posted June 28, 2006 07:23 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
The grown man with the attributes of a vile child is invariably Cancer. If he's also wearing a diaper, back off. He's either too young for you-or too old.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
In a bookstore asking for directions to the self-help section; in a Goodwill store shopping for your birthday present; out drinking with the boys just to prove he's one of them (however, one alcoholic beverage too many [one] and he'll be whining about how hard it ish to find a woman who can live up to hish moth-er'sh expectashuns).

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Tell him you like his mom. Tell him you like him. Or be honest, straightforward, and positive and tell both of them to drop dead.

THE FIRST DATE
He'll invite you over to dinner and cook for you because it's cheaper than going out. On the rare occasion he invites you to his mom's place, it'll only be because he still lives there.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
When he's declared his undying love. Which he will. Very quickly. He's a two-fingers-down-the-throat romantic who used to steal glances at his mother's Danielle Steel novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler. Just don't be surprised when he takes his words back again the next morning - particularly after mom bangs on the bedroom door and asks if he's all right because she heard him moaning and groaning through the night and thought he might have an upset tummy.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Never, ever, ever marry a Cancer b*****d. Or else you'll be forced to become his surrogate mother because that's the only way you'll get his attention and her goat.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
He's doing you a big favor and since favors aren't his forte, you should be grateful. Of course, because the Cancer b*****d doesn't like being alone with himself for too long (and who can blame him) he's bound to come crawling back.

posted June 28, 2006 07:37 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on America's Most Wanted the night before and faintly remember words like "bludgeoned," "manhunt" and "Virgo." However, he's much more attractive in the flesh. He's well groomed and often fair of hair - like most serial killers in most killer serials. Just look for the cool, calm, collected one doing nothing but staring disconcertingly at you from across the room.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Holding up lines at the bank querying service charges. Loitering inside the Army Reserves. In a public restroom wiping the evidence off his hands. In a maximum-security psychiatric ward complaining that the wardens put his jacket on back to front, and, furthermore, it doesn't GO with his trousers.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Mention your inheritance in casual conversation. At the same time run your finger seductively up and down the bar counter and comment upon the disgraceful amount of dust there.

THE FIRST DATE
When he eventually gets arond to asking you out, he'll take you to one of those Hare Krishna centers where for less than fifty cents you can have all the lentils you do not wish to eat. (Handy Hint: Don't insincerely offer to split the check unless you genuinely want to get rid of all small change in the bottom of your handbag.) Be on your guard if, toward the end of the evening, he says he knows this great little spot for an after-dinner drink and it happens to be down a basement, atop a cliff, or up a dark alley.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Don't. The Virgo b*****d does for sex what mad cow disease did for the traditional pot roast.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
What question are you talking about here? "When you polish your faucet in the future can you also remember to clean the bathtub?" "How come I'm paying for dinner again?" or "Why do you wax the hair on your chest when you've got so little on your head?"

IF HE DUMPS YOU
Like most things in Virgo's life, he'll probably never get around to it. If he does, it's obviously because you didn't keep this shower recess clean enough or file his grocery receipts properly. Either that or you flicked through the mug shots at the local police station, pointed to his face, and said, "That's him. That's the low-life who loaned me twenty-five cents to make an emergency phone call afterhe attempted to hack me to death."

IF YOU DUMP HIM
He'll be ominously, quietly hurt. And just when you think you're rid of him, he'll appear from behind, accompanied by dodgy camera angles and predictable cello solo. Don't think he's hiding a bunch of flowers behind his back - flowers cost money. No, the thing in his hand behind his back is that godda**ed ice pick again.

*Note*

posted June 28, 2006 07:49 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Find him attractive and he'll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore him and he'll be all over you. Yes, we know, we've just described the behavior of almost any man - so also look for an unhealthy gleam in his eye (as seen in the eyes of members of religious cults or people who live in small, padded rooms with locks on the outside).

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Look in the exalted circles of Nobel laureates, investors of things that help mankind, and great humanitarians to find your very own Aquarian b*****d. Or look in the nearest loony bin (there are even more of them to choose from there). And if all else fails, look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there'll be at least one half-drowned Aquarius onboard.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Talk about some really interesting things you've done; like the time you restored peace in the Middle East; how you invented a cure for cancer; or when you discovered and communicated with a new form of life in the next galaxy - stuff like that. (Tip: In general conversation, try not to come across as too ideologically unsound).

