posted January 27, 2005 01:48 PM              

For brevity’s sake, I’ve got to say this flat out although it sounds conceited… I’m a pretty girl & my fun and sassy Aries personality adds to that. Ok that’s my opinion of my face… my body is another matter entirely. I’m what any ‘normal’ person would call ‘in shape’ from a casual glance. My weight can fluctuate about 20 lbs. When I’m at the ‘perfect’ weight for me, I feel beautiful and sexy, but when I’m not I tell myself horrible things. There’s the short version about me. Him -- good looking and fit!! 6’1” slim, yet nice muscle too, as he is a regular at the gym. Me sexually – when I’m thin (in my mind…) I’m playful, passionate, spontaneous, confident, and even at times aggressive. When I’m fat (in my mind…), I’m constantly worrying what my body looks like… IF the guy is in great shape. If the guy is a little heavy – well I don’t worry about it so much. YES I know (now) that this is a HUGE problem and I’ve got an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday to begin dealing w/ it mentally.

What happened: We fell in love almost immediately! His son and I just adore each other! We have spent almost every night together since we met! He and I talked about EVERYTHING and I know the most wonderful aspect of the relationship for each of us was having that connection. We even used the corny term ‘soul mates’. The first week we were making out like teenagers, feeling each other up, in the 2nd week I told my brother about him and to my surprise my brother new him casually and knew his ex wife and he said to me “his ex is beautiful – just gorgeous … she is so tiny! What a cute figure, really petite”. And from that moment on I began comparing myself to her. When I met him I was somewhat overweight (to me). He wined and dined me almost every night and I gained more weight. The first time we had sex he insisted we keep the light - I wanted to scream ‘shut it off! I’m fat!’. Over the next 4 months as I gained weight my image of myself just got worse and I shut off/shut down sexually. I can see now that I never enjoyed the sex, I was too focused on how bad I looked. He complimented me all the time, he say ‘look at that body, I’m a lucky guy!’ I’d reply w/ a smirk. On the surface I’m the image of confidence… in my head I was a wreck. I hid this from him really well. About 3 weeks ago he told me that he wasn’t sure I ‘desired him as a man’ that we hardly had sex and when we did he didn’t think I enjoyed it - since we talked so openly about past relationships, he knew I was a passionate girl, why not w/ him? I made excuses to him. In my head I PANICED!! I went on the South Beach diet the next week. A little voice said ‘your sabotaging the best thing that ever happened to you’, but my foremost thought was LOOSE THE WEIGHT, feel good and show him the SEXY you!!! I never shared this with him, I didn’t want him to think I was nuts!

He broke up with me last weekend because ‘I don’t love him as a man, I don’t desire him and although he loves me he needs to feel that passion too’ He is ADAMANT that we are OVER. I tried to tell him a little bit of how I feel about my body – that it wasn’t him, it was me. I made some other excuses too – I didn’t want to admit my insecurity. He won’t hear it. We haven’t spoken since he left me a message on Monday. I’ll be seeing him soon to get my belongings from his house. I have no words to describe my devastation and the regret I feel for not being truthful with him, and, for not being capable of expressing my love and desire physically.

I’m hoping that the uncharacteristic silence from me has him wondering, missing and maybe rethinking his decision. I’ll be seeing him, in a week or so (he said he’d call soon to arrange to see each other to return my stuff.) and I’m preparing to tell him everything – all the horrible insecurity I felt about my body and how I compared it to his ex. How beautiful he is to me physically, etc. I need some advice from you all – PLEASE. How do I word this to him? I’ve read Linda’s advice about Aquarian men and plan to 1) let him know he doesn’t really know all of me (to entice his inquisitive mind…), 2) that I will get over this – I can fix the physical easy enough, I’ve only got about 15 lbs to loose, but I’m going to get the help I need from a professional to fix the mental part. Please give me some advice on how to get him to reconsider. I already begged him to just think about giving it another chance and he refused (the coldness in his voice during the refusal – OMG - that hurt so bad). I love him, with everything I am and can be… I love him. Please give me some guidance. I know this is long, thanks for reading it and thanks for any advice.

posted January 27, 2005 02:10 PM            

Tell him what you told us- You desire him more than he can imagine, but you are suffering from a low self-esteem. Tell him that you are working on it and that you would love from him to be patient and help you.

