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Author
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Topic: Comfort
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Dreamybecca
unregistered
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posted October 24, 2004 04:03 PM
 
To be honest, I don't know how to start this. I think it is because sensitivity displays make me feel vulnerable and weak. Although I am quite sensitive, a part of me likes to play the brave & tough role...
Well, the thing is that in the last 2 years, more or less, I have felt really down, with a lot of pain inside and I have probably shed more tears than in all my life. Very dramatic, right? (Hope you get the irony of my words, I usually tease myself a lot, I am the "Drama Queen"!, lol  )
In the past, of course, things were not perfect, there were ups and downs, as it is expected, but it was ok. You see, I can be really positive and naive, and maybe innocent, so a part of me always thinks that things will change sooner or later, one just has to be patient. I think I am running of patience!! 
Before, I used to concentrated a lot in my "academic" life because that was what I was supposed and expected to do and somehow I felt that I had respect from people, I guess. And I had loads of interests, etc.Last year I finished university and I think things are getting worse and worse. I feel like I am in a hole and I cannot get out.
My life is a crap, I feel depressed, nothing seems to be going ok in every aspect of my life (no job, no love, nothing that motivates me, etc, etc), lately I have had some little problems with people (something I was not used to), I feel like I am a loser, everybody judges me and my life (what a life!), I feel very lost...etc...it is as if I had lost my compass!!
Some people who have known me for a long time seem to be a bit puzzled and they don't know/understand what is going on with me, they don't understand how somebody like me (I have never understood what people mean with that) can feel this way. I don't know how to explain it. Even my own parents seem to be puzzled and sometimes I think they are not proud anymore,etc.
And I feel very lonely. Solitude was not a thing that really bothered me, I am a bit a lonely person (I enjoy being with people but I don't need it badly 24/7), but for the first time in my life, I have to admit that I am scared to end up being alone. It would be unfair to say that nobody cares for me. I have some friends, and they care and they are kind, but you know, everybody has their lives, and besides,I am not good at asking for help Someone told me (if I recall well) that all this probably is probably because of some heavy transits (Neptune, Pluto??) and that it was a period of my life in which many changes were going to take place and so. I am 25, 26 next year.
When I am down, I try to remember that, but today it is one of those days in which the hole seems to be darker and deeper than ever.
Any advice? Or anybody who has gone through something similar?? More heavy transits in the near future that I should know (just to be ready for them)??
Oeps...long post...sorry...
Anyway, thank you for reading it.
Love,
Rebeca IP: Logged |
virgotaurustaurus
unregistered
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posted October 24, 2004 04:14 PM
Hey, I wish I could give advice, but I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way right now! Very confused, lost, afraid of being alone (I actually have a bf, but things aren't so good/stable right now so I feel alone there too). I went to university in September because I thought that's what I was supposed to do and what people wanted me to do but I was really depressed and ended up withdrawing. I almost moved to another state over a week ago but things didn't turn out as I wanted them to, so now I'm back home with my parents trying to sort out my entire life, figuring out what I want. Overall I'm just really frustrated, somewhat depressed, and having a hard time coming to conclusions or making decisions about ANYTHING. Ugh. The only major hard transit I see going on for me is Chiron squaring Saturn which doesn't even end soon after the new year. I also have Pluto sextiling that same Saturn and I think that maybe the square to Saturn is screwing up my sextile. I'm definitely not having an easy time!! IP: Logged |
PhoenixRising
unregistered
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posted October 24, 2004 04:23 PM
I have been going through a lot of hard transits myself lately with saturn squaring and opposing almost everything in my chart from pluto, jupiter,mercury , moon to my natal saturn itself!( guess this is my saturn seven cycle phase)..moreover the coming lunar eclipse too has more ''goodies'' in store for me LOL -the eclipse would be exactly conjunct my ascendent!
You have a heart because-
''The darkest hour is befor the dawn..''
