composite South node with mr Virgo is way too heavy and that fact just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Somebody... Help...

:'( I took it way too far, as I was warned, and now I'm so deep in. It's all learning I guess. This ain't gonna be pretty. I wish we could figure it out but I'm beginning to realize how unhappy I'll be trying to figure it all out.

His Saturn and Pluto so close to our composite Scorpio South node, on our composite Scorpio ascendant, and both of our Scorpio ascendants just being themselves... way too much. I thought the north node on the 7th cusp in taurus was cute and dreamy and attainable enough but maybe what's attainable is realizing what we DON'T want...

my vesta and stuff on that ascendant isn't helping...

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 08, 2015 11:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
His Sun on my south node and his true osc lilith on my north node is a pretty kettle of fish.

Also, I realized that although we have that lovely chariklo north node conjunction in synastry touching our composite chiron.... The chariklo in my chart is afflicted, squares and such.

I'm not completely giving up the ghost, I need a balanced Outlook and some help here, if anyone can offer any guidance 'twould be much appreciated.

We've been on the road all month, !÷) hence my absence on here. Lota of good time lots of heavy times.

Thing is... I spent my inheritance on a property in Manitoba thinking we will live there and make a go of it and he'll help me.. And my daughter is looking to him as a father figure... And all the safe fuzzies of the virgo South node-sun conjunction...

and my darned 12H Venus hanging out with our composite 12H sun Mercury moon thing...

It's crazy. It's beautiful but I don't want to spend my life in a South node Scorpio conjunxt saturn ascendant hell hole, ya know??

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 08, 2015 11:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I feel like a big f^&*-up already so go easy on me. If you look at the progressed composite of our meeting you'll see I couldn't really avoid this... vertex juno conjunction.

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Bluejay
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posted September 09, 2015 12:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluejay     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh noooo! I'm sorry to hear that you're having doubts. I was one of the naysayers in your early excitement. It wasn't to kill your buzz, I just know that it's difficult for reality to live up to the initial rush of a new dreamy love. That's the thing with Neptune/12th house in natal and synastry, once the reality sets in, the relationship loses some of the otherworldly glow. Without even dissecting the charts, I can offer the advice to appreciate the relationship for it's strengths, but don't expect it to be the absolute ideal. If you do, you will always end up disappointed.

On a side note, were you at Burning Man? I thought about you today when I saw a clip about it on tv(not to sound creepy) and I thought that's where you've been.

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 09, 2015 01:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was at a rainbow gathering. It was great. Edit: wonderful and gorgeous many friends made, looots of Neptune in the air, making me question my dependable heavy friend here, who after all is the one who brought me there...

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 09, 2015 01:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

There is a lot of positivity in our synastry and composite but the closest synastric aspect is that pluto Mars square... And the composite south node is just so heavy, so much challenge. I'm grateful for the karmic resolution/learning opportunity.. but overwhelmed. Any advice at all would be hella welcome. We can't seem to get off one another's hides. The heavy Virgo in my chart is really at play. Wondering with my 12h venus and POF/Juno/South Node messing around in the 10th if i should really leave this kind of relationship behind in this lifetime... Do i really need him? Want him? I appreciate the companionship... And Skymates vol ii says a composite 7th house North node means it's time to learn to relate instead of being strong and going off on our own... But with that South node on both our ascendants and his Saturn there I'm mighty confused. I can never find enough clear info about composite 7th house--and i don't fully understand composite South node. Any insights?

Once again, then, the charts.. This is late at night and without my entering all the most lovely asteroids.. (it copy n pasted above despite my efforts at effective formatting)..


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yungang_grotto
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posted September 09, 2015 01:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't know if i really expect the ideal. The moon/Neptune conjunction in my chart is in capricorn and I take crumbs and keep plodding... I guess I stay in bad situations hoping for the best at times.. But maybe in my heart of heart I'm seeking unattainable perfection on this plane... And must transcend it for any lasting peace.. I'm just rambling, drove 7 hours today..

I was thinking our 12h composite stuff, if properly managed, could really do great things. We are ruthlessly honest with each other. Having trouble reigning in my stinger today.

We have lots of complementary characteristics where planning and visioning and organizing are concerned, and this land I bought could be amazing... But I bought it during venus retrograde! Haaa... Oh man. Stakes are way high at the moment.

And it's our composite Saturn return right now. I'm feelin it, let me tell ya.