Don't become co-dependent- or go on a crazy diet. Just watch what you eat, go to the gym with him and:

STOP COMPARING yourself to OTHERS...

I know it is hard..my fiance has dated some pretty women, petite women and even a celebrity. It can be hard- then again- I know that I am not hard to look at. When he tells me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever been with- I believe him (LOL..even the celebrity hasn't got anything on me).

I am not a tiny lady' 5 foot 9 and between 135 to 150lbs depending on the season..LOL.. You have to learn to love your body..to look at it, lumps and all and realize that it is the only one you have.

Pamper yourself- do you think that movie stars are perfect? Do you think petite is perfect or is tall and statuesque perfect? It depends on what the person desires. Movie stars are airbrushed- computers make them look perfect.

I am not perfect, but I love my body and I love my mates body. If you get back together with your Aqua- learn to keep the lights on..focus on HIM not on your imperfections.

Put up a mirror...watch him...this may sound weird..but I love seeing my Taurus and I together. Heck, we hardly have sex in the dark..unless we are already asleep.

Sex between two people that love each other is beautiful..don't let insecurities keep you from feeling that or experiencing the intimacy. I can guarantee you that your Aqua wants the lights on to see how beautiful you are and WILL NOT even see the imperfections you think exist.

Like I said..I am not petite..my Taurus loves that..he isn't into small, thin women..he is a big man. He says the same things to me "Hmmm..look at that body, I am a lucky man".

posted January 27, 2005 03:37 PM              

Now that I got out my somewhat pathetic and frantic sounding story, I have a couple of particular questions directed to all, but Aqua's, or those close to an Aqua, in particular. (as an aside, now I will be telling him my deep insecurity and my plan to fix it, by getting in shape and by getting professional help w/ my mental issues, I'm feeling some relief setting in and confidence about getting over this. And, were I to get a second chance with him, in time I'm certain that I'll be able to show him the sexy side of me, and am 100% certain I could then fulfil him sexually the way he needs.) That said, my questions:

1) when and Aqua makes up his mind about something there is no changing it. Yes, no, sometimes? Everything I've read says once they make a decision that's it. He's studied me I'm sure and now THINKS he has all the info to make this decision.

2) they don't care for emotional scenes. As an Aries I can be too dramatic, should I let him see my pain, or try to reason with his intellect?

3) I want to tell him that I won't be giving up, regardless of the outcome when we see each other - the Aries faith that tomorrow is another day! He offered to stay friends and I said no. I'm going to say yes to the friendship, but is it safe to share with him that I'm doing it to stay in touch so that he can see my progress mentally and my weight loss and that my friendship comes attached with a hope of reconcilliation? Or, should I take the friendship and keep my hopes to my self? I don't want to appear to desperate or clingy and I want to give him time to sort through what I'm going to say.

Any Thoughts?

posted January 27, 2005 03:42 PM              

1. Im in love with a Sag who are pretty similar to Aquas when it comes to relationships and getting a straight answer abt their feelings
2. My first ever crush - the one I can NEVER forget, was an Aqua - ok it was high school and I didnt know better, but I really got hurt by his constant rejection and stubborn refusal to even consider me

posted January 27, 2005 04:05 PM              

Nobody feels 100% secure in a relationship with anyone, and so next time he starts to say you shouldn't feel that way, say back off! I can feel as insecure as I want and complain and whine about it all I want, if not to you then to someone. It's healthy to express insecurity and be vulnerable with your mate. If he can't handle that then it's his problem NOT yours.

I think comparing yoruself to others is normal, but then again I am a Taurus with Venus in Aries, Mars/1st house Sag so I do a lot of that and I am quite VAIN sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel beautiful both inside and out, but there was too much pressure from him to be perfect now.

