posted September 12, 2006 12:13 PM              

This year it seems like somebody took a stick to my 12th house and stirred things up for me. I have done things this year that I never imagined that I would be doing at all. (Slinking out of my well lived in corner to get up and do some singing and stand-up comedy and letting people hear what I think about stuff - a challenge for a 12th house Merc in Taurus). I'm seeing my Saturn getting it from all ends, not just T Saturn, but with Neptune and Jupiter.

T Saturn is in my 4th house and I am in a bad need of a major career overhaul because the work that I have been doing I don't enjoy any more and nor do I want to be employed as a caregiver for the sick, homeless or developmentally disabled. I want a job where I can just be who I am and use creative expression on a daily basis. My goal since the spring is to Open up and express myself more. It's just like yesterday when I started doing "creative" activities and after each time I want to do more of it. Sometimes I think I can't get enough.

Before the spring I never had any outlets or a life for myself. All I did was work, go pick up my daughter and stay at home most nights. There were days that I was out for 12 hours with work and travel time and came home and had more work to do yet with getting supper ready and caring for my daughter. Day started at 530 AM and things were not done till 9 PM. My life was overloaded and stressful. Things had to change and to help manage anxiety I decided that I needed creative outlets for myself.

With the stuff going on in my life, my time with my daughter is getting shorter. T Saturn is in her 12th house and is soon to conj her Ascendant at 25 Leo (Where my south node is). I'm not sure what is going to happen there. Her father is willing to look after her more and have her come live with him. The jury is still out on that. In some ways my heart thinks that she'll be happy with her dad, but I can't bear the thoughts of being away from her. I love her to bits and she is my baby. (We both have Moon in Cancer).

I have noticed too that old childhood issues have began to surface and those are being dealt with. I stood up to my emotionally terrorizing stepfather and then was banned from the family. Then I decided that I would have nothing to do with him and my mom was accepting on this. last week, I had a deep heart to heart with my mom on how I felt when I was a child and was the world seemed like to me and I'm glad that I had a nice talk with her cause I feel very relieved. I'm not sure if I will get anything back on track with my folks and siblings and for a while I seemed like the black sheep of the family.

When the "falling out" happened with my family I was very sad and cried for a few days. My employer got extremely concerned as initiated the going on leave phase because they thought and emotional person around the clients is a very bad thing. I took the summer off work and haven't decided if I'm gonna fire my employer and tell them to hit the road.

I came across that I'm a Highly sensitive person - and my chart really does show it. I have read somewhere with some of my aspects that things start to change after age 35 - which I'm that age now. Maybe my intuitive side will explode and I'll end up doing readings for the Spiritualist Church I go to.

Here is a quote from Pearl Buck....
"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.

To him...

a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."

So that is my 2 cents worth on what is going on with me and how I'm finding my Saturn square saturn.

posted September 13, 2006 02:38 AM              

Thank you for your response. It's always comforting to know someone can validate yer craziness with there own. But then again I guess we're all a bit crazy now and again as long as we get some growth out of it I guess it's worth it.