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 09, 2015 02:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
^^^ I totally did expect/want/see the ideal. I came down way back though, this isn't the first wake up call still, I'm worried. Not as torn up as I have been about past break ups/potentials strangely... unsure if that's actually in the cards.... Looking at things like every fight is the be all end all but I yelled myself hoarse in the car today and while I thrive on a bit of tension and fighting is kinda part of who I am, I don't wanna live like that. I have mars related challenges, let's say... With a mars square saturn and mars square Uranus natally... as well as a wide moon/Neptune-mars square...

And there's his mars on both of our MCs for all to see, squaring my intimate Pluto, embarrassing for me...

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 09, 2015 02:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
From another thread...

"
Composite South Node in the 1st House and North Node in the 7th House – You have shared many lifecycles together where you often faced times where you were forced to take decisive actions in some area of your lives. Because your actions have often affected others as well, you as a couple have somewhat self-contained so that others wouldn’t see your internal struggles. Which is not to say that you weren’t genuine with others, its just that they never say the inner struggles you went through in making your decisions for action. In some of your past lifecycles, the two of you being strong individuals chose to go your separate ways rather than make the types of compromises that are needed in a complete relationship. You may have even been rivals or even enemies. Regardless of which relationship it was, it has created a certain tension that you feel in this lifecycle. In this lifecycle you have chosen to be together, and must develop the trust and commitment that you were unable to do in the past. There are things that can only be achieved through your being together as one, not separate individuals. That is the relationships quest in this lifecycle. The other planetary locations and aspects will indicate how you can go about accomplishing that in this lifecycle."

I do feel like there are things we can only accomplish together and I shouldn't force a break up. I'm just feeling really challenged right now and see so much potential in myself for peace and happiness... And I don't know if I need the heavy critical Virgo energy dominating so hard... And that Saturn... Maybe I do though. Sigh.

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 09, 2015 02:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I wanna make note (like a broken record, because the Virgo South node will have me looking at worst case scenarios despite my idealism) of the composite kite pointing to the north node on the 7th house cusp. One friend of mine said the planets at the other end of the kite lend energy/fuel to the direction of the kite--in this case the north node. I would appreciate ya'll telling me honestly how this all looks to you.

I think I'm taking for granted how secure and emotionally satisfied I actually do feel within this relationship--even though it's awful it is still better than any of my past relationships, more grounded, with so much in common. Jay feeling the burn and the hardship today really hard... I post impulsively, as a rule... Thank you for reading ... Love... Good night.. means a lot to me to be able to come on here and get my thoughts out... <3 Thank you

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Aubyanne
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posted September 09, 2015 01:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aubyanne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yun, have you ever seen his dark side?

I mean really, really seen his dark side?

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 09, 2015 05:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
He says he has only seen his own twice...

It is a good question. We've been pretty harsh with one another but I don't know. I know I have a significant dark side.

It is worth noting that we continue to be honest and genial and wound up lovingly cuddling last night.. Today we are more calm and joking and talking about anger management courses lol... ehh blagh.

Also iq has identified him as a very likely karmic soulmate of mine, and some of what he says about our past karma resonates deeply with me. On some level I think I've definitely experienced his dark side..

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Aubyanne
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posted September 09, 2015 07:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aubyanne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by yungang_grotto:
He says he has only seen his own twice...

It is a good question. We've been pretty harsh with one another but I don't know. I know I have a significant dark side.

It is worth noting that we continue to be honest and genial and wound up lovingly cuddling last night.. Today we are more calm and joking and talking about anger management courses lol... ehh blagh.

Also iq has identified him as a very likely karmic soulmate of mine, and some of what he says about our past karma resonates deeply with me. On some level I think I've definitely experienced his dark side..


That's what I was thinking, too. I ask because of how certain transits recently activated some very expertly buried things during the tVENUSRx which surfaced over the course of the weekend for my twin and I. Good God!

Ultimately, we got to get a taste of each other's darkest and most destructive capabilities for the first time not scripted. It was horrendous. Kicked up a lot of ego dust, and I had to find the depths of my core strength. It's changed me. I've been able to be strong enough for us both to weather the sudden storm -- even though the clouds had been building on the horizon for years. We so deftly protected one another from the worst versions of ourselves, and our most dangerous traits. This weekend was open warfare, and it was devastating.

I suppose we both needed to experience -- even embody -- our shadow selves in the wake of this karmic activation transit.

It's one thing to be with someone who's completely incapable of ego-driven destruction; who, for one reason or another, cannot do harm to another in service to their own selfish needs or desires. It's another when you know that they can and they actively choose not to out of love and respect for you, and your union.

