posted November 08, 2004 12:47 AM              

For one thing, some people talk about helping the poor and down and out people, they give to charity, they do work for organizations, they have money of their own. Then you go to their house and everything is gorgeous, with expensive wines, a wine cellar and a collection of imported mustards sitting on on the kitchen countertop.

That's not me,
When these same people come to my house they judge me by the way they observe outloud all the things I am missing, that they have.
I call them on this because I am a friend, and say
That's not me though, that's you, you are talking to yourself about your life, you are forgetting I am not you and we are different.

That's judging isn't it? But my these people who seem less like friends everyday say No. I still say, that's not me, I do not help the poor and fill my house with expensive items. When I say you seem to have a lot of money but that's not me, I hear it's not true, we are both the same. The difference is that I help people directly by giving them a place to live, and fixing up apartment buildings, that's me. I am just a little too busy with that to make sure I have a wine cellar right now.

But I don't see how I can be judged when that's how I am. Am I being touchy? These same people say it was a mistake to leave my ex now, but they were the same people who said I should leave him before. When I gave him a settlement to leave, that included most of the antiques and artwork we had collected together. Some people believe I made a mistake, and I could have found a way to make sure I was better taken care of.

One woman said if I had been more independent then, and better at taking care of myself, I wouldn't be so dependent now. I asked her how I seemed to more dependent than her, when she was remarried? And she said she took better care of herself this time, something I could learn to do better. I didn't mean to judge her, but it sounds like I am being judged for being myself. That's not me, I am not dependent.

I couldn't take better care of myself then and now, if I did, then I would have stuck by my ex and that was unbearably painful for me, with his control and anger problems. These same people saw that, but now I am judged because I can't offer imported wine with dinner.

It's not me, I tell myself, I am not like these people, but still I get touchy. It's hard seeing anything that reminds me of my ex, I want to go over to his house, but if I do he will offer me the same deal, take me the way I am, or nothing. And at the same time I can see everything we earned in his house, or I can walk out. It's still his. I find this difficult because I still love him very much, but it doesn't matter to him. He cares more about what other people think of him, and his house than me.

So where is the hypocrisy? Everywhere, even though it's natural and part of life, I am sickened by it whenever I have to confront it. Is this a Mercury in Gemini thing? Or Mars/1st house? I know my Cancer moon can handle it, but sometimes I can just feel like flying off to my ex's, so he can tell me how I need to get with the program. Do I? Or am I too much into it already?

posted November 08, 2004 10:15 AM              

The challenge with my ex is like all Earth Venuses he has that look of well being, and grounded-ness around him which is so lacking in myself. He always looks as if he just came from a steam bath, and massage. It's hard to know how to feel, when I admire him so much, but feel so little love at the same time. It's a lovely illusion, lacking in warmth.

posted November 08, 2004 01:18 PM              

Of course, these signs COULD do either of these things, but they're far from alone in that - every sign has this potential. The psychology behind these behaviors is too complex to be whittled down to a single aspects or pair of aspects. Most aspects that would indicate a potential for these behaviors need other aspects and life experiences to encourage such traits to manifest - in other words, they are more learned behavior and habitual thinking than merely attributes of one's personality. They would *rest* on those attributes, but not everyone that possess those same attribute would develop in the same way due to varying enviormental influences and life experiences.

Having said that, in cases were you'd see such complex and habitual behavior, often there's other aspects that reinforce ro aide to the develop these, that sort "protect" the person from seeing there true self or encourage the negative side of other aspects to manifest. This includes aspects that make someone very self-centered, resistent to listening to others or being corrected by others, has a strong need to be accepted by others or acquire status, or is overly dependant on the opinion of others, among others. So *sometimes* you can see these complex, habitual behaviors in the chart, but it's various aspects contributes different things to the pot that end up with that complicated result.

So I guess that the long around to saying I think you're taking the wrong approach to this - if you seem to be attracting people who don't share your values and apperciate yoru individual, chosen lifestyle, you probably would be better off look at the reason why you attract such people, and whether you unconsciously/subconsciously want something from them (like their acceptence) and if so, what exactly and why.

I can tell you from my own personal experience that deeply conflicted people often easily attract people that conflict with their personal needs and way of life (Gem influence, like your Mercury, is vey bad about this). So, my hunch is you have some deep conflict going on that you haven't yet fully confronted, but I don't think simply having a Taurus Sun, Cancer Moon and Gemini Mercury could sum up such a conflict, as these signs aren't at odd with each other each enough to cause such a conflict amongs desire, relationships and emotional needs. That these seem to fall in your social houses and around your DESC might be a starting point though.

Also, I think you should look more at your Mars too. I have been doing some studies on Sag mars recently, and find this also can lead to a lot of conflict - like my Aqua Mars, it's perigrine, or lacking essential dignity. Add to that it's in the mutable fire sign: perigrine Sag planets tend to be very impulsive, attracted to neagtive influecnes and lack clear focus or direction. With Sag's natural attraction to what's exciting and intriguing, thsi can spell serious trouble for the native. It seems people with Sag Mars are often inclined to make bad decisions about relationships: they can attract unhealthy people and/or drive away healthy people, and trouble seems to find them everywhere they go. And because it lacks the focus of other fire Mars, this Mars seems to find it very hard to get out the trouble it finds itself in.