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supernovajen
unregistered
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posted October 24, 2004 07:41 PM
Hey! This might be a normal thing to be going through cuz I'm going through similar situations, but if you're really depressed I would suggest getting some kind of help. I hope things get better ((((GOOD VIBES YOUR WAY)))))------------------
Jen
MT student
www.mtacc.net IP: Logged |
astro junkie
unregistered
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posted October 24, 2004 09:13 PM
I was saying on another thread that lately I felt this really strong need to observe and question people's motivations. Part of that is because of noticing that everyone is on "automatic". That people feel they do not have the luxury to question their motives for why they do everything in their life. They need to show up to work on time, the kids need college money, and the mortgage is due. You know? That type of thing.And how I've been saying, I'm really seriously thinking about living by the ocean somewhere, where there is no traffic or people everywhere in their bad moods. Misery loves company, but I don't need that kind of company. Even if people are nice, it comes across as fake, like, they've had to acquire that "pop-psyche positve attitude" to get on each day. Yet, I don't see it that way, and I don't think I ever did. Maybe this has to do with why I've never married. I've always questioned everything, especially when it comes to things we feel we are obligated to do, whether we want to or not. What does that get you? I never understood that. Always felt it was hampering our evolution, to be on "automatic" this way. I don't want to change the world, and I don't spend time trying to figure out "if only people were like this, the world would be so much better". That's ridiculous. I'd rather explore my inner space, than harp on everything "out there". And yes, if everyone went inside themselves more, it would make things better, but you can't legislate it or force people to do it. You can only really inspire people, but never expecting anything in return. Not easy sometimes. The other thing is this current magnetic polar shift of the Earth, something that has happened countless time before, so no big deal. Our bodies are pure electricity, and magnetic. It gets really scientific, but it's true. Here's a rendition of what the magnetic polar shift looks like as it is taking place :::
Here's is how it looks when everything is at rest - north is north - south is south ::: 
I just want to make sure everyone who is going through a difficult time reads this because I'm going through one challenge after another, and this has been for decades, so ... needless to say ... I'm exhausted and the low dose of meds I take keep me just this side of going postal out of frustration.
What motivates me, and what are my intentions? I could cite a million quotes, but it always comes back to the basic "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". Every day is literally checking and rechecking myself for that wisdom, but I'm not so hard on myself anymore. There's a point where I think we may be bombarded by billboards, and infocommercials, and advertising, and waiting in long lines and all the rest - I think there is a point where we end up wanting more than we need. So I would just say to you, slow down. Eliminate all the things you do not absolutely need, including bad friendships, toxic relationships. Just slow the F down. And FORGIVE YOURSELF. Really say it outloud, "I forgive myself for not being able to do more, be more, think more ..." IP: Logged |
virgotaurustaurus
unregistered
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posted October 25, 2004 12:06 AM
aj-
i seriously love your reply! Misery definitely loves company...I don't know how I did it, but I got my parents to realize they've been too negative and the past few days they've been talking more openly and hanging out together more. just becuase of some stuff I said in an arguement with them...weird. So I'm psyched to have some posiness there.I kinda relate to what you were saying about being automatic, in that I see it in others as well. I think it's because I constantly want things to change for the better, at least in my own life. But yeah I'm glad you said slow down! I neeeeed so badly to do that, and just sit back and get rid of the crappy things. Actually, I have a ton of clutter to reduce, mwhahaha! IP: Logged |
sthenri
unregistered
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posted October 25, 2004 12:22 AM
My challenge is people around me seem to be out for themselves, not the community. And I dislike that feeling, so I have been concetrating on positive people to counteract the bad in mylife. It's like constant PMS.I have tried Suma, it's an herb that promotes a feeling of well being, don't laugh, it works!
I have Saturn aspecting my Moon, which is not good for mother issues, especially since my mother is a Freak. If people do not understand you, it's because you are going through a transition, it's premature to say what's going to happen. Be patient with yourself and make others do the same. It's a good time to practice being assertive, because when depressed, naturally people become more compliant and don't realize it. Some assertiveness training in your head won't hurt. Going for blood, doing something destructive in my head really helps. Even if it's ripping apart a dress, or tearing something down off the wall, I think about it and I feel relieved. Then later I am free to create and imagine. Don't be afraid to express your anger because you can't tell me you aren't angry!
