posted June 27, 2006 07:11 PM            

My sweetie is a Scorp. Here's an excerpt on what it says about them:

HOW TO SPOT ONE
When a Scorpio ******* looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you even if you're in a very public place and you find him most unattractive.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or better still, let him find you. Because, then at least, you won't be the one who started the relationship that ruined your life.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won't be able to resist the challenge of luring you to the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to be. Holding on to your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.

THE FIRST DATE
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he'll worm his way into your life and affections without you noticing - like cancer or some other terminal disease. And after just one date, he'll know everything there is to know about you and you'll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the entire relationship.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you'll never be able to pick the right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you've been introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star but somehow give the impression you've never done it before.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
If you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will seem so amateurish. Besides, he'll be flattered he still has total control over your emotions and your life. On the other hand, running after him doing your best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you. Don't waste your energy. You'll need it over the next few years just to get through therapy.

posted June 27, 2006 07:17 PM            

LOL

posted June 27, 2006 10:32 PM            

I love this not-so-polite honest astrology too. I've got both of the rotten day books as well. They're great too.

The Gemini B*****D

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Gemini is particularly hard to spot. He'll be standing in front of you, talking at you in one instant and he'll be a blur in the distance the next. This is a real problem if you want to shoot him.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
On television talk shows, on psychiatrists' couches, on the phone to recorded-message services or at a McDonald's drive-through having an interesting discussion with the intercom. Basically, anywhere he can have a conversation without making an emotional commitment.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Don't require sympathy. Or consistency. Or fidelity. Or company. Don't ask where he is going. Or when he might be coming back. Or if he's coming back. And don't ever ask anything more emotionally demanding than "How are you?" or "Where did you get your shoes?"

THE FIRST DATE
Enjoy it. He will actually pay attention to you, as he isn't bored with you yet. (Tip: To prolong his interest, try not to wear clothing more interesting than you are.)

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
As soon as possible. How often do you get the chance to indulge in group sex? (All Gemini's personalities take part in sex. This means he doesn't have to have an emotional obligation to you as you're not technically sleeping with other people.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
At times you'll see that, not so deep down, Gemini is truly committed to you. Like when he manages - without the help of cue cards - to remember the names of your three children. This is as good a time as any to bring up marriage. And unless you want your kids to resent you for not managing to marry their father within their lifetime, don't be too demanding. Holding out until he manages to put the right name to the right child is asking far too much.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
It doesn't mean he doesn't like you anymore. He's just forgotten you, that's all. If you really miss him, engineer a chance meeting. You'll pique his interest as he'll find you vaguely familiar, reminding him of someone...hmmm...whom he can't quite place. Then you can start dating him all over again.

posted June 27, 2006 10:51 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Sneak a look under his bed to find his favorite well-thumbed and stained copies of the Harvard Business Review.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
At graduation ceremonies at finishing schools. In buildings where large sums of money are stored. Scanning the social pages for recently separated women with impressive names and even more impressive divorce settlements.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Accidentally drop your investment portfolio (the one embossed with your heavily hyphenated name) and make sure it is substantial enough to register on the Richter scale when it hits the ground. As he is helping you retrieve it, spill some large denomination notes into his lap while also dropping the names of all the big, important people that Daddy-the-media-magnate-or-hotel-tycoon-or-reigning-monarch-of-a-small-but-wealthy-and-tax-free-nation wants to introduce your future husband to.

THE FIRST DATE
He will use this first meeting to assess your suitability; to figure out whether or not you are a worth investment; to see if you know the difference between a fish fork and a dessert fork. In fact it'll be a lot like a job interview. (Tip: Make sure you look like a million dollars. At least.)

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Go snooping in his PDA. He'll have it scheduled in. Or better yet, ask his human personal assistant when he plans to seal the deal - she'll have a clearer idea of when he can fit himself in. (Important note: On paper the Capricorn B*****d is quite good at sex. He passed Sleeping Your Way to the Top I and II and III with flying colors at business school. However, everything was taught only in theory so dn't be surprised if he has to use a Global Positioning System to find your erogenous zones.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you own at least 51 percent of his corporation. He's not going to refuse his major shareholder. And even if he does, you have the deciding vote - so you can overrule him.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
This is a very good sign. It means he's getting serious about you. He's starting to negotiate. Have Daddy up the dowry and go back with a counteroffer.

posted June 27, 2006 11:00 PM            

HOW TO SPOT ONE
He's usually long of limb and short of cash. The wandering eye is not an optical dysfunction, no matter how many times he tries to convince you otherwise.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
In a flotation tank clearing his head. In a think tank feeling out of his depth. At a bank asking for credit. At a brothel making a deposit.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Act intelligent.

THE FIRST DATE
If he thinks he can get you into bed, expect to be lavished. Just don't be surprised when the bailiffs arrive at the restaurant to take away your meal.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Do so at your own risk. If you start developing facial lesions and can't shake that particularly nasty bout of pneumonia, seek medical advice immediately.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you decide you'd like to be a divorcee in the not-too-distant future.

IF HE DUMPS YOU
Count yourself lucky but feign devastation nonetheless. And make sure he pays you the money he owes you.

posted June 28, 2006 02:45 AM            

The Gemini one was very funny. My partner is a Cap but that doesn't sound like him. Maybe because he has a cusp birthday he would be more like an Aquarian. Thanks anyway.

posted June 28, 2006 06:21 AM              

quote:

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HOW TO SPOT ONE
Gemini is particularly hard to spot. He'll be standing in front of you, talking at you in one instant and he'll be a blur in the distance the next. This is a real problem if you want to shoot him.

IF YOU DUMP HIM
Gemini will suddenly discover he definitely does have deep feelings for you. Feelings you have hurt. Terribly. Irrevocably. His heart is shattered. His soul destroyed. His life meaningless. How could you do this to him, you...you...what was your name again?

---

There’s something very Piscean like about that - the evasiveness and forgetfulness…bless

posted June 28, 2006 08:53 AM              

------------------
"WHATEVER the soul longs for, WILL be attained by the spirit"

"Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"

posted June 28, 2006 09:00 AM              

"And after just one date, he'll know everything there is to know about you and you'll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the entire relationship."

My Cappie friend and I were just talking about this. He has the same complaint about me. (Even after 2 years)

posted June 28, 2006 11:03 AM            

quote:

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WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Do so at your own risk. If you start developing facial lesions and can't shake that particularly nasty bout of pneumonia, seek medical advice immediately.

---

posted June 28, 2006 12:56 PM            

Under Scorpio:
******(Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star but somehow give the impression you've never done it before.)********

This is true.....its the whole Madonna/Wh**e thing...