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Author Topic:   Cancer and their Mothers
Stargazer
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009

posted October 28, 2005 01:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stargazer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have been with a Cancer/leo cusp guy for many many years.
Over the last couple of years... he has been very insecure, fearful of abandonment and just plain hard to live with. i feel like i am under a big wet blanket most of the time..
I know they are moody and sensitive and i do a great job of keeping things smooth for the most part but...
This man was abandoned by his mother (also a cancer) at age 11. He has nothing to do with her now even though his other siblings have forgiven her and have a relationship with her... he does not and has only had a few contacts with her in several decades... it just seems to be getting out of control... i am afraid sometimes... with his actions with me he is going to bring about what he fears as i can not live this way...
Any body got any ideas... thoughts... experience???

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nove731
Knowflake

Posts: 43
From: Strasbourg, France
Registered: Jun 2009

posted October 28, 2005 01:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for nove731     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
One of my best friends is a Cancer. She can't stand her mother, and vice versa. Her mother is a Libra, so there's some natural Sun sign tension.

Oddly enough, my friend has her Moon in Libra, and it sits right on top of her mother's Sun.

But, um, her mother is still there. They just don't get along. Her father died when she was really little.

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Stargazer
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009

posted October 28, 2005 01:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stargazer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
nove- Thanks! He lost his father too. In fact, that was the reason she left him and 3 other siblings. I guess she just flipped out. Trying not to judge that... we had discussed this at great length early on... we both have Aries Moons and are quite independent thats why i thought this was maybe a "stage" but it will be 2 years in March of living like i am in jail... i don't know what to do anymore... how does your friend deal with this?

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nove731
Knowflake

Posts: 43
From: Strasbourg, France
Registered: Jun 2009

posted October 28, 2005 02:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for nove731     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Deal with what, exactly?

Lol, I'm sorry, I'm having a slow day.

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Anita41
unregistered
posted October 28, 2005 02:33 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Stargazer, I am sorry to hear about your situation. But what is it that is bothering you? Is it that he is constantly moody and sarcastic and possessive of you?
If you are doing your best, then it aint easy and very unfair that you have to put up with this
If it continues and effects your life in a very bad way then you should really think about leaving him.
My mom has cancer sun with leo ascendant (or was it moon?) and I am a libra with aries moon, and we have never gotten along.
In fact my moms mom, (my grandmother) is also a libra and she and mom cant be in the same room for more than 5 minutes.
Me and grandma gets along great.
Also, moms boyfriend is a cancer and we cant stand eachother either...
So we all live far apart and never see eachother much. Its sad, but I can understand the bitterness in your man when I think about my own situation with my family cancers.
Your guy, why do you think he has become like this over the last couple of years?
Maybe it can be because of something else..(?)



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Stargazer
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009

posted October 28, 2005 02:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stargazer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sorry... Has this affected her personal relationships? Is she insecure? (more than most) The not getting along with her mother maybe coupled with the loss of her father?

Anita, I think he is fearful that i am going to abandon him... mid-life crisis maybe...I am younger...we have children..
I can't just leave... sometimes i wish it was that simple.. but i feel the need to fix it some how.. i just don't know how without compromising who i am.... i am busy with the kids.. i'm involved in a lot of social activities and am hassled or made to feel guilty.... he fails to see that i am away not because i don't want to be with him ..... This all was a non issue up until a couple of years ago... my best friend, an aqua, seems to think that it could be he is in fact guilty of something... i think he is afraid i am going to meet someone else. I can't help but think that it is stemming from his relationship/ feelings or lack thereof with his mother.
I do make it a point to set aside alone time ie.. no kids... date night and the like... he enjoys this but it doesn't change anything.. its still not good enough....

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nove731
Knowflake

Posts: 43
From: Strasbourg, France
Registered: Jun 2009

posted October 28, 2005 02:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for nove731     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Sorry... Has this affected her personal relationships? Is she insecure? (more than most) The not getting along with her mother maybe coupled with the loss of her father?

I don't know if her relationship with her mother is what did it, but she's the type that spends weeks liking a guy, and waiting for him to ask her out, then she dates him for like a week, and dumps him. Recently, she had a long term boyfriend (I'm excrutiatingly surprised they lasted 8 months), and he ended up in prison.

She's very insecure. Very, very shy. It's hard to get her to do things. She's an actress, but she rarely does plays because she's so shy.