Depression is always anger internalized. Natasha
Taurus IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Newflake Posts: 8
From: ON Canada
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 25, 2004 12:50 AM
I don't think I have much to say.. yet my hand drew me to the reply button anyway.. so here I am.
There have been moments in my life where I have genuinely felt like life was a series of bad events, interspersed with some happiness here and there, like sprinkles on a very fattening cake. (when you have to fit into a dress the next day, and you hate this type of cake, but you have to eat it in order to get to the sprinkles.)
Okay, silly analogy...
I know what you mean when you say "Somebody like me." in their voice.. To the outsider, looking at you, you are this person with high achievements and motivation, you have worked hard for the supposed right things. What happens if you don't see the vision they see? You want to look in their heads with wonder and wrench out this person they see, just to get a good long look and absorb the goodness...... maybe it will attach itself to your own psyche. I know the detachment that comes with both success and failure.. it always depends on what side of the fence you are on..
But what now?
You have accomplished the things you are supposed to... I think this is a commonality to most. We all know there are supremely unique and wonderful things we can offer.. even if it is apparent in only brief rare glimpses... or if it is long and steady rides in the ego machine. Sometimes we see them.. often through other's eyes ( That sense of wonderment and longing) And how nice that they see "it". What do we do when it has been so long since we believed in our worth that it is a heavy burden of our psyche.
" I can see this shining... but I have misplaced it..." It barely even shines anymore.
Some would say... "make it happen" Even if you don't believe in it.... do the things you need to do, and maybe it will translate into realness.. perhaps without effort, it will just be. Pick yourself up, put effort into something.. just to feel something. At least something positive. Even if it feels fake.
I wish I had words to motivate, I wish to be a catalyst for positive change. But it isn't within me right now.
I am also in a pretty dark place. It is not unlike me.. I am a moody Scorpio after all, but I generally live my life with humour and fun. Some days I wake up and am overwhelmed by the things I still have to do.. and the blocks I put in my own way (for some reason) that remain blocked. It is sooooooooooo comforting to be low. It really is.. it is easy, in a sense, even though it is so hard. I hear people call me things like "Doll" and 'beautiful' and insightful and talented, and I believe they see these things. But I can only see it through their eyes and it fascinates me.
I am doing things that are quite self destructive. I am aware.
Anyway... Now I am going on and on.. .*see? the dark is enveloping and peaceful... but do I want to be here? No. I don't. So I will flit on out of here, wake up in the morning, tired and remembering how crappy I am at the mundane things.. and that I used to be good at the unusual things, but I somehow have lost that too. So I will be mediocre. I will eat a lot of humble pie, and I will wipe my mouth when finished. I will swear at my reflection, and then walk into a room and dazzle them, and they will say "What does it feel like to be you?" with wierd wonder in their eyes... and I will say..." Why don't you touch me and find out?"
And all will be well. Did I say well? Oh, I meant normal.
I will have moments of supreme sadness. I will regret, I will weep, and then I will spread my arms wide and love people.. for all the wrong reasons. But there will be joy.*shoot... well anyway, you aren't alone.
We'll all get through this together.
*edited to say... I posted a poem over in "For Yellow Wax and the Ants" Called "A Rainbow Exposed". You might find some some of sameness or at least some commisseration there. It is nice to be felt.
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Dreamybecca
unregistered
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posted October 25, 2004 02:48 PM
First of all, I would like to thank you all for you kind words, your thoughts and your advice. I felt so moved...Many things of those you wrote sounded so familiar to me...On one hand, it was nice to see that some other people feel the same way as me, to see that somehow you understand what I am going through, etc but at the same, I felt sad because I DO know how you feel. Do you understand what I mean?
Lately, I feel I am going through a phase in which I am revising my values, my way of thinking, etc, etc and sometimes it is very confusing. It is like all my life I have been following the "rules" but now I feel "cheated" by life or something. All my life I have had to hear people saying what a good person I am and blah, blah, blah, (I don't see it the same way at all!) but sometimes I have the impression that people who are not considered that good have gone further than me. Well, or something like this! It is complicated to explain.
Oh well...
Again, I want to think you for your words and for "reading" me last night. I needed it and I really appreciate that you care  Thank you!!
GOOD VIBES FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OCEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Lindaland
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