posted May 01, 2006 02:00 PM            

PISCES - Feb. 19 to March 20: You spend many happy hours in drag. You often fantasize yourself and J. Edgar Hoover sharing a dress and locked in a romantic tryst inside a White House broom closet. Your greatest fear is that the FBI might videotape you indulging in your secret perversions then play it back at a Senate Hearing on Obscenity and Pornography. You are a nebbish and a braggart and often impotent. Pisces people are the ones most likely to turn up in hospital emergency rooms with dead gerbils stuffed into their dank and sunless privates.

ARIES - March 21 to May 20: There is no perversion you have not tried. Your invitations to have sex frequently involve firearms or other lethal weapons. You like to beat your spouse and in a sadomasochistic relationship, you are the one holding the whip.

TAURUS - April 20 to May 20: You are remarkably dull in bed. You strongly favor the Missionary Position. During sex, you huff and you puff and you make it seem like hard work to all involved for the entire five minutes it takes you from start to finish. Your lover often falls asleep in the middle of sex. To make up for your deficiencies, you collect hard core pornography.

GEMINI - May 11 to June 20: People like you because you are bisexual. However, all agree that you talk too much during sex. You are known to be cheap and have earned a reputation for stiffing on services rendered. Hookers, therefore, demand payment in advance from you. Geminis are known for committing incest. Of all the signs, you are most likely to write, direct, produce or act in hard core pornography.

CANCER - June 21 to July 22: You are a patsy and a sucker and will spread your legs or butthole to anyone with a sad story. You are too weak-minded to say no to anyone asking for anything. This explains why, more often than not, you suffer from venereal disease and unplanned pregnancies. In an S&M relationship, Cancers are always the whippees, not the whippers. Most welfare recipients are cancer people.

LEO - July 23 to Aug. 22: You consider yourself the dominant partner in a sexual relationship but others think you are pushy and bossy and want nothing to do with you unless they have a bad self esteem problem. Most Leo people are bullies and should stay away from Aries because otherwise fists and whips will fly. If male, you are most probably a wife-beater and should consider marrying a Cancer female. You love to be admired for the large size of your penis, if male. Hookers born in the sign of Leo are likely to steal your wallet. An ideal choice of lover for a Leo is a full-length mirror.

VIRGO - Aug. 23 to Sept. 22: You are frigid and anal retentive. When you are lucky enough to get laid, you spoil it by critiquing your lover's performance. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Those born into the sign of Virgo are more likely than anyone else to wear pantyhose while having sex or wear underpants to bed.

LIBRA- Sept. 23 to Oct. 22: You like to dress up in costume while having sex. You also enjoy having sex in public places and in unusual and challenging positions. If you are a man, you more than likely are queer. Most Libras, male and female alike, are good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease. If a person, not a Libra, suffers from a venereal disease, most likely he caught it from a Libra.

SCORPIO - Oct. 23 to Nov. 21: You will lie, cheat and steal to get laid. You are an ideal partner for a Cancer. Many of the most successful pimps are Scorpios. They get rich by cheating their girls, and videotaping then blackmailing their customers. Most Scorpio people are murdered by their lovers or by irate "Johns."

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 22 to Dec. 21: You are the one most likely to have a boner while giving a business presentation in front of a large group of conservatively dressed strangers. You are the one to buy Trojans Extra Large for your pathetic three-inch winkie. If you aim for your lover's privates, you will, most likely, miss and end up plunging your tiny little erection into her cat to the annoyance of all concerned. Since you are the one most likely to recklessly rely on luck you are frequently stung by paternity suits. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends, which explains many of their other problems. People laugh at you a great deal, especially while having sex with you.

CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 to Jan 19: You are more dull and boring than anyone can possibly endure. Develop, therefore, a good relationship with the palm of your hand. This should not be considered a tragedy since you would rather slop around the house in your torn and stained underwear eating taco chips and watching television than having sex anyway. If you are a male and your spouse produces a child, chances are it's not yours."

Written by somebody not me.

posted May 01, 2006 02:04 PM              

quote:

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with dead gerbils stuffed into their dank and sunless privates.

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posted May 01, 2006 04:37 PM            

LMAO... yeah, It would be kind of fun to see what kind of kinky sex can be had with a mirror... well, between the Leo and the Mirror... My advice though would be to insinuate myself in a "position" that would not only gratify my Archer self, but so that the Leo could get his full view in the mirror...

posted May 01, 2006 11:50 PM            

Gah, I had to miss an important opportunity to hook up one of my biotches to type this...
****** -slaps all of you*

posted May 02, 2006 02:06 PM              

quote:

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CANCER - June 21 to July 22: You are a patsy and a sucker and will spread your legs or butthole to anyone with a sad story. You are too weak-minded to say no to anyone asking for anything. This explains why, more often than not, you suffer from venereal disease and unplanned pregnancies. In an S&M relationship, Cancers are always the whippees, not the whippers. Most welfare recipients are cancer people.

---

posted May 02, 2006 02:12 PM              

Aquarius

If there was a land of Aquarians, and you could go there, it would be a place where the men were men, the women were women, and all their partners in every conceivable combination were satisfied. They are a devoted, friendly bunch; open-minded, tolerant, and playful. The less tolerant around them may perceive their spontaneity as being unpredictable and their ability to move on as an inability to commit. Aquarians are intellectual, enjoy good conversation, and can dish out a double-meaning better than most. I once accused an Aquarian of being lazy. He wasn’t, he replied, he’d just lost interest in the task at hand; there were plenty of things he was interested in, and he was quite enthusiastic when involved in them -- well said without actually saying. Not lazy then, but still not a fan of hard work; they’ll order the easy-assemble, easy-stow under the bed St. Andrew’s Cross Kit before they build their own.