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thirteen
unregistered
posted October 28, 2005 04:16 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think you need to talk with him about what behavior you can not tolerate any longer. Don't yell and scream that won't work. Think about what aspects of the relationship that drive you nuts and work on it. Mostly do not belitte, put down or blame. It is hard to do but worth it. Set up some consequences and follow thru with them. Like for example: when you act this way Im going to have to leave for a while. Then do it . Over and over if necessary until he gets it. Im no expert but I did almost lose my marriage three years ago and these things worked for me. And most important accept responsibility for your own shortcomings and apologize for them. Accepting responsibility for ones own actions always leads to a greater reward.

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Gemini Nymph
unregistered
posted October 28, 2005 04:32 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Wow, sounds like this Cancer's, well really a Cancer. Cacner, being a water sign, has incredible emoitonal memory and have extreme difficulty healing from emotional trauma. He probably needs so therapy right now because whatever recent changes or events triggered this bout of anxiety isn't obvious to you, so he may not even realize how and why his behaving like this. You probably hit it on the head by linking it to his mother, but something else more recent is troubling him, making this past emotional trauma very present to him now.

Cancers, or other watery types, need three things to cope well with past trauma:

- self-awareness
- understanding and support frorm others
- time

The problm with many Cancer men is that being a water sun and a male is inherently conflicting, so they often don't confront their own emotional issues until it's a problem for everyone in their lives. Sometimes they're so used to repression, avoidance and passive-aggression (like sarcasism - oooohhh, Cancers are so good at that), that they never really get to a place where they can confront their issues and begin to heal.

Hopefully this isn't the case with your Cancer. But you're going to have to be supportive is a "tough love" kind of way, because Cancers that are voiding dealing with their problems can be very defensive and resort to passive-aggression and manipulative behavior (which you'll have to learn not to take personally - lol). You'll probably need so therapy or couseling too, to help you understand his behaviors to how to respond is a helpful yet not enabling way. That's the "undersatnding and support from others" part.

Lastly, water types don't ever forget an emotional wound. What they need is time to expeirence other more positive things to help their psyche balance out the memory of bad stuff vs. good stuff. You can play an active role here by gently reminding him of positive things (like that you've been faithful to him for X number of years, and so forth), and help him put a time reference on his past experiences. Also encourage him to experience new, positive things. And lastly, don't expect him to change overnight - allow him time to feel the things he's feeling.

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Mama Mia
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Posts: 117
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Registered: Feb 2010

posted October 28, 2005 04:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mama Mia     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
huh sounds so draining!!!!

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oddball
unregistered
posted October 28, 2005 04:47 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Funny you mentioned this. I know two libras. They keep peace with everyone, but pick fights with their mothers. Is this a libran trait? To not get along with their mothers?

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MoonPixie
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Posts: 128
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Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 28, 2005 05:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonPixie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I *cannot* stand my mother whatsoever. As a fellow Cancer, however, I can relate. I need a lot of time and space (but unconditional support when I feel like I can talk about the situation) because I like to "hide in my shell". I get really, really shy and cannot say anything about the situation until I feel 100% secure. I still listen to people even if I can't communicate back though. So, I suggest putting your feelings about the situation out in the open. At least you can find some relief in voicing your emotions regarded his mother and how he's reacting to that situation. Don't include him however... it's a bit complicated. You have to voice your emotions- cancer can handle that much- but if you mention him along with how you feel (i.e. i feel 1..2..3.. ~because~ you can't forgive your mother). Emphasize your feelings, not the reason why. Trust me: communicating with a Cancer is all about emphasizing how you feel, not the reasons why.

lol, I know it seems somewhat pointless, but when dealing with a cancer about a touchy sitation, it's like walking a thin line. You have to be careful with every step. It may seem like a lot of work, but I think of it this way: if you're wise, witty, and intelligent enough to be careful with your words, then you can talk to a cancer (and any type of person, to add to that).

Hmm... I've rambled.

Does he have Chiron in Cancer?

------------------
"I can resist anything but temptation." - Oscar Wilde

The Best Feelings Are Those That Have No Words to Describe Them...

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histrionix
unregistered
posted October 28, 2005 11:17 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
If your man's insecure period has to do with his mother, then all our bloody problems can be related back to our parents, and solved by looking into that....a theory I disagree with.

