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Author
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Topic: Me and My Dad/Am I Going Mad Re:My Career?
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ariestiger
unregistered
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posted October 10, 2004 10:24 PM
 
Last month I got in touch with my dad again, whom I had hardly talked to for 5, 6 years, ever since my parents split up. I had won an award, and had not been able to refrain from thinking, all through the competition, how I was doing certain things in the same way that he might have done them.
I so wanted him to be proud of me. Mr. Aqua pressed me to arrange a meeting and I took along several portfolios of my art and photographs. I felt strong enough to deal with my father now. I really wanted to show him how I had changed, and hoped to impress him.
I do scientific and natural history illustrations, and if I'm being honest, have a job making a living from what I do. But I won't do anything else, because - I CAN'T actually do anything else. My Dad has a lot of Taurus influence - 4 planets = materialistic tendencies. His first comments were:
"Making any money yet?"
"Yeah, but your paintings are too technical, aren't they?"
"Too complicated. Go for something simple."
"Have a look at Jack Vettriano's work. Take some inspiration from him." (Says the Grand Authority on Art)
"You'll never make any money doing this."
Ugh, brutal. I know Aries men have a reputation for being crass, BUT...
Dad...(Philistine)I thought, really, you don't need to be so hard on me, you are MUCH harder on me than you are on yourself - or on my mother, who refused point-blank to work all her married life. The point is, do I deserve this? Dad...you took tons of risks, you still do, you were made bankrupt at least once. Actually, you are highly arrogant - and you and my mother are both incredibly rude to people. There's no other word for it. It's just RUDE.
Dad, pleeeese...back me up, can't you? Why do you seem to enjoy knocking me down all the time? I'm asking you questions about yourself, I'm trying to be interested in you, in your early life, in your side of the family, Mother never was, I'm trying to see if there's more to you than just superficial small talk. I am under the impression that you're not good at verbalising your feelings. (Your vocabulary should be better, but it isn't.)
Why are you so dismissive of me? Is it because I'm an artist? Why are you talking about your partner's children to me? Oh, I know, it's because the daughter's into horses and the sons are into speedboats and I was never into any of that. I don't want to know about them. I don't want to meet them, they are nothing to do with me. How do you expect me to react to your talking about them? What do you expect me to SAY?
Dad, I am going through my portfolio, making you aware of my achievements and prizes so far, going through my sales spiel that I go through to everyone. I am trying to convince you that I am worth backing. But I get the feeling, as I so often have...that it's like talking to a brick wall. Not blowing my own trumpet here, but you lack sophistication of thought. You're not quite as bad as Mother, but you just don't understand refinement and COMPLEXITY and anything that is out of the ordinary. That is why you have both said to me over the years: "Why do you always have to be so different? Why can't you be like everybody else? Why can't you copy what everyone else is doing?"
As if!!!
So, Dad, please tell me: How can I please you? Can I please you? Ever? No, don't answer, I get the feeling that my best will never be enough. Even if the whole world acknowledged me...would you? What did you want a child for? As a possession that you could brag about to other people? Okay, I know you're impatient with me. You can't understand how this child that tested with a high IQ, and whom you showed off about ad infinitum, can grow up into a weirdo adult who can't make a decent living. But THAT was your own fault - for bragging in the first place.
Dad, don't be brutal with me. This is why I'm fielding brittle comments back at you, to do with YOUR business. (I secretly hope they hurt you as much as your comments hurt me.) I really hate having to do this, and it shouldn't have to be necessary.
I have recorded a CD of my music and would like to send it to you. But I really don't care to hear your opinion of it. Do what you like with it, it's a gift. I wouldn't bother pushing it the way of Mr Aqua or Mother, they both think my music is cr*p anyway, but they are tone-deaf, whereas you have a musical ear and an ability to appreciate something other than the nice, safe harmonies of continuous Mozart or Abba. Perhaps it may touch your emotions more than my art does...
I love you, Dad, this is why it hurts so much to hear you say the things you do. And you love me. I put my head on your shoulder and you stroked my hair with tears in your eyes. Why do you have to make things so difficult? Why are you snapping and on the defensive? I am not trying to threaten you. God, but you do look awful, though. That woman can't look after you enough. You need to take more pride in your appearance, and, for God's sake, wear something at least approaching smart for work, rather than a tatty old T-shirt and jeans fom the charity shop, that are totally inappropriate for your line of work. Your taste in clothes is atrocious. At least Mother dressed you well.
