posted February 03, 2007 11:27 AM              

We all know that breaking up is never easy - and is always a dilemma of blame... I m feeling guilty about trying to break up with my boyfriend - so i ll give u our astro details and tell u the sequence of events and tell me if i m being unfair.

He is sun in Taurus, moon in virgo, rising in Cap.

And I am sun in pisces, moon in pisces, rising in Sag.

We've been together for 8 months. This is my first real long lasting relationship.

There were many times when i had doubts about him, and us, and felt suffocated. But they would go and come. So i assumed that's just part of being in a relationship. Because there were many happy times and he offered something new i had never known before and that is STABILITY.

IT got really serious, with marriage plans and things....and part of me got v excited bout it all...bout defining and planning things, like a girl playing with her doll house i guess. While another was freaked out- but i just decided to be in denial about the freaked out part.

For the past two months my feelings of suffocation and not being able to look at him or hear his voice have been increasing. Its v hard to let go of him coz we have such similar mentalities, and common friends, and a stable foundation together.Oh and also we have AMAZING sexual compatibility (venus in aries both of us)

But it hit me that being in love with someone half the time is really not good enough to be with them. Its unfair like using him for convenience. So i asked to take a break for about the past 2 months and he s been understanding.

But during the break i realised we don't belong together. And now that i am trying to break up. He thinks I am being very unfair because i didnt give him a chance tell him the problems i had, and try to work on things. What makes it harder is that our relationship is currently long distance. It didnt start long distance but it is now until i go back home in 4 months.

He says it is selfish for one person to back out of a relationship just out of an "impulse" or a "feeling" without trying to work things out.

But my point is there is nothing to work out if the problem is feelings. you work thigns out when u ve hurt each other, or argued, or h ave a specific problem.

Plz tell me if i m being unfair- what should i do-

posted February 03, 2007 11:39 AM              

It's not about someone else right now it's about you and what YOU want.

That comes first. Even if you have to hurt someone....you have to find your happiness first.

------------------
I know you see me looking at you and you already know......I wanna love you, you already know.

*----------*

posted February 03, 2007 02:34 PM              

i wudnt say that what you r doing is wrong. i think it is the right thing to break up with him if you dont have feelings for him.

at the same time his reaction is natural. he has earth for his big three, he will take time to understand the situation and accept it.

you need to talk things out with him. probably hold out for 4 months till u get to see him face to face and can explain things better to him. he will need your sympathy and help to come to terms with the breakup.

i think that for earth signs, they need time to understand the situation in their minds. their immediate reaction is always to 'work things out'. it usually happens when they have already decided in their minds that the other person is indeed their 'soulmate' or something similar. being earth signs, they r sometimes oblivious to their own feelings. i mean they take a long time to listen to that nagging inner voice that tells them that something is wrong. water signs always catch it on first, bcoz they r more attuned to their feelings.

so he will probably need a lot of help with understanding where your relationship is lacking. he might also take the stubborn stance that it can all be worked out. be patient. but stand firm by your decision. they always try to take the practical approach towards feelings. tell him tht for working out things, he'd really have to change the person he is. and besides that being impossible to do, it is also unreasonable, bcoz he is perfect as he is. but he is not meant for you. stress on the fact that there is nothing wrong with him as a person, and everything wrong with the relationship as a whole.

i am also an earth sign (cappy) and had a real hard time when my bf of 2 yrs ended the relationship on the phone. he didnt even give any warning tht he thought there was something wrong. it broke my heart then, and after a long time i realized tht he was right after all. he didnt do a good job at explaining things to me. i wish he had explained to me why things cudn't be worked out. i needed it.

ILWL

posted February 04, 2007 10:14 AM              

Sweet Stars

Part of me really beleives in what you re saying and wants to go for it but when thinking:"Even if you have to hurt someone....you have to find your happiness first" i can't help feeling a lil selfish u know? my heart tells me i want u today, says i dont tomorrow- Sorry mate! u see what i mean?

Kamots

I really know what ur talking bout when it comes to pisces and deluding themselves out of fear of sthg or another. But once u realise ur deluding urself u can't make any decisions coz u cannot trust ur own mind!

I ll give u our birthdates i forgot his exact birth time but i do know that for sure he is a cap rising- mayube that ll help with rounding it up to a certain hour.

Me: 10th of March 1986 00:30 am local time for Egypt City: Alexandria

Him: 1st of May 1985 Egypt City: Mansura

InLoveWithLife

I really appreciate hearing things from the earth point of you. I think your analysis of earth men is very accurate. I want to sit down and explain to him but he wants detailed explanations: beyond I m feeling this or that way. And doing that almost feels like nitpicking all the things that turn me off in him - he doesnt realise how hurtful it could get. Should i go ahead with it?

posted February 04, 2007 11:13 AM              

don't worry about it. i think sometimes a closure is more important. it is imp that he hears the truth. of course dont tell him that he turns you off.

besides, after hearing about 1 or 2 things his ego wud be hurt enough for him to realize that u have some valid points, and that he doesnt want to hear more of it.