Not to mention, the ... well, let me think how to best put this. Sexuality is dark. It harbours all of the complicated things we disown in our conscious experience, becoming the repository for negative emotions and dangerous passions.

I've been extrapolating upon Freud recently, as a result of some of our more intense experiences; a further investigation of his proposed Eros (desire for relationship and bonding) and Thanatos or 'death instinct' drives. We've been exploring the nature of orgasm, and why it became known to the French as le petit mort -- the 'little death', of course. So, Thanatos -- the death drive -- is what seeks to destroy, and especially itself.

But I've come to argue that, if Eros is diametrically opposed by ego, which constantly threatens to subdue it, then, rather than Thanatos be its natural 'enemy', Thanatos might be the state which prepares one for Eros. In other words, we must first be destroyed before we are truly open and able to be loved -- and to love.

Man, that pVENUS conjunct pPLUTO/PLUTO is real, isn't it?

But in all honesty, it jibes with my own experience where the libido contains two major aspects -- one which closely resembles Eros -- the drive to create, merge, and bond; and Thanatos -- which seeks annihilation: both of self and other.

Ahhh! See? That's the uncomfortable part we don't want to think about when it comes to sex. We want to conveniently ignore that, in the process of achieving such a 'little death' that something brought it about -- or someone.

Aren't you glad you've got a couple of crazy asexuals interested enough in sex and in love with each other to undergo such mad practises?

In short, don't run from the dark side. I think a part of him melted -- possibly completely -- when he realised I still loved the hideous and 'unlovable' monstrosity behind the mask.

Seems I'm finally making use of that crazy Scorpio stellium of mine. And the PLUTO-SUN. And the PLUTO parallel the ASC. And the -- oh, sod it. I'm a Plutonian. And so is he, with that 8H SUN of his. Ohhh, lord, is he.

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Bluejay
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posted September 09, 2015 09:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluejay     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by yungang_grotto:
I was at a rainbow gathering. It was great. Edit: wonderful and gorgeous many friends made, looots of Neptune in the air, making me question my dependable heavy friend here, who after all is the one who brought me there...

Hehe, sounds like fun! Well I had a feeling that you were at a hippie festival. I'm able to pick up on the energy of certain people on LL, I guess you're one of them. It looks like your Mercury, Pluto and Sun conjunct my Mercury, Sun and Uranus in that order. Plus your Moon/Neptune sextile my Mercury, and my 8th house Moon/Pluto falls in your 12th.


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Bluejay
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posted September 10, 2015 09:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluejay     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You have some really good aspects in your synastry. It sounds like your Mars/Mercury DW harsh aspects are causing some communication issues. When arguments arise it's difficult to not react in an aggressive way towards one another. Throw in that tight square to your Pluto, and an argument might feel like an all out war, and potentially turn violent. I can speak from experience. I never saw any signs of violence from my ex, until after 5 years together he choked me during a minor argument. In 14 years I only saw that side of him a few times, but it was very scary. He was never able, until recently, to take responsibility for his actions.

The fact that you're already willing to go to counseling shows that you are both committed to addressing communication issues in a mature way. Learning how to properly resolve issues and fight fair will help prevent you from causing long term damage to your relationship. In your other thread I had mentioned that my ex would bury his head in the sand, and that was a huge part of the problem. He preferred to pretend like it never even happened, and I couldn't accept that. It seems like the two of you are willing to face problems head on, so that's a good sign.

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Bluejay
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posted September 10, 2015 09:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluejay     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@Aubyanne, did you read my comments in your Dr. Who thread from a few days ago?

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 10, 2015 11:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aubyanne:
That's what I was thinking, too. I ask because of how certain transits recently activated some very expertly buried things during the tVENUSRx which surfaced over the course of the weekend for my twin and I. Good God!

Ultimately, we got to get a taste of each other's darkest and most destructive capabilities for the first time not scripted. It was horrendous. Kicked up a lot of ego dust, and I had to find the depths of my core strength. It's changed me. I've been able to be strong enough for us both to weather the sudden storm -- even though the clouds had been building on the horizon for years. We so deftly protected one another from the worst versions of ourselves, and our most dangerous traits. This weekend was open warfare, and it was devastating.

I suppose we both needed to experience -- even embody -- our shadow selves in the wake of this karmic activation transit.

It's one thing to be with someone who's completely incapable of ego-driven destruction; who, for one reason or another, cannot do harm to another in service to their own selfish needs or desires. It's another when you know that they can and they actively choose not to out of love and respect for you, and your union.

