posted May 20, 2007 07:41 AM
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum16/HTML/002569.html
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/010083.html
Sun: Pluto, would you please step into my office?
Pluto: Sure, I just need to finish this orbit--
Sun: That won't be necessary. This will just take a few minutes.
(Pluto steps in)
Sun: This is Miss Mars, from Human Resources. I believe you've met?
Mars: Actually I don't think our paths have ever crossed.
Pluto: (Now nervous) Hello.
Sun: Pluto, you may have heard that the Astronomers were having a conference.
Pluto: Yes
(Mars smiles nicely, attempting to convey warmth to someone she's never met.)
Sun: Well, they evaluated the planets, and your position has been eliminated. I realize this can come as a great shock--
Pluto: Excuse me?
Sun: I realize this can come as a great shock, but the astronomers have agreed that a ninth planet is no longer needed. Miss Mars has some information on what you need to know as you transition--
Mars: We've prepared a nice package for you, in reference to the long time you've spent as a planet.
Pluto: I'm being fired? As a planet? What did I do wrong?
Sun: It's not about what you did, although your orbits have overlapped Neptune's, and well the Astronomers feel--
Pluto: The Astronomers feel? Have you ever made an independent decision in your life?
Mars: Why don't we go have a chat with Mr. Moon. He's in outplacement.
Pluto: You can't just fire me.
Mars: You're not being fired, you're being transitioned to a Dwarf Planet. It's a great position and you'll meet other dwarf planets.
Pluto: I'm not in this for the social aspects. I'm just as good as Neptune, or Venus, or you, Miss Mars. I'm going to take this up with the Universe!
Sun: I'm sorry, Pluto, but the universe is in complete agreement. I thank you, and the entire solar system thanks you, for the time you spent as a planet. You added so much to our little system, but it is time for you to move on. As a dwarf planet, I'm sure new and exciting opportunities will be made available. Now, if you'll just follow Miss Mars, to Mr. Moon, you'll have your outplacement opportunities explained to you.
*******
Pluto: "You're Fired!"
More junk about less chunk in solar system trunk. (Counteroffensive underway! Stay tuned)
Pluto has been demoted from "planet" to "dwarf." Well, I'm sorry, Pluto. Love ya, and it's been a great run with you over the past seventy years, but that "is it--isn't it" so-called atmosphere of yours, which is probably really just ice that may or may not vaporize at perihelion (you wanna explain your indecision to the gas giants at this table?), along with your suspiciously comet-like orbit, and your--I don't want to say this, but hell, it's what we're all thinking--insufficient size has made astronomers conclude that you just can't play caboose to that mnemonic anymore. Pluto, you'll still make a great winter night viewing object in your new category. Best of luck to you. Pluto, you're fired.
And you, Charon, I'm sorry, as Pluto's "moon," you don't even qualify as a dwarf. Charon, you're fired!
*******
In a move that has outraged people everywhere, scientists recently stripped Pluto of its designation as a cartoon dog. At least, that's the possible consequence of a shocking vote that recently took the world by surprise because most of us didn't even know there was an election. Pluto has been fired as a planet; the solar system has been downsized.
It all started with last month's conference of the International Astronomical Union, which was held in Prague, Czech Republic, because, in their words, "We were told that the women in Prague find astronomers sexy."
Angry to learn that Czech women think astronomers are as nerdy as everybody else does, the group petulantly struck back at Pluto, which is a favorite in the Czech Republic because the weather in the two places is so similar.
"They'll just have to redraw all their astronomical maps," said a source inside the International Astronomical Union, or "IAU," as they call themselves in a vain hope that some people will think the "A" stands for "Athletes."
The people in the Czech Republic just sneered at this, saying: "So what? We redraw maps over here all the time."
The French delegation to the IAU also cited suspiciously high levels of testosterone in Pluto. As everyone knows, the French don't like testosterone, feeling that it leads to un-French-like behavior, such as winning the Tour de France.
The IAU now classifies Pluto as a "dwarf planet." The other dwarf planets are named Sleepy, Dopey and Doc. When it was pointed out that “dwarf planet” still sounds like “planet” the way “compact car” still sounds like “car”, the members of the IAU voted that the Volkswagen is no longer a car. "We're also taking a hard look at Tom Cruise," they threatened.
If Tom Cruise loses his designation as an actor, it wouldn't surprise anyone who has ever seen the movie “Cocktail”.
According to new IAU rules, to be a planet, a body must be large enough in mass for its own gravity to pull it into a nearly spherical shape. So Pluto is out, though Michael Moore is still in.
Also out is a celestial object discovered a few years ago by a team of nerdy astronomers from Caltech led by a man named Mike Brown. According to Brown, this would-be planet is 1.5 times the size of Pluto and is covered in frozen methane, which is a gas released by cows during digestion. It's possible, then, that in the race to explore the solar system, countries like Russia and America have been beaten to the punch by a herd of farm animals. However, this was thrown into doubt when France claimed that the cows in question were found to have abnormally high levels of testosterone.
Brown and his team of nerdy astronomers have named the would-be planet "Xena" in hopes that the women there have large breasts and run around in skimpy clothing. On “Xena: Warrior Princess”, Xena also rode through the forest on a horse, but if it turns out that the women on not-a-planet Xena ride cows instead, Brown and his team of nerdy astronomers would probably be OK with it.
Pluto was additionally disqualified as a planet because its orbit overlaps nearby Neptune's. This seems sort of petty to me; using that logic, my son should have lost his designation as a "driver" when he ran over my neighbor's mailbox. And my son has abnormally high levels of testosterone.
Back to Pluto, the cartoon pet of Mickey Mouse: To change the name of a Disney dog just because a bunch of nerdy astronomers took a vote would be, well, Goofy. In fact, I don't understand why they get to decide anything; these are guys who are fans of Xena: Warrior Princess, for heaven's sake! So what if Pluto is wandering around Neptune's yard, releasing methane like a loose cow? Is that really so different from Michael Moore?
I say, if they'll leave Pluto alone, we should go ahead and give the astronomers their beloved Xena. That way, we'll know that Mickey's dog is safe. And really, isn't that all that matters?