Not everyone wants to make love with the lights on each and every time.

Try to be more patient with yourself and take this time to regroup and get to know the new YOU.

LIke Pidua says, write a letter, it worked for me and the ex b/f.

BTW he called me to thank me for my letter Pidua, (and wanted to know if I was the woman who was calling and hanging up on him-no not me!) I wrote him everything I felt, in a focused way, and I had quite a bit of insecurity myself since he was sleeping with two other women while with me and blamed my insecurities for that. I had an Aqua male friend who wasn't much help, he just kept saying find another man, find another man. And the Gemini has Venus trine Uranus. So I am TIRED of the Aqua men and their fascination with the goddess/mother split. Now I am just being happy with myself and do not expect anything other than the pleasure of their company in the moment and after that I don't think of them.

That letter helped me so much. Now I am free of my mental blocks. I highly recommend the letter idea, rather than a confrontation.

I will post the lyrics to Beautiful in a moment;

posted January 27, 2005 04:07 PM              

Beautiful

Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
Is that the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times

We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

posted January 27, 2005 04:42 PM            

In response to your "follow-up" questions-
YES! An Aquarius can certainly change their mind. Believe me. I'm an Aquarius through and through. WE DO CHANGE OUR MINDS!!! In the end it is always when we, deep inside, weren't 100% sure about our decision. No matter how he may be now, if you manage to show him and explain to him what happened..and if he really cares about you (and it sounds like he does)...of course he will come back. Remember what L.G. says- Aquas do get off their stilts/bicycle/whatever once in a while and walk back to see if there was something there they missed. Maybe to bring along a magnifying glass and get a better look.
Yes most Aquarians I know do not like emotional scenes...but sometimes they are necessary. HOWEVER** since you are trying to win him back I would steer clear of emotional scenes until things are solid and secure between the two of you. I'd say intellect is the way to go- but of course you can be emotional (the whole issue is emotional). Just not SCENES.
About your third question- that's a difficult one to answer. Really depends on the dynamic of the relationship. Sometimes we need to tell people "I am here. When you're ready, I'll still be here. Just so you know". But sometimes this is not a good idea. I think you will have to figure that one out, since you know him. But I'd say try to win him back first with your wonderful Aries honesty.

posted January 27, 2005 05:22 PM              

Pidaua and Whiterabbit especially thanks so much! I have been writing REAMS about my body image insecurity, and reading/reasearching/jotting notes about Aqua's to help me put all these thoughts into a 'script' to guide me when I talk to him. I'm working now on whittling it down to cue cards - to keep me on track and clamp down my chatty, rambling nature. Sort of a letter as you suggested, but I'm going to read it, more or less, in person. We broke up over the phone during a snowstorm on Sunday ... I need to be near him, look into his eyes... maybe get some clues.

posted January 28, 2005 06:46 PM              

Well -

Just imagine how you would feel if you were really starting to get into someone, and they withheld their full physical expression from you. This makes you feel uncomfortable, and then they explain by telling you about all their hang-up's about their body, that they are going to work through it, and to be patient. How would you react? Would you really let them know you support them, or would you run for the hills?

posted January 28, 2005 07:19 PM            

I am happy the letters / writing worked. It is something I have had to do for years, because conveying emotions verbally doesn't work well..My Aries Moon square Mercury in Cap gets all flustered..add the Uranus Opposition and I am toast.

I think we also have to think of how we respond to our mates. Mr. Taurus is not thing- he never will be (and I like that). I can also see where he can put on weight if he let himself go- again, if he gained 50lbs I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

I would have him chase me around it about 100 times first LMAO..just kidding...

It is important to work with your mate and have a mate that is willing to work with you. When Mr. Taurus decided he wanted to go on a diet and was feeling down..I threw out the junk food, bought what he needed and we started getting out more.

I know that if I felt fat or wanted to lose weight, he would also help me. I have to be careful though, because I already went through 8 years of anorexia- so scales are out of the question.

