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Author
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Topic: Putting Others Before Yourself
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sdg1844
unregistered
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posted November 27, 2005 04:23 PM
 
Hey....Just wanted to know if any of you had instances in your lives when in order to keep the peace you've kept silent or subjugated aspects of your personality so as not to offend? if so, what was the circumstance and how did you overcome the tendency? ------------------
Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?
-Sai Baba IP: Logged |
sue g
unregistered
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posted November 27, 2005 04:40 PM
Hey sdgYes I did, a LOT..... And what changed it.....age, wisdom and too many knocks, I think.......of course people dont like it when they see you change from a sweet little pushover to an assertive and strong woman. My sister wont speak to me at the moment after telling me for years that "you are too nice" and now I speak out she cant handle it...Jeeeez....people hey, cant win with some can yer? Good luck Love Sue xxx IP: Logged |
moonshine
unregistered
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posted November 27, 2005 04:46 PM
yes, I spent my entire childhood doing just that. My mother was prone to hysterics (still is) whenever the slightest thing (about me) displeased her, so I learned to hide aspects about myself/my life just to keep the peace. I always rebelled wildly in my head though, but couldnt in reality becuase my mother's unreasonable over-emotional reactions beat me every time. After 20 years or so, I found subjugating my personality became second nature, and Im still trying to find myself now. IP: Logged |
jkxx
unregistered
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posted November 27, 2005 05:09 PM
Had to do that a whole lot in my early years, acting as emotional support/counselor for my mother and her (murderous) psychotic boyfriends. "Friends" would have me do favors for them in exchange for nothing. Did it at work as well, until a more assertive coworker threw me in the right direction with telling off my boss.It seems people see you're nice and then use that to turn you into a door mat, then forget all about you once their issue is resolved. I can't say the tendency's been overcome, even though the would-be friends are all gone now. It seems staying away from those people is a good start. -jk IP: Logged |
BlueTopaz124
Knowflake Posts: 207
From: Portland, OR, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 27, 2005 07:51 PM
I've had the same thing happen - I was a sweet, shy child and in my teenage years, spoke up and out and spoke my mind...my father doesn't like it when I do, but it is always for a good reason. I've learned to stay away from 'friends' with an agenda, this happens mostly at work, all it takes is once for someone to utilize my friendship with nothing in return and it's bye-bye for me...I become very aloof/disappear and suddenly they don't exist for me...a woman recently stepped over the line at work with her out of control behaviour. IP: Logged |
cancerrg
unregistered
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posted November 28, 2005 12:28 PM
yeah , a lot of times , i believe .
though , i am pretty uncancer type in speaking up in what i believe in but then again , there are lot of times when i remain silent bcos i feel there is nothing to be said .IP: Logged |
Gemini Nymph
unregistered
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posted November 28, 2005 02:22 PM
I tend to offend without realizing it. LOL. I also tend to offend by doing things I firmly believe ought not be offensive, yet by social standards are. Sometimes I offend by doing things I think are ought to be offensive, and yet I simply don't care. In essence I believe that if people are offended, they've set themselves up to be offended by their own expectations of others. So there's not really a solud standard and that makes for a wide playing field. Sometimes being offended is a negative, oppressive or counterproductive thing, and sometimes not (for example: I personally am deeply offended by people using children for sex - and I think I should be! Being offended by that makes me set certain standards that make me a better person). So I have a rather nuanced take of offending and being offended. I suppose I got to this point by essentially accepting that I am not really ever going to fit into society. I feel I don't have a place in society, adn just kind of co-habitate the same place and time as it. LOL. So if I offend someone, big deal. If I fit into society, I'd have more incentive to play nice, but I don't. Hence my life motto: C'est la vie and f*** all y'all. You see, I'm a philosophical/mystical type, and it's not common for such types to live in a sort of spiritual or mental "exile" rooted in some form of existential alienation. May not sound pleasent to someone else, but I personally wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not advising you to take my lead, but this is something for you to consider: there's consequences for what you do. If you hold back, bit eyour tongue and play nice, there's certain consequences, good and bad. If you don't, again, more good and bad consequence. it's just a matter of which set of consequences you want to live with. And once you've really firmly decided on what *you* want - well, where there's a will, there's a way.  IP: Logged |
jkxx
unregistered
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posted November 28, 2005 02:42 PM
quote:
You see, I'm a philosophical/mystical type, and it's not common for such types to live in a sort of spiritual or mental "exile" rooted in some form of existential alienation. May not sound pleasent to someone else, but I personally wouldn't have it any other way.
I live in mental isolation as well. People's views everywhere (in Colorado, now as well as back here in Eastern Europe where I was born) on how things should be just don't make sense to me. So it seems I'll never fit in anywhere, but that doesn't really seem to matter so long as there's enough freedom for me to beat my own drum wherever I happen to be. Same thing with most of my friends as well - one even went so far as to call himself the "Alien from earth". He's traveling back and forth around the globe too, discovering it's more or less the same no matter where he goes. So, yeah, out of all that, it seems the better decision is to do whatever's right at the personal level, and just forget about societal norms. IP: Logged |
angel_of_hope
unregistered
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posted November 28, 2005 03:02 PM
quote:
yes, I spent my entire childhood doing just that. My mother was prone to hysterics (still is) whenever the slightest thing (about me) displeased her, so I learned to hide aspects about myself/my life just to keep the peace. I always rebelled wildly in my head though, but couldnt in reality becuase my mother's unreasonable over-emotional reactions beat me every time.
After 20 years or so, I found subjugating my personality became second nature, and Im still trying to find myself now.
Moonshine ... that is sooooo sooo sooo me! The part about subjecting your personality and still trying to find yourself, couldnt describe me any better! ---- It's sad but people do tend to see and feel the love and take advantage of that love! IP: Logged |
moonshine
unregistered
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posted November 28, 2005 05:31 PM
angel of hope: its a long road and its hard isnt it? most parents dont mean to but they can so f*k up your mental state!! I used to not understand what I was doing when i was younger (supressing my personality, it was a subconcious thing, that mostly came out of fear and a desire to keep as much attention away from me as possible), but I found as I got older my reactions often became way out of kilter from whatever situation I was in. I always tried to change myself to fit in with friends (a people-pleaser you might say) but somewhere along the way i lost myself and in my 20s I became very depressed and felt cut-off from myself inside. Things got better after I withdrew deep inside myself and managed to identify what my problem was. Now (Im 34) while Im still not perfect, at least knowing where I went wrong helps me. I think Im a stronger person now and while i still have someof the same behaviour patterns, I understand myself a lot better. Things havent changed between my mum and me much but as Im older now I dont see her as much as i used to! Although I know she loves me and cares for me (in her own way), she has absolutely no idea what damage she did to me. Or what I've had to go through to heal myself.
Anyway, didnt mean to bore you with my life story! what happened to you...? IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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