(Okay, breather here, folks...just venting...Do I sound too sorry for myself??? I've actually realised I do sound a bit hard on HIM...but that is just my reaction to his crassness).Seriously, though, I am wondering whether my father has a point in some respects. Re: my career, I thrive on specializing in fields or subjects that not many people would touch. I have even invented a concept that I am currently trying to market. I do part-time teaching and like teaching obscure subjects, but because of the demographics of where I live (mainly retired people) there is not much demand for those sorts of courses. You would think that people would enjoy studying or even just listening to something different from the norm, but they just don't. I gave a talk the other night and the audience were really wary of me. The Chairman of the club it was at said it "wasn't what they expected" and I said, well, what did you expect? He said, oh, what I was talking about might probably have been of interest in London, but not here, a more general treatment of the subject matter would have been preferable.
Now I am increasingly getting these types of comments. One woman at the art class I teach looked at my work one day and said: "It's too slick -too detailed - too good".
TOO GOOD? How can anything be TOO GOOD??? I was talking to Mr Aqua about this, saying, I feel I'm going loony, I'm trying to offer all this stuff that no-one wants, and he said, there's probably nothing wrong with your subject-matter, it's the audience that's wrong, and also, even if they understand what you're on about (if you're not talking over their heads, that is), they don't see the point of your being interested in, or offering, what you're offering; your treatment of things is too cerebral.
(Oh, come on, I thought, do I have to spoon-feed these people? Surely they must have sufficient grey matter to grasp what I'm on about? It's not THAT difficult!!! Actually, I've found that the thing most people like best is being told what to do. Facts rank lower, whilst teaching in a way that encourages people to think for themselves ranks lowest of all. (But the latter produces the best results - in all but the very least able students)) Looming in the back of my mind is the possibility of a move at some point. I love where I live, but there are just no opportunities for expansion, it is a rural area. I don't think Mr. Aqua wants to move...although that may depend very much on whether he receives a certain job offer. He is feeling the strain too.
Sometimes I could really do with some sympathy from him. I know it sounds pathetic and weak to ask for sympathy, but I have just become so used to not getting it from him. He will give a balanced assessment of the situation, which is all very well and good, but I could really do with some sort of emotional input. He, too, asks why I can't be "like everybody else" and why I can't paint cows in fields, because that's what people want. The fact is, it would be me and about 101 other people, and where would my identity be? In any case, I have tried that kind of "commercial" tack in the past, and it didn't work. I think the only way for me to ultimately achieve something - not necessarily in monetary terms - is to create something UNIQUE. And I need someone who can sympathise with that view. I hadn't actually cried properly for ages before tonight, but thinking about everything, I just bawled for a couple of minutes. Please, I thought, won't someone support me morally? I looked at the forecast horoscope on Astrodienst and that seemed to be pretty sh*t for the next few months, my outer planets are all doing strange things. - Ah well, I thought, it's only a stupid horoscope!
I have this real need to meet someone like-minded. My husband and in-laws think my amateur scientific interests are a joke and snigger about them. But I couldn't care less. I belong to a club that meets up every so often, which I enjoy and feel at home in, and can exchange ideas at. I feel I need to move on, meet people who are maybe specialists in their fields...people who like CREATING art, music etc., not just CONSUMING it...people who like delving into things in depth... AJ, you were saying about looking inside oneself...believe me, I have been doing that for a long time now.
I also have this need to travel. Since I got married I haven't been out of the country, and my husband and I haven't been on holiday once (that's in 6 years).
In a strange sort of way I feel my husband is holding me back in all sorts of ways. In some ways he has been good for me, but his lack of emotion is rubbing off on me, making me ino a hard woman. It helps me cope, but I don't like having to be that way. I think probably the only thing that currently keeps me moderately sane is counselling. I can thoroughly recommend it.
Okay, rant over. Thank you for listening,
AriesTiger IP: Logged |
astro junkie
unregistered
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posted October 11, 2004 02:36 AM
Well, I dealt with the same pessimism ok? To the point where it began to appear to me as a disease running through the family that I wanted no part of. So I've removed myself.You're never going to change their mind, and you may never get the acknowledgement and approval your inner child seeks. So the next step to keep yourself strong and sane is to begin to realize, you are no longer a child. And harder yet is to realize that whatever progress you make towards emotional independence is NOT something that you'll ultimately expect parental approval for. Try to reach for that.  IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted October 11, 2004 04:40 AM
No, I know I'll never change their minds. I'm reminded of the saying that certain characteristics become more pronounced with age. After 2 hours with my dad, I thought, I'm glad I haven't done this too often. He still doesn't believe that he or my mother did anything wrong AT ALL. Well, it usually takes two...or more...
I do get approval from other artists and through my clubs, and I see that as a step in the right direction. I am glad that I can offer them something, as there is clearly nothing I can offer either of my parents.