THE FIRST DATE
It probably won't be a date as such. He's more interested in you as a person and will ask you out on that pretext. After a few friendly encounters he'll notice you are a girl. You can then move things along from there.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
There is no need to abide by convention for this or any other aspect of your dealings with Aquarius. But do it discreetly so he doesn't notice. He'd hate to think he was taking advantage of you. N.B. To save you from disappointment, be aware that when Aquarius mentioned the Big Bang theory he wasn't referring to his sexual performance.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Never, under any circumstances, do this. It will alert him to the fact that you think of the relationship as more than just friendship. However, if you happen to be a member of an oppressed minority group, you stand a good chance of getting an Aquarian b*****d to the altar - he won't want to be guilty of discrimination.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
He'll never really drop you. He'll always value you as a person. He'll just stop having sex with you - so the relationship will hardly change.

posted June 28, 2006 08:21 PM              

That was terrible!!! Terrible, but funny!

posted June 29, 2006 02:15 AM              

quote:

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Cancer: IF YOU DUMP HIM He'll run bawling to Mommy and she'll make him demand back the presents he bought you with her pension.

---

OMFG THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!

He went crying to mommy who actually demanded I give back everything he ever gave me; and only backed off when I told the silly cow she could see me in court.

quote:

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HOW TO SPOT ONE: If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on America's Most Wanted the night before and faintly remember words like "bludgeoned," "manhunt" and "Virgo."

---

OMFG! Another one that really happened!

A friend called for me to turn on the morning news, and there goes my new boyfriend in handcuffs, and the announcer says "Authorities have finally caught up with man wanted for white collar crime involving millions..."

I could have died. He seemed so clean cut and well groomed...

posted June 29, 2006 10:57 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Throw peanuts. If he catches them in his mouth, he's probably Aries. But if he then starts beating his chest and picking lint off your clothes, he's definitely Aries.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Commandeering a cave. Moving his lips while reading The Cat in the Hat. Or marching at a Real Men Against Women's Rights to Answer Back rally. If he's in the kitchen, he's obviously lost.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
This is tricky because you need to be two things at once. You've got to be loud and obnoxious so he thinks he's found his soul mate. At the same time you must show your soft, feminine side so his masculinity isn't threatened. The best way to do both simultaneously is to hurl spitballs at the pavement while taking care not to hit your Laura Ashley frock.

THE FIRST DATE
He'll either take you to the zoo to meet his family or else he'll invite you to the annual Especially Privileged Ladies Night at the Lodge and tell you what you'd like to eat, how much you'd like to drink, and be horrified when you attempt to open your mouth for anything other than eating.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Whenever. If he doesn't have honorable intentions, he'll think you're trash but have sex with you anyway. If he does like you, he'll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Don't. That's a man's job. Just relax and enjoy your independence while you still have it. You'll have years to regret giving it up.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
Forget him. Since the Aries b*****d is incapable of admitting he's wrong - particularly in front of a woman - he's hardly likely to come loping back into your life declaring it was all a big mistake. If he does, it's only because no other woman will have him.

posted June 29, 2006 11:10 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Your typical Pisces b*****d often has light blue or green eyes. This is God's small way of helping you to spot pupil dilation more easily when he's telling you a bold-faced lie. He'll also have small hands and feet - you will later note these are in direct proportion to his spine, brain, and everything else that matters.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
On a cross feeling sorry for himself. In a Buddhist monastery attempting to stay celibate. Undergoing cosmetic surgery at regular intervals to have his nose reduced.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Take drugs, screw around, and behave badly in public. Then blame it all on your sad, truly pathetic upbringing. This will make him feel better about his own shortcomings while at the same time make him want to save you in the vain hope you will look up to him for the rest of your life.

THE FIRST DATE
If you must go anywhere decent, organize it yourself. Otherwise you'll end up walking for miles looking for this really excellent Chinese restaurant he's been to and knows is somewhere. Round the corner.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
When he's drunk. When his girlfriend isn't looking. When he feels like it. Don't be surprised when you get charged with date rape in the morning if he regrets what he's done (i.e., if his girlfriend finds out).

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Don't. While your average Pisces ******* quite likes the idea of love ever after, he isn't equipped to deal with harsh realities like showing up at the chapel on time, swearing on the Bible, and saying "I do" when he patently never does.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
He won't as this would mean he'd have to be responsible for his own actions. Instead he'll engineer it so you have to do it for him - that is, he'll act so unavailable you'll be convinced you aren't going out with him anymore so therefore it's okay if you sleep with someone else. This affords him the right to be duly devastated and hump all his old flames in an attempt to get on with his life.

posted June 29, 2006 11:23 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
He's the charmingly boyish, well-dressed one, with the nicely blow-dried hair and the vacant expression on his face.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
At forks in the road, in modern, dual-flushing toilets or on the judging panel of a Ms. Universe contest. In fact, anywhere there are trivial decisions to be made.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Appear to be Gisele fresh from a Victoria's
Secret shoot. Appear to be carefree and unused to heavy thoughts. Appear to be very young with overdeveloped breasts. Then wait with the patience of an angel for him to make a move.

