posted June 17, 2006 10:13 AM              

Saturn Square Pluto:

Sometimes you could believe that all the burdens of the universe rest on your shoulders and cannot get rid of the feeling that you have been treated unfairly. If you start to whine about your fate, then it is time to take a closer look at reality and see that the problem may lie in the way you go about things. Maybe you were a notorious coward as a child, who avoided every confrontation at the slightest chance of defeat.

posted June 17, 2006 11:26 AM              

You are going through hard times, sort of rethinking your past doings, whats understandable, I think this hapens at some point of our lives, but please don't be so harsh on yourself. I'm sure you'll overcome this phase.

posted June 17, 2006 12:51 PM              

I ran across a quote just the other day that I've filed safely at the fore, for the next wave... It's a book by Zig Ziglar... ' You are the only one who can use your ability. It is an awsome responsibility'...

~ geminstone

posted June 17, 2006 10:42 PM              

I realize that you asked for an astrological explanation, but the thing I got while reading your post was that Bach Flower Essences could help you. I have taken many of them on many different occasions and they help in a gentle, natural, subtle way! I would suggest that you could try:

Crab Apple - Crab Apple is the 'cleansing remedy' for mind and body, recommended for those who feel unclean and suffer from a poor self image. Crab apple people may be obsessively house-proud, or have a mental obsession with cleanliness and trivialities.

Crab Apple is indicated for people who are ashamed of and embarrassed by unpleasant physical symptoms such as skin problems or discharges, they are disheartened if treatment fails (see also Gentian). People with skin problems can use it externally, as a lotion (a few drops in water), in a compress, or added to the bath (10 drops).

The positive potential of Crab Apple is acceptance of oneself and one's imperfections. Positive Crab Apple people have a positive self-image and are relaxed about the way they look and their environment.

and

Larch - Larch is for lack of self-confidence, for people who won't even try because they are sure in advance that they will fail. They suffer from feelings of inferiority. They are secretly aware they have potential ability but refuse to acknowledge it, thereby avoiding the risk of failure.

This is also a useful remedy for anyone who lacks confidence before examinations, interviews, driving tests, etc. (see also Rescue Remedy).

The positive potential of Larch is expressed in people who are determined, capable, with a realistic sense of self esteem, unworried about failure or success. They are aware of their own potential and work towards achieving it. They are able to take the initiative, to take risks, and refuse to accept the word 'can't'. They use their critical faculties sensibly.

I hope you feel better!

posted June 18, 2006 01:56 AM              

Neptune is conjunct my ascendant right now (transiting)

Uranus is also transiting my first house

posted June 18, 2006 11:06 PM              

From what you've said it looks like you've gotten into your mind a strong fear of rejection, and you are becoming your worst enemy by rejecting yourself. You said you don't think people in your day-to-day life know how terrible you feel. This is probably because you've hidden it from them out of fear of being rejected. You've got them believing the outside and you feel that they accept that. It's starting to bother you, which is actually a sign that you are wanting to open up and let those day-to-day people in your life. Perhaps you are upset with this wall and it's starting to close in. You've opened up anonymously here on the site, which is a great first baby step. As you can see from everybody's posts, no one is rejecting you for how you feel. Take baby steps and you'll learn how to work more confidently with boundaries.

Take care and good luck

posted June 19, 2006 01:12 PM              

quote:

---

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell

Give not over thy soul to sorrow; and afflict not thyself in thy own counsel. Gladness of heart is the life of man and the joyfulness of man is length of days.
-- Ecclesiastes

---

Forgive yourself for past imagined/illusioned mistakes. One of my favorites, that I know i've said before, is Shakespeare's - "All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts..." This means that all of us are here in this illusion, this dense fog of life. But when we 'go' we can hug those who've hurt us here and say to them, "Wow, you played an excellent role in my life! You were completely awful, and very convincing. Your acting skills even made me weep." I say this because what you believe other people will do to you, they will do. And it's hard to not think negativly when bummed out. Just know it is NOT PERSONAL and it is an illusion designed for your growth.

All we have is right NOW. Let go. Be gentle with yourself. You know we all have a little kid that lives inside us?! Imagine how you talk to and how kind you are to the innocent sweet little ones, and treat yourself that way too. You DO deserve it!

If you don't like something about the way ya look, or ya simply don't like yourself anymore, I could say just change it because your reality becomes what you think, but I won't say that. It's because I know you're hurting, and I know what it's like to hurt, especially in the ways you've explained! Hell, you're talkin to a gal who was born (yeah, I know I chose it) with Saturn opposite Moon, both squared Venus! I know what it's like not liking yourself at times, or thinking that others might just be better off without you. I am also going through some toughen-the-F***-up transits. I have Saturn conjunct Saturn in a few weeks (LOL i'm counting down), Saturn opposite Moon (transiting and natal), Uranus conjunct MC, Jupiter square Moon, and Jupiter opposite Jupiter, Chiron conjunct Moon. So these energy currents of the planets will be pressing down on me in certain ways, but I do not have to let them crush me! They have no power over me unless I let them. Yes, maybe I need to slow down a bit and pay attention and take little baby steps forward, but that's ok. I try to look for the things that make me laugh cuz a laugh bumps up the whole vibe in a good way.

I guess this big ol' rant is me just trying to let you know that you're not alone! I don't typically 'go off' like this but when I get depressed, and introverted, and feeling crapy about myself, I know it means I am transmuting a huge amount of stuff. The shift inbetween this change from one form to another is very uncomfortable. It makes me feel just like crying nonstop. You will be better, and stronger, and reborn very soon. Just hang in there and keep posting your thoughts.

posted June 20, 2006 10:50 AM            

don't lose hope hun..i think we all can feel that way inside, and your're right most people can't tell because they are too busy feeling it as well. Just remember you are NOT alone. funny last year i was listening to my friends ipod and almost broke down listening to some songs too.. you seem to be an emotional person, and that's a good thing! i know it's easier said than done, but try not to be so hard on yourself, you're a good person, and that's more than a lot of people can say..