don't plunge into a long list of flaws. just say general things like 'i like my men to be more outgoing'. (or introvert...or emotional). BTW, i'd say that if u really want to break up, go into things that CANNOT be 'fixed' by him. things to which he'd holler 'but tht's how i am, you can't expect me to change that?!!?!!!!'. Don't go into 'you make loud noises while eating' kind of stuff

muahahaha....methinks me wud make a smoooooth heart-breaker, fortunately me doesnt get that many hearts to toy with **evil laugh**

posted February 04, 2007 10:03 PM              

best of luck with things

posted February 05, 2007 12:33 AM              

i thought about what you have been saying here. Just one thing- have u clearly thought out why you want to break up with him. r u sure its not just commitment phobia or getting cold feet ? May be the decision to marry seems a very big one to you at this point, and you r not sure about him and wud like to continue the relationship in an open ended way. Does the thought of canceling the marriage plans make u feel better about the relnship and him? if so then may be u need to look closely at what exactly it is that u are afraid of.

i say this becoz u said tht being in love with a person half the time is not fair. does tht mean tht at times u love him, at times u don't? or does it mean u loved him for the first year, and now u don't? a lot wud depend on how u answer these questions.

i dont subscribe to the philosophy tht a good man is hard to come by. i believe tht everyone's definition of 'good' is different. wht is one (wo)man's trash is another (wo)man's treasure. so think about it.

most importantly, dont take any decision in a hurry. think it out. (altho i think u did, when u took that two month break). and don't feel guilty about breaking up. i was in a similar situation once, tagging along with a man becoz we had very similar beliefs and becoz he was such a nice person. but u know wht, he just didnt turn me on. thank god he broke up with me, coz i wud never have (guilt was a big issue with me...i know its silly...but now i've learnt my lesson). but he being a water sign, sensed first tht sth was wrong (and cheated on me). but i'm glad for wht happened. i think i was saved from making the biggest mistake of my life.

love
ILWL

posted February 05, 2007 01:55 AM            

.. do what you think is right .. be loving and forgiving though..

posted February 05, 2007 02:50 AM            

I also think it's not good to force yourself and do what you are not ready to do yet especially if it is something as serious as getting married; try to explain him that it's about you not him...

posted February 05, 2007 10:28 AM              

but i understand why u wud misunderstand me I sounded a lil crazy bcoz i think u focussed on one or two lines in my post, which were meant to be a joke. (yeah i know i was a bit loony....call it the effect a full moon has on a cancer asc).

from my point of view:

1. Monmonitaa feels stifled with her bf, and is not ready for marriage
2. She has tried to analyze her feelings, took a break away from him, and then decided its not fair on her bf if she can't give him her complete love
3. She doesnt know how to go about breaking up, and wants to do it considerately, causing as little hurt as possible.

And here's the advice I gave her

1. I hope you have considered your decision and given it thought (which i think she has)
2. Please try to hurt him as LITTLE as possible. hence, i asked her not to go into things that can really hurt the ego.
3. However, since he is an earth sign, i know he wud want things to be spelt out for him. (or atleast tht's my opinion....and monmonitaa confirmed that). He wants closure. and he deserves it.
4. Hence, i told her to talk about general personality characteristics which she may find grate on her. For example, she may want a guy who wud be more romantic with her, which he is unable to be. Now, these r things when told to him will NOT hurt his ego that much, and make him realize why she has been falling out of love with him. I did not mean that she lie to him, i suggested she tell as little of the truth as is necessary.

If you go back and read my posts again, i hope u will see my POV. I just thought I'd make things a bit clearer, bcoz most importantly i didnt want Monmonitaa to misunderstand me.

For the record, I have no hard feelings for me ex. (i hope u noticed tht i said TWICE that i am grateful to him for breaking up with me, bcoz indeed that was best for the both of us). I am a wee bit surprised that ppl think i am a cruel heartbreaker, when obviously that was meant as a joke. esp Kevin, you being a cancerian i thought wud hv been able to see the emotional subtext in what i wrote.

ILWL

posted February 05, 2007 12:35 PM              

WOW its like all the different opinions posted out there are copying the debate between the VOICES IN MY HEAD !!! which is all the while more confusing

On one hand when kamlot says i m might be just being a committement phobe, and martian says I m letting a good man go and will regret it ... IT FREAKS ME OUT - coz it is a possibility isn;'t it?

On another hand i feel v encouraged by the ppl who r telling me to follow my strong instincts and feelings

You my dear IN LOVE WITH LIFE however lie midway between both trying to encourage me to go with the feeling, yet not be carried away by a delusion- thankyou for that- dont worry i didnt not for one second misunderstand u...if anything i found u mentioning ur experiences v useful...If we re nto gonna advise each other based on our experiences with signs - then how r we gonna do it?

Ok let me elaborate more on what i m thinking n feeling and u guys tell me if this is committement phobia or not

REASONS TO LEAVE

1) Ever since we started dating I've been getting this on and off feeling of I CANT BREATHE and lately its been increasing

2) Our communication does not go beyond VERBAL. He cannot "sense" me. Our eye contact is even insignificant.