You'll make it through this time (being a Cancer you are most likely feeling the frustration of having Saturn conjuncting your sun as well).

posted January 28, 2005 08:52 PM              

anyway, other ladies have given you terrific advice, so i just want to relate for now...

posted January 31, 2005 12:04 PM              

And I NEVER suspected!! And here I took ALL the blame on myself!!! Yes, I put my body down, but mostly it was in my head! and no, we didn't have 'tons' of sex, but outside influences (I had a friend staying w/ me for a while and since my b/f could be loud, it precluded sex at my place, and he had his son every other weekend and I didn't stay over when he had him) so outside influences
played a big factor, and I told him this when he broke up w/ me, saying it wasn't lack of desire, it was lack of opportunity, he said I was making excuses. However, he never said 'hey I'm in the mood! let's plan a night' AND I never ONCE turned him down!!!

So.... we only live a few miles apart and the past week I've cruised by his house to assure myself he was home - alone and lonely - and hoping he was missing me (what a fool I am!!!). [sidebar: I knew
he'd be home alone because he has only 1 friend and they see each other
every 1 to 2 weeks to play pool or hang out, and I'm always invited along. His mother has been in a mental institution since he was 16
- his father left when he was 12 and wasn't around much. The entire time we've dated, he doesn't talk about or visit the mother, the father he's seen maybe 3 times in the 4 months we were together, and that includes the holidays. His sister is 11 years
older, they have an 'ok' relationship on the surface, but he's ragged on her to me quite a bit. ....isn't it weird for a very outgoing guy to have ZERO social circle? One friend?] Anyway, Saturday night was the opening of a play that we had tickets for, we were supposed to go together... so I
borrowed my sister's jeep cheeroke, dress head to toe in black, drive to his house and waited... At 7:00 he leaves the house (I follow at a distance unbeknownst to him) he drives a 1/2 mile north and sits in a bakery
parking lot, I drive past turn around and he just sits there for a couple of minutes, then he drives quickly back south towards his street, I follow but loose him and as I pass his street, I see he has turned around
again and is now coming towards me!! Obvious evasion maneuvers!!!! He was looking for me to follow him - in my car because he was guilty knowing what he was about to do!!! Well I lost him, so I parked again about a 1/2 from his house w/ a clear view. At 9:30 he drove right past with a blonde women in the car!!!!!!!! They went in and the I see the hall and bedroom lights go on!!!!! I ACTUALLY SAW THE TWO OF THEM ENTER THE BEDROOM FROM THE HALLWAY WINDOW!!! The lights were on upstairs about an hour (while I sit outside staring at the hallway window for any movement thinking OMG! OMG! OMG! In total shock!) Finally about 90 minutes later I see her in the doorway of is bedroom, she shuts the hall light off, soon the bedroom lights go off and that's it. She stayed the night (I never slept, I drove by about ever hour!) At
7:21 I pass him pulling out of his street to take her home -- I couldn't follow because I was nervous about getting caught now that it was light and there was so little traffic. So I waited and he was back 13 minutes later - meaning she only lives 5 minutes away!!!!!

We spent EVERY single night together for the last 4 months - except when he had his son, but I would be with them and go home to sleep!!! Where did he find this women?? HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?????? I never
saw this coming, and believe me when I tell you I am nobody's fool!!

The hell I lived through last week, thinking HE didn't believe I loved HIM!!! That sadistic bast*rd had me thinking it was my fault. And why ? So he could screw another women?????????????? We were planning to be married by the end of the year!!! And, I bet he doesn't even consider this cheating since he broke up with me on Sunday!!! But obviously he broke up w/ me to nail her and its obvious this began BEFORE he so cruelly ended it sunday!!

posted January 31, 2005 12:10 PM              

&

I wish I could comfort you somehow ~ the only thing I can say is what I'm sure you know already..

You're well rid of him!!

I hope you heal soon

Investing in a rose quartz crystal if you can. It has soothing properties and is the stone for real love.