Mr Aqua always says I try to make people like me through my work - that I think that by being accomplished I will gain people's approval. I know this is something I do in a big way...let's say it partly fills the gap in my social skills...but, more importantly, I AM my work. I am indivisible from my product.
People are always pretty shocked when I mention that I don't talk to my family, being under the impression that I "should". To satisfy whom, or what? I ask. THEIR egos, because it's their opinion. My husband and in-laws are always urging me to talk to my parents, even though they know it is extremely difficult for me. (Do they do this deliberately - do they get off on seeing me put myself through it?) My father even insinuated that I should make some effort towards talking to my mother. Hell, I never want to talk to that woman again as long as I live. People don't realize how thoughtless and rather hurtful forever trying to make me talk to someone I don't really like very much can be. No, it's not a good idea to talk to my family, as I find I am usually the whipping-boy for their negative emotions, expected to give endless sympathy, love and affection and expected to behave perfectly, more important, PASSIVELY - whilst being given - you're right, AJ - "pessimism" in return.
Naturally we gravitate towards those who bring us joy. So I think I will focus on those people, and cultivate something better for myself. S*d the rest!IP: Logged |
astro junkie
unregistered
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posted October 11, 2004 10:03 AM
Well -Just remember that no one really knows, or is really expected to understand your personal choices here. And you are not under any obligation to try to explain to anyone. Just say you're taking a vacation from them for a while, and leave it at that. You don't have to tell them it's more like a leave. It's just the "appropriate" thing to say to someone, you know, the whole rant about how you should always respect your parents. But remember, the older folks did not have the luxury of "finding themselves" - we do. Run with it and don't look back. Have a nice long conversation with your higher source (God) and make sure your heart is pure and sincere. That's it. Wish your family love and understanding, but in your powerful prayers to "the One" who knows your heart and soul inside-out. ------------------
... it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness IP: Logged |
Aphrodite
unregistered
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posted October 11, 2004 10:31 AM
Hi AriesTiger,I'm sorry to hear about the troubles with your Dad. For the most part, it seems your Dad's issue is mostly him judging the degree of your challenges. Aries thrives on challenge. It's stimulation and requires immense amounts of courage. The Taurus side to him wants at the very least, the ease of getting 3 square meals a day and the bills paid. As a corny way of putting it, you could be working as a Janitor and Taurus would be happy with that because you'll be supporting yourself with minimum risk of losing the ground beneath your feet. What are your planetary placements?   Aphrodite IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Newflake Posts: 8
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 11, 2004 02:38 PM
I enjoyed reading your rant. Thank you for sharing.  IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted October 13, 2004 04:11 PM
It was an unusually long rant, for me - but absolutely necessary!
Hi Aphrodite,
My aspects are as follows:
Virgo Ascendant
Sun and Mercury in Aries, 8th House
Moon, Venus and Jupiter in Pisces, 6th House (Moon and Venus almost exactly conjunct)
Mars and Saturn in Gemini, 10th House
(almost exactly conjunct - whoa, double whammy - I think in a previous thread on Saturn and fatherhood, Pidaua commented, "Wow, what timing")
Uranus in Libra, 2nd House
Neptune in Sag, 3rd House
Pluto in Libra, 1st House
Sun SXT Mars and Saturn, Sun OPP Uranus, Moon CJ Venus and Jupiter, Moon SQ Neptune, Moon OPP Asc, Merc TR Neptune, Venus CJ Jupiter, Venus SQ Neptune, Venus OPP Asc, Mars CJ Saturn, Mars TR Uranus, Mars SQ Pluto, Jupiter SQ Neptune, Saturn TR Uranus, Saturn SQ Pluto, Neptune SXT Pluto.The Sun in the 8th and Saturn in the 10th are, I've heard, supposed to make things difficult, especially if one is seeking "worldly success". However, I think being Aries, and a Tiger, balances that out. I think I have been considerably lucky in a number of ways, compared to many people.
I have a ton of Mutable Sign influences washing around, the Gemini and Pisces influences are probably the reasons why my parents find me weird, and my Virgo Ascendant the reason why I don't find them discerning enough. What d'you reckon? IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted October 13, 2004 04:52 PM
Mmm, I just read the interpretations on astrology-numerology.com. They all seem to point to a creative, artistic, slightly impractical but forceful and driven person for whom career is important and who is probably active in teaching or trying to help others in some way.
Sounds like me, down to a tee.
Doesn't look like Sun in the 8th and Mars/Saturn in the 10th are so bad after all!
Not to mention Pluto in the 1st - Wow!IP: Logged | |
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