posted August 09, 2005 07:10 PM              

But Trust is very hard as you get smarter, you trust less. Still there's a deep primal need to trust that I believe exists. I would believe anything it's true, and then I get my heart broken. I have very trustworthy friends, who get hurt, who protect me.

Cancers trust, so I spend time with Cancers,
and they know the word codependent. On the other hand every major player in this world, trusted someone else totally and had their dreams come true, some dreams died totally.

I find people who are dream makers, but some crush me. I still keep moving on but I have to find ones who do this, its' drama but it's all or nothing with me, and that makes me move on.

In the last 6-9 months alone someone broke into my house and trashed it, peed on my mattress, someone who I trusted. Another walked out on me, after borrowing a large sum of money. Another loved one cheated on me, and betrayed me and laughed that I believed him.

There are big misunderstandings in my life that boil down to me believing someone who was lying. And it's blamed on me because I believed. Still I go on believing and trusting because I have the most amazing lover, the most amazing friends, a home, a home away from home, hope, and pets.

So there must be something to this total trust or nothing thing.

hang in there,

when my last b/f walked out, I told myself I would find a man who treated me like a princess or there would be nothing ever again. And I would die trying, cause I wanted it bad enough. About six months later a man who was not particularly good looking, came into my life and treated me like I was the most amazing angel. He would go out in the middle of the night to buy a cappuccino machine to serve me my favourite type of coffee first thing in the morning, and we never were intimate. He saved the sheets I slept on.

He acted like he was truly happy and blessed to be in my presence, as if I was the coolest, hippest, most fantastically sexy woman in the world. I really feel that way today because of him.

Now I don't know what I did to deserve that, but I held on and refused to give in to crying. I made myself believe, move on, move around, meet new people, or I told myself I would be dead soon. I don't want to live my life feeling dead because of someone who tried to get me to live a dead dream. I need real flesh and blood people, I won't hang on to a dead man, dying dreams.

It's a technicolour world and I don't want to live colour blind.

Hug,

Natasha