posted January 21, 2004 01:42 PM              

I moved your post over here and maybe others will chime in on a similar note.

Pixelpixie's post is quoted as follows:

"Gloria~ You aren't implying that my fourth house is 'jinxed' too, are you?
Well, my home life experience can be summed up in that I am a water sign..... but with fire ascendent and earth moon....
My emotional reaction is usually the first one, so I find memories are tainted by the state of my emotions. I intellecualize things quite a bit now, in an effort to work through it. But I do find most memories coloured by my outlook...not that anyone can look back at things objectively, as if reading a book. Um, okay, I am a rambler, so here goes.....
My dad (Scorpio) and my mom (Capricorn), and by the way, how fittting that I have a cappy moon. Had a magical relationship for many years, then along came my brother(Capricorn), and then me. My dad resented that my mom wasn't devoting herself to him anymore, therefore started acting like a child himself. ( Obviously, this is from my mother's perspective, lol!) They separated when I was around two and a half. She worked really hard to try to establish herself and feed her kids, etc, working two and three jobs....She even took some college courses in an attempt to make things easier/better.
We saw my dad most weekends, he moved alot, it seemed,also finding new sales jobs constantly....He is a natural charmer, can sell anything... ( Libra asc/moon.) He was a lot of fun.... on drives, we'd play fun kid games and listen to the "Dr. Demento show". I had the best times in his car....to and from.....
We moved only about three times, and I never really cared, I have always been excited about new experiences...we stayed in the same city though. I was very close to my cousins and extended family....we were all around the same age.As my dad started progressively dating and expanding his world, less and less of it involved us. I remember vividly, he had a live in girlfriend, who I liked, and I thought she liked me too. Her mother was going through some healh problems, and she was stressed, so one night, when my brother and I were staying the weekend, they were arguing, and I heard her say..." Those F**ing kids...this and that, I wish they weren't here, She is such a little b***** " I was shocked, as I really thought she liked me, and I couldn't remember being a ***** to her.
But that marked the beginning of the end of childhood's innocent bliss, as I realized we hadn't seen my dad in quite a while before that, and after..... In a sense, he chose her. [by the way, this is cathartic, I am glad you asked me, I am purging] I was around thirteen, my sense of myself in relationship to the world, burgeoning.. that is the worst time to be w/out your dad. So, as a result, I was too promiscuous, my energies scattered, clinging to a need to know myself and I hung on to a great deal of grief and confusion...but then what young woman doesn't.
I saw my self worth later... it was too late, but my experiences lead me to where I had to be, right>? And I mostly like myself.
I had my son at eighteen. I lived on and off with his daddy, in cities all over my province, trying to get it together, find my purpose, other than to embrace motherhood with all I had. As far as houses go, I was always comfortable wherever, as long as I had a few comforts, like my journals to write in, books etc... I always made friends, and tried to be involved and active. I was depressed for a while, away from my family and hometown, isolated with no one to just visit and feel that connectedness somewhere other than the surface.
I moved several times, and finally severed ties ( tried to) with my babe's daddy. I moved out on my own, but still minutes from my mom's house. The next few years were the best. I met wonderful people, got more into astrology, I felt I was building a new me that I really liked. She was kind, artistic, loving and fun, not afraid to speak up, but also not speak down to..people. I could play anywhere... in malls, in parks, I was a great fun-mom. I met wonderful men and friends, with my confidence. I truly embraced my ability to be charming, and wanted, but instead of giving my body, I gave my friendship ( Okay, sometimes my body, too!) I forged some great friendships that still endure.
I haven't lead a sheltered life... it has mostly been on my terms... I haven't spoken much about my mom..... But, we have an interesting relationship. Now that I am a mom, I see how hard it is to make certain decisions, to be a certain way, but I alsoi see what is important. I can't exactly fault her, as she wasn't lazy at all,but some of the decisions I made, in my childish haste, she accepted, and there is no way I would do the same mistakes with my kids. I am the boss. That's it. I am fun, and flexible, but some things you DO NOT flex on, until they are old enough to make educated decisions. I will not smoke pot with my kids, I will not allow their prospective boy/girl-friends live in my house, nor sleep in their bed. If they need braces, they get them, if they need anything they get it. If they *want* something, we will talk about it.... Certain things I have not forgiven her for.... she is so selfless for others, but not for me... it is maddening because she never sees it. So as long as we don't delve too deeply, we are okay. But if something is mentioned, it opens everything!!!!!! She has a tendancy to change history, as she sees fit, which drives me crazy!!! Sorry, this is now a rant.. and a long one at that!!!
My dad and I get along great now. He is regretfull, and is now happily involved in a relationshp that is great for him, with two kids from her previous marriage, who we all love.
I heard that mothers and sons have a smothering- I'll do anything- relationship, and will stay at home forever, while women and their mothers', usually there are major clashes and power struggles. This is true. I moved out constantly, was never home, we had a love/hate thing. On one hand, I thought she was "cool", on the other, I felt I was missing out on something I saw in other households... I had to discipline myself, and I never have been much good at it!
S'okay, we all hold that little person inside of us, who is regretful for their actions, and sometimes you have to take that little-girl suit, knock the dust off, wear it for a few hours, purge it, ( you can dance on it first!) fold it into a small triangle, and try to fit it quietly back in again."

posted January 21, 2004 01:49 PM              

Not sure if you're 4th is jinxed. When I realized a strange pattern in mine, I wondered if it held a key to a mystery. Knowflake Lilith is helping me sort some things out regarding the 3 lilith's, so I'll eventually know more.

I've always had this feeling, and have said to others, that I feel like a black star!! As if I'm shining, yet no one can see me. Leo and Lilith?

But you & I have gone through similar experiences, except I dare say, mine has been even worse...

I'll write more in a minute

.gloria

posted January 21, 2004 02:02 PM              

It's imperative that I surround myself with good energetic people who can deal with a weirdo like me. Not sure if it's where I live or fate or, as they say, there are no coincidences. I'm not feeling like I'm CONNECTING to anyone.

Mean time, the years go flying by. Now I'm 42 and well... although liked by people and so forth... don't know how to make the "connection", so I'm alone...

Blah blah blah

.gloria

posted January 21, 2004 10:43 PM              

Now THAT was deep...

My heart is in my throat...

So you DO know how I feel. It's not enough to be a child of the universe. You wanna roll around in the mud with the other pigs once in a while...

I feel like such an earthbound misfit.