posted February 19, 2006 10:11 AM              

My cancer boyfriend started pushing me away after a couple of months into the relationship. At first, things were great. Later on, he got crabby and moody. When we talk about this and he says everything started over a text message I sent him, me jokingly telling him that I was surrounded by a lot of men at that time, when I was with my parents who were visiting me from out of town and he was actually with us a few hours back. He said he didn't trust me anymore. I said, that was obviously a joke, but he broke up with me, only to come back a few days later. I never really believed his reason, maybe that's why I allowed him to do this over and over over the course of almost one year. Later on, though, the break ups were longer than before. The last time we broke up over me cooking for him. He thought he forced me into cooking for him and that he "feels" like I did not cook out of my own will and that makes him feel bad. I like showing care and affection through doing something for him and he thinks I do them not out of love, but out of trying to change his opinions of me. He told me that he needed someone who does not love him so that he wouldn't feel bad for her if things do not work well between them. That was something I never really understood, either.

I decided to move out of town as he and I hang out with the same crowd and that in order to avoid him, I was feeling lonely. A new job offer has something to with it, too, but I know I wouldn't have taken the job if I had a good relationship with him.

As the time approches for me to decide whether I take this job or not, I feel like I am hoping him to come back and tell me that he is ready to make a commitment and that every 'unreal' reason he had for running away was just a foolish period. Hope is a terrible thing.

I feel like calling and talking to him, but I know it's not going to help. He will be even crabbier and more hurtful. I haven't really understood what went on between us. He is not seeing other women. He has no major problems in life. He says he loves me. We are so good together when we are together, but at the blink of an eye, he breaks up with me over scenarios he writes in his head.

posted February 19, 2006 11:10 AM              

wow... i know what you mean... i mean, my boyfriend (a typical pisces,i guess) doesn't have commitment problems, i guess it is inner commitment... (if you want to know the story,see my recent post "Can my boyfriend help himself?")...

believe me, i know what it's like to have a person on our side that "sees" things...and makes up his mind following his own clues...

in response to your opinion, i do really think you should me the right person to tell him that and help him overcome it... in my experience, love has great cure abilities... since you don't overlook your own "survival" abilities while trying to help the other person...

i mean, i've been trying to help my boyfriend,not my doing anything special, just by staying on his side, giving him my shoulder and never judge his faults... (thats the way he's used to be treated his whole life...)... and he's learning to overcome his fears and pain...

i really think you should talk with him... maybe let him alone for a while... so that he can accept more easily your help...

your post made me wonder, are all aqua men like this... "paranoid" and confused/confusing???

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posted February 19, 2006 01:03 PM              

You said;

quote:

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I feel like calling and talking to him, but I know it's not going to help...Why am I confused?

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You don't sound too confused to me! Get away from him, let go of him, and let him solve his own control problems in his own time. If he can't recognize a good thing when it's right in front of him...he isn't worth your time!

Unconfusingly,

posted February 19, 2006 07:33 PM              

I have two Cancers like that in my life, one in my old town, one in my new town and both are equally a pain. They both fly away at the first argument and say it's my fault. Both are available and don't date others but they LOVE the emotional rollercoasters.

They like to take care of you, too so if you are working on your career it may not work out.

posted February 22, 2006 03:24 PM              

>>" He has no major problems in life."

You know, it's a funny thing, but sometimes this can be a problem in and of itself. Some folk just can't rest and enjoy, they have to be badgering over something.

As Tim says, there is a power thing going on here... maybe he likes having you on this yoyo to keep coming back and boosting his confidence, then he pushes you away again, then again you come back and reassure him yet again..

So all the time you're reinforcing that he's a good guy by being there for him - when in fact he's being exactly the opposite.

Cancerians need constant reassurance, but there are certainly more constructive and less childish ways of getting it than the old "oh, i'm *sooo* awful, you don't want to be with me [cue lots of sighing and big puppy eyes]" approach.

Now that you have put your foot down and set about moving elsewhere, there's a real danger his yo-yo string will go *SNAP* and he's panicking )

Don't let his behaviour confuse you, he's just being manipulative, and - sorry to say it - a big insecure baby, at your expense.

You are right to stick to your guns and move away from this.

posted February 22, 2006 03:53 PM              

quote:

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he breaks up with me over scenarios he writes in his head.

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Oh yes, the old 'imagined slights' problem

I know this isn't the same kind of relationship at all, but my mother is a classic Cancerian and over many years of huge rows and make ups I've kind of learnt how to handle the Cancerian 'dramas'! She often imagines that everyone is against her and that she's unwanted, unloved and generally a hopeless case... in fact the truth is so much the opposite that these imaginings are quite astonishing!

Firstly, he sounds as if he's doing the classic 'punch the world on the nose before it punches you' thing that Cancerians tend to do bless them. If you have a copy of Linda's Love Signs, turn to the Cancer-Cancer chapter and read the conversation between 2 Cancerians that she so cleverly and accurately wrote! They go from understanding and empathising with each other to arguing and slinging insults back and forth, back to soothing each other in the space of a few paragraphs! I adore my mother but I am fully aware how emotionally manipulative she can be at times and I now I simply refuse to play the game with her. I'm sure she doesn't even realise she's doing it half the time you know, and it's balanced by her hugely compassionate nature and the way she nurtures and helps everyone she meets. I also have Cancer asc so I am not slinging mud unfairly! I know just what it's like to be in the grip of the Moon's moody ebbs and flows!

It sounds as though you've made up your mind so this advice is probably irrelavent to you but just in case you have further situations to deal with, I find it helps to simply be as logical and factual as possible in the face of Cancerian dramas. Don't rise to it and don't state anything but the facts of the situation; do try to understand their feelings and if you do, tell them you do immediately because one of the fundamental things that calms any Cancerian's fears/worries/dramas is feeling understood by the other person.

That is likely to bring out the wonderful loony sense of humour once again and their beautiful caring side will emerge once more to redress the balance and understand your feelings.

It does rather sound as if he has got some deep rooted insecurities where relationships are concerned and that may be something he has to sort out by himself by changing his attitude to them. Only he can do that because as we all know, change must come from within. But you can help if you want to by being as honest about your feelings and what you want as possible. Show him that you're not playing games and that you have the courage to stand by your feelings whatever they are. He'll admire you for that at least and may try to emulate the quality.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if you love him enough to try to help him confront these fears he has. If not then send him on his way with all the best wishes in the world, but if so... take a deep breath and be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster! Good luck and I hope it works out whatever you decide.