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Author Topic:   Update
virgo
unregistered
posted February 07, 2004 02:29 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ok, I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I've only been on this board for a week and already I feel like I'm complaing too much.
I'm feeling worse than before. I tired not to be hard on myself today and I think I was even more harder.
I feel so empty and alone.
I have no one to talk to..They all seem too busy or have their own problems to worry about.I dont want to ask for help and waste anyones time.
I think I just expect them to know that I'm upset. I dont know. I have this thing where I dont want to ask people for anything..ask them for something..or borrow anything...
*sigh*
My friend told me why I'm complaing and that hurt me..cause I really try not to.
And I didnt think I was either..but I guess I was.
I was just saying how our cheerleading group is not going to be ready tomorrow for the compatition. Wer not perfect yet and I wanted to stay longer tonight and practice but everyone left instead.. and she said why I'm complaining cause if wer not confident than its our fault. The thing is its not really my fault cause I go to every practice and some people dont show up and that messes up the group. and it hurts when she says its "OUR" fault because i tried my best....well..maybe not my bestest..but...I tried to do as much as I can with people being away.
So ya..I stoped talking to her just now cause I dont want to be complaining anymore...
I'm just upset with everything.
I got into a big fight with my dad...cause of his stupid carpet.
*sigh*
i dont know what to do anymore.
I feel shitty....and I have to hide everything..and pertend to be happy...especially tomorrow cause I have the compation...
I just..blah...
I'm gonna stop talking now.......

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pixelpixie
Newflake

Posts: 8
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 07, 2004 03:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I feel like stroking your hair and whispering "Everything is going to be all right in the world...."

Relax. You can post here whenever you need to, if it makes you feel relieved temporarily. Listen to others, listen to yourself....and when I say this, I don't mean the negativity, I mean the real self, struggling against the chains you've put her in... free her, and listen before her voice is so tiny you can't hear it anymore.
You are not the ill-conceived perceptions you are forcing yourself to be, you are beyond this. Realize it. You will be great tomorrow..... Believe in yourself.

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noreenz
unregistered
posted February 08, 2004 01:45 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Dear Miss Virgo,

I wrote you a long comment yesterday and apparently I had my password wrong so it totally got wiped out. Anyways, I have to tell you that when I read your words I can't help but smile, I think from now on I'll just refer to you as "Mini-me" I too am Virgo but at least twice your age. I feel your pain. I wish I could put my hands on your shoulders and look you straight in the eyes and tell you "I PROMISE everything will be alright -trust me.
But I can't so the next best thing is to offer words of wisdom, thinking back over the years as to what helped ME. In one of your letters you mentioned you were shy. In my mid-20's I became a mail carrier which taught to be come out of my shell. Hold your chin up, look at people in the eyes, greet them first, smile....don't be afraid to talk to people. Seldom will you meet resistance, instead what you will find is that in a very short time you will build confidence in yourself, you will shine. People will be attracted to you, most will want to be your friend. Virgos have alot to offer in friendships, YOU have alot to offer. Re: self esteem---a friend stopped over unannounced once, I profusely apologized at the condition of my house, because it wasn't perfect. She could so see that I was beside myself and then she simply said "Aw, don't worry about it, a messy house is like an ATTITUDE, everyone has one, once in awhile". Totally put me at ease. My point is that when you are having a bad hair day, feeling fat, unliked, unloved or you think that everyone is staring at that pimple...remember, EVERYONE has one once in awhile. Learn to laugh with yourself, at yourself and be less critical of yourself, you will become much happier. I know, easier said than done...do me a favor and try, you will see I am right, I promise. Continue to write, even start a journal, vent...we need to. We think toooo much....and when we write, we tend to write too much, but that is who we are, so what'cha gonna do? This is hard to write, cuz my first "reply" was sooo much better, hate to repeat myself. So many have offered help to you, listen to them, there is good stuff there......especially when "Picaua?" said something about Virgos getting better with age or something like that-LIKE THAT, lol. So Miss Mini-me, try to smile more, even if it hurts, laugh more, even if it hurts and in time, you will see that you shine. TRUST ME, when I say, it will all be ok. Also, I honestly think that because of the emotions you are experiencing now, you become a stronger person, you'll see. I turned out okay. No, actually I turned out pretty damn good and so will you.

I feel your pain, been there done that. Read what PixelPixie wrote again, stop and think about what she is saying. We can be very complicated people, which is a good thing.