Not to mention, the ... well, let me think how to best put this. Sexuality is dark. It harbours all of the complicated things we disown in our conscious experience, becoming the repository for negative emotions and dangerous passions.

I've been extrapolating upon Freud recently, as a result of some of our more intense experiences; a further investigation of his proposed Eros (desire for relationship and bonding) and Thanatos or 'death instinct' drives. We've been exploring the nature of orgasm, and why it became known to the French as le petit mort -- the 'little death', of course. So, Thanatos -- the death drive -- is what seeks to destroy, and especially itself.

But I've come to argue that, if Eros is diametrically opposed by ego, which constantly threatens to subdue it, then, rather than Thanatos be its natural 'enemy', Thanatos might be the state which prepares one for Eros. In other words, we must first be destroyed before we are truly open and able to be loved -- and to love.

Man, that pVENUS conjunct pPLUTO/PLUTO is real, isn't it?

But in all honesty, it jibes with my own experience where the libido contains two major aspects -- one which closely resembles Eros -- the drive to create, merge, and bond; and Thanatos -- which seeks annihilation: both of self [b]and other.

Ahhh! See? That's the uncomfortable part we don't want to think about when it comes to sex. We want to conveniently ignore that, in the process of achieving such a 'little death' that something brought it about -- or someone.

Aren't you glad you've got a couple of crazy asexuals interested enough in sex and in love with each other to undergo such mad practises?

In short, don't run from the dark side. I think a part of him melted -- possibly completely -- when he realised I still loved the hideous and 'unlovable' monstrosity behind the mask.

Seems I'm finally making use of that crazy Scorpio stellium of mine. And the PLUTO-SUN. And the PLUTO parallel the ASC. And the -- oh, sod it. I'm a Plutonian. And so is he, with that 8H SUN of his. Ohhh, lord, is he.[/B]


Good to make use of the heavy Scorpio! Why get out of our depths, after all? ...

I hear you on le petit mort front... I'm confronting the ways in which sexual/committed relationship involve the death of possibilities as well as the many little inches, through orgasm, towards bodily death and also transcendence of the separate self--there are so many ways of looking at it.

Right now I'm questioning/mourning because... I was so happy with my quiet life... I like spending long periods in silence, breathing.. I was really benefiting by taoist practices and ancient texts advising limiting ones behavior in order to enhance/preserve life force... I wonder if this relationship can support and enhance these things.

It seems like being with him is forcing accountability to certain earthly projects which I would likely otherwise shirk in favour of breathing quietly by myself somewhere... This land project, for instance, which stands to possibly benefit lots of people. .. But hard work is on the horizon, no doubt-see our composite Sun Saturn semu-square...

With my natal hard aspects to Saturn and Mars in certainly used to the energy and I guess the only way out is through. It's probably a gift; I need to learn to control it--who else is gonna stick by me and confront me with it?

I'm just tempted to walk away from it all and go the blissful route. Maybe there isn't any.

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 10, 2015 11:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Bluejay:
You have some really good aspects in your synastry. It sounds like your Mars/Mercury DW harsh aspects are causing some communication issues. When arguments arise it's difficult to not react in an aggressive way towards one another. Throw in that tight square to your Pluto, and an argument might feel like an all out war, and potentially turn violent. I can speak from experience. I never saw any signs of violence from my ex, until after 5 years together he choked me during a minor argument. In 14 years I only saw that side of him a few times, but it was very scary. He was never able, until recently, to take responsibility for his actions.

The fact that you're already willing to go to counseling shows that you are both committed to addressing communication issues in a mature way. Learning how to properly resolve issues and fight fair will help prevent you from causing long term damage to your relationship. In your other thread I had mentioned that my ex would bury his head in the sand, and that was a huge part of the problem. He preferred to pretend like it never even happened, and I couldn't accept that. It seems like the two of you are willing to face problems head on, so that's a good sign.


Yeah the Mercury d/w is huge. My Saturn also squaring his Mercury, just for fun.. And yeah that Pluto Mars square... We are at war about once daily. It's very intense and constantly shifting. It's truly amazing that we can gofrom
screaming to planning the future calmly to joking to cuddling in a span of 6 hours... yeeesh.

I worry that as hosts at this land project--if we make it that far--we're going to be off our rockers! ... But I think somehow we're still a good team. What were those good aspects again?

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 10, 2015 11:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I remember now your story, Bluejay--it sounds pretty dicey. It's next to impossible to deal with a person who just won't own up. No, it IS impossible. That happened inmy last relationship. When they make the choice (is it a choice?) to hide, and deny, and fabricate, the relationship gets gangrene fast...