Love to you,
Sheaa

posted January 31, 2005 01:49 PM            

See I realize that you are all emotional right now, but you need to calm down. You post is erratic...so let's try to get down to a few points-

1) Did the two of you ever have that talk about you breaking up?

2) Did you just decide to spy on him without even talking to him about your break up, your problems etc... OR did the two of you talk and he just went into that litany about you not desiring him...etc...

3) Does he have any old girlfriends in the area and could she be one of them?

4) I am totally confused about WHY would he go to a Bakery parking sit for a few minutes and then take off. That is kind of odd...UNLESS..he was waiting for a call girl. Since the lady spent the night..then I am thinking that is not the case.

5) IS IT possible..that he just met her, since you broke up, say...at the gym?

I know it's hard, but if you want answers, you should talk to him. Ask him how he views the break up, or if he is seeing someone..etc..

Spying on him is not an option - be careful because the last thing YOU need is for it to be turned around on you and you get hit with a stalking charge. Also...if I was you..I would take down his personal information about his life and social circle. That information is not important to us, and it only serves as an invasion of his privacy.

Personally, it makes me uncomfortable to see it.

posted January 31, 2005 01:49 PM              

We broke a week ago, on Sunday. After hours on the phone w/ me in shock begging him to reconsider, I finally got angry, because he was so adamant... I said get all my belongings at your house together, I'll talk to you tomorrow and make arrangements to get my stuff. On monday he called and left me a message saying lets wait a bit to see each other, 'because this is so heartbreaking for both of us... I'll be in contact'. I didn't hear from him all week. I thought he was missing me and maybe rethinking things!!!

I called last night and spoke to him, he was pleasant, talked to me in his 'client' voice, I was just as pleasant. I said I wanted to get my stuff but was busy early in the week, how about Thursday or Sunday (he's got his son Fri & Sat). He said sure, just let me know when, then we said goodbye.

I'm going to get my stuff and go. Why should I let him know what I know?? I'm going to let HIM think that it was easy for ME to just walk away!! I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing he two-timed me!!! And, I do not blame the women one bit.... she could be just as trusting as me, thinking she met Mr. Right. Hell, If I decide in a week or two I want to go over there and kick him in the balls... well I'll still have that option!!!!

He is a piece of lying sh*t and I won't waste one more minute on him!!!

posted January 31, 2005 02:07 PM            

Ahh...okay..now I am getting a better picture.

After you wrote down your feelings, you called him and he was very forceful about your break up and it being over. (Yeah, that would also make me suspect there was someone else). The fact that he wanted to wait to have you pick up your stuff could be for 1 of 2 reasons. 1) He was being honest 2) He knew he had plans with the other woman.

As far as him cheating, I think that is a hard one. Normally you get the "feeling" while it is happening..or some do. Also, could he be that he DID just meet her, maybe before you broke up and nothing sexual occured until after?

Maybe he realized he was getting interested in her and then re-evaulated your relationship and decided he needed to move on. IF he has problems in the social arena, then his actions are typical of one that is emotionally crippled.

As much as it hurts you are better off with out him. I can't blame you for wanting to find the truth and doing what you did- that was VERY Aries My moon respects that and gives you a thumbs up..

Just be careful (Virgo rising has to step in here) and don't let it lead you down a path where you can get hurt.

posted January 31, 2005 02:08 PM              

Just because a man is an Aqua doesn't mean he is outgoing or has friends. My ex Gemini b/f was a real jerk to his friends.

Air men do tend to jump into new sexual relationships very quickly, using sob stories, but I am sure she will feel the same about him as you did and dump him.

In reality you ended it with Him, you realize that dont' you?

Any old port in a storm!
if he comes whining back at your door, tell him to scrape up $36 for a motel room and you will meet him there!

posted January 31, 2005 02:57 PM              

Thank your lucky stars that this man showed his true colors before too long...sounds like he is obviously as deep as a puddle! (a muddy, yucky puddle...)

Sorry for your pain...take care of yourself...nad let go of this LOSER!