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Author Topic:   What Makes People Like One?
ariestiger
unregistered
posted November 10, 2004 07:47 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How would you define a friend? What makes a friend more than just an acquaintance?
I say this because I have a number of acquaintances but very few close friends. Acquaintances are great, I can get along with them no problem, if they're rude to me I can just go home, let off steam and not get too upset about it, because I'm not emotionally beholden to them in the same way that I am to a friend.
In actual fact, my life as it pans out at the moment seems to almost consist of JUST acquaintances, outside the friends that Mr. Aqua and I have as a couple. Maybe I should ask myself why.
As I stated in Virgo-Aries' thread about male friends, I find it difficult not to fall between the two extremes of being formal - in the nicest possible way - with people, and "letting it all hang out". Also, it is very difficult for me to be spontaneous sometimes. Within a fairly formal setting such as a teaching environment it's great, everything is structured. In many social situations I'm absolutely stumped for what to do or say. This is a big bugbear where female friendships are concerned because I'm often not comfortable with the accepted social behaviour like "Hello darling!" or hugs, it just doesn't gel with me, I feel uncomfortable with it. Or if someone tells me a problem, it's not that I'm not sympathetic, I just don't know what to say. I can't always necessarily feel their emotion, because I haven't had that same life experience.

Is there something wrong with me??

My husband says I come across as a totally cold fish, but he reckons my myopia is partly to blame, even though I wear contact lenses I might as well be Mr. Magoo. He reckons I don't even SEE people half the time to say hello to them, and then they get the idea that I'm unfriendly!

Some people have this ability to just make other people relax. I don't know what it is they do, they just seem to exude a natural warmth.
I must say that I am very wary of getting hurt, and consciously put up a defense mechanism so that I don't allow myself to become hurt. Living with Mr. Aqua has rubbed off, so that I now have an elephant-hide - but sometimes I'm really shocked at the absence of genuine warmth I seem to have inside me. A certain friendship that seems to be on the horizon is reminding me that maybe I may need to cultivate the "warm" side of my nature more.
Can you cultivate something, if the seeds aren't already there???
I am having counselling right now, but counsellors tend to be more of a sounding-board for one's own thoughts. I'd be interested in your feedback.

LOL
AriesTiger
Virgo Asc; Sun/Merc in Aries, 8th House; Moon, Venus, Jupiter in Pisces, 6th House; Mars, Saturn in Gemini, 10th House; Uranus in Libra, 2nd House; Neptune in Sag, 3rd House; Pluto in Libra, 1st House.

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miss_muffet
unregistered
posted November 10, 2004 08:07 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hmmmm...

Most of my friends were "cultivated" through similar outlook, likes, dislikes, and such. And the only way to know that is by going out with them. Typically, celebrations are a wonderful thing to socialize with people. Birthdays, Christmas, etc.

Go out with friends... ask them to lunch, dinner, movies, coffee, bowling (if you bowl). Keep the connection light to start with: invite a group of people to your place for Christmas dinner... then next time, just say, hey guys lets go do something fun! and see what happens.

Usually, you will get one or two people that might actually like you and you them. They will be the ones who'll probably agree to do some fun thing with you. Similar interests between people is necessary to become friends. It could be anything under the sun...

I hope I am helping here...

Miss Muffet

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noreenz
unregistered
posted November 10, 2004 09:04 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Is there something wrong with me??

No...there is nothing wrong with you.

I will and do talk or smile at anyone/everyone I see, and look for the good in everyone. When I meet someone cranky, rude or obviously having a crappy day...I'll go out of my way to make them smile. Oh sure, I may embarass my kids, lol...(example) there was this very tough looking (well known, I guess, local) tatoo artist and his people in the same line I was in...I didn't know who they were, my oldest daughter mentioned who he was and listed who his famous clients were...these guys looked hard core......most everyone there just kinda looked away and tried not to notice them (yeah right), I popped off about tatoos laughing, (got attitude for a sec) but within seconds they were all showing me their tatoos, minutes later showing my kids magic tricks, etc., and telling me I could get a discount on a lower back tatoo. (lol) This was a perfect opportunity to teach my children that Everyone likes to be treated equal regardless of who or what they are.

You don't need to feel like you fit it or worry about what someone will think of you. Just look people in the Eyes when you talk to them, Acknowledge them for who and what they are and Smile...it really is very easy. In doing this, you will grow in confidence about yourself also, you will find the friends you are looking for and they will see you.

Admire the goodness in your friends and don't worry about not being able to "feel" others emotions, etc. That is the beauty of astrology...it teaches us how and why we are all so different and why. It has actually really helped me understand a few people. I'm Virgo Sun, Aqua moon & Asc....I don't "feel" like so many of my friends which have alot of water running through them. I can sympathize, because I know their pain is real to them....(perhaps on something I wouldn't have given a second thought too, they'd be bent out of shape)
did that make sense???? Sorry for the ramble. This just struck a chord for me, it is something I think is important and try to teach my kids. I often hear, "gawd, you know everybody" or "gawd, she'll talk to anyone" ...by my family and friends....I wasn't always like that, I had to learn.

