posted July 25, 2006 10:33 AM
ABYSSAL EPISTLESThe Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, PhD
Vol. 61: The Hermit's Flashlight
The New Moon in Leo this Tuesday heralds a shift in the ole ethers. Whereas the last few weeks have made us aware of an abundance of problems in both our own lives and the world we live in, the next few will focus us on fixing what we can. Using the Sun in Leo's inner light as a lantern, we can begin making our way through the wreckage of downed power lines, broken receivers, and blown emotional circuit boards. The Sun in Leo will show us what is appropriate for our lives, helping us to discriminate between what can be salvaged and what must be scrapped based on who we are and how we intend to live our lives.
Mars in Virgo: The Clean Machine
Mars moved into Virgo on Sunday, July 23rd. This heralds a change in both what mobilizes our energy and what that energy can accomplish. In Virgo, Mars' chariot is a tow truck, and his mighty sword, a wrench. Mars in Virgo's war is the war against disorder. He's interested in tuning up each and every detail of your machine. It's an excellent time to start a new dietary regimen, fix your toilet, clean your house and edit your writing. Identify problems and eliminate them.
Mars indicates the place of war as well as the state of the warrior. With Mars in Virgo, the battlefield is often the office, and one's work habits may come under fire. Getting caught up in defending yourself will only serve to distract you from improvement you could be making. It's also easy to end up on the other side of this conflict, criticizing others for their own idiosyncratic inefficiencies. If this is your style, take the time to consider the definition of constructive criticism, as you aren't likely to see an improvement in performance after mutilating someone's self-esteem.
More Mercury Retrograde
We've almost seen ourselves through the hardest part of this summer's Mercury retrograde extravaganza. On Friday, the 28th, Mercury once again assumes forward motion. For the next 2 weeks, Mercury will climb slowly out of its hole, fixing the problems that cropped up on the way with the aid of Mars in Virgo's diagnostic powers. Look for some key insights and communications this weekend as Venus in Cancer clicks into a nice Grand Water Trine. Venus in Cancer will help us internalize and enjoy the underworldly wisdom of Jupiter in Scorpio as well as the metaphysically and emotionally jarring insights of Uranus in Pisces.
Horoscopes July 24th - 30th
Aries: Mighty Lord/Lady of Patience
Aries, consider yourself, for just a moment, as a character in epic adventure, like Star Wars. I'm sure it will be most difficult. Anyway. You are Luke Skywalker, and you're waiting with your breath baited for someone to fix your droid so that you can receive your cool holographic telegram from Obi-Wan Kenobi. "Double Plus Computer Repair Success Services" will do it, and on the cheap, but you're going to have to be patient. So be patient. Now.
Taurus: The Burning Cow of Destiny
Get ready for the solar magnificence of the Sun in Leo to beat you down like only a self sustaining nuclear reaction can. Under the intense energy, you'll either develop skin cancer or learn how to become "The Burning Cow of Destiny." Solar powered cows of destiny are not only powerful than normal grass powered cows of not-destiny, they're also eco-friendly!
Gemini: Self-Exam
Mercury retrograde has been particularly difficult for Geminis, who rely so heavily on the transportation of coded information. But don't worry! Mars in Virgo is here to ripen the seeds of failure planted this Mercury Retrograde. You're going to have to do a little self-surgery on your connective tissue in order to root out whats wrong.
Cancer: Here We Go A-Weeding
Venus in Cancer brings an emotional checkup home. Its support from Uranus and Jupiter asks whether your foundational emotional relationships are acknowledging and allowing the impact of growth and change. To the degree that they are, the garden of the heart will grow rich and strong, but if you're feeding weeds out of displaced sentimentality, I suggest you uproot them. If you can't find the words, trying spraying pesticide in their face. Maybe the metaphor won't come across, but the message will.
Leo: Rumble on the Sun
Happy Birthday! At last, an entire month devoted to you, and only you. As he does every year, the Baron suggests that you declare the entire month your birthday. You may even want to challenge other Leos for sovereignty over the month. If you do, write the Baron, and he will arrange a massive battle royale on the burning sands of the Sahara desert. This battle will be televised and broadcast by all major networks. Check local listings for times.
Virgo: A Tooth Brush named Excalibur
Mars moves into your sign, energizing you and tasking you with a mission. You have been visited, Virgo, by the mighty war god, and he has granted you a magic weapon: a Toothbrush named Excalibur. You and you alone have the ability to wield its awesome power. You must lead us from darkness into light, from chaos to order, from messy to clean, and ultimately: from broken to fixed. It's up to you Virgo. The Baron's counting on you.
Libra: Perfectly Perfected Perfection
Due to recent public outcry regarding the Baron's Libra horoscope, and in order to supplicate pitifully to Libra's tendency to put things in the most sugar coated terms, the Baron will, from now on, only say nice things about Libra:
Everybody loves you. You're great! There's clearly nothing wrong with you. If there was, you'd know, and you'd have already fixed it. Your life is probably well balanced and perfect right now. Any advice would fall pitifully short of what you already know and therefore omitted. Good job!*
*This does not include Bob. Bob's ****** ' up.
Scorpio: Gollum At The Beach
The Sun in Leo breaches your dark cave and illuminates all the nasty little thoughts you;ve been hoarding. And damnit, they look good. Though you may be an abyssal creature of the night at heart, a little sun and the slight toasting of a tan might look good. Try it.
Sagittarius: The Sun Is Not Enough
This month, Sagittarius, you are simultaneously invorgorated and stifled. The Sun in Leo's solar power is energizing, but Mars in Virgo's nit-picky focus is boring. The key is to use the technical focus of Mars in Virgo to engineer a device capable of collecting and concentrating the Sun's light into something fun. Like an eco-friendly solar collector. Or, way better, an orbital satellite capable of focusing the Sun's rays into an annihilating beam of solar doom, like in that James Bond movie, "Tommorow Never Dies As Long As You Live to Live and Let Die Another Day, Which is Not Enough." That was a good one. The girl in that one was totally hot.
Capricorn: Pretty Simple, Pretty Difficult
The Sun's looming conjunction with Saturn puts the spotlight solidly on your mission right now: Work to construct a life you are completely unashamed of, or be ashamed. Pretty simple. Pretty difficult. Good luck with that.
Aquarius: Starring "Cap'n Indecision"
The Sun in Leo pours into your fogbank, illuminating your numerous indecisions. Take this increase of personal clarity to pick a character to play, or you're going to miss the show.
Pisces: Throw Your Pain (And Dirty Dishes) In the River
Venus in Cancer lights up Uranus in your sign and connects to Jupiter in Scorpio, smoothing out emotional difficulties one way or another. With ye old Water Trine on your side, you're likely to be reconciled with whichever way the river winds. Unfortunately, as soon as you get to your fated destination, they'll be math problems, broken calculators, and dirty dishes lining the shore. Work is unavoidable.
Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.
If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
posted July 25, 2006 10:30 AM
posted July 25, 2006 10:33 AM
, HSC! That link isn't working, by the way. 
posted July 25, 2006 04:53 PM
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