posted April 05, 2005 10:23 PM              

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

posted April 05, 2005 10:24 PM              

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

posted April 05, 2005 10:28 PM              

The Corporate Zodiac

MARKETING:
One of the luckiest of all signs, because you chose a major in college which no one could really explain, which led to a job with responsibilities that no can really delineate, which makes it next to impossible to fire you for not doing your job. You know what it takes to get ahead--after all, you conned them into paying you all this money anyway, didn't you?

INTERNET/SOFTWARE ENGINEER:
Once the brunt of all playground jokes, you are now the geek that has inheirited the Earth to become the RockStar of the 21st Century. Hey, dot com this, will ya?

TECHNOLOGY SUPPORT SPECIALIST:
Seeing Doom as a metaphor for life, you are happier being around machines than with people. Your sign is the one most likely to "go postal" when you are interrupted from your game of Asheron's Call to fix the network for yet a third time.

WEB DESIGNER:
Struggling to come to grips with the deepest questions of human existence, since you know better than anyone that you can't even believe what you see with your own eyes anymore in this Photoshop-ready world, your sign is one of the most sensitive of the zodiac. Of course, that could have something to do with all your tattoos and body piercings.

SALES:
The most scent-oriented of all the signs, you think nothing of slapping on a little extra cologne or perfume--to mask the scent of blood when you dive in to nail that client to that extended service contract they really didn't need. Of course, the four course, 2 drink lunch you put on the company's expense account probably would have had that covered.

HUMAN RESOURCES:
Talking to people gives you your reason for living, and fortunately, your job lets you talk to and about everyone while maintaining a thinly disguised veil of actually doing work. Somewhat of a poor stepchild to the Sales & Marketing folks, you get no expense account to go out to fabulous lunches, but that's OK, because you never know what important piece of office gossip you'd miss if you actually left the building

CUSTOMER SERVICE:
All that cheery, positive & chirpy stuff is your cover. You really have a duplicitous side that gives you a talent for mass deception. 'F--- you' is the silent mantra in your head, as you throw daggers with your brain through the flesh of whichever insane idiot is coming to you NOW with their unimportant, petty problems, all the while keeping that smile firmly in place so no one's the wiser. Thank you for calling. Have a Good Day.

ACCOUNTING:
Smarter than many of your coworkers, you suffer from the unsexiest of jobs syndromes. Numbers crunching, after all, does nothing to improve those abs. You also suffer from the Pollyanna syndrom of thinking that everything in life has to come out balanced and even, and that companies actually have to make money in order to be successful. Couple of words of advice for you. Amazon. EBay. MP3.com. All losing money. Stock still up. Get over yourself.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/
DEPT MANAGEMENT/
"TEAM LEADS"
VPS:
Always looking over your shoulder to see who's coming up on your back, you are the most insecure of all the signs, probably because anybody with half a brain could do your job. Not sure if that's true? Hey, why not schedule a meeting so you can discuss the veracity of that statement for a couple of hours, it's not like there's anything else that needs to get done. Targeted for dates by social climbers looking to go to the top, who will learn the hard way that you can only sleep your way to the middle.

CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR:
Everyone hates you because you work when you want and get paid what you want. Do you care? You work when you want and get paid what you want... Hey you! Complaining over there...can you say...loser?

HOUSE MANAGER/MOM:
You are the Queen of Multi-tasking, able to jump three piles of toys & laundry with the speed of someone who's left something on the stove that's now burning, wipe 3 runny noses with a single swoop, and finish the stat reports for your office gig without even batting an eyelash. Armed with eyes in the back of your head, you KNOW ALL and SAW who actually did it. Now, if you were just less tired and could actually do something about it...

DOCTOR:
Too much studying in medical school left no room in your brain to remember the handwriting methods you were taught in your youth, and you therefore have the worst penmanship of all the signs. Your golf handicap, however, blows the rest of them away.

CEO:
One minute you were worrying about midterms, thankful you could finally grow a full beard or perfectly fill out that bikini top (without having visited Brittany's doctor), and fighting the stupid people who ran your school's computer systems about the MP3 collection you maintained for "personal use." Next thing you knew, you were the toast of Silicon Valley--the genius with the killer app--and we're not talking application to grad school, here. If this doesn't describe you, then you are what is known in these here parts as "Adult Supervision" so get ready to deal with those kids today. In the realm of romance, it's best that you stick with Wife/Girfriend or Husband/Boyfriend #1 rather than go for the office romance--dating down would likely put you right smack in line for a sexual harassment suit, and with those IPO millions in the bank, that's probably not a road you want to travel.

OFFICE SUPPORT/SECRETARIAL:
Most organized of all signs, you are also endowed with an extreme tolerance for the BS you so often receive from other less humanly aware signs of the zodiac. You also have a psychic intuition that lets you guess what your boss is thinking, but depending on how nice of a person he or she is, you may or may not let them in on the secret, sometimes choosing to feign ignorance just to get a reaction and your own little laugh kicks on the side. You KNOW you are special and do not need validation from others to prove that. Even though some gorgeous flowers from your boss on Secretaries Day wouldn't exactly suck.

LAWYER:
Unlike other signs, you are able to resolve ethical dilemmas easily, by just changing the words into legalese so no one has any clue at all what the actual issue is. Your life is generally compartmentalized into hours billable and those not, with not much room on the time sheet for family and friends. But that's OK, you're a lawyer, so how many friends do you have anyway? Unless they're being sued, that is...

POLITICIAN:
You are the most attractive of all signs, the most brilliant, compassionate, intelligent, progressive, dynamic, ethical, moral, fiscally responsible, strongest leader your constituents have ever had as a representative. Oh, and by the way, I'm running for election this November--remember to vote for me, OK?

posted April 05, 2005 11:05 PM              

ROFLMAO

*wipes tears*

The after sex comments were sooooo funnie, esp Leo and Cancer, Virgo and Scorp are awesome too, hahaha,

I love the Gem and Aqua descriptions of near death experiences, hehehehe , Aquas is soooo true every Aqua I know is so rebellious that they make Satan look like an angel!

I love the Marketing, Sales and HR descriptions, becoz Im a marketing major, after changing my major from HR After a while of takin HR classes I couldnt really figure out what the core purpose of HR was either....I was like huh??? we seem like the ugly duckling here...hahha there IS a function, no offense HR people, but it jus seems too miniscule too devote an entire field too, unless its organizational behavior, hehhee, Marketing is still better as its the more accepted of the BS fields hahah

posted April 06, 2005 01:46 AM              

TECHNOLOGY SUPPORT SPECIALIST:
Seeing Doom as a metaphor for life, you are happier being around machines than with people. Your sign is the one most likely to "go postal" when you are interrupted from your game of Asheron's Call to fix the network for yet a third time.

Well, you know, I didn't last long at my any of my corporate tech support jobs.... and I'm more of an Age of Empires girl myself

posted April 06, 2005 05:22 AM              

I liked LEO and LIBRA ones

They were nice.I found them hilarious and kind of typical.