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virgo
unregistered
posted February 11, 2004 09:19 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't think I felt so low before. Its just getting worse everyday now. I used to think I was ugly and everything..but now I just hate myself. I hate being me, I hate everything bout me. I'm starting to see all this bad things about me that I never noticed before or I did and I just denyed it.
I'm this cold, evil, ***** .
I don't like myself anymore and I don't know what to do...
I realized I only help people if I can get something out of it. Like I'll help out someone if I could feel better bout myself..or if it will benifet me in the short or long term...or if there is just somethign I can get out of this. I don't help people for no reason..
I mean I think maybe there is this one time where i sent a christmas card to this person..and put a lot of work and effort into it...and I think the only reason i did was to cheer him up cause he was going through some bad time..And thats the only unselfish thing I think I have done.
I'm not sweet, I'm not nice, or caring...or i dont know. or whatever people think of me.
If I tell someone this they will be like "omg no yes you are blah blah"
But I'm not cause they dont know.
I hide things so ofcourse there not gonna know..But I'm me and I know what I'm like..and I know what I hide and what I don't.
And I think I avoided this all long...Now I see it. I'm a bad person.
I just hate myself now.
I dont really have anything to live for..
The only thing I ever look forward to is my dance rehearsals and performing..
I always **** everything up..
I screwed things up with my guy friend..
I was being really rude to him last night..just picking at everything he did..cause I was talking to him online..and I was really down...and he said he will be back..and he took like half an hour and i was so mad I left a msg and told him i got tired of waiting and im leaving..and he told me that was really rude..and i didnt care..and i wanted to say something back..
but since we were talking online, I actually took a mintue to think bout what i was gonna say so I just apologized.
But I was really cranky through the whole conversation and he stoped talking to me so i just left.
I feel like crying but I cant...
people are always around me and i have no privacy.
I feel like I'm dying inside...and I might just not be able to take it anymore.
I feel so empty and lonley I dont know what I can do...
I'm starting to make a big deal out of everything...I'm over analyzing everything...everything someone dose..what they say to me..and i make a big deal out of it.
I just wanna die...

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astro junkie
unregistered
posted February 11, 2004 10:11 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Virgo -

I've wanted to "die" many times. But do you realize that what you are really saying is that you want to "live" a way better life? You KNOW that's true!

The judgements you've made on yourself have absolutely NO power. Judgements about yourself and about others have no real power at all. Even if you hurt someone by being judgemental towards them, it only has as much power as that person gives it.

You assume no one is interested in liking you or loving you. I bet that's the thing everyone is trying to do! Deep down in our hearts, we all want to love other people. YOU even want to love other people right?

If you didn't you wouldn't feel this pain.

I understand your circumstances may not allow you to live independently as you'd like. But the universe is NOT going to reward you based on "traits" or "labels". You are energy. We are all energy. We all have positive and negative energy inside us.

Just be responsible with it. That is all. Realizing things about us we never realized before is a good thing in that we've become AWARE of it. That's a good thing!

That means you are on the verge of making things better. So you may be sad because you know something is ending, but you should also be relieved that you're making more room for more good things...

with love & support,

.gloria

------------------
it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness...

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pixelpixie
Newflake

Posts: 8
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 12, 2004 12:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Gloria has covered it all with that greatly insightful post!
It's funny, I read you think nothing like a scorpio, and you said you had alot in your chart... then I read what you'd written, and thought I saw very definate signs of the same angst I feel at times. We have all been low... why else would country songs ever get so popular? Why else would commercials make you cry? Or cards... quite the market there.
We are human...driven by our egos. WPeople learning wisdom try to pin down thje influence of ego and move beyond it.. Live for others as you would like yourself.. But frankly, I wouldn't want others to always live for other people and not themselves.. People need egos in order to thrive in this world.... granted, some could use grounding! Please don't think that you are selfishly motivated or evil... first of all, if you were evil, you wouldn't feel guilt or pain through admitting this....
Secondly, my dear, you are exceptional, but you are NORMAL!!! PLease realize that even though others may not say it, they feel the same things you do.. I wrote in my journal last week, that I wondered what motivated me to help others? Was it the thrill of putting myself out there and gaining Karma? (selfish) Or was it so people would like me? (selfish)Was it...blah blah blah... Bottom line, we help for our own reasons, which change all the time, but the help is there, and that is what counts.
You need to turn the selfish feelings you have into a positive.. self preservation... find that self in you and give her air....


Please post ten things you love about yourself.. start with five.... Do It!!!
But.... don't you dare follow it up with excuses or turmoil or apologies... No one will think you vain or shallow or anything, we will all celebrate this person who has come to share, and embrace the thread of kindness running through you. No Judgements!!! Especially from you!!!!