3) Everything for him IS DIRECT n to the point love is merely expressed in " i love you lets be together". While everything for me is about SUBTLNESS, MYSTERY, MIND READINg...and deepful profound play on words flirting

4)I mistakenly for the 100th time designated msyelf to the role of the counsellor in this relationship. But it doesn't help that he s also designated himself to the role of the NEEDY boyfriend who projects all his emotional baggage and insecurities on me. Unless I hit him on the head and say WAKE UP AND LISTEN

5)I feel like he doesnt capture all of me. The role I play in the relationship is only a minor part of me, there are so many selves that come out in other situations and with other friends. And when i try to bring them out i feel like he s uninterested in them. Like he wants most of our communication TO BE REVOLVING ABOUT US HOW MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND OUR PLANS

6) And MOST IMPORTANTLY - me feeling that our relationship is more about safety than real magical love- He s mood and stability is v affected by the relationship. on several occassions he told me if LEAVE HIM HE LL GET ****** UP - and it makes me think then you don't really love me, you love the sanity you project on me- u need to deal with ur neediness issues

7) I keep getting crushes on other ppl that i connect with on levels where he cannot reach (mostly other water signs). I just want a fairy tale is that too much to ask?

REASONS TO STAY

1)Maybe i m being unstable just because my mum died a couple of months ago

2) He s v supportive- He ll always make the effort, but he ll lack the instinct of knowing how to apply that effort sensitively

3)We have such similar takes on everything intellectually, and we have so many common friends, to everyone we re the perfect fun couple

4)We have amazing sexual compatbility

5) We ve planned ev thing...

6) What will his mother think?

posted February 05, 2007 12:47 PM            

quote:

---

InLoveWithLife ... you sound a lil crazy tellin her to make the guy suffer and stuff... just because you were victim to harsh treatment by a guy doesnt mean all guys have to be punished for his mistake... we are not all like that...

---

Am I missing something here?? ILWL gave her great advice.

posted February 05, 2007 01:43 PM              

That's my natural tendency, and my natural belief...

But when you look around you find that many people's "PRACTICAL" approach with relationships works quite well.....Is it a project? that could always potentially succeed and fail depending on what u put in it?

posted February 05, 2007 01:44 PM              

monmonitaa, u r wiser than i ever was at your age !!! (pisces influence, eh? )

i am utterly convinced now that what u r feeling is not COMMITMENT-PHOBIA BUT CLAUSTROPHOBIA !!!!

this guy sounds very needy and immature to me. just bcoz he is dull as a rock, doesnt mean he can provide u with a lot of stability. stagnation wud be a better word for it, IMHO. it also sounds like this guy has subtly got u to agree to marrying him.

please, please do yourself a favor and dont marry this guy. this world is full of nice people. contrary to wht ppl say, that it is hard to find a good guy. whnever i hv caught myself thinking along those lines, someone has come along to surprise me and prove me wrong.

gently but firmly, try to disengage from his hold on you. i am guessing, but i think he is going to come back with all sorts jibes and try to work up your guilt. the arguments wud be exactly along the points 1-7 you posted as reasons to stay. DON'T LET HIM TAKE U ON A GUILT TRIP. listen to that heart of yours. you r a very intelligent and wise girl!!

posted February 05, 2007 01:59 PM              

you r like me....u want nothing but love. the practical things can be taken care of, once the foundation of love is strong. i am 26, and still not willing to compromise on my ideas of what i want in a guy. not yet.

everyone has a different path to follow....dont let others drown out your inner voice. to each his/her own!

posted February 05, 2007 02:22 PM              

Thanks all i needed was this reassurance.

To be fair to him he s not as bad as i made it sound, its jsut that i m in the middle of my CLAUSTROPHOBIA as u put it! Which makes it all the while harder to sit down and explain to him as he obsessively asks. But i m hoping after some time of not talking he ll calm down see things through. And then i ll try and have another talk with him, where i ll be assertive and not be guilt tripped- not even cryign will affect me this time!

However being "good" like u also said is not good enough... Its about finding what you dream of....

And You are right i cant be affected by the pracitcal people because I am not them - And even if my a-practical dream doesn't exist.. I d rather live waiting for it than settling for an alternative. Its not always either or. You can ABSTAIN

posted February 05, 2007 04:26 PM            

If you feel like breaking up, then do it.. It always hurts for the other person as well, but it hurts more to realize it slowly than doing it fast and clean. And no matter how soft you try to make it for him, it always hurt. just be honest is the best, and leaves no doubt.

I also have earth in my chart, I'm ascendant Virgo.. I tend to analyze everything, and I'm also stubborn (Mars in Taurus lol) and hard to accept some reality stuffs as well.. But in any case, I prefer to know the truth and deal with it rather than being confused (maybe it's the Pluto that is opposed to Mars effect?)..

It is not selfish to break up if you don't have feelings for him anymore, as it would be selfish to be with someone without feeling the same at all.
But it is selfish not to let him know how you feel and why.

Tell him about it, and let him have some time to swallow the truth. He would eventually accept it..