All that free-love stuff associated with Aquarius is intriguing isn’t it? Well, go with it if you want, but don’t bother with the pretense that you’re not up to something. If you’re doing the neighbor, or your boss, or your old girlfriend, the pizza delivery guy -- whoever, don’t lie about it. You probably won’t have to stop it, but you’d better tell the truth. Aquarians are delighted by the differences of the world. They will not be wearing matching outfits unless it’s skin against skin. Ever F*** someone when you were completely naked and they were fully dressed? Probably an Aquarian -- gotta love them..

Chain them if you must, just leave the key within reach; they need to know that they are free to go whenever they want. Don’t tell them you’re not done as they head out the door, or they won’t be coming back. Most importantly do not bore them -- they will treat you like you have the plague.

The Aquarian man is an intellectual, and wants a mind to go with the warm body he’s bedding. He’d like you to be right there with him, and you’d better pay attention so you’ll know exactly how it is that you’ve ended up strapped to the coffee table. A veritable roller coaster ride in the bedroom, kitchen, living room, basement; if you’ve missed a spot, he just hasn’t had you there yet.

The Aquarian woman is not far different. You’d better know more than her first name that first time. Don’t even try faking it, because she’ll know, and you’ll be gone faster than you came -- if you even get that far.

The ankles and calves are Aquarian hot spots. Who can resist delicately turned ankles and tapered calve muscles flashing briefly beneath a long slitted skirt; slipping out of the rumpled bed sheets; stretched and straining to reach the very highest shelf? They will be most appreciative that even though you know what’s at the top of that fabulous leg, you are willing to start way down at the bottom.

posted May 02, 2006 04:22 PM            

That is THE funniest thing I have read on here in a long time. Maybe ever.

I am showing that to everyone I know.

posted May 02, 2006 05:43 PM            

If you have time, would you be so kind as to post her interpretation of Sagittarius. I can't get to it from my work comp as it says "blocked for adult content" LOL

posted May 02, 2006 06:22 PM            

Clean Sheet-ology: Sagittarius, Ass Up in the Grass

by Nola Summers
(12/03/03)

Sagittarius

Such a list of lovely traits: broadminded, enthusiastic, passionate, charming, impulsive. He or she could talk you into following them home and you'd still think it was your idea the next morning. Don't leave your toothbrush though -- you're not staying that long. I know a lovely Sagittarian that I've been keeping at arms-length for years, because with all the zipping and zagging about he did, I thought he needed taking care of, and that seemed like too much work to do over and above the sex. Silly me, I realize now I could have had that man whenever I wanted -- I just had to send him on his way afterwards. (Where are my car keys? I've got some catching up to do.)

The Sagittarius woman is direct in her pursuit: "I want you," and generous with her affections: "Did you need to come again?" Nothing is that easy though, and what are you going to do when trying to make her jealous doesn't work? Does that mean you get to sleep with other people? It might.

The Sagittarian man is the epitome of the hunter -- the seduction is everything. When he says he loves you, it's not just because he's got his **** buried balls-deep inside you, he means it. He loves you...and you, and you too.

Want it to be finders-keepers? -- Never bore these people, ever. When faced with the choice of black-tie and fine china, or flannel and campfire pots, under the starry skies will win every time. The great outdoors appeals immensely to the Sagittarian, and not sex in the car in the parking lot; ******* in the forests, fellatio in the fields, green knees instead of rug burns when you're ass up on a carpet of moss. How many times did you hear "Go outside and play"? You're just a bigger kid now, so get going, there's a Sagittarian out there somewhere just waiting.

posted May 02, 2006 07:35 PM              

ORAL SEX:

ARIES - Like it hot and spicy. Won't give up trying to put Tabasco sauce and Jalapeno peppers on/in their partners private parts (as well as their own) in spite of many visits to emergency room

TAURUS - Don't be flattered. They are not saying "More, more...." They are saying "Moo-o, moo-o"

GEMINI - Prefer to be on the receiving end. That way they can read the paper at the same time.

CANCER - Don't like it. Too scared to be bitten.

LEO - Capable of reaching orgasm in 30 seconds without any physical contact. All they need is to hear "I have NEVER seen anything THAT big!"

VIRGO - secretly turned on by the smell and taste of Glorox but then complain for days that it gave them excruciating headache and diarrhea.

LIBRA - What? You mean you have never heard of a pubic hairdresser?

SCORPIO - Very dangerous! The site of their tattoos can easily make you choke on their piercing accessories.

SAGITTARIUS - That tastes familiar...have we met before?

CAPRICORN - Want to get them REALLY excited? Wrap it in a dollar bill.

AQUARIUS - Isn't there any OTHER way to do it?

PISCES - Can really get into it and turn quite intense while fantasizing about beer bottle.

posted May 02, 2006 07:48 PM              

*edit
Hmmm I lost my sig somewhere...

posted May 02, 2006 09:44 PM            

"In an S&M relationship, Cancers are always the whippees, not the whippers"

posted May 02, 2006 10:44 PM              

GEMINI - Prefer to be on the receiving end. That way they can read the paper at the same time.