THE FIRST DATE
The first date with Libra is usually quite wonderful. He'll take you to a popular place where the wine (you chose it), wit (yours, that is), and conversation (yours again) will flow. He'll even pick up the check with a generous flourish (he's seen other men do it). So why did you have to go and spoil it all by asking if he's going to call you again?

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Hold out as long as possible - it's not like you'll be missing anything. Stretch it out for a year or two while he's busy deciding whether or not to date you. In any case, it'll end up being your decision and therefore your fault.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you want the relationship to end.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
This means he has met somebody else as he's incapable of ending a relationship without help from a grown-up. If you try to get him back, it'll just confuse him. Whether or not he goes or stays, he'll claim you forced him into the decision. Best to leave well enough alone.

IF YOU DUMP HIM
Libra will be settled, happily or not, with a new partner before the ink is dry on the Dear [insert-appropriate-standard-boy's-name-here] letter you send him. You could feel outraged at the speed with which he forgets you. Then again, you'll find it impossible to continue to take him that seriously.

*NOTE*

posted June 30, 2006 01:56 AM              

quote:

---

Libra:
WHERE TO FIND ONE on the judging panel of a Ms. Universe contest.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Appear to be Gisele fresh from a Victoria's
Secret shoot. Appear to be very young with overdeveloped breasts.

---

OMFG! YES! He was a talent scout for Playboy! And a photographer, for "figure" models in men's magazines!

He tried to seduce me, but I gave him the brush off because he was in a long term [READ: go-nowhere] relationship.

Last I heard they are still living together, and have been "engaged" for over ten years now!

posted July 03, 2006 03:38 PM              

Can you fill in the blanks and do Leo and Taurus please. I'm printing them out to show my friends and would like the complete set

posted July 03, 2006 04:50 PM              

quote:

---

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Your typical Pisces b*****d often has light blue or green eyes. This is God's small way of helping you to spot pupil dilation more easily when he's telling you a bold-faced lie. He'll also have small hands and feet - you will later note these are in direct proportion to his spine, brain, and everything else that matters.

---

posted July 04, 2006 06:04 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
His entrance will always be preceded by a drum roll. Of course if you miss his entrance you'll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can't miss him there - not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him pointing him out. You might also notice The Hand of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: Women of the World, My Gift to You. Regards, God. P.S. Those of You Who Don't Believe in Me Can Also Have Him.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Anywhere there is an audience of at least one.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Look up at him in awe and wonder, and say ingenuously: "My, what a big, strong man you are," "Gee, I wish I were as smart/witty/brave as you" or "Are you a famous movie star?" Or just wear a full-length mirror around your neck and don't say anything at all.

THE FIRST DATE
The first date will be quite enjoyable. You won't have heard all his stories about himself so you'll find them quite entertaining. They're even bearable when you hear them for the second time on your second date.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
On the third date. You need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again, and sex will shut him up nicely. Of course, earplugs or refusing to see him anymore would have the same effect but we're working under the same assumption he is - that, in the course of two dates, you will have fallen madly in love with him and now find it impossible to live without him.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
HE'LL decide when you want to get married. Just be ready to answer with a breathless "Yes, of course" when lets you know where and when the wedding's taking place. Then pretend your tears are tears of joy when he shows you the lace monstrosity you'll be wearing. And appear to be suitably grateful when he informs you that you're allowed to choose one bridesmaid to go with the six he's already selected.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
Did you dare to leave your much-sought-after position at his feet being adoring in order to go to work? Did you exchange entire sentences with another man (never mind that he was your brother-in-law)? Did you have a point of view other than his? Or did you laugh at him when he wasn't being intentionally funny? Well, then, we're not surprised. You had it coming to you.

posted July 05, 2006 11:13 PM              

I don't think there's any malice in it, as much as Libra sees pros and cons in everyone, more so than most ppl.. so I guess its easier to find a partner when you're pretty accepting of both positive and negative traits, as long as the negative doesn't take over. Also, Libra’s way of caring is a bit different to the more intense fire sign way or the sensitive watery way. Air signs experience love through their brains mostly. I guess it’s easier to move on when the friendship part of the relationship and the mental connection means more to you than the rest.. because you can still have that if you stay friends with your ex (as many Libras and Aquas do).. while moving on to another person emotionally/sexually..

The main reason a brake up would hurt is due to emotional/physical investment.. because when it’s over you no longer have that with the person. But if the mental rapport means more to you than those things, there’s no reason the brake up should hurt.. considering the mental connection with the ex can continue, unless you parted on bad terms.. which doesn’t usually happen with Libra.

posted July 06, 2006 04:43 PM              

thanx