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virgo
unregistered
posted February 12, 2004 02:19 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
10 things I like about me? Thats hard..I dont know...uh....ok I'll try

1.Somtimes I like my eyes when I'm not tired or upset..cause there big and shiney and i have really long lashes and i always get complaiments on them

2. My body...Its the only thing I never really critized. I'm comfortable with it and my weight..and I always get complaiments on how fit I am

3. I like how determined I am when it comes to peforming and I do it even tho my parents are aganist it and nobody belives I can do a good job

4. I like how I'm not afaird to rebel aganist my family and their religion and have the guts to do things the oppoiste of what they want and what the think is right.

I dont think there is anything else.....
I'm thinking....

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virgo
unregistered
posted February 12, 2004 02:21 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
and this is kinda off topic..but i would appreciate if someone helped with me with natal chart..i made a post bout it.
Im nothing like a scorpio or gemini..i might have some gemini traits...but..i dont really see anything else...

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pixelpixie
Newflake

Posts: 8
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 12, 2004 08:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Virgo~

10 things I like about me? Thats hard..I dont know...uh....ok I'll try
1.Somtimes I like my eyes when I'm not tired or upset.. cause there big and shiney and i have really long lashes and i always get complaiments on them

2. My body...Its the only thing I never really critized. I'm comfortable with it and my weight..and I always get complaiments on how fit I am

3. I like how determined I am when it comes to peforming and I do it even tho my parents are aganist it and nobody belives I can do a good job
More reason to prove yourself! I am sure that it is just your perception.. nobody tells you what you want to hear all the time...and you did say that after performing, everyone was very pleased. You can't fake that, you really can't.

4. I like how I'm not afaird to rebel aganist my family and their religion and have the guts to do things the oppoiste of what they want and what the think is right. Independent speech rocks!

I dont think there is anything else.....
I'm thinking....
Think some more, sweets.. you'll find tonnes.
I have taken it upon myself to highlight/ itallicize the areas you need to address. Namely, turn off the critisism. Be aware that even though you may be perceptive, and believe you see what others don't necessarily say, sometimes it is only your projected fears coming back to you. Not other's actual feelings. Be aware of your own wonderful, unique traits, and carry them around with you like a shimmering, gossamyr veil you wear around yourself, warding off negativity. Project your positives, instead of your negatives.

Let's hear some more, please!

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noreenz
unregistered
posted February 12, 2004 12:44 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Pixlepixie-you're awesome! You remind me soo much of my best friend, although he is a Scorpion male. Through the years, we've learned that he can say in 15 words or less what it would take me 1500 words (Virgo thing) to say. Anyways, I admire your spirit, you glow.

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virgo
unregistered
posted February 12, 2004 05:23 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
there isnt anything else actually...
thanks for trying to help..but i dont think its working...

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noreenz
unregistered
posted February 12, 2004 06:31 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
AM I THE ONLY DORK WHO MESSES UP ON THE CASE SENSITIVE PASSWORD, TYPES THE POST AND THEN LOOSES IT????!!!! dang it! lol

Let me give it another go:

Virgo,

Did I read in an earlier post that you are graduating this year? If so, that is HUGE!
Do you think this depression has anything to do with that? There is so much going on in your senior year, alot of uncertainties, friends going every which way, decisions to be made, expectations, not to mention all the social functions you are required to attend. "I" went into depression when my oldest graduated a couple years ago. Unlike you, I didn't even realize it until the doctor said, "How come you gained 7 lbs., what is going on with you?" Totally lost it, uncontrollable crying....had no idea. I still give him a bad time for making me cry. haha

Can you talk to your parents, namely your mom?

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virgo
unregistered
posted February 13, 2004 12:42 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No!!! nevermind! my stupid parents and my whole family is the reason why im so depressed....

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pixelpixie
Newflake

Posts: 8
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 13, 2004 01:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you Noreenz. I like your advice too. Comes from a good place.
Funny, the last time I saw my doctor, I did the same thing... she touched on something and it really affected me. I started bawling.... I guess I needed a safe place to let it out, and figured, well, if she can give me an internal and a flu shot, she can watch me cry without judgement. It was quite healing, and proved to me that some get into the medical profession because of the healing energy and a true desire to help. Which is inspiring, to say the least.
Btw~ This winter, i have been building on changes that have been in me for a long time, and I have gained about 10 pounds. I am not impressed, so I joined a gym this week. YAY!!!! I can't wait!

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