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 10, 2015 11:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Bluejay:
Hehe, sounds like fun! Well I had a feeling that you were at a hippie festival. I'm able to pick up on the energy of certain people on LL, I guess you're one of them. It looks like your Mercury, Pluto and Sun conjunct my Mercury, Sun and Uranus in that order. Plus your Moon/Neptune sextile my Mercury, and my 8th house Moon/Pluto falls in your 12th.


ooo your Uranus conjunct my Sun! That's fun.. heehee... And I love that Mercury/Pluto, it is nice that you have Sun/Mercury there.... Nice comfy spot to watch the world from imo... That's how I see that part of Scorpio for some reason, privately... Call me crazy... heh.

Yeah my moon/Neptune... needed your Mercury's help... lol. Me, pig-headed--the Mars square Saturn/Uranus again...

The Moon/Pluto-what degree, i wonder...

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Bluejay
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posted September 11, 2015 01:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluejay     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by yungang_grotto:
I remember now your story, Bluejay--it sounds pretty dicey. It's next to impossible to deal with a person who just won't own up. No, it IS impossible. That happened inmy last relationship. When they make the choice (is it a choice?) to hide, and deny, and fabricate, the relationship gets gangrene fast...

Yeah, I can't stand when a person will not own their behavior. He grew up in an abusive home, where explosive verbal and violent physical fights were the norm. His parents have been married for 45 years, and they have never dealt with these issues. It's their dirty little secret, and they act as if it doesn't happen. I had a really hard time biting my tongue, because I cannot play pretend with them, and ignore their behavior. Their level of denial is astonishing to witness. It's extremely dysfunctional, and he has never seen a healthy example of how to deal with disagreements. He has lived his whole life swearing he would never become like his parents, but witnessing such abuse has long lasting effects. His parents energy is really toxic, and has literally made me physically ill before. Actually his mom was visiting from out of town the night he choked me. She was staying with us in the next room. That was not a coincidence, since she does carry a very dark energy. Any time that I would press him to take ownership, he would say that my actions led to him attacking me. In other words, I deserved it. In actuality, he cannot accept that he has the ability to be such a monster.

He's been dating a new girl for a year now, though they've been off and on since February. It's forced him to face a lot of his issues, and he's finally accepting responsibity for his abusive tendencies. He actually admitted to longtime friends of ours the other day(that have never seen his dark side) that he can be crazy. This was in response to my Capricorn friend asking why such a nice guy attracts these crazy women . With all of my Scorpio and 8th house in my chart, I can be very intense to say the least. I've known this Cappy friend for 15 years, and I've never seen her display anything resembling an emotion, so I'm an enigma to her. He told our friends that they only see what he wants them to see, and that he can be cruel behind closed doors. Spoken like a true AC conjunct Pluto. That was a huge breakthrough for him, because before he never would've said that. He's feeling really guilty for the way that he treated me. It's helped me to move on and heal from a lot of the past hurts. It's just too bad that he couldn't have realized that sooner.

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Bluejay
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posted September 11, 2015 01:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluejay     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by yungang_grotto:
ooo your Uranus conjunct my Sun! That's fun.. heehee... And I love that Mercury/Pluto, it is nice that you have Sun/Mercury there.... Nice comfy spot to watch the world from imo... That's how I see that part of Scorpio for some reason, privately... Call me crazy... heh.

Yeah my moon/Neptune... needed your Mercury's help... lol. Me, pig-headed--the Mars square Saturn/Uranus again...

The Moon/Pluto-what degree, i wonder...


21/22

Your comments about reserving energy and breath work sound like what I do. Most people just call it laziness . They just don't get it.

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 11, 2015 01:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Non-ado!

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yungang_grotto
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posted September 11, 2015 01:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yungang_grotto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Pretty near my Venus, then. *shinnnes* lol... yeesh.

You'd fit right in at the hippie festival! We know all about the laziness--I mean enlightened breathing.

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Aubyanne
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posted September 11, 2015 03:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aubyanne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Bluejay:
@Aubyanne, did you read my comments in your Dr. Who thread from a few days ago?

I did, and Blue, I wanted to say something here, but then I thought, nah, I'll just update there. And it became VERY crazy here.

You hit upon a lot, which I want to give the attention -- and response -- that it deserves. I've been on my phone a lot lately, and this is the sort which requires a good half hour at the keyboard.

I very much appreciated all of it. And so MUCH happened in the past week, it's almost dizzying! I promise to update very soon.

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