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26taurus
unregistered
posted November 10, 2004 10:09 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Noreenz, I like you. I just had to say that. You're a kind soul.

.....and reading your post reminded me of my mother, you sound like her.... She knew and would talk to EVERYONE. When we were younger, my brother and I were constantly embarassed by her. But she is just a sweet Cancer who loves and is always intruged by people.....very friendly. "People fascinate her" ..... What is your sun sign BTW?

quote:
When I meet someone cranky, rude or obviously having a crappy day...I'll go out of my way to make them smile. ......You don't need to feel like you fit it or worry about what someone will think of you. Just look people in the Eyes when you talk to them, Acknowledge them for who and what they are and Smile...it really is very easy. In doing this, you will grow in confidence about yourself also, you will find the friends you are looking for and they will see you........
Admire the goodness in your friends......

Wise words.

...sorry, I'm feeling sappy tonight.....

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Gemini Nymph
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posted November 11, 2004 11:59 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
>>>>"Also, it is very difficult for me to be spontaneous sometimes. Within a fairly formal setting such as a teaching environment it's great, everything is structured. In many social situations I'm absolutely stumped for what to do or say. This is a big bugbear where female friendships are concerned because I'm often not comfortable with the accepted social behaviour like "Hello darling!" or hugs, it just doesn't gel with me, I feel uncomfortable with it. Or if someone tells me a problem, it's not that I'm not sympathetic, I just don't know what to say. I can't always necessarily feel their emotion, because I haven't had that same life experience."

I have Asperger's and it results in issues exactly like this for most people with AS. I know I posted about my suspicion that your husband was ADD and had EFD, but I never followed up on that, because it seemed you were rather decided to give up on your husband rather than look at him in a different light, so I never followed up on that. But as hard-hearted and b*tchy I can come across (we "Aspies" tend to be uncommonly blunt), I do in fact care, especially if I think someone is suffering like I had for years not knowing what was "wrong" with me and having people either criticize me unfairly and often unkindly or give me well-meaning but nonetheless useless advice like what's been posted already (no offense, but different people have differnet needs, that's all).

Here's what AS is like, from my experience and perspective - see if you can relate:

AS is a neurological condition (some call it a disorder) on the autism specturm that effects how one thinks, understands, percieves and react to things and people. People with this condition tend to intuitively feel like there is something very different about them that sets them apart from other people, often something very "fundamental" like their brain doesn't work like other people, even without knwoing they could be AS. AS people tend to be more right-brained (systematic thinking, information gathering, patterns, objects) so they are more interested in objects and information than people and socializing. We "Aspies" tend to have above average IQs, have unusual or obsessive interests, other learing disablities, and problems socializing.

These socializing issues are what tends to "stand out" about us to others most often, as how we act differently for others is more noticeable than how we think differently. This is where most our stress and problems come from, as normal people can be very cruel to Aspies - we often get bullied as children, written off by teachers, abused and taken advantaged of, wrongly treated by family, friends, bosses, so forth - all simply because we are neuorligical incompatible with the way the rest of the world is structured. We have difficulty understanding unwritten social rules, social inference and nuances, making friends, understanding emotional and social responses in others and recripocating appropriately or in ways that's socially expected. Women Aspies like me have very real problems relating to "neurotypical" or "NT" women - our way of think and feeling is often more like a man's than a woman's so we have little common ground with them.

Consequently, Aspies are often misunderstood as unkind, uncompassionate, unsympathetic, rude, cold, or aloof. In truth, none of these are ever truly the case - we can have very intense emotions, but usually off/on, all-or-nothing types, and often we feel disconnected or detached from much of what's going on around us. Our appraoch to reality is extremely cerebral - we evaluate and dwell intellectually on emotionally intense things, like the death of a relative or a friend's problems, and tend to feel emotions about it like an afterthought or well after the event. Sometimes this seems like we are "empty " inside, when we look at how other people react to things, but this isn't necessarily so.

Because of our extreme right-brain way of thinking and our discomfort in most social situation, people with AS do better in structured social environments, like a teaching environment - I'm exactly like this. I can walk into a classroom and take control as teacher or fit in easily as a student, but sit me into a party, I don't know what to do. I can be spontaneous, but it's very hard in social situations that are free-form and aren't structured.