I don't mean to sound cold, but my suggestion is that instead of trying to do too much parental and past psychoanalysis on him, try and focus what it is about your relationship that is nurturing his negative emotions. No matter what situation you are in within a relationship, even if you are predominantly not to blame, both parties carry responsibility as to why they are where they are. Perhaps by focusing too much on his mother, you make him feel like you are neglecting his manhood, by emphasizing all the time some of the more 'feminine' reasons he is going through some 'weak' times.

Everyone experiences self-crises at times, and men are no exception. Consider that he may also be clinically depressed, so I agree with Gemini Nymph that therapy would do him some good, personally.

Just don't put it all on him being a Cancer with bad parents, because you are judging the situation from the wrong angle. Our good or bad upbrining affects us all, irrespective of which sign has more tendancy to place importance on the matter.

My stepfather is a Cancerian Sun and Moon, and a strong, reliable and secure figure as a husband and stepdad. He goes through periods of depression here and there, but his true colors, when happy and well-adjusted, are that of an amazing person.

Best of luck to you, Stargazer. If you believe he is worth it, then hang in there!!!

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Anita41
unregistered
posted October 29, 2005 07:31 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oddball,

"Funny you mentioned this. I know two libras. They keep peace with everyone, but pick fights with their mothers. Is this a libran trait? To not get along with their mothers?"

I feel that with my owm mother, that she is the one picking fights.
She does with everyone. I get a long with most people with all that libra influence
But I was thinking that perhaps that she has 6 planets in fire signs combined with that mercury and sun cancer would have something to do with it. A lot of selfishness thinking and acting, very very dominating with 3 planets in leo lol, and this is what I react to. Even if she does something I don't like, I feel that I often am able to bring her down to a more relaxed and rational level when shes being all restless, but sometimes when she is so damn provocing, looking for trouble in everything, every word i say, when she doesn't listen or understand me after so many times of me explaining things to her, well, then I've had enough.
Also since she has such a hot temper for nothing to everyone in her family ,well, it creates a lot of conflict for us
I wish it wasn't like that though, but sometimes its not easy to talk to people about how you feel, some people just dont get you...


love

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Stargazer
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009

posted October 29, 2005 12:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stargazer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you so much for responding... i need help as i do feel i am at one of those crossroads....
You all have made me really think.... what is it that has happened recently to have him all out of whack (more than normal)?
I'd like to think that it stems from his mother and i think that it is truly the root of the problem but...
Up until a couple years ago i was in a different place.. i mean i as overweight, dealing with health issues.. 5 surgeries within a 5 year period... i didn't feel good, look good and i didn't have alot of energy for aything past my very small children (2 under 5) at that time.. But i worked through it with his help... and believe me i am thankful for him... i expressed my gratitude in many ways...He encouraged me to lose weight and get back to my normal size... Once i got there and now have been there for a couple years... its an issue...He is jealous.. of how i look, my friends, my social life outside of he and i...i have to deal with it even going to the grocery store.. I try so hard to make him feel he is still the one and i put the action behind the words... he can not deny my ability to comprimise.... At the end of the day, it is still not enough....He is afraid... i once said out of anger that,"maybe i should just gain the weight back and then you won't be this way".
he said,"maybe you should"... i will not compromise that... he misses the point completely as i set and reached those goals for me.. to be the me that has something real to offer her family for the first time in a long while... energy to keep up with the demands of running a business. family , and you name it....I just feel tricked. Tricked because the first half of our relationship worked... we had it in us to let the other be who they are.. and the independence to feel their potential. It is truly gut- wrenching, (yes, mam mia draining too).

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Pop Producer
unregistered
posted October 29, 2005 05:48 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't think you can (or need to) handle this yourself... Send him to therapy... I think professional help is advised in these cases... If you try to deal with this yourself it will only bring pain to both of you...

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sthenri
unregistered
posted October 29, 2005 07:53 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is very similar to things I go through with the men in my life..first things are great, with us. Then life creeps in, and he gets jealous of any change, or indication of change or growth that could threaten the relationship. (like a sewing class) Then he turns into a pissy mean person who acts like a woman with her worst cramps ever. And it's all your fault right?

It's not your fault and you can tell him how you feel. But it's a communication issue. Try and find out ways to talk to him, not just at linda-land. Some men just don't listen, and some do, good luck, and don't be afraid to make really big changes all at once rather than small timid ones. It's easier that way.

Natasha
Taurus

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Stargazer
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009

posted October 29, 2005 09:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stargazer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Moon-pixie

He has chiron in Pisces 10th

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