posted August 30, 2004 03:23 PM              

ARIES March 21 - April 19
Loudmouth Mercury has you telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That Taylor is a total hottie!” It’s time to come clean about stuff you’ve been trying to hide. “Yes, I did treat the bagel delivery hottie to lunch, but it was just a platonic thing. No tongues were involved, I promise.” “Okay, so I’ve been collecting lederhosen and taking yodelling lessons. Wanna make something of it?”

TAURUS April 20 - May 20
It’s time to do some creative brainstorming. Experimental Uranus is advising you to start coloring outside the lines. Don’t stick to what’s tried and true. Dare to upset the apple cart. Craig Kilborn is quitting CBS’ Late Late Show in spite of lucrative offers to renew his contract. He says that he craves new adventures behind the camera. Like Kilborn, you’ll want to change how you’re interacting with the public. Cultivate a different image. A sultry voice, a perkier hairstyle, or some tortoiseshell glasses might do the trick. Just call you Kennedy.

GEMINI May 21 - June 21
Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer wants to renounce his U.S. citizenship, but there’s no need for you to take such drastic action. As Mercury prepares to move out of retrograde, you’re champing at the bit, eager for a big change. It might take another week before the path is completely clear. In the meantime, avoid chewing your own arm off out of sheer frustration. Focus on stress management. Limit yourself to one espresso per day instead of six. Adopt a helpful Seinfeld mantra. “Serenity now!”

CANCER June 22 - July 22
Like actress Diane Lane secretly marrying longtime honey Josh Brolin, you’re ready to become cozy with somebody special. Maybe you’ll finally make extra room in your medicine cabinet for your honey’s toothbrush. Or you’ll vow to date your current sweetheart exclusively (that is, until your sexy ex comes calling in the middle of the night.) At the very least, you’re willing to keep an open mind about being a stepparent to Buzz, your partner’s smelly bulldog. “Buzz! What did you do in my shoes? Bad boy!”

LEO July 23 - August 22
You’re having an Alien vs. Predator week. A battle you’re involved with seems pretty pointless, yet you’re still throwing out poisonous venom or using your laser guns against this imagined foe. When will you realize that your enemy is simply a mirror of yourself? You’re both grumpy creatures from a foreign world, and this planet is not a comfortable place for you. The full moon is urging you to find common ground. Team up against a force you both oppose. Get a posse together and go kick Alf’s ass.

VIRGO August 23 - September 22
You were inspired when the 20-year-old Nicky Hilton married 33-year-old money manager Todd Andrew Meister in Las Vegas. (See, young people are capable of making real commitments! For a few weeks, at least.) Venus is inspiring you to do something bold in your own personal life. Perhaps Britney Spears will shell out big bucks for your engagement ring. (She had to buy her own. Why not yours?) Maybe you’ll serenade your honey with a tribute you’ve written for her. “Cellulite’s So Sexy.” She’ll be moved to tears. (Or acts of violence.)

LIBRA September 23 - October 22
Your intuition is stronger than ever thanks to Neptune’s psychic vibes. Somehow, you just know that you’re not going to receive an invitation to speak at the Republican National Convention. (It was that “Shave the Wales” campaign that got you into trouble. Either that, or it was the petition you signed supporting mandatory back waxing for fuzzy sunbathers.) And your secret spidey sense tells you that the 9th season of Survivor is going to suck, big-time. Pretty soon, we’ll be calling you “Swami Libra.”

SCORPIO October 23 - November 21
Tread carefully this week, or your words could get you in trouble. For instance, if you’re obsessed with Michael Douglas, it’s best not to threaten his luscious wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones, in a letter. (For some reason, the words “We are going to slice her up like meat on a bone and feed her to the dogs” were interpreted as a threat.) If you don’t have funds to hire a legal defense team, then avoid expressing those dark emotions. Mercury is advising you to exorcise demons through a healthy session of aerobics instead.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 - December 21
As Pluto finally goes direct in your sign, you’ll feel that a long cycle is coming to completion. Fred Savage recently married his childhood friend, real estate agent Jennifer Stone. You, too, may find yourself deeply tied to the past. Maybe you’ll donate a million dollars to your old elementary school. (Yeah, right. Ten bucks, maybe.) Or perhaps you’ll look up Bobby Booger, the kid you made fun of in fifth grade, and offer an apology. (As if Sagittarians know how to apologize.)

CAPRICORN December 22 - January 19
You’re in a highly-disciplined and focused state of mind, thanks to clear-headed Jupiter. Like swimmer Michael Phelps winning a gazillion medals in Athens, you’re at the top of your game now. Nobody can stop you as you go for the gold. Well, maybe an Australian named Thorpe might throw you for a temporary loop, but you’ll soon recover. You still need to iron out some details about your latest plan to take over the world, but before long, everyone will be living in The Capricorn Zone.

AQUARIUS January 20 - February 18
Something unusual is entering the mix. Fellow Aquarian Oprah was recently called to sit on a jury for a murder trial, which wasn’t exactly on her fall broadcast schedule. You, too, may have to make a few adjustments as the full moon kicks up some surprises. The living by-product of a college sperm donation might show up on your door-step, demanding lunch money. (“Hi, Daddy!”) A former flame could post video of your sensual escapades on the Internet, charging curious visitors $20 per view. The plot thickens.

PISCES February 19 - March 20
These days, you’re wondering what you really want to be when you grow up. P. Diddy was booed off the stage at two clubs in Ibiza, Spain, when he stood up to do some impromptu rapping. Like him, you could be questioning your current choice of profession. “Why don’t they like me?” The sun is inspiring you to make some key decisions that will affect your long-term future. The planets support a big shift in direction. If you really want to become a llama wrangler, a yak breeder, or a weasel hustler, go for it.