A few other traits common to AS:

- sensory hypersensitivities, like to light, sound, electricity, other people 'presence,' etc.
- egocentric, has trouble with being aware of others around them
- poor coordination, cluminess
- speech problems
- visual learner
- strong principles, or sense of justice/injustice
- difficulty expressing emotions and inner thoughts
- often more interested in nonfiction or informative books than in fiction; same for TV and movies
- problems coping with changes to routine, schedule or environment
- frequently, introverted personality, someone who can live in their own world, prefers to work on their own, and needs time and space away from other people
- depression, anxiety disorders, anger problems, drug/alcohol problems are often concurrent with AS as they result from the issues Aspies have on the social level
- deeply rooted feeling of distrust, alienation, persecution or even paranoia as the result of life-long maltreatment by other people

If you think you can relate to this, I recommend going here - www.delpiforums.com - and look up the forum "Aspie Hangout" and sign up. Talk to those people there - they are quite supportive and will help you understand whether you are AS or maybe something else the autism spectrum. If you ARE AS or have a similar neurological condition, then you can't really "change" that, but you can get support and learn to live with it. While AS is and other forms of autism are classified as developmetal, lerning or neuorological "disorders" I personally find a lot of strengths and psoitives in my differentness, even if it does come with certain burdens.

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Gemini Nymph
unregistered
posted November 11, 2004 12:04 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sorry, that link's not right - go here instead:
http://forums.delphiforums.com/n/main.asp?webtag=aspies&nav=start&prettyurl=%2Faspies

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virgotaurustaurus
unregistered
posted November 11, 2004 12:55 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
hooollly crap GemNymph...I just read your entire post about Asperger's and eerily related to that very well. Especially the list of traits, not one of them is a 'no' for me. (Although I nipped the speech problems in the bud when I was in elementary school)

:-/

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Gemini Nymph
unregistered
posted November 11, 2004 03:50 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Then maybe it'd be worth investigating for you. AS wasn't recognized in the US until 1994, but a little earlier in other countries, even though it was first recorded in the 1940s. So many people have grown into adulthood not at all aware they had a neurological difference - most of us simply thought we had something wrong with us, or somehow just "not getting it." So there's a lot of adults runnigng around who just finding out about this and going, "Hey, that's me!!"

Also, it's suspected that as many as 1 in 200 people have some form of high-functioning autism like AS. Statistically, it's more commonly dx'd in boys/men than girls/women, but that may be due to that fact that AS girl/women can better "mimic" social behaviors they have observed in order to avoid being ridiculed or ostracized (however, this doesn't mean we've fully incorporated such behaviors into our genuine selves - it's more like a big act or a false face we show, and this can cause a deep sense of alienation from ourselves). Some AS researchers suspect that AS is as common among females as among males, and judging by the various Aspie-run sites and forums for AS adults, this seems to be true.

Unfortunately much of the research and attention is on children with AS, and it's seen as a developmental and learning problem. Right now, much of the support for adults with AS is through other AS adults at forums like the one I posted. Unfortunately I'm at work and don't have my bookmarks with all my AS links, but that forum is a very good starting place for you or anyone else who might think they're AS.

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 193
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted November 11, 2004 05:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks, Gemini Nymph... I, too, can relate to almost every one of these traits. I have always felt like I was "different," have above avg. intelligence, prefer non-fiction to fiction, very visual learner. But social skills are not something that comes easily for me. I've always just felt like there was something wrong with me and I do suffer from anxiety. I had a very hard time in the past relating to females because they were always touchy-feelier than me and I just never "got" their conversational/social style. I do much better now, but it's something that has taken me a long time to learn and I still feel like an imposter much of the time! And when I am in a social situation which requires me to relate to lots of people I find that I really need time to prep myself for it mentally and to unwind when I get home. Lots of anxiety over that! I'm running off now to check the link...

Thanks for sharing!

Carissa

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ariestiger
unregistered
posted November 12, 2004 02:44 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Funnily enough, I read about Asperger's a little while back and wondered if I might have it. The only thing is - I never had severe learning difficulties (with the exception of algebra) - I was amongst the top in my class, certainly in junior school. This was also partly due to my mother pushing me. I did have a problem with hyperlexia - reading words perfectly but not understanding their meaning (which I always attributed to my mother having pushed me too fast too soon), "reading" faces, and social behaviour - but again, I always attributed that to the fact that I didn't "fit in" - I was two years younger than quite a few of the oldest in the class, had myopia, was half-German, a vegetarian, wasn't allowed to socialise with other kids after school (I am an only child)and wasn't allowed to eat a large number of foods, not because of health problems, but because my mother was rather an odd woman, who herself suffered from anorexia and obsessional behaviour.
I go crazy over things like geometric patterns. However, I don't have an obsession with order or routine like a lot of AS people - I am extremely messy, and HATE routine. I can't function in an orderly environment.
I was talking to the mother of an autistic adult recently and she reckons we all have a bit of autism in us.

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